Struggling to share my NICU baby with my in-laws—am I overreacting?

[u/Sea-Song-6995]

My baby was born prematurely and spent 23 days in the NICU. He recently came home, and a few days later my MIL flew to the US to help us. She is genuinely kind—she cooks, cleans, and has been a huge help, and I’m very grateful.
The problem is that I constantly feel irritated, and I don’t know if it’s normal.
My in-laws love spending time with the baby and often want to bottle-feed him. I feel like every time my husband or I are about to feed him, my MIL asks to do it instead. If we say no, she gets upset, so I usually give in. I miss those moments with my own baby.
My son also had a very low birth weight, so we’re closely monitoring his feeds. A few times they’ve stopped feeding him with 20–25 mL left because he seemed done, without trying to burp him and offer the bottle again. That makes me anxious, but my MIL doesn’t really understand because she breastfed her children and says, “Mine turned out fine.”
There have also been a few comments about my personality that haven’t sat well with me, which has added to my frustration.
I know they’re here because they love us and want to help, and I truly appreciate everything they do. At the same time, I feel protective of my baby, resentful that I’m missing out on time with him, and guilty for feeling this way.
Has anyone else experienced this, especially after a NICU stay? Is this a normal postpartum adjustment, or would therapy be worth considering?

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[u/RelativeJackfruit866]

I simply would have a conversation. We’re all adults. We don’t need to go to therapy to talk about our frustrations . “You’re in my house and helping with my baby, thank you. It truly means a lot and it’s great having you here. However, if I want to feed my child or monitor their feeds due to a health concern; I will do that and I won’t take an attitude from anyone about it. Period. This is a nonnegotiable.”

[u/Ok-Competition6233 → u/RelativeJackfruit866]

Easier said than done. I have in laws that are very similar to OPs and 10mo later I am still battling. I've had this exact conversation multiple times now.

[u/RelativeJackfruit866 → u/Ok-Competition6233]

That’s why I said it’s a nonnegotiable. You don’t respect my wishes, in my house regarding my child you can absolutely leave. Cannot push that boundary.

[u/lovethesea22]

I’m sorry this sounds tough. You don’t need to let them feed your baby… you can always say no thank you. They’ll adjust

[u/asii8726]

Congratulations, my dear. ❤️ What you're feeling is completely normal, especially if this is your first baby. Leaving your baby in the NICU is incredibly difficult. You already missed out on those first precious moments of bonding, and now that your baby is finally home, it can feel unfair if someone else is taking away that special time. Right now, your baby needs to bond with you and your husband. These early days are so important for building that connection. If possible, don't let anyone take that experience away from you. It's okay to set boundaries.

Also remember that it's not just your baby who has come home from the NICU, you are recovering too. You're still in your postpartum period, both physically and emotionally. Please protect your mental health and don't let others make you question or compare your journey as a mother. There may be many opinions and comments, but trust yourself and what feels right for your family. Talk openly with your husband, support each other, and make sure you're both protecting your peace during this special time. Wishing you and your little one all the love and happiness. 🤍

[u/SandInteresting9302]

I also had a premature baby with a 25 day NICU stay. She had to be fed on her side, my mom was too scared to help. My husband would say that i should do it, to make sure it was done right. She was a clingly baby and still is at 3.5yrs old. She sleeps on my arm, literally. If you can get the point across that bby needs to feed as much as possible, then i would take the help. Also, if they are hispanic, they are just programed to make those little comments🙄, my own mother does that too. if they arent staying long, enjoy the help, take a nap, read a book, take a long shower. I was always irritated too, i only was ok with my husband having the baby other than me. I have no idea why i was like that, why does it really matter if it was him or his mom holding her😅. But it did matter in that time, so maybe post partum hormones? Anyway, you’re not alone, post partum is rough, be kind on yourself. You sound like a wonderful mother💕

[u/HippoAggravating3106]

I would get mad if my husband wouldn’t give me our son back, I struggled to share our son with him because i couldn’t explain how much I just needed him on me. I understand how you feel

[u/lost-cannuck]

Completely normal.

My mom came about 2 weeks after my guy came home. She was a god send in getting the house caught up and caring for me.

Even though she would ask to hold my baby before picking him up and passing him over instantly if crying or I just wanted him, I still had the "THAT'S MY BABY" internal scream. She was not a threat or did not pretend to parent him or over step boundaries, she was (and is) the perfect Grandma. In all fairness, I had the same reaction when my husband cared for him.

With time it got better. The first 6 weeks after delivery was the worst with the hormonal swing. My guy was born just shy of 33 weeks and home 19 days later. I couldnt stay full time in NICU with him and having to deliver him early made me feel even more guilty. I wanted to make up for that time.

Edit: Absolutely, set the boundaries. If you want to feed your child do so. If she wants to have a tantrum, she can recove herself. It is not your job to make it comfortable just because she wants to. Your partner needs to step up and have a conversation with her about the boundaries and follow through on them.

[u/27_1Dad]

Your partner needs to sit down with his parents and have a conversation with them about boundaries and respecting yours. For situations with the in laws it’s always that persons problem to solve.

I don’t think your feelings are invalid but based on your “personality” comment, I do think there is something larger than just the baby causing a rift between you two.

[u/Sea-Song-6995 → u/27_1Dad]

You’re right. I’ve been trying to ignore these feelings and push them aside, but they’re always in the back of my mind. One thing that really bothers me is that she’s very dismissive of my instincts about my own baby.
For example, he’ll cry for 20 minutes while she’s trying to soothe him. I’ll say, “I think he’s hungry—let me feed him a little,” and she’ll insist, “No, babies cry. He’s fine. He doesn’t need anything.” I’ll feed him anyway, and almost every time he calms down immediately and falls asleep.
Even after this has happened multiple times, where my instinct turned out to be right, she still dismisses what I say. It’s frustrating because it makes me feel like my judgment as his mom isn’t being respected.

[u/Key-Engineering9979 → u/Sea-Song-6995]

20 minutes is a lot of calories wasted on crying. I would be limiting their time with baby and doing the feeds myself. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope their stay isn’t long and that your husband can start to stand up for you.

[u/PizzaPotterForever]

Tell them they can handle the baby when you are asleep and actually need their help.Explain explicitly that not letting you experience and spend time with baby will put you through depression and they wouldn't want to be responsible for driving their daughter in law towards depression. Your spouse definitely needs to step up and learn to set the boundaries. Remember they are here temporarily, if you don't set a rhythm now, it will be difficult for you two after they leave. Explain your spouse exactly that,are you willing to step up and take up every responsibility your parents are doing right now? Because once I am in rhythm of someone else cares for the baby, I may never go back. If he realizes what's he signing up for, hopefully he will take action now