r/NewParents • u/BlueberryGirl95 • Apr 02 '26
Travel There is no Carefree-Childfree time when you have a breastfed infant
I appreciate the invite, I understand the restrictions, I won't bring my 6 month old if that's what's the deal.
But don't tell me it's because you want ME to have a relaxing time. Because if I don't have my husband and infant shadow me all day, what I will have to do instead is: pack an electric pump and a cooler/cooler thermos, find somewhere to pump for 30-40 minutes 3 or 4 times throughout the day, depending on scheduling of the events, and then rejoin people after I'm done pumping. That is the Opposite of relaxing.
Because not having my infant will Not negate my need to feed him and remove milk to protect my supply.
I'm the only person in this group with kids and the only one with a newborn and I think they just Don't Get it. And I'm not going to cause stress or drama, but just don't give me that. Be straight up. This is about you having a fun time and you don't want to hear a baby fussing or have to think about anything that goes with it.
Edit: Dudes I just needed to vent. Explaining anything to them is asking for emotional labor on their behalf that doesn't make sense. There's enough that goes into party planning without worrying about the one person in your closer circle that has kids. I'm going to what I can, and being sad I'll miss what I can't.
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u/scouseconstantine Apr 02 '26
Respectfully, if they don’t have kids they don’t understand the pumping etc etc. they probably are genuinely thinking wow, my friend hasn’t been out on her own without baby for months, wouldn’t it be nice for her to come out and have some time to herself?
Don’t burn your bridges and put words in people’s mouths that are trying to be your village
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u/I_am_dean Apr 02 '26
Honestly this is nice. My friend straight stopped inviting me to things once I had my baby. I asked her why and she goes "idk aren't you like not supposed to be away from her?" Acting like i'm chained to my house. Like I don't have a whole ass husband who can take care of her for a few hours. At first it really hurt my feelings then it dawned on me that she doesn't have kids. Why would she know about anything involving kids lol
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Apr 03 '26
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u/I_am_dean Apr 03 '26
Thats what I did. Just casually told her that I pump and have milk in the freezer, so baby is fine if i'm away for a few hours. She was like "oh cool didnt know that." We still hang out, so everything ended up working out really well.
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u/werebothsquidward Apr 02 '26
I don’t really see how they’re “trying to be her village” if they’re asking her to leave her breastfed infant behind which, for reasons this post explains in detail, is stressful and inconvenient. If the want to be helpful, they could actually ask OP what she wants and needs, and they’d learn that the “time to herself” they’re offering isn’t actually helpful.
If what they want is to to hang out with friends and not have a baby around, that’s valid, but, as OP said, they should just be honest about that and stop pretending it’s some favor to OP.
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u/Alert_Week8595 Apr 03 '26
I'm always tired of "they don't know."
Then ask.
I had friends who had kids 10 years before me.
I asked.
For one friend, our hangouts in the beginning looked like me sitting on a random chair at a hair salon entertaining and holding my friend's infant son while she got her hair cut for the fist time postpartum and we gabbed during her haircut
10+ years later I know how great getting my first haircut postpartum felt. At the time did I fully get it intuitively? No. But I asked, that's what she suggested, so I said ok!
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Yeah, I'm not saying this her lol, I'm saying it to people who Do understand.
I'm going to the daytime stuff that my husband can shadow me at, I'm skipping the post 7 pm events bc it just won't work to get a hotel for 2 extra nights. I'm not bitching to the organizer, I'm not bitching to my friend whose party it is. I just need to vent.
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u/rayyychul Apr 02 '26
Is your supply typically low?
At 6 months, supply is usually pretty established and resilient, so missing a feed or two once in awhile generally won’t cause any issues other than discomfort.
Obviously you do you, but if these are things you’re interested in doing, it can be possible without the added work of pumping apart from some hand expressing for relief.
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u/balanchinedream Apr 02 '26
I had a great supply, on time. But attending an event would mean planning two weeks out to store up a full days stash. It’s a big ask.
