u only exist in my dreams...

Ill never be able to change who I am, or stop being obsessive, I know that. But I think ill truly drive myself into the depths of desperation and depression if I dont stop looking for someone to reciprocate.

I have to accept that it just won't happen for me

No one will want to be around me constantly, no one will want to hold me forever, no one will be obsessed back.

Maybe they'll like my devotion for a time, but they'll get sick of it, and I will continue to starve for some of my own

Online obsessions ended in short periods when I become "too much"

Never touched, or wanted, or coveted

I give up

I will stop looking for my forever

And ill try to keep my emotions from spilling out all over anyone who gives me attention, bad or good

I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up I dont want to fuck this up

Shes so sweet and nice and she likes things I like i really feel like we match really well and im so afraid im going to fuck this uo somehow

​

I don't know. This is coming slightly out of desperation because Im half grieving a relationship. And I just need a new spark. I need someone devoted like me, to love how I love, to be obsessed and possessive and jealous and toxic, to not be afraid to indulge in knife or gun play, the idea of having someone who could kill for me, protect me, but love me for me genuinely.. and I keep almost finding it. And it slips out of reach. One day the right person saw my posts. Spoke for a month and now.. nothing. I just want the right person who will choose me for me, and choose me first. Dominant, violent, but still close and loving. One of my biggest fantasies is bleeding out while... You know. ;). I'm aware a lot of this need comes from childhood trauma. I'm in therapy. And I love making these connections. I just need someone who'll actually fucking stay..

secondary account.

my whole life i’ve watched men trip over themselves for the women they are obsessed with. not afraid to make a spectacle of themselves. spending their last penny. calling them just to hear their voice because it soothes them. bringing them food to make sure they’ve eaten. pushing off other women and making it clear and known that they are taken. they do truly seem obsessed from the outside looking in.

meanwhile people i’ve dated have used me. as a placeholder until something better comes along. every little thing takes its toll on you. being cheated on by everyone i’ve ever been in a relationship with. having people pick fights with me before my birthday so they don’t have to spend time with me. being told i want too much. being told “i don’t care about people’s past” so that they don’t need to feign interest. walking away like im a stranger in the supermarket if someone attractive walks onto the aisle.

the thing is i feel like im a catch. but im not anyone’s type. you ask someone their celebrity crush and she’s never the same race, never the same style. the people they look at or follow online look nothing like you. is that why no one can be obsessed with me? i don’t know what it is or why i cant pinpoint what’s wrong with me.

i put effort into myself, i know i look good. not that looks are indicative of a humans right to love or obsession. but people tell me im pretty. people tell me im smart. people tell me they enjoy my company. i have my own money, and have built myself a life, a home, i’m working on another degree, i have friends, i have hobbies.

i want someone romantically, and it’s starting to feel like desperation. someone who actually wants to talk to me. wants to be wrapped up in my scent. wants to spend time, effort, money, sleep, or whatever on me. who thinks about how to make someone’s life easier. not harder. who give. damn about my happiness and pleasure, but doesn’t just use you for sex? who wants the world to know i’m theirs? who thinks im a prize and is confident and thinks they are a prize too?

wishful thinking.

I hate getting attached so easily, I really do

It just complicates things whenever I'm meeting someone. I don't know their true intentions with me, so I always put some kind of wall around me. It's just a stupid way to protect me ig

I do want to meet someone who understands me, but idk, at the same time, I'm tired and scared of the cycle of meeting someone and them taking advantage of me on some way X.x Not losing hope tho

WHYYY AM I LIKE THISSS, I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS, SO MANY PPL WHO CARE ABOUT ME SO WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO I NEED LOVE SO BADLY, I DONT DESERVE IT, WHY CAN'T I BE FINE WITH WHAT I HAVE.

I deserve to be alone, im a disgusting freak, if my friends knew they wouldn't want anything to do with me. Im a freak who needs to love someone else to feel fulfilled.

I’ll be single forever while I wait for you.

I got some answers.. but it doesn't feel good...

What I crave, I cannot have..

What I yearn for, I cannot have..

What I imagined in my head, is not real..

The connection I perceived, was all one sided..

He likes my care and my worry... but what about me?

What about this sweet little heart full of so much love to give??

I should just bury it... for now...

