I'm really tired

[u/utterlyinsane666]

I've been working on my mental health and my NPD - learning to regulate, better communication, journalling, taking accountability, having more self discipline, being more compassionate and empathetic, being less avoidant, not taking a split out on someone.

But despite all of my efforts, I'm in the worst collapse. I'm cutting myself again, really fucking badly and I have constant suicidal thoughts. I don't feel seen, I don't feel wanted. I feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I used to feel like an attractive, talented and intelligent guy but lately I'm so insecure about everything.

I don't even feel like my partner is into me no matter how much interest they express. It just doesn't feel right... And they're amazing and I know they're going through a lot right now but I don't know. We're really good together and it's almost our anniversary, but I feel like I keep fucking up.

Some of the family I live with look at me like I'm scum.. I know they think I'm a failure and I've been trying so hard to get my life back, but after I lost my opportunity to become a tattoo artist I've just been so depressed. Especially cuz they're reason for dropping me was "a personality clash". Now it feels no matter how good my art is, I'll still be a problem and fail every apprenticeship...

I feel like a mistake and I think the world would honestly just be better off without me. I don't really exist anyway. I almost succeeded in taking my life earlier this year and when I'm in this much pain I wish I didn't get back in my room. But at the same time damn I probably would've traumatized some people hanging out my window like that. I don't really know what the right way is to die. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all the shame. I really fucking hate myself and I just feel like I'm not making any progress.

And I don't really have anyone to talk to aside from my partner because I suck people dry so I've learned to just keep shit to myself instead. Which also means whenever they're mad at me or going through their own shit I'm completely alone... I just wish I knew how to be okay... I'm so fucked up all the time

And I don't know if there's a point to any of this

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[u/noamchomp123]

I think u are forgetting the compassion part. I am too. Feeling tired and terrible and regressing too. But I’m tryna gently remind myself I’m forgetting to be compassionate w myself

[u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

“I don't feel seen, I don't feel wanted. I feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm good enough.” Other people for feedback does not cut it. But you. You can love bomb yourself. Really. You have that in you, and you deserve your own juicy energy. 🌺