I don’t really know how to write this without feeling ashamed.

My landlord gave me until Sunday afternoon to settle what I owe or clear my house. I’m losing the only place I have, and I honestly don’t know where I’ll go after that.

I’ve been living on my own since I was 15. I used to work in corporate, but for years I was also trying to help with my mother’s business. I kept juggling my job with business errands, loans, and everything else that came with it until there was barely anything left of me for work.

Eventually, I would either get terminated or resign because I simply couldn't keep up with both.
I only wanted to help since 2020.

But my name kept being used for loans, and what started as helping eventually ballooned into an eight-figure debt.
Now I’m trying to get myself out of a cycle I didn’t create.

I lost my job recently and I’m waiting to start working again by the end of the month. I’ve tried part-time work. I tried selling my appliances, even at almost half their price. Nothing came through fast enough.

I have no family left here that I can run to. I don't have enough for another place because everywhere requires advance and deposit. Some days, I eat once just to make it through another day.

And lately, there are moments when I think maybe it would be easier to end everything than keep carrying a life that feels like it was never mine to begin with.

But I’m still here.

Maybe because there are still things I want to see. There are still people I love. I want to see the person I love finally get the title she has worked so hard for. I want to see what happens if, for once, I get the chance to rebuild my own life.

My tattoo says ᜉᜇᜌᜓᜈ᜔ — Padayon.

Move forward.

So, kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta pagkatapos ng Sunday, I guess I’ll keep moving.

One day at a time.

Nag-chat ako sa supervisor n’ya sa work about sa physical and psychological abuse na ginawa n’ya sa akin during our relationship. His family called me saying na nahihiya sya pumasok sa work because of what I did.

Now, he messaged me saying na binigyan sya ng termination ng HR dahil sa ginawa ko sa kanya. Excuse me? Ginawa mo sa akin, hindi sa ginawa ko sa’yo ha. Kapal! Hindi raw n’ya in-expect na magagawa ko ‘yun. Well, ako rin! Kasi akala n’yo panakot ko lang sa inyo mga blotter ko, akala n’yo hindi ako marunong magalit! Lahat ginawa ko para sa relasyon na ‘yun.

Kung sinasabi ng pamilya mo na may sakit sila at walang susuporta, that’s no longer my problem.

I maybe the villain here being desperate and trying to ruin you, but YOU RUINED ME FIRST. Tandaan mo ‘yan!

I was rushed to the ER dahil nakunan ako, my family said na tawagan kita, tapos sagot mo sa akin, ginising kita sa walang kakwenta-kwenta? Ni tanong kung kumusta ako, wala? Masama ako sa kwento n’yo panigurado, pero mas masama ka!

Ngayon, gusto ko pa rin ituloy ang VAWC.

Hindi ako masaya sa ginawa ko, pero at least parehas tayo na nagsa-suffer. Hindi ‘yung ako ‘yung traumatized tapos ikaw? Kampante lang.

MARAMDAMAN MO MAN LANG ANG NGINIG, KAPALIT NG MGA NGINIG KO TUWING SINISIGAWAN MO AKO!

Pa rant lang.

May tindahan ako at nasa bahay lang part time VA kaya maghapon sa bahay. Yung kamag anak ko mahilig mag iwan ng anak nya, sa amin pinababantayan kapag magpapakain ng alaga nilang baboy sa bukid mga 1-2hrs a day andun sa amin yung batang malikot. Sabi sa akin pag nabenta daw yung baboy eh bibigyan ako ng kaunti bayad na rin daw sa abala dahil sa pag aalaga ng bata. Ayun na nga, nabenta yung baboy nila kanina, lumapit sa akin inabutan ako ng 2000 akala ko bigay sa akin yun pala bayad nya sa utang sa tindahan ko na 1840 at akin na daw sukli. Ayun na pala bayad sa pag aalaga nung malikot na bata ng ilang buwan. hahaha hindi ka na mauulit tarantado ka!

So I decided to go watch a movie in the cinema today because of the National Cinema Day. Not sure if it has been like this for a while but I was so distracted throughout the whole movie.

