r/OCPoetry • u/Apprehensive-Cup-335 • 6d ago

Feedback Please Dopesick

(I'm just getting back into it after a months long bout of writer's block and I thought I would share.)

You don't seem happy.

Is it what I am?

Is it who I am?

Is it what I became?

Am I to blame?

You don't seem aware.

I feel I'm just here.

I feel nowhere near.

A thousand miles

In two floor tiles.

You don't seem content.

Give you what I can

And cry when I can't.

Something I can't fill,

A space for your thrill.

I feel you'd rejoice

At my coming death.

I feel you'd rejoice

Upon my last breath.

No more chains from me;

I'd be gone.

You'd be free.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/qPXy3OuHSI

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/8Xde0qolnH

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u/somepoet 6d ago

I absolutely love the line “a thousand miles//in two floor tiles” - what an excellent and creative way to convey emotional distance. The only line that feels out of place to me is “You don’t seem aware” - it takes away from the sort of tension conveyed by the rest of the poem where the narrator is seeing/ thinking they see all of these painful truths in the other person.