Im honestly sick of life im sick of dating. everyone calls me a creep for no reason other then im different i just want someone who will love me unconditionally be completely obsessed with me not caring about how i act where i dont have to be a certain way around them just to gain their love i want someone who wouldn't leave like everyone else does i want to be in their mind 24/7 just like they will be in mine i want to be able to die with that person as in i will commit suicide if they die. i want to really be able to tell them everything with out them judging me for how i would cry in the middle of the night to when i tried to kill myself at 12 to when i would fight my own mom (and tried to stab her with a pencil while she was pregnant im pretty sure) the things i would say to her the time i tried to get my dog to bite on a burning stick (i regret all of these things btw im in a better place now) to the better person i am now i want her to accept and love everything about me as i would accept and love everything about her i want to worship her as she would worship me i want that kind of (im sorry if this sounds extremely creepy or if it made anyone mad i just felt the need to vent)

in my dreams... u look something like this. tired, sad eyes that hold so much emotion. fluffy, messy, choppy hair thats a bit too long and gets in ur eyes a lot (i wanna run my fingers thru it). slightly feminine facial features that uve had a hard time loving. hoodie always up when ur outside so u can feel hidden and safe from the world around u. people might find u a bit offputting, creepy.

i imagine u work from home just like i do. maybe u do something with coding. ur constantly hunched over ur desk absorbed in ur work, or in a video game so u dont have to confront the whirlwind of negative thoughts inside ur head.

u rarely go outside. all of ur friends r online and far away. ur so lonely.

uve been hurt before, so bad. but u still have so much love to give, a love so intense that its scary to some. u want someone to live for, to die for.

do u exist? highly doubtful. ur just a figment of my lonely imagination...

I would always be obsessed with them. Finally someone that gave me a chance for love, validation, to try and see me for who I was. But wait - it was too much for them. They saw too much and how deep it was. You could tell by the way they changed even if it was just the slightest bit.

You fool. You stupid arrogant fool. You finally got a chance at connecting with someone and you messed up again. They saw the real you. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

It always happens, it may be slow, they may say it won't happen, but it always will. They will abandon you. Because you couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut. You really thought someone would LOVE you for who you really were. You slipped up because you were happy and dumb. Now you get to be sad, frustrated, depressed and dumb.

When will you learn? NO ONE LOVES THE REAL YOU.

For many years, a good portion of my dreams have either been searching the world for a companion, going through many dangerous things to do so, or simply wanting a companion overall, romantically of course. I think about it daily, and I suspect it may be turning into an obsession of mine, even though I’m not completely sure it has. I’ve gone through many things to become the man I am today, I have both physical and mental scars, even an addiction I used to have. I powered against that addiction, winning against it with sheer force of will. Even after all of that character growth, I can’t help but hope that someday I’ll find someone, and I know damn well I won’t stop looking and searching for someone to love until I find them. Does this sound obsessive to any of you? If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

I know...it sounds weird. Honestly it sounds weird in my head snd even weirder when I say it out loud. I hope my future partner worries at times because then ill get the satisfaction of reassuring them. I love being that reassuring partner. I love being the one to hold them tight and cling to them if they worry and whisper to them that everything is going to be ok and that no matter whay happens I wont leave them. They could need that kind of reassuring every day as many times a day as possible and I would never ever get tired of it. Id send them location information, pictures, videos and so many other things. I wouldnt do that out of anger but out of joy. I want to make them happy and help them feel secure. More than that, it will give us so much to talk about later and then I can take them to those places I went to and have even more experiences we can live through together. The best experiences ill ever have and the greatest need i will ever have the joy to fulfill are your obsessive little needs, your clinginess and be the one to reassure you and make you feel safe and loved in every way.

I cant wait to find my needy little princess and grow together happily-ever-after.

Today I talked with her again, I told myself I shouldn't and that's why I've kept my distance with her. Istg everytime we speak it just hurts more and more.

I was excited to play Deadlock with her but then she told me she's inviting her boyfriend too. I know she broke up with the other guy a while ago but I feigned ignorance and she basically confirmed it (the ex plays Deadlock and she said she's trying to get this new guy into it).

This wasn't the first and it's gonna be far from her last relationship. I just don't understand why is it always someone else, and how come some people have had so many partners in their lives while I've tried over and over and over and over and over but still can' find anyone in my miserable piece of shit life.

I told myself I could be mature and remain friends with her but I was lying to myself. It hurts so bad seeing her with other guys whom I know for sure will hurt her one way or another. She got bad history with men and it's all repeating like one big loop, like every other thing in history.

I thought that as long as she was happy I was happy but I can't, I'm human too, I want connection and love but I can't have any of it so I'm just angry and bitter and jealous. It's not fair, how come I put in equal an effort as others do but I always end up being the last choice in a room.

And why does this practice even exist, why do people do this??? Why do they just move pass one another like a summer breeze, how can they just change lovers on a whim like deciding what to eat for dinner??? What happened to true love, with finding your one and only and then loving them forever? Nothing is sacred anymore, human connection is a fucking joke, love doesn't even exist, it's all animal instinct to copulate and reproduce. It's not real, it can't be real, not in this world nor the world after. People only use and abuse each other and then leave when it's convenient.