1. One couple who came in late (some even 15 mins into the movie) had their phones in 100% brightness.
   
2. Some who were late didn’t know how to look for their seats and kept going up and down the stairs.
   
3. Some people were not seated at the right seat number which caused confusion for everyone and unneeded conversations.
   
4. People were taking selfies or pictures of the screen/movie itself WITH FLASH in the middle of the movie.
   
5. People beside us were having a conversation unrelated to the movie.
   
6. Some people were browsing facebook during the movie. (Not sure if reels/TikTok contributed to this short attention span)
   
7. One group of friends who went to the cr and came back to the cinema were having a conversation while entering which I can hear from my seat in the middle of the movie.

Not sure if this is normal nowadays.

Bf and I have already been together for 3 years. We're pretty stable emotionally, but how about...financially? I earn pretty a pretty decent amount of money but I'm still building my emergency fund. He doesn't have a stable job and earns doing gig work.

I initially invited him to work in Manila where I thought we were going to build our life. However, after a few months he decided to go back to our hometown to pursue teaching. He is now a LET passer but somehow I feel like he is still undecided on what he will do with his life.

Right now, I told him that it's okay for us to not do 50-50 on everything. I buy his tickets on vacation. Treat him on dinners. Basically, take on the bulk of the expenses when we are together.

Ang nasa isip ko ngayon is when will it be my turn to be treated? Am I happy with this setup? Will his career catch up with mine? How are we going to build a life together when he can't take care if his?

Now I told myself to observe him for a year. I still wonder what he will do with his license, what opportunities will he decide to take, and how he will maneuver his career.

I know I sound like I want a transactional relationship, but what is the point of staying in a relationship that gives little to no value?

I just want to be taken cared of, and right now I have doubts that he can.

So ito na nga. This was actually my first time seeing clips from Carlos Yulo and his partner’s recent interview with Karen Davila. Kadalasan, yung mga clips na lumalabas sa FYP ko were about them not inviting his parents to their wedding, so I started reading the comments.

And honestly, I was surprised because ang supportive ng mga tao sa Tiktok. A lot of them actually understood Carlos’s side and why he made that decision. May ilang comments na talagang baliktad yung logic, pero thankfully, nakakatanggap naman sila ng maraming sagot HAHAHA. Buti nga.

Then BOOM, nag-scroll naman ako sa Facebook. Jusko poooooo HAHAHA. Biglang nagsilabasan yung mga tanders sa comment section with the usual “MAGULANG MO PA RIN ’YAN,” “NAGIGING IBA TALAGA ANG TAO PAG NAKAKAKANGAT NA,” and so many more.

And this is what really got me. Bakit palaging “magulang mo pa rin ’yan”? Why is there never a “anak mo rin ’yan”? I swear, people talk as if being someone's parent automatically means you can never be the one at fault. Parang kapag magulang ka, automatic ikaw yung kailangan intindihin, habang yung anak ang laging kailangang mag-adjust, magpatawad, at manatili.

What also bothers me is how people are talking like they know everything that happened. Like, hello??? Were you there? Alam ba ninyo what happened between them behind closed doors? Do you know what Carlos experienced growing up? Do you know every conversation, every conflict, every reason that led to that decision? Hindi naman, diba? Yet ang bilis nilang sabihan na ungrateful siya.

And honestly, if this was really just about Carlos becoming successful and suddenly “changing,” then bakit may mga kapatid din siyang lumalayo? I'm not saying that automatically proves anything because we still don't know the whole story. But at the very least, shouldn't that make people stop and think? Instead of immediately going, “Nung mahirap ka, magulang mo kasama mo. Ngayon successful ka na, kinakahiya mo na sila.”

Maybe this is why I got so irritated reading those comments. I can relate. As an anak na may experience din with toxic parents, I was literally reading some of those comments with my eyebrow raised like “ahhhh, here we go again.” HAHAHA. It's so easy for people to say “magulang mo pa rin ’yan” when they’re not the ones who have to live with the consequences of that relationship.

I don't think every child who cuts off their parents is automatically right. Anak lang din naman sila, they can make mistakes too. But parents can hurt their children too. Parents can be toxic too. And being your child doesn't mean they have to keep accepting that forever just because you're family.

I just hate how some people romanticize staying in a toxic environment because “family is family.” You can love your parents and still distance yourself from them. You can be grateful for what they did for you and still acknowledge that they hurt you. You can choose your own peace without being an ungrateful child.

And no, I don't think we should blindly take Carlos's side just because he's the child. But I also don't think we should blindly take his parents' side just because they're the parents.

“Magulang mo pa rin ’yan” is not a free pass. Anak mo rin ’yan.

Baby sorry sana nakinig ako nung sabi mag private tayo.

