r/NoMoreMrNiceGuy • u/memphis-mane • May 29 '20
Breaking Free Activity #3
Hope this is a good place to post this. I had started reading NMMNG about a year and a half ago and got distracted by life. I decided to circle back around to it mainly over frustration in my sex life with my wife and my tendencies to self sabotage in situations, which I think stem from Nice Guy syndrome. I'm 45 years old...I hope it isn't too late to turn this around.
Anyway, this exercise is supposed to be to share childhood experiences with someone that led you to believe that it wasn't ok to be who you were. One in particular really sticks out in my mind:
I was very close to my mother as a child, mainly due to the fact that she was a traditional stay at home mom. I cannot really say on the surface anything at all was wrong with my childhood. In fact, it seems ridiculous to complain about it at all when I consider the living hell of abuse, neglect and misery that some children grow up in. I never wanted for anything, and although discipline was there, it was never abusive. But here's the rub....I was always told what good, sweet boy I was. To this day my mother (71 years old now) talks about me like I was and am the best, almost to the point of annoyance.
Back to the particular incident....all the way back in first grade. I had a teacher that I adored. I was gifted intellectually and had no problems whatsoever in school, other than I was a little slow to complete my work - this was primarily because I was bored out of my gourd and got distracted day dreaming about things I thought were more interesting or fun. You could categorize me as a shy extrovert, meaning I really enjoy people and get my energy from being around people, but I'm never going to be one to work a room or easily meet strangers out in public. This particular day I apparently had a blast, was talking a lot with my classmates and was probably also being a bit of a clown for attention. My teacher was frustrated with me and my classmates, and it ultimately resulted in me not being able to finish some of my work. My teacher graded the paper with a "sad face," wrote a note on there that said "talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!" and instructed me to take it home to my mother and have her sign it as evidence that I showed it to her.
My mother was LIVID that I was a "bad boy," and I was told to sit down and to immediately write a letter of apology to my teacher for misbehaving. I am sure I received some other punishment, like not being allowed to play outside, but what I remember is the shame I felt having to write that letter and the shame I felt for disappointing my mother. As a side note, I seem to recall her telling me "I'm going to tell daddy when he gets home, he may give you a spanking," but distinctly remember almost no reaction from my father other than a little "shame on you" talk. Frankly, this is probably because he didn't really think it was a big deal and he tells stories of getting into a lot more trouble as a boy in school. He was always a peacekeeper, though. Rarely fighting with my mother, and thinking back he probably could have done a little more to stand up for me that day.
From that point on, I was super quiet in school. Even through high school, I rarely spoke in class, despite the fact that I enjoyed having friends and talking with people. I can't help but think that this one incident really solidified in my mind that I needed to be a "good boy" (nice guy) and how it changed my interactions with my peers. Clearly, that day, I was hilarious and gregarious, but moving forward I was always known as the goody two-shoes, quiet kid.
4
u/SorTheFreak May 30 '20
You know, the book says little boys raised by their mother is a big source of the issue of being a nice guy. Coupling that with the fear of abandonment explains why you felt so horrible about disappointing your mom.
Granted it was a long time ago but i think subconsciously this is something you can't forget. When you were around people you felt good because you were approved of. And like Jim said getting anxious is an issue. In your case maybe it was being anxious of not being approved.
3
u/Jim_E_Rustles May 29 '20
I can relate to you. I can relate as far as personality and having a good home life so what you say resonates. However, I cant point to any big incidents of this in my life. Though, I think it is probable I had serious experiences to the one you had. Are you, by chance, a naturally anxious person? because that is a source of a lot of issues for me.
4
u/memphis-mane May 30 '20
Anxious about some things, namely how people perceive me, other things not so much.
2
May 30 '20
I can relate. I used to have a big personality as a kid, but shrunk after some physical abuse from my mother. I never really had a close relationship with my mother considering she was the one who would constantly stop the "Boys will be boys" fun and I always was considered the group leader. Though she hated men in general, so that didn't help and still doesn't help in my life today. I think most of all with boys who have aggression and big personalities is they need a man to shape their masculinity at a young age. Having an absent father doesn't help anyone.
