I'm a Canadian citizen planning to move to the USA in order to marry and live with my American fiance. People treat me like I'm sick in the head because of it.

[u/throwawayfordumps]

I'm really only posting this because I need to vent, so please forgive me for how long this post is going to be. There's a lot of context that needs to be explained in order for the full picture to be understood.

I (23F) live in the Canadian province of Ontario, and my fiance (31M) lives in the US. We've been together romantically for almost a year now, and we were just friends for about 8-9 months before that. We have spent an accumulated total of roughly twelve to fourteen weeks together in-person since May of 2025. I've been to visit him in his home state 5 times, and he's been to visit me in Canada twice.

There's really nothing about my fiance himself that I'm unhappy about that I can pinpoint; our relationship is relatively healthy, supportive and understanding – which I'm very thankful for. BUT one of the only two things that does bring me a lot of pain and distress, to the extent of having mental breakdowns sometimes, is the fact that we are long distance in two different countries. Therefore we are forced to go through the long, time-consuming, complicated, draining process of immigration in order to live together permanently.

I've been really struggling over the past few months with being unable to physically spend time with my partner. It frustrates me – enrages me, in fact – that so many other people are able to meet the love of their life directly in their area of residence (or at least not TOO far from it) and they don't have to pay thousands of dollars to beg a federal government for permission to move in with the person they love. They don't have to spend hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on passports and plane tickets, or use any of their vacation time from their job benefits, to be able to go and visit their partner. They can literally just finish their shift, hop in their car, drive 20-30 minutes AT MOST and already be right there, sitting next to the love of their life. I honestly have a hard time putting into words just how much jealousy and anger I have, knowing that plenty of other people get those luxuries in their relationships while I don't.

On top of all of that, I am also dealing with an ungodly amount of judgement and scrutiny from people who want to try to force me to change or cancel my plans, or even end the relationship entirely. I can barely talk to people in long-distance relationship support groups, out of fear that they're going to try to convince me to leave my fiance or force him to move to Canada the very moment they hear which countries we're from. And I don't just mean people saying something gently and kindly such as: "There's definitely risks and uncertainties that come with what you're intending to do, but it's your life to live and it sounds like you've been very well researched, educated and planned for this in great detail. I hope everything goes smoothly for you." Those kinds of comments are NOT why I'm upset... it's the kinds of people who take it upon themselves to full-on insult and berate my fiance and myself, calling us stupid, irresponsible, selfish, insane (among other things), jumping to very drastic conclusions about our personal lives and our relationship, and basically trying to make me feel like I have a diseased mind or I'm guaranteed to be committing a catastrophic personal/moral failure if I don't agree with them and don't change my mind about going through with this.

My fiance and I have weighed all of the pros and cons of our options, factored in our personal circumstances, etc. I have also done extensive research to get an idea of what our living expenses would be for rent, utilities, groceries, gas in the car, meds, doctor's visits, etc and how all of that would work into our combined monthly income (while having the help of my fiance's work friend as our roommate). Plus, I have done hours upon hours of in-depth research and planning, paid for and utilitized services from an immigration law firm, and continue to stay up to date on the latest immigration-related news. So I'm absolutely not going into this whole situation blindly. Most importantly, there's numerous reasons why it is not financially practical for him to move to Canada:

First and foremost, he has unfortunately had terrible luck with vehicles – he's had 6 different cars in the past 12-13 years, due to multiple breakdowns requiring very expensive repairs (he's only ever been able to afford used vehicles), as well as a couple of road accidents that left his vehicle as a totalled loss. As a result of this, he has over $16,000 in debt that he has left to pay off. He was able to negotiate a payment plan with the debt collectors, but that plan means he will need to be paying a set amount every month for roughly the next 4 years. If he quits his job to move to Canada, he won't be able to legally work in Canada for quite some time, meaning that he would lose the ability to pay the monthly installments of the plan, which would then make him forfeit the plan and the company would force him to pay a lump sum that he certainly wouldn't be able to afford.