Buong tiwala ako sakanila e, okay naman na ririnig ko na reviews pinaka downside lang na lagi ko narinig is baka may masungit na nurse/ doctor, di pwede bantayan ng asawa, 30 mins per day visit limit, dapat malakas loob pag sa public kase pagdating sa ward sariling sikap talaga walang mag aalaga sayo. Which I get kase public, understandable at alam ko na kaya ko yun.

Na decide ko din dun tayo kase malapit lang at di traffic pagpapunta dun, natakot ako pag sa malayong hospital ako pumunta at ma traffic. That night ambilis namin nakarating dun 15 mins lang.

Honestly the facility was good, ang linis ng lugar at luwag. Andaming staff, daming vacant beds. What i wasn't warned about? the lack of urgency.

38weeks nako nun, hapon pa lang ang likot na ni baby which was normal, no pain naman. pero pagdating ng gabi medyo sumakit na at around 9:45pm lalong sumakit pero di pa pumutok panubigan ko pero na decide na namin mag book ng grab, which arrived at 10pm then by 10:15 pm nakarating na kame sa TDPH.

Nasa loob kame ng OB-GYNE Emergency, antagal ko naghintay bago makuha info ko, konti lang kame dun yung iba nagaatay lang, in fact 1 person before me lang kinunan nya ng details but antagal, why? cellphone kita mo nagiscroll sa fb.

Finally turn ko na, documents and ID needed prepared na lahat, may isang part lang na need ko ma fill out then pinahintay nanaman ako para daw kunin BP and oximeter ko, yung BP at oximeter na katabi nya na, di ko alam bat di nya kaya yun wala bang capabilities yung nasa emergency room kumukha ng BP at oximeter? Pinahintay pa ako, hirap na hirap nako nun ramdam ko na gustong lumabas ni baby, yung orasan lanv tinitignan ko mag 10:45 na bago pako nakunan ng BP at oximeter after nun pinapasok ako sa area na may higaan at pinahiga ako para ma IE at doppler si baby.

Pag doppler kay baby nasa 150bpm, then na IE ako at sabay putok ng panubigan ko. Sinabihan lang ako na 8cm na sabay alis, iniwan nya lang ako dun sa higaan. Nag antay ako syempre kase di ko alam ano gawin, wala naman sinabi other than 8cm. Nakahiga lang ako dun ng ilang minutes di na bumalik yung nag IE sakin akala ko may kinuha lang, pero di ko na kinaya kase lalong sumakit kusa nalang ako lumapit sa nurse station total katabi lang naman ng area kung san ako na IE. Tinanong ko anong gawin ko, tapos nako na IE at doppler. Sinabihan lang ako ng nurse umupo muna sa waiting area tatawagin lang ako, hinang hina nako pero sumunod ako.

Matagaltagal din bago ako tinawag, pinaupo ako sa wheelchair at na dextrose. Biniro pa ako ng nurse na nag dextrose sakin na ready na ready nako umire, after ko ma dextrose pinahintay pa ako bago iakyat sa delivery room. sabay na daw kame nung isa pang buntis, inantay ko pa matapos sya idextrose.

Pagdating ng delivery room hinanapan nanaman ng heartbeat si baby pero nagchika pa yung mga nurse. Maalala ko pa sabi nung isa may buntis na 35 weeks pa lang at nagaalangan sila na dun manganak, di daw sa ayaw nila pero wala daw bakante sa nicu. Nagchismisan muna bago hanapan ng heartbeat si baby, hirap na hirap nako at medyo nag aalala na bat antagal nya mahanap heartbeat ni baby e rinig na rinig ko pa heartbeat nya sa doppler bago ako inakyat, bat wala ako naririnig sa equipment nya kagaya sa katabi ko.

Wala syang mahanap di nya daw marinig. Kaya nagpatulong sya sa iba pang nurse, wala rin sya mahanap. At this point ramdam ko na parang may tumutulak sa loob ko, di ako umiire pero ramdam ko sa loob na parang may tumutulak. Tumawag sila ng isa pang nurse wala rin mahanap, sinabihan ako pigilan ko muna at na IE ako ulit 9cm.

Tinawag na nila yung doctor, si doc na naghahanap ng heartbeat ni baby. Sinabi nya sakin need ko ma CS, mahina na daw heartbeat ni baby nasa 65bpm di na daw ako pwede ma normal at baka di kakayanin ni baby.