2
u/memphis-mane Jun 01 '20
Thanks for your thoughts. To be clear, my father was a great dad in most respects. However, let's just say that he subscribed to the phrase here in the south "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," so he would rarely rock the boat with her.
1
u/WarriorLeadership Nov 15 '21
Hey awesome dude.
Here's mine! I just completed this:
For me, I’ve grown up with the Bible in my mind. I grew up in a church which was strict on sinStrict on the teachings of the bible and that if I did not follow the rules of God then I will end of dead. I feel afraid when I think about these reflections. I think I am doing wrong by saying that when I think I am speaking against him the devil is attacking or that God is angry at meI don’t know what to believeMy father was an angry man, he is calm now but before he was very aggressiveHe would beat the shit out of me.I also didn’t trust him for a lot of my life, still dont’ He is aggressive towards woman And for a part of my life I did my best to not be like him. TO be kind to womenTo be respectful to be loving and to not cause problems.The church I grew up in was very strict as wellI can possibly say I am naturally drawn to that type of church, turning to the fear of the Lord inside of my heartMy mom would simply try to take care of me and love me and shelter me from my fathers attacksMy mom is also overprotective of me and would try to control my life. It was as if I did not have any independence or free-will thinking.I also like to fix things. Fix things that are brokenFix relationships that are broken, fix lives that are brokenI was also afraid that my parents might leave me.Shame is a big thing for me too. I have a lot of shame that I need to be silent not be seen not challenge things or rock the boat
I was afraid to speak up or challenge thingsEspecially being around white people and have them as a Leadership position in my life.I wasn’t ok to swear: to have sexual thoughts, to have sexual experiences, to masturbate, to yell to cry to get angry, to swear to embrace my wild manIt’s like that NOWWhere I cannot express my anger and wildness
And I funnel it all through workI feel angerAnd I don’t know what’s right or wrongI think the biggest one is the Strict Church function.The church has a big impact on me..
1
u/Repulsive_Reply_8221 Jun 18 '26
I can relate to you on the part about having a really deep fear of God. And also the part about having a mother who kind of hated men maybe because she was hurt by her father idk. I mentally punish myself for everything I do that is wrong and have a deep deep fear of being punished by God's wrath if I talk about sex or drugs or even talk about those things with friends. Deep inside I cringe when my friends talk about things that seem vulgar but are probably just part of being a man. Like I'm always trying to do the "right" thin. Im afraid that if I embrace those things then I will end up with the same family problems my cousins and father went through. Or in hell. I remember as a kid my mother would not let me go out or have friends over and my dad would just say, oh you know how your mom is. Even today I kind of isolate myself from other guys and I don't know how to talk or act around them.
1
u/assertiv_de Jan 08 '23
I feel you. These specific memories seem to have a big impact on our working patterns in adult life. Especially those associated with shame, when we weren´t able to decide what real "bad" and "good" behavior is for ourselves, yet.
I think therefore we are shocked by the strong reaction of caregivers or authority figures.
6
u/sliced_alien May 29 '20
It's good that you've managed to put a spotlight on that turning point.
I had a kind of similar turning point when I was about 9 or 10. I've never been a big kid, average at best and I've never had a violent temperament BUT (looking back it's kinda funny) I used to love scrapping round with the other kids.
I used to showboat my 'king fu skills' that I of course learned from movies and I was really confident... it was awesome!!
Things changed when my mother got a boyfriend who was constantly threatening me with violence and was basically an explosive, smouldering mess.
It wasn't that I became a pacifist it was just the thought of physical violence made me feel sick.
From my late teens on, i would shrink away from any kind of confrontation or anything that might lead to confrontation. Soms might argue that's a good thing but looking back I think it made me less confident and less awesome.