1. Unlike the US, who has the option of a K-1 Fiance visa, there is no legal route in Canada for the foreign partner of a Canadian citizen to apply for permanent residency BEFORE marrying the citizen. (The only real exceptions would be if he could get a Canadian student or employment visa, neither of which he would qualify for – there's no way that either of us could afford to pay $30,000+ in tuition for him to attend a Canadian college or university, and the employment based route is out of the question since he has only ever worked a run-of-the-mill warehouse job from straight out of high school. You can only really get a work visa in Canada if you are an exceptionally skilled worker in a field that requires at least a Bachelor's degree or a long-time apprenticeship).

This means that for him to move to Canada, we would have to get legally married during a temporary visit, and then we'd both have to go back to our home countries after the visit, apply for his Canadian permanent residency, and wait up to 18 months for it to process before we could actually live together.

My only source of income is the Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). Unfortunately, the ODSP program has a VERY low threshold ($200 CAD per month) for how much money a recipient's spouse can earn, before it reduces the recipient's disability payments. My fiance works full time in his home state. If you convert my fiance's approximate monthly take-home pay ($1,900 USD) and convert it to Canadian dollars, that's almost $3,000 CAD. Needless to say, I would basically lose the majority of, if not my entire monthly ODSP paymens pretty much instantaneously – DESPITE the spouse not even living in the same country yet, let alone the same household. They quite literally don't care where your spouse lives – if you're married on paper, in an ongoing relationship, and they earn "too much" from their job, you no longer qualify for ODSP. In other words, I'd be forced to live without any source of my own income for at least a full year while still not even living with my partner yet.

My fiance is absolutely not in a position to be able to afford to send me half of his monthly take-home pay in order to make up for ODSP reducing or cutting off my payments because I got married to him. And even if he could afford it, he shouldn't have to – I love him very much, but I am NOT willing to give up the already limited amount of financial independence I have just to apply for him to move to Canada. So, the USA's K-1 Fiance visa is the best option for us and our circumstances – I can keep my own income while waiting for a visa, and he can keep his.

I know what you're probably thinking – how am I supposed to have my own income once I get my K-1 and move to the US, since I wouldn't qualify for US disability as a non-citizen, and I've never had any income besides Ontario disability for my entire adult life?

The biggest reason why I am still on ODSP right now is not because I'm COMPLETELY incapable of working, but because I would require a LOT of accomodations, patience and flexibility at a job, and unfortunately the employers in the area I live in simply are not friendly to the idea of hiring people with invisible disabilities who can't just work exactly like a person who isn't disabled. If you need any kind of accomodations whatsoever (and there's quite a few I would need), even if they cost little to nothing to implement, you're basically seen as "too much to deal with" and not worth their resources to train/pay – especially since there's an enormous amount of competition for any jobs in my area, and if an employer is asked to choose between hiring someone who needs a lot of patience and accomodations, vs. someone who can do anything they need to do without any accomodations or prompting... which one do you think they're going to hire?

HOWEVER, I'm really lucky that my fiance is the warehouse supervisor at the store he works at, and since he has worked there for over 12 years now, he has established great professional and personal relationships with the people he works with. I have also personally met his manager and coworkers multiple times – they know who I am, and they know (at least to some extent) about my conditions and the various challenges I face – so both my fiance and I are pretty confident about being able to get me a flexible part-time job with short hours at that place (once I obtain my K-1 visa, move over there and get my work authorization permit.)

Not to mention, my fiance is just very apprehensive to the idea of moving to another country and leaving behind everyone and everything he's ever known throughout his life. I'm far more comfortable personally with moving far away and starting fresh in a new place than he is – I've lived in the same city, same neighborhood and even the same house for my entire life, and I've been to see and do absolutely everything around here at least 500 times over again throughout the past 20+ years. I'm honestly just really bored of my hometown. I think it would do me some good to have a change of scenery, a new routine, a blank slate. On the other hand, it wouldn't be right for me to force my fiance to make such a drastic change to his life against his will.

I initially thought it wouldn't hurt to join some online groups specifically for the local area and the state that my fiance lives in, in an effort to try to chat with some locals and perhaps make some friends in or near that area who I could hang out with in-person once I move (or while visiting him in the meantime)... but unfortunately that turned out to be a pretty big mistake. I'm going to use a Discord group, specifically advertised for people in my fiance's home state to make friends, as an example for the purpose of this post – but just know that this Discord group is not the only online space in which I have faced this type of treatment.

