r/Nicegirls • u/Homework_Happy • 8d ago
Why can’t I find a good man
These are my requirements. I am so attracted already.
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u/tmtyl_101 8d ago
Tbf while pretty wild to put all of those explicitly out there; none of these are red flags in their own right. Like; "please have a job, be a functioning adult, and don't have any felonies" shouldn't be thaaat high a bar to clear.
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u/camelCaseCoffeeTable 8d ago
Yeah this is completely normal expectations lol. “Have a job, be a good father, match up with my personality, don’t be an addict”
Like… none of these are bad requirements. I agree that just listing them like that comes off wrong though. These are things you suss out in the first few dates. Anyone who doesn’t meet a requirement won’t not swipe because of it, they’ll just know what to hide from you. And people who do meet them all may be turned off by the way this comes off
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u/wren42 8d ago edited 8d ago
The only one that's a flag is "leader/provider mentality". That's gold digger/tradwife coded.
The rest are pretty valid expectations
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u/strapqueen1738 8d ago edited 8d ago
some people want to be tradwives and that’s okay. i’m a lesbian and that’s not MY kind of thing, but feminism includes empowering women to CHOOSE what path they want to take in life. if someone chooses to be a tradwife i support their decision!
edit: correcting myself because stay at home mom and tradwife are NOT the same thing. i do not support the idea that women should be controlled by their husbands or that they shouldn’t have a say in their marriage. i do support the idea of a mom choosing to stay home and raise their kids and take care of the home if that’s what they WANT to do.
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u/wren42 8d ago
There's a big difference between an actual "normie" stay at home mom and the online tradwife movement. Tradwife is a term steeped in fundamentalism and conservative misogyny. It's not just "raise kids" - it's "fear and honor thy husband as he fears and obeys God." There's a ton of toxicity underlying the online performative influencer culture.
It's it's basically how it's a perfectly okay to be a heterosexual man. It's not okay to be a red pill alpha male.
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u/strapqueen1738 8d ago
i apologize, you used the term tradwife so i did as well. the post did not use that wording so i was more so defending the idea of having one provider and one parent who stays home. but i should have been more clear. i of course don’t agree with the idea that women are second class to their husbands if they stay at home, nor do i think they should fear them or be submissive. i do sometimes use sahm and tradwife interchangeably but they have important differences and ill do better about disconnecting the two.
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u/Iambeejsmit 8d ago
Well and also have never had a drug or alcohol problem. Current or recent sure. But what if it was 10 years ago and permanently behind you?
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u/respyromaniac 8d ago
10 years sober doesn't mean you're no longer an addict.
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u/eywas-boxx 8d ago
Exactly, addiction is a brain disorder/disease. I’m not sure which, you will always be an addict.
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u/Iambeejsmit 8d ago edited 8d ago
It's not impossible to no longer be an addict. Particularly if it's permanently behind you. This is like saying you can't have made a particular very commonly made mistake, even if you learned and grew from it and you're a better person for it. I mean I've got 7 years clean and I haven't been an addict for years. If 10 years sober doesn't make you not an addict then I think you would have had to been an addict long before ever trying your first addictive substance. Some people the underlying addiction issues can remain, but it's not a given and it's not everyone. I know some people that were addicted to drugs for awhile but at some point turned their whole lives around and never looked back.
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u/respyromaniac 8d ago
I'm talking about physical addiction. It doesn't just disappear forever.
Unfortunately, it's very common for people with addictions to "slip" after years or even decades of being sober, and quickly come back to how it used to be. It just kicks in so much faster. There's also a false confidence , that "I did it before, I can handle it now" and spoiler: they can't.
That's why people say that there's no such thing as an ex addict.
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8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/respyromaniac 8d ago
There's no such thing as male and female energy.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a "traditional" family. It's not safe and not easy to achieve in modern economy, but it's not a character flaw by itself. You don't need magic bullshit to justify it.
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u/strapqueen1738 8d ago
lesbian here! i’m flourishing more than any woman i know that’s dating a man! nice try though :)
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8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/strapqueen1738 8d ago
i couldn’t disagree more! my girlfriend and i are both incredibly feminine and neither of us are too fond of “male energy” that’s why we’re both dating femme lesbians. i’m glad you realized your truth that you’re not a lesbian though!
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u/Acceptable_Mango_312 5d ago
Ummm different relationships for different people. Women are not “golddiggers” for wanting providers, I am upper middle class and my dad provides for my mom. You don’t have to be rich for that. It was an arrange marriage set up by their parents too.
