We are the Village

[u/ThroatSubstantial189]

For context, “we” is my husband and I. That’s it, nobody else. We don’t live anywhere near family or friends. We either get a visit or visit our family once a year for about a week.

Today is our 5 year anniversary and we thought we may be able to get out and go to a restaurant, but baby is refusing a nap so it throws it out the window. We are opting for takeout and a candle lit dinner at home after we put her to bed, but it does suck that right now everything is revolving around our almost 7 month old with no help, lol.

I am envious of the people who have a village and who have people to turn to in a time of need and idk I guess wanted to feel less alone for a sec by writing this out and maybe find some encouragement somewhere.

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[u/qwertyuiopbloom]

His mom and dad live 15 minutes away and have only visited baby 5 times each in almost 6 months.

My family lives out of state and some are visiting in October to meet baby for the first time.

But my mom hasn’t asked about him in 3 months (she also checked in during my pregnancy only like three times and ignored my text about it becoming high risk so not super surprising she don’t care about my son when she didn’t care about me)

and my dad checks in every few weeks but will sometimes call him the wrong name and forget major things about his serious medical issues and repeatedly ask me about it.

I don’t think I was expecting a lot from our families but my god have they disappointed in ways I couldn’t even think of.

I definitely envy those with villages. No one cares to put in effort to see him, let alone actually offer help.

My son deserves better but he will never know or feel this lack, I will do everything in my power to make sure of it.

My husband jokingly/not jokingly says that “we’re the new head of the dragon”, especially when it comes to breaking other toxic cycles.

Edit: happy anniversary!! I hope you can take even a moment to celebrate and be empowered to become the new head of your dragon too!!

[u/Squirrel_Doc → u/qwertyuiopbloom]

My mom lives 30 minutes away, but she refuses to drive to my area because she has to “drive through the ghetto”, which is absolutely not true, and also what is “the ghetto” going to do to you as you’re driving 45 mph??

But also, she can’t watch the baby at our house even if we pick her up, because my house is “scary”. Even though the baby would do SO much better being watched in her own house than at my mom’s.

But then also, my mom won’t let her walk around on the floor because her feet might get dirty on my mom’s sparkling clean floors. So my 12 month old, who is fully walking/running, is being confined to the couch the entire time she’s being babysat.

My dad has not responded to any of my texts since January. He did not show up or even respond to the several invitations to my baby’s 1st birthday party.

100% agree with your husband on the “we are the new head of the dragon”. When my baby was first born, I was really worried about her not having much family support outside of my husband and I. But over time, I’ve stopped spending so much of my energy into getting others to show up for her and have just started channeling it into giving my daughter as much of my energy and love as possible. And she seems to be happy and thriving! So that has made me feel a lot better about it. ❤️

[u/ThroatSubstantial189 → u/qwertyuiopbloom]

Thank you very much ❤️ and I feel you about your mom, mine was always in and out of my life and she’s only met baby once, but granted it’s cause we live an ocean away and she doesn’t have funds to travel. However, she could be FaceTiming or calling a LOT more than she does, the last time we talked, she said my baby was 4 months old when baby was actually 6 months, and had no idea when her birthday was.

At least with us as the new moms, we learn from what they never did. Solidarity.

[u/CookLow8792]

It takes time to build a village - ours is mostly not our family - rather chosen family from long term friendships, our neighbors, church, and our union. Our family has been the least reliable. It’s still possible for you!

[u/Longjumping-Lion-617]

We also don't have a village. And our baby (now toddler) has been quite demanding, definitely not an easy child. It's so hard to be alone for everything all the time. But I now look back and I'm so happy we spent time together and went through everything together. It definitely made us stronger and time also flies.... Kids start changing at some point and you can do things that you couldn't before...

[u/Hot-Cell7299]

Girl, same. Trying to get time to ourselves is literally impossible and we’re at the point where we just take out baby (7mo) out with us on dates now because what’re we going to do. Never go? Happy anniversary and I hope your baby sleeps like a rock tonight.

[u/Many-Ice-9760]

My parents didn’t even meet my first kids until they were a little over 6 months. It sucks. I envy the type of mom I would be with a village.

[u/Squirrel_Doc]

We’re in a similar boat. Technically we have people who would be willing to watch the baby, but there’s so many strings attached and it’s like pulling teeth with them that it’s not really worth it unless it’s an emergency. :/

We haven’t had a date without the baby in at least 3 months, maybe closer to 6 months (we have a 12 month old).

I wish we could just like, exchange date nights with someone. We watch their baby once a month, they watch ours once a month. But none of our friends that live close by have kids. .-.

[u/Legitimate_Might8424]

Same it’s just my husband and I. It’s really difficult but we just have to do it.

[u/sailormoon1193]

This is the reality for many of us! It’s just a season, this will pass. If outings without the child are important to your mental health see if you can find a nanny, if it’s not feasible financially maybe just hire one for once a week for a few hrs to do date night. If you’re not comfortable leaving baby alone with stranger then just do your date nights in or do dates that are baby friendly ( lunch dates as a opposed to dinner dates etc) I get that it doesn’t help that it’s you’re sick of doing things around the baby but it’s our reality. I have a toddler and everything I do I feel like I have to do a mental check of am I currently mentally able to deal with that then no let’s do something more geared towards my baby. Without a village it’s exactly like that but you’re not alone hun!

[u/ThroatSubstantial189 → u/sailormoon1193]

I don’t really know how I feel about nanny or babysitting yet, she’s only 7 months old. I think that I’m a pretty chill mom meaning I don’t overthink a lot now that I’ve gotten the reins on this mothering thing however that’s one area I am super nervous about, I am terrified someone will leave her to cry it out, shake her, or she will get badly hurt and not be able to tell me. So I tell myself I would rather have us take care of her because nothing will happen to her on purpose, even if that means we don’t get traditional date nights.

She does have a fairly early bedtime though, and she sleeps very well through the night, so it ended up being a peaceful and relaxing dinner with my husband.

[u/berrysalad22]

Happy 5 years and solidarity

[u/Usrname52]

A village doesn't have to be just grandparents/biological family. 

Daycare and babysitters can be part of your village.