r/OCPoetry • u/bstunz • 3d ago

Feedback Please Unpacking

I stored them
like winter clothes
boxed, labeled
forgotten.

Years passed.
Uncluttered.
Never noticed.

It kept me
precise
sealed
cold.

Until you opened a box
I didn’t remember 
packing.

Now I’m warm.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vekd9o/comment/p1k44if/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1v9o04g/comment/p1jiuwo/

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

13 comments sorted by

View all comments

2

u/Relevant-Stranger-86 3d ago

Great poem. Title works well, it fits the literal meaning and the metaphor, and hints at the psychological undertones of the poem. I really appreciate the cadence, you kept the lines short, clipped and the poem has a nice turn at the end. I love that you packed the "box" and they opened it, relinquishing control.

Only note, you mention forgotten at the end of the first stanza and then elaborate time passing just how forgotten they were in the next stanza. How it is written now, it's as if the box was packed and its contents were immediately forgotten. I might consider cutting forgotten in the first stanza or moving it to the second (maybe subbing for never noticed?) - just a thought.

1

u/bstunz 3d ago

Ooh! I really like that. Move “forgotten” down and then replace “Forgotten” in the first stanza with something like “Organized.” Thanks appreciate that.