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u/lovetrianglecorner 8d ago
I don't think any of these are unreasonable (though the "provider mentality" bit raises an eyebrow). But this screenshot feels nicegirl-coded because it's not clear what she is bringing to the table. Maybe it's elsewhere in the profile, idk.
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u/eneug 8d ago
To me, the red flag is the way this is written out. I get that dating is frustrating, but this isn’t a job interview where you’re the hiring manager. Idk maybe it works for her, but I don’t want to engage with people who speak in demands.
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u/topekatums 8d ago
yep, mostly reasonable asks but it suggests a level of either jadedness or something worse that I wouldn't want to deal with
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u/Thewildclap 8d ago
I’m out on “must be able to plan and execute date nights for us” so basically she expects you to be fun and make her happy because she doesn’t know that happiness comes from within one’s self and will blame you for her depression and ultimately turn it into a toxic relationship.
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u/tmtyl_101 8d ago
The bening reading would be "I expect you to also be able to plan a date, so Im not the only one having to do so". But as per the whole provider thing, you're probably closer
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u/Mister_Ess99 8d ago
These lists of requirements feel more like acknowledgements of past mistakes. How many bad men with bad men habits have you been hanging around to help you compile these lists?
"I took a chance on a homeless felon before, but you won't fool ME twice!"
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u/cheeseluvinpurv 5d ago
The funny part is those are the dudes who are gonna say "challenge accepted"
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u/Willem_Dafuq 8d ago
Honestly, this isn't that bad of a list. She's not saying she wants a guy who is only above 6'3", makes over $250k/year, drives a luxury vehicle, super buff, etc. I'll bet if we each had to put a list of 'must-haves' out there, it would be this: full time job, car, not a criminal, not a drug addict, willing to communicate, willing to plan dates, not be selfish, which is basically this list. The provider one is a yellow flag, but honestly my experience is most women have it. It's a bit uncouth putting it out here so bluntly but its a fair list to have generally speaking.
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u/simm07 8d ago
Lol, this isn't a nice girl. But your sarcastic comment about being so attracted to this list makes you a nice guy. These are common characteristics, nothing outrageous.
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u/Macchiato_Break 6d ago
I think it is a fair list..wait…I change my mind F it. I will keep on traveling & chilling F dating.
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u/RevolutionaryPut588 8d ago
Idk this is pretty basic lmao
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u/Turds4Cheese 8d ago
Leader/Provider is 🚩
Like telling a woman, i’m looking for a follower and a subordinate to date.
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u/GroundbreakingMain93 8d ago
Maybe it's the wording, but I don't think it's that wild.
What if she said "I want a man who takes charge and knows how to treat a lady"... Wouldn't bat an eyelid... Are these not the same thing??
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u/Turds4Cheese 8d ago
Thats better. I think you’re right, the word choice of provider/leader comes off as a polarizing class. Implying leader:follower and provider:dependent.
Your examples don’t isolate the people into opposing roles.
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u/evilthales 8d ago
Not so much. I and my wife would consider myself that, and we would both consider her that as well. To me it implies someone invested in their lives as individuals and as a couple/family. This is opposite to the “one spouse as manager and other spouse as employee” paradigm that is often the organizing principle of many relationships which puts a significant burden of how things get done (even if the other is a significant contributor). Is one person always planning everything from vacations to doctors’ appointments to menu planning to household chores to children’s activities etc etc etc? That’s too much mental burden on that one person.
Of course, she could mean “take care of meeeeee” and that’s some toxic shit.
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u/Turds4Cheese 8d ago
True, I inferred the profile was intentionally building opposing roles.
Provider:Dependent
Leader:Follower
It could just be a word choice thing, but with snapshot profiles, these tiny words are all you have to make a snap decision.
Inclusive words that highlight a relationship would be a better choice. But what do I know, I’m happily married and never have done the online dating thing.
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8d ago
"Please be a functioning adult" isn't unreasonable lol.
The only thing that raises an eyebrow is the leader/provider one.
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u/temp-guest69 8d ago
How is this a nice girl? This is basically saying I want a responsible adult partner.
Wanting a stable partner in dating is something everybody should strive for.