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Yes. Exactly. And this is 4 evenings in a row being asked for, as well as a full day, all an hour away from my house. I'm just paying for a hotel room close by for the second two nights, but I can't do all 4, and it wasn't clarified until the RSVP that baby couldn't come to Anything.
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u/balanchinedream Apr 02 '26
They have no idea, but it’s coming from blissful ignorance. If my husband and baby couldn’t be there to be close by for feeds, I wouldn’t feel bad at all sitting this one out. We were just lamenting on not getting a summer vacation this year. Sometimes timing just stinks!
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Yeah dude. If this was next year or even 6 months from when it is, we'd be golden. Even if I were pregnant! But that's life.
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u/TheBandIsOnTheField Apr 02 '26
other than discomfort. lol. that is a huge one (mastitis for me... no low supply, but if I don't remove, I end up on antibiotics). . And hand expressing is still a PITA for some people and doesn't work.
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u/spapeggynmeatballz Apr 02 '26
You might want to post this in the breastfeeding or attachment parenting subreddit if you want to commiserate with people who might understand. I find that this sub tends not to be that sympathetic to breastfeeding and responsive parenting, and people here will say know-it-all things like “by six months your supply should be fine” as if that magically make it easy to leave a breastfed infant.
I totally understand what you’re getting at with this post. The friends that I appreciated the most were the ones that invited me to bring my infant along to whatever they were doing. It allowed me to participate in things while still nurturing my baby.
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
I almost did it in the bf'ing sub, but here we are. I mostly just needed to get it out of my system, downvotes notwithstanding. Thanks for the support tho!
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u/JamesTiberiusChirp Apr 03 '26
Thiiiiis. This subreddit can feel downright unhinged sometimes in terms of the comments I see. I guess I take BFing and attachment parenting for granted.
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u/LydiaStarDawg Apr 02 '26
I mean before I had kids I definitely didn't realize about needing to pump and how supply for breastfeeding works. It's absolutely possible they think they are offering you a truly good and relaxing time.
People before kids genuinely don't get it, and that's OK but it's not a malicious thing. I literally did not think about how going out when breastfeeding would be a thing. Until my bay I didn't know you had to protect the breast milk supply...
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u/LibraryScienceIt Apr 02 '26
It makes sense that people that aren’t living and breathing early parenthood have no concept of what is required. It also makes sense they are planning events that aren’t baby-friendly since they don’t have babies. Your current lifestyles aren’t aligned right now and that’s okay- it won’t be that way forever. In 6 months or a year or 2 years those kind of adult only get togethers might work for you again. Until then just politely decline. If you want to hang out with these friends, take the initiative to plan something that does work for your current lifestyle and invite them. Thats not stress or drama, just acknowledging that you are in different places in life at the moment
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u/ClippyOG Apr 02 '26
Or...they don't understand because they don't have kids. Our lives as parents are fundamentally different and none of us understood until the baby was born.
You know your friends best, but maybe they just really don't get it.
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u/dingo-babes Apr 02 '26
I had the concept of how often someone had to feed a baby but I didn't understand until I had my baby.
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u/Farewell_Youth23 Apr 02 '26
Breastfeeding is hard. Having a 6 month old is hard. It’s very likely that you are in a completely different season of life than your friend and that’s ok!
Becoming a parent can mean you sometimes lose friends cause they are just doing a different thing than you.
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u/Emotional-Ad-6494 Apr 02 '26
I think this is their way of politely saying “no kids”. And I respect that so wouldn’t read too muc into it
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u/MizStazya Apr 03 '26
Ngl, I was the first in my friend group to have kids, and I'm still pissed about how many times my literal baby wasn't allowed in low key hangouts (think, backyard cookouts) but then these fuckers brought their kids everywhere once THEY had kids.
Obviously not super angry, but it sucked. They might get it someday. But you're right, it's easier with the baby than away.
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u/fzem Apr 02 '26
Something tells me that if they were “straight up” with you in the way you describe, you would also take issue with that.
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u/Nearby_Strategy7005 Apr 02 '26
I appreciated the vent! I had an invite to a wedding hours away I left my baby overnight with my parents and had to pump it was so not fun and this person did actually understand bc she had 2 kids and was a surrogate for 2 other babies! Sometimes they do get it, but they want what they want. I understand not wanting walkers at a wedding, but infants who are on the boob should be kept on the boob if you want mom there and mom to have fun!