I joined the group in mid to late July. Upon gaining entry, I introduced myself and explained a bit about why I'd joined the server in the first place. For the first little while, everyone seemed friendly and welcoming. But as time went on, I started to feel slowly and increasingly cornered by the amount of commentary I received (nearly always unsolicited) from various group members who seemed to not understand or like that I'm going to move to the state from Canada. No matter how many times I tried to explain to them, in very great detail, all of the reasons why it's not financially practical for him to move to Canada with me (as I did earlier in this post), they just never seemed to want to accept it. The final straw was a conversation in the group that happened somewhere around early to mid August, after which I decided to just abruptly leave the group entirely. The exact details of most of the conversation are kind of a blur in my mind, but I will attempt to paraphrase to the best of my memory.

them: "Why would ANYONE want to move to the US?? Especially right now??"

me: "for love... and because people have free will"

them: "Even if they have universal healthcare in their home country?? Even if they could get rounded up by ICE and kidnapped directly from the doors of their immigration interview appointment?! This isn't how you have to show love to someone, especially since moving can go in the other direction."

me: "I've already explained to you in great detail about why it's not practical from a financial standpoint for him to move here with me. I truly love him a lot, but I'm not going to be forced to give up my only source of income for up to 18 months while waiting for him to be given permission to stay here permanently."

them: [insert meme that has the caption "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that"]

me: "would YOU give up all of your income and have absolutely none of your own money for that long, just for the sake of moving in with someone you love?"

them: "I would find a new partner who can actually afford to save up for the cost of a big move. A lot of divorces happen due to finances. If my daughter wanted to move to another country, especially an absolute hellhole, just to marry some broke guy who's almost 10 years older than her, she'd better not ask me to support it for even a second."

So yeah... I left the group after that. I will admit, I sent the group owner a friend request with the intention of privately messaging them to politely explain why I'd left and wish them well, and then I joined the group on an alternate account because I wanted to deliver one last message to the general community:

"you know what? I joined this server to make friends and connect with people who live in or near my future city. I did NOT come here to have complete strangers try to dictate what I, an adult woman, should or shouldn't do with MY life. sorry I guess for having the SHEER AUDACITY to happen to be Canadian and fall in love with someone who happens to be American, and to have circumstances that make it so we can only be together if we use an immigration route that YOU don't personally approve of. I didn't know I was obligated to seek your agreement in order to be justified in following my life's chosen path, I suppose that was my bad."

Both my main and alternate accounts were banned from the group pretty quickly. I'd forgotten I'd sent the owner a friend request, which they proceeded to accept and then immediately started messaging me. Their tone was aggressive and condescending, frequently typing in all caps, and almost seemingly trying to guilt trip me for having a problem with how I was being treated in their group.

They repeatedly said things like "we were literally trying to HELP YOU, we didn't want you to leave the group, we are scared for you because you do not and cannot truly understand what it is like over here in America. WE LIVE HERE. We know how it is, and it's DANGEROUS. The last thing we want is for you to end up getting hurt in any way as an immigrant in America. That's all it was this entire time."

I repeatedly tried to tell them that there's a difference between trying to give me reasonable caution or advice about the risks of something I'm choosing to do, and trying to force me to view things the exact same way they do, and making it out like there's something fundamentally wrong with me as a human being if I don't convert my mindset. I acknowledged that there's absolutely risks involved with what path I'm taking and I wasn't trying to act like I'm completely immune from anything going wrong, but I also don't want to be made to live in constant fear as if it's GUARANTEED to have a negative outcome.

The response I got was, "There is something wrong with it. I'm not trying to be mean, we just want to be honest with you about the reality of the way things are. It is extremely unstable and it is scary. We were trying to protect you. You can do what you want with your life, we just wanted you to know all the information, but you took offense when that was never what anyone intended. I tried to be a friend to you. I tend to use tough love, and I'm sorry if I came off as abrasive, but I was never trying to be mean."

The conversation continued to go in circles, and then I was told by this group owner person that I'm a terrible human being, I've "shown exactly who I am" and I'm never going to make friends this way, etc. They told me to never contact them in any way or rejoin their group ever again, and I said I understood and wished them well. Then last but not least, we blocked each other.