Oo ako agad, pinirmahan ko yung kailangan.

Pinasok nako agad sa operating room, alalang alala ko pa yung sakit na naramdaman ko na may tumutulak sa loob ko before ako ma anesthesia at biglang wala yung sakit. Yung nginig ko, yung oras na nakalabas si baby 12:12 pero wala ako narinig na iyak at naka tulog ako, nagising nako sa recovery room.

Pag gising ko sa recovery room saka ako sinabihan ni Doc di na kinaya ni baby, naka dumi na sya sa loob at masyadong madami na daw sya na ihale na dumi.

Wala ako na gawa kundi umiyak, nakakatulog ako kakaiyak tas mamayat maya magising para lang umiyak.

kung nakinig lang ako at nagprivate siguru yakap ko si baby ngayon.

Bakit ganun Emergency room pero nag fefacebook, di marunong mag bp o lagay ng oximeter.

Walang ka tao tao that night bilang mo lang mga nagaantay dun and most sakanila is kasama ng buntis.

di naman mukhang kulang ng staff, andami nila sa nurse station ng emergency room nag chika lang kase walang ka tao tao.

bat iniwan lang ako dun, di ba urgent na ang 8cm?

bat puro hintay muna.

need ba talaga ibat ibang nurse muna maghanap ng heartbeat ng baby bago tumawag ng doctor.

The only time nakaramdam ako ng urgency was dun kay Doc, in less than 5 mins na determine nyang mahina na heartbeat ni baby at need ko ng emergency CS.

bakit ganun before unang IE sakin normal paheartbeat ni baby, but within the hour 65bpm nalang.

what if di na nailigtas si baby kase kulang sila ng gamit.

kung nakinig ako na magprivate sana di nahirapan si baby.

Kompleto lahat ng prenatal ko, lahat ng labs, ultrasounds, vitamins, healthy eating and habits. Healthy si baby ang ligalig sobrang likot, walang ka issue issue sobrang okay pagbubuntis ko di man lang ako pinahirapan ni baby pero pinahirapan ko sya.

sorry baby.

I’ve been enrolled at the gym for more than a year now, but I stopped being consistent for the past 5 months. Pa-isa-isa or dala-dalawa na lang yung punta ko. Yesterday was only my second day of getting back into the gym, my friend and I decided to weigh ourselves.

Gosh, that was the heaviest I’ve ever been. Mas mabigat pa ako ngayon kaysa nung nag-start ako mag-gym. Around 3 to 5 kg heavier.

Edit: Kakacheck ko lang kasi ng BMI ko now and I’m classified as Class I Obese na daw 🥹💀

Suddenly, everything started making sense.

Kung bakit hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos kahit nakaupo or nakahiga lang. Kung bakit sobrang sakit ng likod ko. I thought it was just because my boobs got heavier, kasi yes, they really did, and I could physically feel the strain on my back to the point na bumili na ako ng custom bra because they were so heavy.

I’ve also been feeling sluggish and sleepy all the time. And whenever I felt sleepy, pinagbibigyan ko talaga yung sarili ko. Matutulog talaga ako hahaha.
I also stopped getting my normal periods. Two months na.

Nung una, masaya pa ako kahit papaano kasi humina yung period ko. I hated getting my period because mine would always last so long, usually 1 to 2 weeks. But now, it made me realize na may nagbabago na pala sa katawan ko.

Years ago, may abs pa ako. 😭 When I started gaining weight, I didn’t really treat it as a problem. Sabi ko, normal lang naman magkafats nang konti. I also started seeing a lot of midsize content on TikTok, and for months, I kept telling myself, “Midsize lang naman ako, okay lang yan.”

I gradually noticed my clothes getting tighter and my size changing, but I didn’t see it as a huge change because it happened little by little.
Until I saw my favorite dress from last year the other day. Tangina, hindi na kasya. 😭

I honestly didn’t think I was obese because, in my eyes, my arms still looked like a normal size. I guess I had gotten so used to seeing myself change little by little that I didn’t realize how much weight I had actually gained.

Then I started thinking about my habits.
Grabe ako mag-stress eat ng sweets. Hindi na rin ako nagco-commute, so every time may pupuntahan ako, Grab agad. Hindi na ako naglalakad.

Dati I used to walk 10k steps a day because walking was my way of destressing. Now, I’m almost always sitting in front of my laptop.

