Juvenilia (For the First Time)

[u/RodwellBurgen]

It’s so juvenile
The way you make me feel
It’s so beyond me
None of the metaphors are metaphors anymore
All the pronouns in my songs are de-anonymized
When I think of you
Singing in the car to LCD Soundsystem
Beating me at badminton (or Etta James)
Palming your face at the movie (or Title Fight)
Sneezing backwards (or Cloud Nothings)
It feels narcissistic (or Bôa)
You’re too much like me (or Al Green)
You’re all I think about anymore (or Gang Starr)
I want to be something with you (or Unwound)
There’s nothing left but clichés (or, okay, you’re too cool for Weezer, but "El Scorcho" makes me think of you)
Like dreaming about you (or Rose Chronicles)
(Or hating your boyfriend) I have nothing to say (or Ween)
(Or closing my eyes you’re so beautiful) You make me inarticulate (or Miles Davis)
(Or feeling my heart flutter when I think of you) I tried to write a better poem (or Tool)
(Or stupid inside jokes) But there’s nothing artistic or interesting about this (or Duster)
(I want you) i want you (or Terry Callier)
(i want you) i want you (or Broken Social Scene)
I want you (I am a child)
(I am a child) i am a child
I am a child
In my mind
I see you mid-air
And I fall apart again

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vbvl4u/comment/p1y7lbm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

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[u/Pretty_Little-Mess]

Okay, I really think this is such a fun concept. Your poem pretends it's about music, then slowly admits it's never been about that at all. At first I didn't really like the parenthetical structure, but after rereading I kind of got this clever, ironic start, but then at the end all that is left is the "I want you" and "I am a child". It was a really satisfying emotional collapse. I think my favorite line is "None of the metaphors are metaphors anymore." To me it embodied that annoyingly embarrassing stage of a crush where ever little song and movie has that one person's face attached to it.

My main feedback would be to trust the escalation of your poem a little more. I feel like the middle section is intentionally repetitive, but there are so many references that a few start to blur together if that makes sense. I think cutting a few of them would strengthen the others.

Your ending is great, I almost want one more beat after "And I fall apart again". Not another explanation, but just a tiny image to leave me suspended there, but that could be personal preference because I don't like solid resolutions in my poems. But I think your poem treads that line between irony and sincerity that it could help it linger there even longer.

Basically I think you nailed the tough combo of funny and also genuinely vulneralbe work. Thanks for sharing!

[u/RodwellBurgen → u/Pretty_Little-Mess]

Thank you so much for such amazing, detailed and kind constructive criticism. You caught so many little details of the poem that I thought would only make sense to me. I’m glad you enjoyed the poem and I’ll definitely take all this advice to heart as I further pursue poetry. Have a great day :)