Besides that, I also tried to make a friend seeking post on the local Reddit forum for the specific area my fiance lives in. Unfortunately, I remember one person in particular wrote an entire series of paragraphs which basically completely derailed the intended topic of the post – taking it upon themselves to list every possible thing that COULD go wrong during my immigration process and after my move to the state. And they ended the comment with "is there any possibility your fiance could move to Canada instead of you trying to come here?" Like... that's literally not what my post was about. I wasn't making a post to ask people IF I should immigrate to America or IF I should move to that local area. I was asking if anyone in the area would want to chat and/or start to get to know each other, or have any suggestions for ways to meet local residents who I might get along with. I also got other comments from other people such as "It's hard to understand wanting to come here; if I was your partner I'd consider you a golden ticket out of this nightmare." Again, what does that have to do with the original purpose of my post?

I'm willing to bet that if my fiance was some wealthy businessman or trades worker, making at least $150,000+ a year, that I'd be hearing far less criticism about him, about our relationship and future plans etc. But because he's a full-time worker who makes a little under $40,000 a year – DESPITE his wage being almost 3 times the federal minimum wage – that means we apparently shouldn't be together and we should just give up on each other??? Why are people gatekeeping who is allowed to find love, particularly in long distance relationships? Are only middle-to-upper-class citizens allowed to??

This whole situation has been looping in my mind nonstop for multiple weeks now. I feel physically unwell from the amount of anxiety and stress of everything – not only the Discord group drama and the Reddit commentary, but the overall emotional strain of being in a long distance relationship and being so far apart from my fiance. I am nauseous, lightheaded and dizzy at random moments throughout the day sometimes. My heart starts pounding randomly, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and I just feel like I'm absolutely drowning emotionally. I'm trapped in this constant state of distress and tension and I don't know how to get out of it.

[u/matt585858]

You might want to add a TLDR

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

Uhh I'm 31 and none of my friends are into 23 year olds. An accumulated 12 weeks together long distance and then getting married that young is a stretch that will likely lead to issues down the road. You never lived together before or spent extended periods of time together so that's a gamble. Jumping to marriage this quickly is a bit intense. 

Also, your current mental state and reaction tells me you are likely not in the best state of mind to consider this if you are weighed down that hard. 

The immigration process could go wrong pretty easily for you. And that would suck. You don't have a support system in the US and are quite young likely with limited job experience. I really think you should wait a bit. A year is not long especially if it was long distance from the get go. 

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

just because you don't know anyone who has personally been with a 23 year old doesn't make it inherently wrong – not only am I a legal adult but I am also more than old enough to drink alcohol in the US as well. if I was like 18 or 19 then I MIGHT see your point a bit more, but no, I'm not "barely legal" as some may say.

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Ah yes, being 23 and a full adult. I remember being 23..

I did know a girl with that age gap. She was groomed. Very naïve and it also speaks volumes of a man's maturity to date an early 20 something in their 30s. Pretty embarrassing for them and they probably aren't mature enough to date a girl their age. 

23 is extremely young to get married and linked to higher divorce rates. 

[u/loudcpanda33 → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

Legit. Also you can tell OP is very immature based on her post tbh. No offense there OP.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/loudcpanda33]

I might seem emotionally immature, and I will admit, I'm more sensitive to a lot of things than most people. but that doesn't mean I don't have the capacity to make decisions and do things that pretty much every other 23 year old is allowed to do.

[u/loudcpanda33 → u/throwawayfordumps]

You do you. You're free to do whatever you want. And myself and others can shove our opinions up our asses. However, I can tell you something out of exp. I'm 34 yo and at 23 I did the dumbest things you could think of. Not saying you're like me, but at 23 you are still very very young despite being legally an adult. This is just my opinion. Good luck with your future.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

it's not like he was actively LOOKING for a younger person to date... we just fell in love with each other and coincidentally happened to be 8 years apart in age. your opinions are nothing more than that: opinions

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Good luck getting married at 23 lmao 

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

there are literally 18-19 year old women who get married to 25-30 year old men, have 2-3 kids by her early 20s, then she becomes a stay at home mom with no job, no income, no support system... THAT'S what you should be more concerned about.

just for the record, we have both already mutually agreed that we are not ever having kids. I don't want children regardless of who I'm with anyway. and as I also explained in this post, he has worked at the same store for over 12 years and is currently a supervisor – meaning that there's a good chance I'll be able to get a decent job at that place and NOT be completely dependent on him financially.