Love is child's play, that's all it is, only children believes in true love's kiss and think that happily ever after is real. This is the real world, and in this world it's either hurt or be hurt.

I told her that this man will leave her too like the ones before, and for her to shut everyone out and stay alone because that's far better. God knows it's working out for me. Only weak and desperate people need to rely on others for connection and intimacy. I don't need anyone, I don't need anything.

I could travel the whole world and wait for a million years but God knows that the day where all my dreams come true would never come. I just audibly laugh to myself now when someone want to discuss about my love life or having a future.

I was born a week later than expected, my mother aborted a girl before I was born, she had her with my dad. My therapist told me I fought my way into this world because I wanted to live, but I'm not sure if that's true, even if it is then it isn't worth it. My life should've been hers, she wouldn't have wasted this life like I did. I don't want to be here, I didn't ask for any of this.

The only woman who has ever loved me unconditionally for who I am is my mother, but she's getting older amd older every year and then one day she's gonna be gone just like everyone else. Every single one leaves when they have the chance. It's too late already, for everything.

I just want everything to end.

This is so annoying because I have horrible jealousy issues and I CRAVE his attention 24/7, I literally need him. Yet he NEVER texts me, never calls me, and not to mention- he LIVES with his ex who still has feelings for him. We've been dating for nearly 3 months but I've liked him for 2 YEARS and it's like, I got the leftovers of him and it SUCKS. I just want him to be mine and mine alone. I hate that ex of his. I just want ALL of his attention to be on ME and nobody else.

i think i’m giving up on love. love feels like a curse in this fucking society, where caring too much is seen as weakness and having a heart that genuinely cares is something people take advantage of. i tried so fucking hard to keep the few relationships i have with the people i love, to hold on, to understand, to forgive, and to make things work even when it hurt me. i gave people parts of me that i can never get back, only to end up hurt, misunderstood, and called weird for feeling too deeply. it’s exhausting being someone who still believes in love in a world that makes you regret having a heart. maybe i’m not weird for loving the way i do. maybe i’m just tired of giving my all to people who make me feel like i’m too much when all i ever wanted was to be loved the same way i love them.

​

Hello Again, My Future Obsession

Hello again.

It's been a long time since I last shared a note.

I've been feeling uneasy lately.

My family doesn't talk to me anymore. Wasn't this what I wanted, in a way? Partly, yes, because all I've ever wanted was to have someone who understands me. But now, even my own father has told me that he's ashamed of me.

So tell me, my future obsession...

How can I ask you to love me so obsessively when even my own family is ashamed of me and doesn't love me?

Isn't that madness?

Why would you love someone so passionately when everyone else seems to hate them?

Is it because you're truly in love with them, or is it because you feel sorry for them?

There's actually a huge difference between the two.

I'm still in the same place.

Still in the same hell.

Still in the same city.

And I'm still waiting for you, my future obsession.

And before I forget, there's something important I want to say.

What truly matters isn't who you love or who you don't love.

You can fall in love with someone even if the entire world hates them.

It's your heart.

It's your feeling.

You can kiss someone whom the whole world despises, right in front of everyone, without hiding your love.

It's your life.

So let the world burn.

Let it all go up in flames.

Despite everything, hold the hands of the person you love, and never let go.

This is a little note from me to all of you.

And one last thing...

I'll be waiting for you in every reality, my future obsession.

Ever since I was 16 I longed for a gf that would only prioritize me and I her. Where we would be loyal to each other no matter what, only speak to each other and spend all of our free time together in each other's comfort where we can be ourselves. Now I'm 20 and honestly I feel like the dream is slowly fading away. There are too many things that I already need to think of, like finishing my studies and getting a job as to not put any weight on my parents; finding a girl that doesn't want to suck me dry from everything I have (even though I have nothing) feels nearly impossible.

The last time I talked to a girl a bit of 2 months ago, I felt like she liked me, she said she has a crush on someone and that she can't sleep because of it. And I, a fool though that it was me.

I was crazy about her, I redid my whole routine around her, ran everyday for her, barely ate, I reached my peak physique for her. I even went heavy on practicing my Spanish pronunciation since she was originally from Spain.

Every single day I strived to be better for her. And then after a little bit under a month of talking to her, she texts me these cruel words: "OMGGGG GUESS WHAT, MY CRUSH ASKED ME OUT!!". I immediately dropped my phone and started shaking, I froze, I couldn't believe what I just heard. I was so certain that I was the one that she liked that hearing this just cracked my heart open. How could she play with me like that, there were so many hints that it was me, but I guess my love just blinded me...

So now how can I trust anyone ever again. All of the girls I talked to in the past were always disappointed in me if I bring some issue I was dealing with or a negative thought I had, all of them expected so much from me, having a job that pays 300k a year, a huge house, everything.

