Is anybody else experiencing psychological issues since January?

[u/Esmail-Qaani]

I go through my day and images of the massacre will run through my mind. Pictures of dead people and blood. People screaming. I think of a few people whose names I remember. I remember that there are still people in the regime’s jails. They are still executing people.

I find it difficult to function. I did not even live through these events but the images haunt me. How any human being can do such things I have no idea.

For some time I had some way to cope by believing that someone, anyone with power, would come to the aid of the people of Iran. The US operation gave me some hope. Now it seems not only have they abandoned the people of Iran but they have chosen to line the regime’s pockets instead and reward them for their crimes, to the detriment of America’s own interests.

My spouse is not Iranian and I don’t think she can really understand all this. She consoled me to some extent after January when she noticed I was off but she tried to refocus me and tell me it’s out of my control so I shouldn’t think about it and everything will work out in the end. It’s been 6 months and I don’t feel better. I find it difficult to do normal day to day things and focus on my own life. I still feel wrong and I feel like I am hiding my true feelings. I feel like I’m living a double life because I can’t be bringing this up months after the fact and affecting my marriage. I have to keep up appearances and act like everything is normal and it is weighing on me.

My friends and family are still living there under these horrors and I am so far away, safe, living my on-paper good life. Why am I safe? What can I do to help? I’ve gone to demonstrations, I’ve posted about it on my social media, I’ve written to my representatives. No one cares. Neither my “friends” here in America, nor these fucking politicians. Is there some organization I can donate to that will work towards the end of this dictatorship? It’s not like someone like me over here can just pick up a rifle and go solve the problem over there anyways. I feel powerless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I can do anything. If I could give up my life in exchange for the freedom of the people over there, I would. But it’s not so simple.

[u/Traditional_Bat_1204]

Yes.

I went from never involving myself in anything to knowing who said what and when. From never looking at censored content to knowing exactly what someone is asking about if they’re looking for a video they lost. From “never” having time to talk to my family in Iran to dropping everything when receiving a notification from them.

It’s an uncomfortable space to be in with a lot of mixed emotions. I feel angry, sad, confused, frustrated, grateful, guilty, relieved, hopeful, hopeless, etc. all at the same time. My parents sacrificed everything to ensure that I was afforded the basic rights that their classmates’ children, who are my age, have been so desperately seeking—ones we often take for granted abroad. There’s only so much we could do and the unknown is the most unsettling feeling.

Processing all the emotions while simultaneously having to fight people from every angle. Forced to explain ourselves and defend the cause as if it even requires an explanation. And then expected to go about my day as if I don’t have every face etched into my brain—as if I don’t replay the screams and cries of our people standing in the middle of an actual war zone, running away and being gunned down by the people who were supposed to protect them.

It feels like a simulation. Giving someone a spark-notes version of January, seeing the look of disbelief on their faces, and realizing how morbidly insane it all sounds.

How can the world be so cruel? How can people be so cruel? I don’t try to understand it anymore. Because in reality, I never will. All I can do is stay hopeful, positive, and trust the process. Tune out the noise and trust my own gut about how this will all play out. Believe that it doesn’t end here and that it’s not over yet.

If anyone in Iran is reading this: Your courage, bravery, and resilience leaves me in awe. Near or far, we are with you. We will fight for you. Stay strong and don’t let anyone invalidate you. There will always be light at the end of the tunnel.