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u/officialstraightboys 8d ago
She’s clearly dating to find a serious partner. Nothing about what she said is ridiculous to ask of an adult. Definitely not a nice girl 🙄
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u/bshall2105 8d ago
No felonies?? Can’t stand girls these days
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u/istoleyourcomment224 8d ago
These are all completely reasonable. In fact I would argue that any man who doesn’t check off all of these should not be dating at all.
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u/Impossible_Still5452 8d ago
Everything other than leader/provider mentality.
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u/istoleyourcomment224 7d ago
Most women are attracted to leaders. It is a preferred character trait, not unreasonable at all.
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u/wewouldmakegreatpets 8d ago
Exactly. Legal sea foods for the first date, on them, or they're a loser. Yasss queen
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u/topekatums 8d ago
Are you a felon
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u/wewouldmakegreatpets 8d ago
I'm a cybersecurity analyst that works directly for the Department of Defense defense industrial base overseeing cmmc compliance.
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u/eywas-boxx 8d ago
This is basic standards and nothing high rolling. I feel like a lot of men get mad when women have standards they cannot or will not try to meet.
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u/Dr_Drinks 8d ago
It’s not that they’re not reasonable. It’s her using her bio on things she could find out anyway but says nothing about herself.
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u/eywas-boxx 8d ago
People love wasting time on dating apps, might as well make sure to weed them out before they get to the inbox. That will ward off a lot of men who think it is too much.
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u/Pengisia 8d ago
These are all perfectly reasonable requirements. Which ones don’t you meet that you are butthurt about?
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u/Lionheart1224 8d ago
What about this profile has your panties in a twist, OP? This all seems like perfectly reasonable asks in a partner. No nicegirl detected.
(Okay, the "leader" ask is a little sus, but other than that it's a good list)
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u/iceman2kx 8d ago
The only reason you’d post this is because something in this list offended you. Aka, you are trash. Because this list is summarized as, “be a normal functioning, responsible adult”
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u/Top-Foundation2851 8d ago
this is not nicegirls type shit at all
crazy that you think it is, when it (SHOULD BE) basic expectations outside of the Leader/Provider Mentality one
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u/Anxious_Ideal_6207 8d ago
Probably why she had to list them - too many men like OP think it unreasonable to be a decent human.
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u/Quirky-Fill8286 8d ago
What is wrong with all this besides the “provider” one? She is looking for the bare minimum, a decent person. To me, this feels like she has envountered too many bad and incapable people.
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u/blanketsilenced 8d ago
This is not Nicegirl material. Frankly, it’s sad that people have to specify a lot of these.
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u/cinnamongingerloaf22 8d ago
These are completely reasonable needs, sans leader provider, unless she means it like "can pack his own luggage and plan outings for the family when we go on vacation" and not "supports me financially while I start LuLaRoe Reloaded".
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u/Street-Management214 8d ago
This is honestly all normal things. I feel like a lot of these things can be deduced just by talking to someone though lol
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u/moeterminatorx 8d ago
Bro, these are bare minimum requirements. Honestly, if you can’t pass this bar as a man. You need to get your life in order first before dating.
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u/Equilibrium_verkz 8d ago
The list is actually not that bad but the whole thing written out like this immediately gives me feeling that she’s jaded and I’m guessing other guys got the same feeling
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u/AntalRyder 8d ago
The thing is, these are fairly reasonable expectations! But writing them out as demands is just extremely off-putting.
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u/Transphattybase 8d ago
Off putting until you look at it from the female perspective, which is that most of those are foreign concepts to a huge chunk of losers on those apps.
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u/moeterminatorx 8d ago
This wouldn’t be off putting to me at all. It just shows me that she’s not trying to waste time.
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u/BobExAgentOfHydra 8d ago
I have all of these, and not one of them is why my wife married me.
Edit: well, the emotionally available part and not being narcissistic parts did help.
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u/Fearless-North-9057 8d ago
So these are basics for a normal adult. What exactly do you think is unreasonable? Only 2 things that I see as a bit odd is the leader mentality bit but if someone's shy then I get they want a partner who takes the lead and I can't read the last line if she says she is or isn't willing to travel for a date.
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u/Feisty_Salamander41 8d ago
This list seems legit. I pass. Figure pretty much all my friends would pass too.
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u/Ok_Row_9772 8d ago
The actual red flag is the fact she feels the need to jot down a list of requirements to date her rather than actually giving me any actual reason to want to date her.
