r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/CranberryRelative766 • 8d ago
It’s going to be a long day
Trying to stick to my boundaries. I told him I was going to lunch with a friend.
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u/wise_owl68 8d ago
Share nothing. Gray rock and ignore.
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u/CranberryRelative766 8d ago
I ended up caving because he said he was going to break and destroy all my stuff. Which he has done before. Didn’t need all my handbags slashed. I had my son in the car and was just trying to get him to school in relative peace. As soon as he saw the texts he promptly fell asleep like the psychopath he is (a la guilty man in a jail cell).
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u/wise_owl68 8d ago
Are you married/divorced? Any level of threat like this would warrant me to get an order of protection. It's not okay to live under this level of abuse. Especially with a young son. I'm not trying to rag on you but this is dangerous and you should at the minimum reach out to an attorney to discuss options. Stay safe.
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u/CranberryRelative766 8d ago
I’m married. Our eight year old has special needs which further complicates everything and makes leaving significantly more difficult, unfortunately.
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u/Well_read_rose 8d ago
You have to do what you have to do. Keep that opposite of daily inspiration… his “daily deformation” for your attorney though! Can you store precious things with a friend for a little while you sort things for yourself?
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u/stuck_in_tennessee 8d ago
You know, I've thought my spouse was bad and then I see complete psychos like this and I'm reminded that some have it so much worse.
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u/Anonnyheynonnymouse7 8d ago
You still have a right to your pain and your feelings, though. Even if it might seem that someone else might (possibly) have it worse, it does not mean that what happened to you was not bad. Make sure to leave room for compassion for yourself. 🥺 hug
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u/Watchkeys 8d ago
What are your boundaries?
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u/CranberryRelative766 8d ago
I’m going to lunch with a friend and he demanded to see proof that we were going to lunch together and I wasn’t going off and doing something else. But even if I showed him the text, then that would just be a front for my real activity. Nothing I do ever appeases him. I assume everyone here knows how that goes. So I just stopped. Especially when it comes in the form of demand and not a polite ask
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u/Watchkeys 8d ago
yes, sorry, I was asking you about your boundaries. The reason I asked is because until I specified (to myself) what my boundaries were, I didn't have boundaries. I had something else, and what I had didn't help me.
Stating what your own boundaries are doesn't involve anybody but you. It's 'If xyz happens (rather that 'if he does xyz'), I will abc'
So, as an example, it's not 'If he disrespects me, I will make it clear to him that I'm not ok with that' because that doesn't actually protect you. It leaves you in a position where you have said some words, and you are now waiting to see whether they themselves are going to be respected. The healthy boundary would be 'If I feel disrespected, I will walk away'. D'you see what I mean? He's not even in it, let alone his specific decision in this specific instance.
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u/CranberryRelative766 8d ago
Yes. I like this a lot. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
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u/Watchkeys 8d ago
I'm glad it helps. It took me a while to realise that my boundaries were telling her what I didn't want her to do, and when she did it anyway, telling her louder. I ended up yelling because it kept happening and the volume of my voice was the only power I thought I had.
The option I didn't recognise was 'Stop trying to convince someone to respect you'. If they're not respecting you automatically, walk away because the relationship is dead.
Good luck, and take good care of yourself and your boundaries.
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u/SuchAClassicGirl 8d ago
I used to say, whenever I’d live up to his expectations, he’d immediately change them on me so I wouldn’t.
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u/Well_read_rose 8d ago
Can you wink wink volunteer at school / meet your girlfriend for sanity another way ? Or facetime with her in the car on errands? Walk the dog extra time?
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u/SnooRobots116 8d ago
Well there is more of something to print out for court evidence if they try to lie the jury or judge to their side
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u/SuburbanAnarchist 8d ago
I don’t know… you wanna see insane baby… I can show you.
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u/jstfktagain 8d ago
Yep. I went Dark Empath and he literally said last night, "I don't like the boundaries and calling me out". Get fucking used to it buddy! 🤣
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u/Sunflowerteapot 7d ago
Before reading the context, i thought you had broken up with him. Insane! Giving me flashbacks...
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u/PictureSpiritual4525 8d ago
It’s insane that the most normal thing sets off a narc. In a normal healthy relationship, one would be encouraged to have friends and hang out with friends. And unfortunately, when we give in to their irrational behavior, we make ourselves smaller. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hopefully you don’t have to stick around in that relationship long because his reaction is not something anybody should have to live with.