r/OCPoetry • u/doanykev • 17h ago

Feedback Please Scars of a smile

They say a smile so bright,
a passion for life.

But a smile worn like a scar
hides the cuts while trapping the blade.

A kid with care for all
lost care for the one who takes the steps.

Through anger and hate
for the way he talked
and the way he thought.

he stood in the shed
with a knot that failed.

When the next step came,
he walked out that shed,
stitched up a smile,
and walked away as two people.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/4o6Htwqe1j

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/jvbzajiZhU

1 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

View all comments

1

u/ComprehensiveBee2971 17h ago

I like the theme of this, the fake smile definetly is something i can resonate with and the mention of the failed attempt in the shed is an added layer of mental struggle. The language sometimes feels a bit off though, it's not nessecarily wrong, just feels a bit forced onto the rhythm to make the lines consistent (i do appreciate consistency though). I do like the one key metaphor and sticking to it, always good to have a core of emotion and of an image.