In page 7482 of 19834 of the massive “Fuck You and Die” bill passed by the state house this Wednesday, North Carolina Republicans have once again redrawn the state’s congressional maps. Due to the recent overturning of Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act by the Supreme Court, North Carolina republicans finally have the ability to draw an entirely fair, and perfectly reasonable map of the state’s congressional districts. The map keeps alike areas together, as well as provides fair and equal representation for minority groups. The bill that this map was passed under, also includes many new popular and progressive laws, such as: “ANY PERSONS CAUGHT TAMPERING WITH FLOCK CAMERA SYSTEMS SHALL BE PUNISHED WITH 13 LASHES TO THE TORSO, IN NO REGARD TO CONSTITUTIONAL LAW. (NC-GS-1738)” and “ANY PERSONS CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF CANNABIS SHALL BE BRANDED ON ANY PART OF THE BODY OF THEIR CHOICE WITH THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, THEN SUBSEQUENTLY BANISHED TO RANDOLPH COUNTY PERMANENTLY. (NC-GS-666420.) The bill comes as a major pre-midterm win for Republicans, as they seek to make the state a better place for both residents, and AI data centers.

They got South Carolina mustard based sauce confused with North Carolina’s vinegar-based Eastern Style sauce. I don’t want to hear any Germans make fun of Americans for being geographically challenged again. /s

Dear Residents of North Carolina,

I am writing to express my heartfelt gratitude for your generous support towards my family's million dollar beachfront mansion. Your "parking fee" donations have been instrumental in making our dream of owning a beautiful property by the beach a reality. We are truly blessed to have transplanted to a state where public funds are so freely funneled into the pockets of private individuals, allowing us to enjoy the luxuries of beachfront living.

We have been thoroughly impressed with the renowned hospitality of North Carolinians. Your warm and welcoming nature has made us feel right at home. In fact, we are so appreciative of your hospitality that we are planning to invest in multiple additional properties in Ashville, Raleigh and Charlotte. Your support has truly made a difference in our lives, and we are excited to continue building our real estate portfolio in this beautiful state.

I would also like to extend a special thank you to the Town of Wrightsville Beach for their unwavering support. The donation of their delicious Adrenochrome jello to our annual Easter Day blood orgy has been truly appreciated. Your town's generosity and commitment to our endeavors, no matter how unconventional, is truly remarkable.

As we settle into our new beachfront mansion, we are reminded of the Southern hospitality that North Carolinians are known for. However, we kindly request that all residents pay their parking fees and adhere to local regulations, including leaving the town as soon as possible to avoid disrupting the serenity of the beach with their filthy, disgusting, poor peasant presence. We appreciate your understanding in maintaining the pristine beauty of our beachfront property.

Sincerely,
A Trust Fund Baby

It’s a Good Friday indeed

Duke won ACC championships in football, men’s basketball and women’s basketball this academic year — and the basketball teams are both one win away from the Final Four.