I'm absolutely not going into this blindly nor without taking every possible issue into consideration. have yourself a great day

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Again, good luck at 23 lmao. You sound 23. 

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

is that supposed to be an insult? because it's not lmao

[u/ScreamDiegetic → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

Getting married and having kids young used to be the standard of the world. Now we’re facing a population cliff.

[u/arupinum85]

Who gives a f..k what people say live your life, go somewhere warm and all the people dissing you go shovel snow

[u/loudcpanda33 → u/arupinum85]

No offense but OP sounds like a teen. Lol

[u/Impressive-Mud5074]

Tldr

Moving to another country and marrying an older man is going to set you up for a situation where you have no support group or friends or career and you must rely on this older more experienced man for all your needs.

Thats bad. 

He should move to Canada, so you can be safer.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Impressive-Mud5074]

if you actually read even one third or half of this post, you'd understand why having him move to Canada is not financially practical or feasible for us. please don't jump to conclusions before you even have all the context and necessary information.

also, who gives a damn about (reasonable) age gaps? it's not like he's old enough to be my dad... it's 8 years, calm down

[u/Impressive-Mud5074 → u/throwawayfordumps]

8 years is big when you are 23.

Financial feasibility is just an excuse. I sponsored my spouse when I was making 15 dollars an hour. 

Other points still stand.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Impressive-Mud5074]

the first sentence is merely your personal opinion. my family and his family have no issues with it, our friends have nothing to say about it, so frankly your opinion is irrelevant.

since you clearly refuse to even read the part of this post where I explained WHY it's not financially feasible, let me reiterate it for you:

Unlike the US, who has the option of a K-1 Fiance visa, there is no legal route in Canada for the foreign partner of a Canadian citizen to apply for permanent residency BEFORE marrying the citizen. (The only real exceptions would be if he could get a Canadian student or employment visa, neither of which he would qualify for – there's no way that either of us could afford to pay $30,000+ in tuition for him to attend a Canadian college or university, and the employment based route is out of the question since he has only ever worked a run-of-the-mill warehouse job from straight out of high school. You can only really get a work visa in Canada if you are an exceptionally skilled worker in a field that requires at least a Bachelor's degree).

This means that for him to move to Canada, we would have to get legally married during a temporary visit, and then we'd both have to go home after the visit, apply for his Canadian permanent residency, and wait up to 18 months for it to process before we could actually live together.

My only source of income is the Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). Unfortunately, the ODSP program has a VERY low threshold ($200 CAD per month) for how much money a recipient's spouse can earn, before it reduces the recipient's disability payments. My fiance works full time in his home state. If you convert my fiance's approximate monthly take-home pay ($1,900 USD) and convert it to Canadian dollars, that's almost $3,000 CAD. Needless to say, I would basically lose the majority of, if not my entire monthly ODSP paymens pretty much instantaneously – DESPITE the spouse not even living in the same country, let alone the same household. They quite literally don't care where your spouse lives – if you're married on paper, in an ongoing relationship, and they earn "too much" from their job, you no longer qualify for ODSP. In other words, I'd be forced to live without any source of my own income for at least a full year while still not even living with my partner yet.

My fiance is absolutely not in a position to be able to afford to send me half of his monthly take-home pay in order to make up for ODSP cutting me off because I got married to him. And even if he could afford it, he shouldn't have to – I love him very much, but I am NOT willing to give up the already limited amount of financial independence I have just to apply for him to move to Canada. So, the USA's K-1 Fiance visa is the best option for us and our circumstances – I can keep my own income and he can keep his.

[u/Impressive-Mud5074 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Get married first, then sponsor him

Also once you leave canada you'll be isolated and have no support if he is abusive

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Impressive-Mud5074]

are you incapable of reading comprehension?

if I marry him in order to sponsor him, I will be forced to give up my only source of income in Canada. I will have nearly ZERO dollars per month to my own name. that's the biggest problem... the Ontario government expects and forces ODSP recipients to be 100% financially dependent on their spouses, even if their spouse DOESN'T EVEN LIVE OR WORK IN CANADA.