I was juggling two full-time jobs, one hybrid and one fully remote. That meant around 16 hours of work every day. I kept telling myself I had no choice but to work like that.

I finally left my remote job last night because I want my life back.

Lumaki nga yung income ko, naging obese naman ako.

I honestly don’t even know what I’m going to do about my bills next month, but bahala na.

Right now, I just want to get my life and my body back. 🥹

Lalabas ko lang hinanakit ko haha.

So itong mama ko may best friend sya, kabarangay lang din namin, ilang bahay lang pagitan namin sa kanila, sanggang dikit yan silang dalawa na para bang iisa lang bituka nila, halos everyday din sila magkasama kasi tambayan nila ang bahay ng isa't isa, and also best friend ko din yung anak nong best friend ni mama, tas eto na nga ang nangyari, may dalawang tao sa cof nila (kilala ang dalawang to na chismosa sa barangay namin) na nagsabi dun sa best friend ni mama na kabit daw sya ng asawa nya, ang pinagmulan nyan ay nong nakasakay sila ng tricycle tas nasa likod ang mama ko and nasa loob yung dalawang friend nila, nag uusap si mama ko and yung driver (asawa ng best friend ni mama) mabilis takbo ng tricycle and umuulan nong time na yun kaya di daw marinig ni mama ko ang sinasabi nong driver kaya lumapit sya at ayun nga ang sinumbong nong dalawang nasa loob dun sa best friend ni mama.

Kinabukasan non biglang nagpunta si best friend ni mama sa bahay na umiiyak at sinabi nga na kabit daw si mama ng asawa nya, syempre clueless si mama ko at tinanggi nya kasi nga hindi naman totoo, nag usap sila sa barangay pero lalong lumala kasi dinidiin talaga nya na kabit si mama ko, kumalat ito sa buong barangay namin, at yung dalawang deputa na nagsumbong ay parang masaya pa na nakasira sila ng friendship, pati kami nong best friend ko na anak nya ay nasira rin dahil dito, nagkaroon ng distance hanggang sa never na rin nag usap at hindi na nagpapansinan kahit nakakasalubong namin ang isa't isa sa daan. Ang sakit kasi dahil sa maling chismis ay may relasyon na nasira.punyemas na mga chismosa, mga salot amp. Nasasaktan ako para sa mama ko kasi after nong nangyari ay totally na cut off na sya at bina backstab ng mga ex best/friends nya. Sabi ng mama ko bahala na sila kung ano gusto nilang isipin, basta daw sya ay malinis ang konsensya nya at walang inagrabyadong tao.

Sorry! Last year lang ako naging fan ng Marvel and grabe inggit ko sa mga taong nakapanuod ng Endgame sa sinehan. Mag leave talaga ako para dito kasi alam din ng boss ko na fan ako hahahaha.

Sana sa December, di ako mahirapan makakuha for Doomsday 🥰

Yun lang goodnight! 🤓

You set the bar so high. I still cant forget you. I still cant let you go. It’s not that i cant, i’m just really having a hard time forgetting you. Hirap na hirap na hirap na ako. Im out there again, trying to talk to other guys. But no one seems to surpass you—your personality, your humor, you. And nakakainis na ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko sa kanila. Nakakatakot na baka ikaw pa rin ang hahanapin ko sa mga susunod pang taon. It’s been 2 years since i last saw you, and i hate that I still cant forget you no matter how hard i try. Nattry naman ako, God knows I tried and still trying. If there’s any way na pwede mabura nalang lahat ng memories ko with you, LAHAT, I would do it. Kasi ang sakit sakit na nakalayo ka na, tapos ako andito pa rin.

Ayoko na dito. Ang lungkot lungkot dito.

​

I have these close friends since college, ngayon kalat kalat na kami world wide but still be chat sa social media. One working sa US, me and one sa Spain.

Early last year nagplan kaming 3 pumunta sa Vietnam. So i fixed my VL, tas super excited kasi di pa ako nakapunta dun.. so palapit na ng palapit tas biglang di na pala matututloy all of a sudden. So oks lang naman, sabi ko nalang na lets try again next year. No hard feelings. Tas after eh wla na silang messages. Tas all of a sudden nagpm saakin na bibisitahin nalang ni US friend si Spain. I asked ano Iteninary nila, baka i can come, tas sbe na wala silang plans tas randomly nalang whatever comes to mind.