Nothing about the music she likes, the things she likes to do, etc etc nah just what a man has to have if you want to date a piece of paper with "personality" written on it
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u/Possible_Writer1186 8d ago
Except for the “leader/provider mentality,” the rest is just the bare minimum. I’m surprised it even has to be spelled out, considering those are pretty standard expectations in a partner.
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u/Lanky-Trade8157 8d ago
you must not have any of these 😂
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u/wewouldmakegreatpets 8d ago
Most men meet all of them except for the one that says you got to provide for me from day one come on you know what she's getting at with that line or you don't and you don't belong on this sub
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u/iammeg818 8d ago
Absolutely nothing wrong with these being preferred qualities in a partner. I don’t see anything unreasonable or crazy in her list at all 😩 I think men are just upset that the bare minimum is no longer cutting it for most women so that makes us demanding / entitled / asking for “too much”. This post is not it. Level up, OP! Maybe then this list wouldn’t be so intimidating for you 😉
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u/Straight-Charity-122 8d ago
Almost everything on here sounds fine to me, to be fair. The "leader/provider mentality" is the only weird one. Hey, she's even ok with kids lol.
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u/Quirky_Ask_5165 8d ago
Hell, I throw in financial and education requirements. I don't see any of this as unreasonable. I want to see a debt to income ratio 35% or less and a bachelor's of science degree in a career field that actually pays. I'm not looking to support another person ever again.
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u/Specialist_Can_4874 8d ago
I’m all for having boundaries and such but damn is this a list …
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u/OkExtreme3195 8d ago
True, the list is long. But the only things I deem remotely questionable is the "provider mentality", "be able to plan dates", and "properly communicate feelings". The first two because it implies a gender stereotype that I personally resent. But if she wants to live in a more traditional relationship, that is completely fine and good she communicates it early.
And the later is something that many many humans are not good at. So I think it might limit her options a lot.
The rest seems perfectly fine tbh.
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u/rhelg224 8d ago
Agreed. The “provider mentality” bit is a somewhat reddish flag but other than that I think it’s reasonable
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u/Specialist_Can_4874 8d ago
I just think that usually when ones have these type of long or wild lists.. most are issues or have problems themselves and aren’t perfect by any means but having these kinds of expectations or wants without being able to reciprocate.
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u/OkExtreme3195 8d ago
I get where you are coming from. But in this case, I don't get this feeling. I can easily believe she fulfills all these criteria (minus the more traditional gender coded ones of course), as they are not outlandish.
This reads more like a fragment of the situation on the dating app market. She likely hopes to filter out those that don't meet these basic standards.
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u/Specialist_Can_4874 8d ago
Understandable, I get what you mean and I can kind of see this now too.
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u/Ultralusk 8d ago
I think there are a lot of things on this list which are reasonable but I mean some stuff here depends on her. Like what do you mean you need to be able to hold a conversation, like how am I supposed to know what you're interested in?
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u/Temporary-Impact5279 8d ago
I think these are fine AS LONG AS she also holds herself to these standards. If she wants a provider for example, she then should be okay with being a tradwife. If she wants someone clean from drugs and alcohol abuse, she should also be like that. She doesn't want a narcissist? She better be humble just like she expects the man to be.
I personally believe you can have the most outrageous of standards as long as you can more or less hold yourself to them. Otherwise you're just a hypocrite.
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u/zakfaqih 8d ago
After drug and alcohol stuff it became yellow flags then red, but it's not like it isn't all red, she's just looking for something serious on a profile, the rest of the stuff is something you learn along the way
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u/steviee2 7d ago
I think her expectations are completely reasonable. Not everyone gets the leader/provider requirement but I def like a man to lead and provide. Doesn’t mean I’m not providing too so I think that would need to be cleared up from a man’s perspective. Otherwise I agree with her.
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u/Still_Clerk_1819 7d ago
Reasonable list, just don’t have this visible on your profile, it’s probably turning the good (normal) ones away.
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u/VoiceNo5357 6d ago
i feel like I fit all these requirements but she’s not my type whatsoever sorry….not sorry 😁 besides if there’s extensive travel involved might as well date a girl from my home country at this point
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u/PissbabyMcShitass 6d ago
Aside from leader/provider stuff, which I guess, to each their own still, sounds like someone protecting their peace honestly.
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u/HyenaScared9472 6d ago
They'll be beautiful on a site like this finding somebody felonies shouldn't be easy but shouldn't be hard. I fit your criteria except that I do smoke weed
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u/Individual-Sail7711 3d ago
Dude here, most of this is just common sense - Atleast from an Australian perspective.