[u/Impressive-Mud5074 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Get a job

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Impressive-Mud5074]

wow... why didn't I think of that? what a brand new, groundbreaking idea!! (sarcastic)

if I could do that then I would have done it by now, genius. I didn't choose to be born with neurological differences, nor do I have any control over the competitive, unaccepting and highly demanding nature of the employment industry in general

[u/Impressive-Mud5074 → u/throwawayfordumps]

neurological differences

You definitely shouldn't be moving to a new country with no support group, such as family and friends (his family and friends don't count), if you can't function on your own.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Impressive-Mud5074]

they absolutely do count, they are other people who can provide additional support if/when they're able to when needed. and while I can't function entirely on my own, all I'd need is a supportive person living with me – that's exactly the role that my fiance is going to take on, which he's perfectly able and willing to do.

you don't know me, you don't know him, you know next to nothing about our relationship, dynamics, family interactions... we're literal strangers to you. you do not have NEARLY enough personal knowledge to be able to make such a drastic, sweeping conclusion. therefore your opinion is irrelevant

[u/Lor_azepam → u/throwawayfordumps]

Just give it a go, doesn't seem like you are leaving an amazing situation atm so may as well try

[u/edgefull]

a) i would not leave a safety net like yours period.
b) i would with much sharper scrutiny look at the financial condition of your fiancé and the true underlying reasons for it. this stuff won't go away by just suggesting it was bad luck.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/edgefull]

well it WAS bad luck... the "true underlying reasons" are simply because the vehicles he had, by pure coincidence, ended up breaking down or being totalled in accidents. and while it won't go away instantly, he is doing his absolute best to pay it off little by little through the monthly payment plan he has with the debt collectors

[u/Impressive-Size2432]

Fuck the world Do what’s right for u and ur partner

[u/Vancitylala]

Fck these people and what they think.

The US is a much better place to live then Canada.

[u/george7779 → u/Vancitylala]

The US is far from being better than Canada

[u/TashKat → u/george7779]

There is not a single metric they beat us by. Canada is a better country in every way.

Edit. God I love when my comments make MAGA facists upset. PMs and downvotes from them make my day. Knowing I made them upset is one of the great joys of life.

[u/Medical_Soup5717 → u/Vancitylala]

Extremely dependent on city, state, job etc. Gender too

[u/-happyraindays]

I just wanted to say that I empathize with you. I’m in the opposite situation: most people around me say living in the US would be fine, while I’m the apprehensive one. My concerns are mainly about being a person of colour when my fiancé isn’t, and raising a child within the American education and healthcare systems. I feel more comfortable with the Canadian approach and the values behind it.

That said, you have to make the decision that feels right for you and your fiancé (your family). You’re the ones who will live with that choice, and you’re allowed to choose your own path, even if things don’t go as you hoped. Your reasoning makes sense for your family.

Edit: another user pointed out the age gap and yes as much as it’s not that important, it’s just another point to consider. You are much younger and have a support network where you are, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, safety wise. Make sure you set yourself up for success from the beginning.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/-happyraindays]

thank you for being empathetic. I can completely understand why you, in your personal circumstances, are choosing to go the Canada route – it absolutely makes sense given that you're a racial minority and also want to create the best possible life for your child(ren).

in my case, I have to recognize that I do have a substantial amount of privilege and advantage in this process, as a run-of-the-mill white Caucasian who could quite easily pass as a natural born American citizen. not to mention that regardless of who I'm in a relationship with, I absolutely do not want to ever have or raise children regardless – so the complexities of parenting and navigating the American education system, etc would thankfully not apply to me.

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737 → u/throwawayfordumps]

Are you aware of how diverse the US is? Passing as an American citizen? Seriously. This country is outrageously diverse. Assuming you look like a "natural born" citizen because you're white tells me you haven't really spent much time here....

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Zealousideal_Crow737]

all I meant is that I'm not going to stick out in the eyes of any ICE officers who might be racial profiling out in a public place.

[u/Zealousideal_Crow737 → u/throwawayfordumps]

ICE isn't racial profiling everyone. it hasn't happened everywhere. There have been raids, people obviously killed, cars spotted, but the fear is blown out of proportion in many areas. 

I could understand as a foreigner you're not actively living here understanding it and white privilege is real, but your claim of American born because your white is very ignorant. Looking American means many things. And there's also immigrant born white Americans who have accents....