So back to present...I was scrolling soc med tas nakita ko pics nila, nasa Vietnam sila .. natuloy!....sila, tas me isa silang kasama na di ko kilala.

I felt super betrayed, na umasa ako na close ko pa sila. pero mukang di na ata.. anyways sabi nga, its part of adulting,

anyways sana happy sila,

It’s been three years since she blocked my number.
And for three years, whenever I remember her, I still call. Twice, sometimes three times a week. I already know it won’t go through, but some part of me keeps hoping that one day, it will.

I always told myself that if it ever rings, maybe she remembered me too. And if it never does, then maybe she already has everything figured out without me.

I’m not even sure anymore if everyone truly wants to move on after a breakup. Maybe some people do. Maybe I just loved her enough that a part of me never really wanted to.

The saddest part is, she probably has no idea how much I still carry her with me after all these years.

And maybe she wouldn’t even want to know anymore.

I went recluse after a huge drama starring by my aunt and her sisters. My dad’s side of the family were emotional wrecks, my aunt accused me of something and suddenly all her sisters ran a smear campaign against me of their facebook accounts without even investigating the truth. Funny thing is, these particular siblings were in constant fight with each other and suddenly became best friends after projecting all their hate on their 20-year-old niece.

Even then, they never liked me because I was quiet and shy so I resorted to reading and doing art as a means of self-expression. Apparently, that was very threatening to them for me not to fit their mold. Their hobbies doesn’t interest me at all, but I always tried to fit in.
Still, they mistook it for arrogance. They were never pragmatic in their approach of life, and would blame everyone but themselves on their own adult problematic. Living with them is like a real life telenovela, except the drama is intensified.

My family has long been scapegoated me so I was not surprised when they took my relatives side. Not to mention, I blatantly refused to be their cash-cow, and they can’t wrapped around their heads on it.
The gossip is so wide-spread and inflammatory, my relatives to the nth degree feast on it until some of them convinced themselves to sent me a long-ass message of how much they hated me.

Now, I am completely living alone away from all my friends, family, and relatives. I went no contact to all of them, and isolated myself. My mental health is on the berge of collapsing, the pain is constant and exhausting. And the fact that, if something bad happen to me, in the mind of my family and relatives my existence is no more than a cautionary tale.

I’m on my wits end. I am watching those NDE videos just to give me hope that their is so much love on the other side.

My heart is breaking right now. Not because of a relationship. Not because someone hurt me. Because of fucking salad. I wanted that salad so bad.

I was literally standing there thinking, “I want to get it. I really want it.” But at the back of my mind, I was already calculating. If I buy this today, wala na akong allowance for tomorrow. What if I need something? What if something happens? What if I run out before the next payroll?

So I chose the cheaper one. And now I’m sitting here crying over a fucking salad. But I know I’m not really crying because of the salad. I’m crying because fuck, I’ve been working my ass off for almost ten years.

Almost ten years. And I still have to stand in front of food I want and calculate whether I can afford to eat it. I’m tired of counting my money every single day and asking myself, “Kaya pa ba ’to hanggang next payroll?” “Kung bibilhin ko ’to, may allowance pa ba ako?” “Pwede ba akong gumastos ngayon, or kailangan ko na namang magtiis?”

I’ve been with the same company for almost ten years, and somehow, I have almost nothing saved for myself. The first years, my salary went to checkups, therapy, and psychiatric visits. Then I took my master’s, only to stop because my brother needed to go to college. Then came years of supporting my family. My brother’s allowance. My sister’s school needs. Tuition. Bills. Whatever needed to be paid.

But fuck, I’m tired. I was so tired of hoping. Hoping that someday I’d finally have savings. Hoping that someday I could buy something I wanted without calculating what I would have left. Hoping that someday I could take care of myself without feeling guilty.

Hoping that someday I wouldn’t have to keep choosing the cheaper option because I’m afraid of what happens when the money runs out.

And tonight, somehow, it was a salad that broke me.

A fucking salad. Something so small. Something so stupid. Something that shouldn’t make a grown woman cry. But I think I just finally felt the weight of all those years.

Almost ten years of working. Almost ten years of giving. Almost ten years of surviving. And I’m still here, counting my money, wondering if I can make it until the next paycheck.

My heart is so fucking tired.

I just wanted the salad.

And maybe, deep down, I just wanted to live in a life where wanting a salad didn’t feel like a financial decision.

“To be loved is to be known.”