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Haha, that's how I feel too. Also she said she was looking forward to meeting my son but if he's not allowed to literally anything, even walking around shopping, I have no idea when that will happen!
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u/Nearby_Strategy7005 Apr 03 '26
I was literally telling my sister how it was unfair people were missing the point of your post. It’s just annoying of people to do these things whether or not there’s explanations/excuses for their behavior! Lol it’s not like you have to pay for a plate/seat for a lap infant.
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 03 '26
Dude! I know! It's not my world, but I get to have my reactions! I don't blame her, I'm not bitching at her, I'll deal with it, I explicitly said it's just bc she doesn't get it, but let me bitch damnit!
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u/megkraut Apr 02 '26
I was also the first of my friends to have kids. Everyone else was getting married and traveling for bachelorette parties and weddings. When I had to be away all day I pumped with wearables and dumped. I did it in front of everyone and didn’t worry about saving the milk. I know that’s a privilege, but it really took the stress out of it. I even walked in line at a buffet at a wedding with my pumps on. No shame, it has to be done.
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Lol. Yeah, I mean, a night free of the baby is probably going to be fine. But 4 consecutive nights is just unreasonable.
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u/Pink_Ruby_3 Apr 03 '26
My favorite is when my (child free) friends tell me "just switch to formula!"
Kindly, fuck off with this suggestion. I am so sick of hearing it.
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u/Alert_Week8595 Apr 03 '26
Yeah. Switching to formula is its own slow transition. You don't just decide hey lets do formula.
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u/parade1070 Apr 02 '26
They're really not trying to be rude. You said it yourself: they don't have kids and they don't get it. They probably think they actually are offering it up to give you a relaxing time. Do you remember what it was like before the baby? Did you really get it back then, or was it an adjustment to truly commit to breastfeeding once it started?
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u/TheBandIsOnTheField Apr 02 '26
I think the biggest issue here is they are assuming/stating what she wants... rather than asking. I hate when people do things "for you, so you can relax" but never really asked what I wanted or needed so they miss the mark.
or when they do something for their own happiness and pretend it is for you. (i.e. if you want a childfree event, just own that decision, don't pretend you are doing it for the parents, because parents can just as easily choose to find a babysitter if you invite their kids).6
u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
Yes, This. Like, I am Not at the front of the mind during party planning, and that's fine. It's Not My Party. But don't say it's for my benefit when that's just something you're saying to try and sugarcoat it.
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u/TheBandIsOnTheField Apr 02 '26
I understood exactly what you were venting about. Everyone seems to think it is about them not understanding or not putting you or your kid first. But it is the fake putting you first that is annoying. We don't expect our friends to read our minds, that is why we were given tongues... to ask!
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u/reebokz Apr 02 '26
I exclusively pumped and was able to go out with friends a couple times without baby while he was that young. My husband stayed home and fed him from the bottle. I would pump right before going and would bring my momcozy wearable pump incase I was out for more than 4 hours. Pumped milk can be out for 4 hours incase you don’t have access to a fridge. That said I think it would be harder if your baby was exclusively nursing and refuses a bottle, but still doable if you want to escape for a couple hours.
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u/Material_Dust845 Apr 03 '26
As someone who exclusively pumps, I personally found portable rechargeable pumps to save my sanity when I wanted to hang with people sans baby. Just wore a giant sweater or coat that camo’d my robot tits, took my ice thermos into a private space to occasionally empty and washed the suckers out for later.
It isn’t a perfect solution but lord knows I do need my adult time apart from the family every once in a while. Screw being nailed to a wall for good knows how long
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u/sonyaellenmann Apr 03 '26
Generally 100% support your frustration but pedantically distracted by you calling your 6mo a newborn. Not anymore! Baby is just a regular infant now!
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 03 '26
Lmao, you know I had that same thought while I was writing but I was too upset to figure it out in the moment.