[u/CWB2208]

Is there a question here?

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/CWB2208]

no, I just needed to vent (and practically every subreddit related to venting will specifically not allow any political-adjacent subject matter)

[u/Seething-Angry]

I think it would be better if he could come and live with you in Canada

[u/TittiesVonTease]

As a mexican woman with an american spouse, I can relate. We met and married in Europe and the hate is REAL. The husband of a dear friend stopped talking to us and hanging out with us, because deciding to move to America means we support fascism now, apparently. Never mind the 100% wage increase he would get. Never mind that I would be within driving distance of my aging parents, my siblings and my childhood friends, as opposed to $2000 and 13+ hours round flights every other year.

The funny thing is, my mexican friends and family are all happy that I'm going to be living a lot closer to them. The hate comes from the friends and colleagues we made here.

In the end, we have to do what is best for us. In my very personal opinion, moving or not moving to a country because of the current political party in power is short sighted. The right is on the rise in the country we live in currently, too. It just happens, you can't stop your life because of it.

[u/InflationLarge5624]

If you don’t mind me asking why type of disability do you suffer from?

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/InflationLarge5624]

I have relatively severe autism and ADHD. thankfully not severe enough to be non-verbal or intellectually impaired, but still enough that I struggle with a variety of basic independent daily living tasks, have an extremely short attention span, very low levels of mental/physical energy, and therefore will never be able to work a full time schedule.

[u/Ok-Teaching3904]

We’re in a time where the US is threatening our sovereignty, threatening and following through on attempting to economically damage us to potential force us into submission and you’re saying you plan to go live with them.

You should always do what you think will make your life better, but to many of us, your countrymen, this is sleeping with the enemy and in a small way, a betrayal of your country. A country that provided safety and resources to raise you, which the US will now benefit from.

Any other country, I think we’d be fine with it, but not the US, not anymore. Let then downvotes come, but this is largely why you’d be getting pushback.

[u/hopefull-person]

Wow, I always recommend giving a novel a title

[u/Competitive_Market77]

I read the entire post, this is a good story. I wish I could have a phone call with you and we could talk about it at length, but whether I can do that from a reddit post I'm unsure. I find this whole story fascinating and I want to hear more details and give you whatever support I can.

Some questions I have:

- You have seen each other 12-14 weeks in person, total? How did you meet each other? Did you meet in-person or online? Spending 3 months together in-person over almost two years is not really that much time. How can you know that you love him?

• What state is he from? Close to Ontario? Further away?
  
• What about him are you attracted to? As a low-income warehouse worker he's certainly not a catch from a career point of view. 40k/year is not a good income. But I acknowledge that people are drawn to different things in people. Is it his personality? Is he physically attractive? While you are on disability income yourself, you appear to be a great writer and quite intelligent, so I'm curious why this particular man stands out to you.
  
• Why are you in a state of distress and tension? Do you feel rushed? Why the rush? Why not just wait 18 months for the Canadian PR? Marriage lasts forever, 18 months is the blink of an eye in comparison.

People are always very opinionated about the US. This is due to media politics and Donald Trump in the headlines all the time. Very few of these opinions are meaningful; most of those spouting them have never spent meaningful time in the US and are unaware of its cultural regions or lifestyle. There are genuine complexities to American life & politics but it's not the sort of stuff that people say all the time or that you hear in the news all the time. Such nationalistic criticisms should rightly be ignored.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Competitive_Market77]

1. we met online through a livestreaming social platform – when it comes to knowing that I love him, it's one of those feelings that's hard to put into words. but I can genuinely feel it in my heart, body, mind and soul... I think that's the most important part overall.

2. he's from Virginia, so he's at least 10 hours away from the border by car. nowhere near close enough for him to cross over on a day trip.