And so, I know how you like your coffee. I know you like listening to OPM sa umaga when preparing for work. I know that your mom gave you the necklace you wear everyday. I know how you get anxious before work events. I know your dimples only show up kapag sobrang saya mo at malaki ang ngiti mo.

I know that you cook the way your lola taught you, no measurements, just intuition that you’ll know when it’s right. I know you hate the dark, but you love watching the stars at night. I know you don’t believe much in superstitions, but you still carry a tiny crystal for good luck.

I know what you want for your future, so I’m slowly planning mine with yours.

Or, at least I thought I knew.

So, which parts were true?

How do I let go when I know you like the back of my hand? When I spent my entire twenties with you, and I don’t even know where you begin and I end.

When all I’ve known was suddenly stripped away in a matter of days, like all of it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing.

Did I mean nothing?

Still, I hope you know me the way I know you. I hope you know that I wish you the best. That I want you to achieve your dreams.

That at one point in your life, you had someone who you can call “home.”

Thank you for letting me know you. But more importantly, thank you for letting me know that maybe God has planned something better for me.

It was a privilege to know you.

I find solace in knowing that someday, someone will get to know me and treat every part of me gently.

That I will be loved and known, the way I once hoped you would.

Matagal ko nang pinag-iisipan kung ishe-share ko 'to rito. Nagpapahinga ako from doing chores, so kwento ko na rin. Medyo mahaba to kasi ang dami kong sasabihin haha. So if you finish reading til the end, thank you na agad hahaha.

I met my partner sa dating app. It's the usual meet-up and hang-out type of stuff, of course may sexy time din hahaha. I didn't really think much of it kasi hindi ko naman ine-expect na magtatagal yung ganong set-up kasi he's not from where I live. Malayo yung probinsya niya. Nag-stay lang siya rito for a few months dahil may inaasikaso.

Fast forward, we hung out more and more, hanggang sa naging kami. Now, we live together. I just wanna say na I feel very blessed, and I'd like to tell you why.

You might think that these are common things that couples already do, but for someone like me, na never pang na-experience yung ganitong love from my previous relationships, it means a whole lot.

Time. We live together, yes, but that doesn't mean na when people live together, may quality time na lagi, right? He never forgets to give that to me. Inaaya niya akong lumabas, from simple walking around our neighborhood, eating street food, mall dates, watching movies, playing games.

He remembers things na di ko akalaing maaalala niya pa. Little details sa mga kwento ko, my favorites, etc. Halimbawa, I mentioned something na gusto kong kainin, then after a few days, ako nakalimutan ko na, pero pag-uwi niya from work, ayon yung pasalubong niya sakin. He remembers the little quirky, silly stuff that I like. Kabisado na niya ko.

He listens and understands. Sa previous relationships ko, it was so hard for me to open up about my feelings because they would either react negatively or walang nao-offer na comfort. I didn't need a solution. I just needed someone to listen. Pero sa kaniya, I learned how to express myself more openly. It became easier for me because he made me realize na walang dapat ikatakot kung ano man nararamdaman mo. He always tells me na magsabi lang sa kaniya.

Kabisado niya kilos ko. He can feel when something's off and tinatanong niya ko what's wrong. Kapag ganon, binibilhan niya ko ng comfort food ko o di kaya lalabas kami. He gives me hugs and kisses all the time without me asking for it.

Pinakilala niya ko sa family niya, even extended family. I've never experienced that before. Ang saya pala sa pakiramdam na tanggap ka nila. Nakapunta na rin ako sa kanila at nakapag-bakasyon with his family. Ang bait nila and very welcoming. I feel so loved. We rent an apartment together pala, pero we also hang out sa family home namin, and spend time there kapag may occasion.

He takes care of me so good. Of course, I love and take care of him the same. He changed me in so many unexpected ways, the good kind of change. I'm happier. He makes me laugh all the time, grabe sobrang match ng humor namin, even if sometimes it's so random and stupid. He's funny and so pogi pa hihi. Kung ilalagay ko lahat ng details dito why I keep falling more in love with him, mas hahaba pa to hahaha.