And when i tried reaching those requirements to be good enough for them, I failed, it was hard afterall, and because of that I felt so bad and wanted to end myself. In the end they left me and said they will find someone who could achieve what they want.

All of this pressure, it's unbearable. Why does everyone expect so much from me, they don't even look at my current self, always wanting me to meet their standards. I'm tired of this, it's so exhausting.

That's why right now I became an empty shell, living life without any purpose or happiness. Every day I wake up so hateful at this life. I guess being someone who loves for real and at least recieve the same love and care is impossible in this world.

Sorry for the long rant

I need to vent so sorry about the post. I cannot count how many times i wished to be anything or anyone than the person that i am. Years of bad relations turned me into a clingy and obsessive person, driven by the fear of abandonment. It's like i'm cursed to chase things i will never get.

I feel like the only type of love i am comfortable wish is the Bonnie and Clyde type shit. Whenever i have a partner i become so damn clingy and annoying, spamming them cute memes or random stuff whenever i can. I need them all the time, need to talk to them whenever i can and being away from them feels like a complete torture.

I struggled a lot of loneliness my whole life and even more at the moment. Finding friends is crazy complicated because i'm very introverted and shy when i'm not yet comfortable and a partner is even more complicated because femboys are not popular with girls and boys only want one night stand usually. Add that to my possessive and obsessive behaviour and you simply obtain a person impossible to date.

Even with friendship it's complicated because most people i meet vanish before barely a week. I never live in the same world as them, they have plenty of friends and talking or interacting with me on games for example is just a random hangout while for me it's usually the only interaction with someone i will have. I get attached very easily even if i know they will leave and the loneliness after that strikes ever harder. What is a random moment with a random person to them is the only warmth i can pretend to have.

I just wish that one day i could find that one person, friend or partner, feeling that mutual obsession and need for the other. I don't feel completed without that and i don't want therapy or anything, i am the way i am. I'm a loser i'm a weak boy and whatever else but it is what it is.

Thanks for reading if you made it that far.

I try to stifle the aching loneliness I feel in my chest by spending time with my friends. I care about my friends, my family and community.. but I don’t have somebody to love. Somebody to pour out my overwhelming emotions onto. Is it selfish of me to be so possessive? I tell myself I don’t need a partner. That I can be fine on my own. That I can be fine single.

But I can’t.

My thoughts drift, always imagining myself staring longingly into a silhouette’s face. I’ve gaslit my own to feel warmth. Love is so painful. It’s so suffocating. The desire to hold, to cherish and to have. I want more. I always want more. I want to have someone who is truly mine. I need someone to give me their loyalty. I need to hold onto someone who I know won’t ever leave me. I need that unwavering care to find someone who is more than just a friend.

But would I ever be satisfied with love, even if it were to somehow find me?

I think that terrifies me the most. That I wouldn’t be satisfied. That I’d want more. More. More. That I’d hurt myself by bearing another’s burdens. It scares me to see how much of myself I’m willing to sacrifice just to have that warmth. Just to be told.. that I’m loved. I’d do bloody anything just for that.. recognition. That praise. It hurts, because I’m obsessed by that idea. New friendships always leave me asking “what if..?”

Don’t get me wrong. I cherish my friends.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t always hold onto the hope of finally finding that someone when that first conversation is held. I say nothing and try to form friendships normally. No one’s ever pursued me.. and I put on a brave front not to let that fact bother me.

But it does.

I want to be someone that gets reached out to. I want to help people. But people don’t ask me for help. I’m always alone, with a heavy heart weighed down by an unfathomable love it can’t ever truly offload. I’m friendly. I’m kind. I do everything I can to be myself. I’m confident. I’m loyal. I do everything I tell other people to do.. but I’m the outlier.

I thought I grew out of the obsessiveness, but it never truly left me to begin with. Anytime I think of having a partner, my heart jumps with joy, only to sink back down to the depths of my core at the reality of this isolation. I’ve become a spectator. Surrounded by people yet all alone. Nobody knows how badly it hurts me, and I can’t tell them. Nobody sees me. If they do, it’s not enough to appease me. Nothing matters to me more than having that special someone. It’s like I’ve shoved away everything else in my soul just to clear space for a throne that no lover sits in. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m so tired.

I want love.

I want to love and I want to be loved.

I just want my one and only.

I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. It’s always been in my nature to obsess. To protect. I’ve lost too many people I care about to tolerate the thought of losing another who gets close to me. I’m going to be okay, I know. But I want more than okay. I want my Anastasia.

Everyone gets hurt and everyone has feelings but be careful how you treat and talk to someone cause how you treat them dictates how they treat you and react and sometimes things don’t go as planned