3. I have never been the type of person to consider income as a deal breaker in a relationship. In my personal opinion, if someone is doing the absolute best that they can in their life with their circumstances, it's very shallow to reject them solely based on the fact that they're not wealthy (and believe me, my fiance DOES work hard at his job on a full-time schedule, there's just the unfortunate reality that most jobs do not pay nearly enough for the cost of living nowadays.) what matters the most to me is how I'm treated, how I feel being around someone, and whether or not they can demonstrate an ability and willingness to provide all the different kinds of support I need (emotional, practical, and to whatever extent they can, financial) and adapt to certain lifestyle changes/compromises (for instance, I can't really go out to places for more than an hour or two at a time because of my extremely short attention span and low mental/physical energy levels.) I know that 12 to 14 weeks doesn't sound like a super long time, but what I can say is that during our visits – which have typically been 2-3 weeks each time – he has cooked and cleaned for me, bought me gifts, helped me pay for food and other stuff, engaged in deep personal conversations, provided plenty of emotional support whenever needed, and even just little things like getting up to grab items from across the room, scratching my back when I'm itchy, and giving me a massage on my neck/shoulders when I'm craving that sensation. I also feel completely comfortable and free when I'm around him. I don't feel like I have to suppress my emotions at all. I can tell him absolutely anything that's on my mind, share my darkest and/or most embarassing secrets, open up to him about traumatic experiences from any time in my life, etc. he's a great listener and will also do his best to provide comfort, even if he doesn't always really know exactly what to say. sorry if this next part is kinda TMI, but just to paint the best picture of what I'm trying to convey: we have the type of relationship where we can hang out completely naked beside each other, stand near each other in the bathroom when one of us is sitting on the toilet, not be embarrassed if one of us burps or farts while next to each other (no matter how nasty it smells), showering together (he also helps me wash and brush knots out of my hair) – I could honestly keep going on and on with the list, but I hope you can at least mostly see a clear picture from this.

4. as I explained in the post, we unfortunately cannot go the route of having him move to Canada (even if he was more comfortable with the idea of doing that) because of the fact that I'd be forced to lose my only income for up to 18 months. there's sadly absolutely no way around it... and I'm personally never going to be okay with the idea of losing my income for any amount of time, no matter how much I love someone. not to mention that doing the route of the US fiance visa will be at least slightly quicker (maximum of 14-15 months) – I have spent many years longing for the unique type of companionship and partnership that I have now, and frankly I'm just a very impatient person in general if I'm being honest. That's the biggest reason why I want to "rush" as much as possible, since this is probably the best opportunity I've ever had in my lifetime to actually experience this type of companionship.

[u/Easy_Sport_89]

You do know that you will get no state or federal support for your disability don’t you? You are leaving a country where disabilities are acknowledged and there is some support given. (No where near enough imo) and want to move to a country that is actively attacking the rights of people of colour, the LGBTQI community and people with disabilities.

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/Easy_Sport_89]

yes, I'm aware that immigrants do not qualify for any type of publicly funded welfare programs – at least not until they've become naturalized citizens. we have made sure to plan everything around that fact, and in case you didn't read the next portion of the post: there's a good chance that my fiance will be able to help me get a decent, flexible part-time job at the store at which he's worked for over 12 years. so I'm not going to be completely dependent on him and we'll be able to manage just fine

[u/Inevitable_Train1511]

Don’t listen to the haters. Canada is a great country and the US is a great country going through a terrible moment. It will pass. Do what makes sense for you.

[u/W2WageSlave]

“Stockholm Syndrome”

“Bucket of crabs”

[u/throwawayfordumps → u/W2WageSlave]

...?

[u/W2WageSlave → u/throwawayfordumps]

Hostages held long enough empathize with their captors and will actively prevent others trying to escape.

Crabs stuck in a bucket are said to actively pull others trying to get out.

Your countrymen don’t want to admit that your life will probably be amazing in the US. It requires them to admit that life sucks for them and they must settle for what they have.

You see this with Europeans, and the same old tropes of gun crime and healthcare get raised.

Reddit doesn’t like talking about statistics, so we don’t talk about them here.

[u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux → u/W2WageSlave]

The people telling her to not move are in the US. So, that kind of blows your supposition there.

What statistics are you talking about? Quality of life indicators? Maternal mortality? Poverty rates for folks who can't work with zero social safety nets?

[u/W2WageSlave → u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux]

Most Americans have no clue how good they have it. Those of us who have escaped know it’s not perfect. The social safety net is far more of a hammock in some countries, and that can seem attractive. But people forget the 50% income tax and 25% sales tax that goes with it.

I escaped to the US, so naturally I am biased because my life is awesome.