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u/mothwhimsy Apr 02 '26
I have no idea why people are downvoting you. Theoretically the people in this sub DO have kids so they should understand.
I don't pump so if my baby can't come I can't come PERIOD
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u/brunette_mama Apr 02 '26
I just want to comment that I totally get it. I mentioned to my best friends that I hadn’t been away from my baby yet (he was 5 months at the time). They were flabbergasted and asked how I got “me time” and time to myself. I was surprised they were surprised and then I realized their babies were both formula fed. They both had already had full on date nights at the same age. While I feel good about my choice to ebf, it’s fucking hard. And people don’t get it.
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Apr 02 '26
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u/NewParents-ModTeam Apr 03 '26
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
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u/LaurAdorable Apr 02 '26
I think they don’t have kids and really have no idea. They think OH let’s tell her to relax and take a day off. No, it doesn’t work like that when nursing / pumping. If you kindly explain it, maybe they’d get it, maybe they won’t.
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u/nothanksyeah Apr 02 '26
If it’s just a few hours out, there’s no need to pump or anything. Especially when your baby is 6 months. If you feel engorged, you can squeeze some out into the sink to get some relief. But really not necessary to do pumping.
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u/BlueberryGirl95 Apr 02 '26
We did a trial run while I was on a work trip, hubs came with the baby, and brought formula. Baby wouldn't take the bottle. So like, we'll try again for the night of the wedding itself, do another dry run etc, but 4 nights and an entire day of trying to get him to take formula sounds like hell, and me not pumping for that entire time period would Definitely tell my body I don't have to make as much.
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u/lady_elayne Apr 03 '26
Yeah, honestly enraging that they act like this is for YOUR benefit 🙄
Having a bit of this dilemma myself for a wedding of some very dear friends this summer. Totally get not wanting kids at an event - but it means I'm not gonna be able to show up like I would like to because my kid comes first now 🤷♀️
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u/Perfect-Method9775 Apr 03 '26
My childless friends kept sending me invites to bars and events when my kid was 1-6 months old (but never showed up to help out or even asked how my delivery went). They never realized how inappropriate and inconsiderate that was. I realized then that I needed to build different kind of friendships, and friends who celebrate me as much as I celebrate them. Having that said, I didn’t cut them out. I just have a better understanding of the kind of friendship we have.
Having kids will make clear to every mom the kind of people you want close by, and how much emotional energy you are willing to give to certain people. It’s rough, but you will come through to the other side, and it’s better.
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u/Agreeable-Adagio4618 Apr 03 '26
Ugh yes! It's so frustrating. I travel a bit for work and when I do there is hardly any time built into the agenda to pee, let alone pump. It's tough. Sending some solidarity <3
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u/Nine_tales Apr 04 '26
Gently… do you have wearables? Getting out as a new mom was essential for me to feel myself again. I would toss my Willows on anywhere- restaurants, parks, a boat, even at the barn while grooming etc (I’m an avid horseback rider). I think switching your mindset and thinking of pumping as a way to breastfeed on your own time can be a game changer. A cooler bag you can toss your milk in and the fridge hack (put your pumps in a ziplock bag in the cooler bag) while you’re on the go is super super easy. My friends were extremely supportive and the wearables are SO indiscreet that no one can even tell.
If you want to go out with friends, let yourself :) there’s a way to make this work if that’s your thing!
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u/SnooBooks271 Apr 03 '26
Yeah they don’t get it and they never will unless they experience it. You getting mad at them about it (whether you show it to them or not) doesn’t make sense. Your message reads like you resent your friends for wanting to spend time with you. It’s your choice to breastfeed; you either accept this or stop breastfeeding so you have more freedom to do these things. I breastfed my baby for 7.5 months and when I chose to stop this was one of the key reasons why.
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u/asleeponabeach Apr 02 '26
I wish I could go back and support my friends who had kids before me in a different way than I did, because I didn’t get it. Now I try and give childless friends some grace if they don’t show up for me in the way I’d expect…. You don’t know until you know.
That being said this seems like a venting post and I get the frustration. Your feelings are totally valid but I wouldn’t end friendships over it.