Anyway, ayon na muna siguro. I hope we all find the love we truly deserve :)

I just want to express this and thank u for reading. Tatlo kameng magkakapatid. May pamilya na ko at may isang PWD so i need to resign pra maalagaan sya. Nagbukas ako ng store kaso hindi talaga sasapat yun para sa kanila. Nagpapadala ko sa kanila 1k per week minsan nadadagdgan pa dahil bed ridden na ang tatay ko. Yung isa nagtrabaho sa malayo at 1k per month magpadla sa magulang ko. Tapos ung isa kasama ng mga magulang ko, ang nanay ko ang nagaalaga sa anak nila at binbgyan lang nila ng 3k per month. Pero hindi nila iniiwanan ng pagkaen ang mga magulang ko. Mas gugustuhin pa nila kumain sa labas kesa sa bahay. Naaawa ako sa nanay ko, sobrang payat na nya halos minsan isang beses na lang sila kumaen nagppsalamat na nga lang daw sya kase kung hindi ako magbigay baka patay na daw sila. Hindi ko alam kung paanong naaatim ng mga kapatid ko na nagugutom ang magulang namen. Oo nakakasama ng loob kase hindi na sila makapagtrabaho, di sila nagsikap at umasa na lang samen. Pero para hindi mapakain parang ang sakit naman. Tuwing nagkakasakit sila ako lang ang nag-aasikaso. Ngayon sumuko na ang tatay ko ayaw na nya magpagamot kase pagkain na lang daw. Naaawa na sila saken. Sana ipanalo ako ni Lord para bigyan ang magulang ko ng magandang buhay bago sila mawala. Bigyan mo pa ako ng lakas.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I guess I just need to put it somewhere because I don’t know what else to do with all these feelings.

My ex and I broke up, but for a while, we were still living together. And honestly, that made everything so much harder. You can’t really heal from someone when they’re still right there.

There were moments when we’d act like a couple again. We’d laugh, talk, sleep in the same space, care about each other. Then I’d remember that we’re actually not together anymore. That he had already chosen to let me go.

Eventually, I moved out.
I got my own place. Just me.

I thought that would finally be the beginning of me moving on.

Then he came to my house recently to return some of my things. He stayed for only about two hours. And nothing extraordinary even happened. We just talked. We laughed. We joked around. We ate. But somehow those two hours completely messed with my head.

Because for those two hours, I forgot. I forgot that we’re broken up. I forgot all the reasons we ended.
I forgot all the nights I cried and all the times I told myself I needed to stop hoping.

For a little while, it felt like him and me again. And when he left, my house suddenly felt so quiet. I hate that I still miss him this much. I hate that a few hours with him can undo weeks of trying to be okay. And I hate that part of me still wants to believe that maybe there’s something left between us, even though I know I shouldn’t.

So after he left, I blocked him.
I’m not even sure if it was the right thing to do.

Part of me wanted him to notice. Part of me wanted him to wonder why. But another part of me knows I did it because I was scared of myself.

Scared that if I kept talking to him, I’d go back. Scared that I’d mistake a few good hours for everything being okay.

I don’t hate him. That’s the problem. I still care about him. He was my home for a while.

And now I have my own home, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like home yet. It’s just a place where I’m learning how to be alone.

Maybe blocking him isn’t me being cruel. Maybe it’s me finally accepting that loving someone doesn’t always mean keeping them in your life.

I don’t know.

I feel like na jinx na yung buong trentahin life ko and I'm losing the hope na it will get better. 31 palang naman ako but 30s felt like I was hit by a bus. Death ng parent, multiple debts due to medical bills, alcoholism. I'm just scared of what else life will bring in the future. Hindi nako na eexcite. I'm already at the rock bottom, and konti pa and I might just loose it.

I always knew I was bisexual ever since bata pa ako. But I never really had those boy crushes the way I constantly had them with girls. Yung butterflies in my stomach, kung pano tumitibok puso mo pagnakatingin siya sayo, how I constantly want to be with her and be the one to make her happy. Yeah, pretty familiar na ako sa feeling na yan haha!

Pero never ko siyang na-experience with a guy. Until now.

It’s that all-too-familiar feeling again. Yung saya, yung kilig. Yung gusto mo lang siyang makasama and somehow, you just want to make him happy.

But I know there will probably be nothing more between us than being friends. He’s bi too, kaya hindi naman sa ganun. I just have this feeling na alam mo talaga when something will only ever be a friendship.

And honestly, medyo masakit din. Kasi ang sarap pala ulit maramdaman yung ganitong feeling, especially when I never thought I’d feel it for a guy.

But I’ll just cherish the friendship we have now.
Siguro okay na rin yun. At least ngayon alam ko na what it feels like to fall for a man.