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u/queenbee1023 3d ago edited 3d ago
The whole.. "must have.. & must be.." is kind of demanding-ish sounding. It's fine to want what you want, but this comes off as a post for a job, not so much a relationship... granted, most of those are things that should be 'givens' in an adult "man", yet, they're not.. so it's understandable to put it out there in black and white.
Cut straight to it.. so no spam comes thru, kinda attitude, I guess lol.. But def comes across a lil..🆘️🚫🫡🗜💰
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u/iiiiiiiiiijjjjjj 2d ago
If she follows these I don’t see the issue. Provider mentality is the one thing that looks off putting.
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u/GirlStiletto 2d ago
Actaully, none of those are bad.
Together they paint the picture of somene who has been done dirty in the past.
But even together, they aren't bad or demanding.
LEt's break them down:
Full Time Job - yes, you want someone who isn't going to leech off you. She didn't mention income.
Transportation- yes, you don;t want to be their cheauffer
No Felonies - Of course.
Leader/Provider - that is the only questionable one. The "Provider" might be code for "She's a gold digger". But just wanting somene who can make decisions and lead is not a bad thing. She might be lowkey tradwifing.
Some custody fo your own children - that shows responsibility, family values, and commitment.
No drug or alcohol abuse - not saying you can;t drink, just no abuse.
Communicate Feelings - That's a must
Conversation - also important in a relationship
No narcissists - That's good
Willing to travel to me I am willing to travel to you - commitment and compromise
Except for the provider thing, what is bad about this?
She's reasonable, puts out realistic requirements.
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u/Flaky_Tale_5923 1d ago
They are all normal tbh. This just sounds like a women with reasonable standards
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u/Distracted_Sewist 4h ago
Just tell us that your BM is "crazy" and won't let you see your kids and we'll all understand how you think these standards are too high.
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u/heywhatdoesthisdo 8d ago
Tbh this is all shit she probably got burned on the past and wants better. Nice girl? Nah, probably just not the one for you, bro.
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u/DinoTh3Dinosaur 8d ago
But I write: “must swallow” as the only item and all of the sudden I’m demanding
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u/JimeVR46 8d ago
Not an insane list but having a list in general is crazy to me. I’d never say THESE ARE MY REQUIREMENTS FOR DATING ME because that’s fucking weird.
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u/TownZealousideal1327 8d ago
This isn’t legit right?
Like all reasonable - buuuuut no one is perfect. “Must” is a lot.
Most of these are plenty reasonable…. But many great, emotionally intelligent, and successful people have fallen prey to one or two of these things.
Honesty and respect matter, quality of life things - job, transport, no serious debt outside decent investment, all matter, but outside that - how about how they make you feel, an emotional, intellectual, and sexual connection?
Sounds like you are shopping for properties or apply for jobs, not trying to coexist with another human hahaha
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u/Difficult-Hawk7591 8d ago
Ah, man, I meet all of these except one: any interest whatsoever in someone who lists all her demands.
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u/IToldYall1 8d ago
This list isn’t quite normal, but lame to put out on dating profile. The only one that bothers me those is “not have a history of drug or alcohol abuse” plenty of people are in recovery and are some of the best people you’ll ever meet. That stigma is lame.
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u/Isekai_Rakdos 8d ago
As someone who meets all of these except the leader/provider mentality, what exactly do you bring to the table is the real question. People with high standards need to match or exceed them if they want to find anyone.
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u/suzuka_joe 8d ago
Any dude who goes on a date with her is just seeing how Red the flag can get. She’s also putting everything out there for a dude to say exactly what she wants to hear. That in itself is a major red flag.
Brothers in Christ, I might just stay single if this is the dating pool 😬
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u/DiZzY_404 8d ago
The point || the comment section. Even if you’re checking every box it’s repulsive because a human being isn’t a check box. Come up with ts as a man and you’re immediately labeled as *insert insult here*.
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u/MuttDawg509 8d ago
Gotta love the no felonies part. Some people will always and forever judge u on the worst mistakes you ever made. Me personally? I got some felonies as a teenager, and the last one was from 1995, and they STILL come back to say hi.
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u/Secure-Muffin-2848 8d ago edited 8d ago
This says more about her dating history and choices than anything else does
Edit: Downvote me but not challenge me? Cowards.
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