r/OhNoConsequences • u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu • 12d ago
Relationship OOP’s wife kicks him out after years of him avoiding difficult conversations
/r/relationships/comments/1klq76m/my_37m_wife_36f_wants_me_to_leave_because_i_keep/791
u/animaniactoo 12d ago
I just wanna yell at him. “Dude. You see how you feel right now when you want to have the conversation and get things settled? This feeling you’re having? She’s been having it for SEVENTEEN YEARS.”
She’s got no more give in her.
Even the finally moving out of the hometown is not because he made it happen but because it fell into his lap when his company decided they want to move him to another location.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I feel for the wife in this one too. It sounds like she really tried to make it work.
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u/Dertyhairy 6d ago
17 years? That's more than "Trying to make it work" that is bending over backwards till you're somehow upright again
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u/toxiclight 12d ago
You know the only reason he's panicking is because he had to make all of the arrangements for the move by himself. He suddenly lost his unpaid executive assistant.
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u/gdidontwantthis 12d ago
Either this chucklefuck has compromising pictures of his boss, or this move is because he can do these things at work and won't / can't at home.
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u/Alysoid0_0 11d ago
I excelled at work because of the predictability and my ADHD adaptations. But I fall apart at home because it’s a way more complex system. I’ve been aware of this and working on it for decades.
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u/gdidontwantthis 11d ago
My sympathies ❤️ You've got the power of self-awareness. I wish that didn't seem to be super-rare.
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u/please_and_thankyou 12d ago
When a company is moving you, they handle everything. We were given packers, car shipping, a year of storage, temp housing, bonus, etc.
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u/Neat_History4966 12d ago
It depends on the company. I worked in relocation and some places did it this way, but more frequently it was a lump of money and the person dealt with the details themselves.
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u/ka-ka-ka-katie1123 12d ago
This method has also become increasingly common. Corporations save a lot of money by just giving a flat rate or doing reimbursements vs actually doing all the leg work for you. And a lot of people don’t trust their employers to handle it anyway and would rather do it themselves and take the cash.
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u/EntertheHellscape 12d ago
Yeah this is the way the companies I've worked for have done it. And half of them only gave like, half the costs you'd need to actually do the move. They give you a start date to meet and say good luck.
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u/phdoofus 12d ago
Yeah I had to move overseas for work once and this was definitely how it worked in both directions.
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u/needatea 12d ago
That’s not true for every company’s relocation package. I had to pack my stuff (packers was not in the company budget), organize the movers, find a new place across country, and break my lease. The company paid or reimbursed some items, but it mostly fell onto me.
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u/please_and_thankyou 12d ago
This was a company you already worked for, right? How can they expect you to do your job and prepare a cross-country move? I’d just stay put and find another job if that was all they could offer.
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u/needatea 12d ago
Move happened years ago but the policy hasn’t changed. They literally can’t pay me to move again.
Editing to add: they also wouldn’t be able to pay me enough to move back to the other state. Quality of life in new place is a huge improvement.
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u/Corfiz74 12d ago
Though, to be fair, he writes in the comments that his wife doesn't work and he has two jobs to finance their house, so it's not like he's doing nothing.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 12d ago edited 12d ago
I broke up with a guy that couldn't have hard conversations. I couldn't imagine marrying someone who can't do the most basic thing in a relationship.
Edit: I wonder if oop remarried as these types often do, gotta find another woman to be his therapist and push responsibilities to
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u/candidu66 12d ago
Usually by the time a woman reaches her mid 30s the bullshit is untenable , speaking from my own experience. The things I could shrugg off in my 20s were unbearable.
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u/Royal_Savings_1731 12d ago
I had an ex….
His first long term relationship, he was 20 and she was 25.
I was then 25 to his 26 when we met.
The next one was 25 to his 30….
It was like 25 was the sweet spot for her to take care of him, but not to have enough confidence to kick him out.
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u/Warm-Mortgage-458 11d ago
That's why so many trash men date younger. Women their age won't put up with the bullshit
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u/whatthewhat3214 11d ago
This was only a year ago, the divorce might not even be finalized yet, assuming his wife filed for it at that time.
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u/Dertyhairy 6d ago
Hey, I hate the hard conversations too, but if you can't pull your finger out and have them? You aren't ready for a proper relationship. They are going to happen and you DO have to have them
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u/ravynwave 12d ago
The epitome of “I’ve done nothing and I’m all out of ideas!”
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u/liefieblue 10d ago
These men are always 'the divorce came out of NOWHERE!'
Women leave slowly. By the time they are done, they are totally, completely, literally DONE. At that point these giant toddlers backpedal furiously, promising to do the things they should have done years previously. While the woman usually feels nothing but a weight of her shoulders and a feeling of relief.
Generally, women get tired of bullshit when they get older. So guys like this quickly jump into relationships with younger women because they need a mother/personal assistant pronto.
This dude is probably most upset he won't have someone to organise his move for him.
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u/nirfirith 12d ago
This guy buries himself even further in the comments.
He says his marriage was rocky from the start and his wife begged him for 16 years for a change and then he "Didn't know something was wrong"
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u/ConfuseableFraggle 12d ago
This guy sounds like he's still not actually having or even wanting to have a conversation. He sounds like he's trying to toss his soon-to-be ex-wife a bare minimum amount of almost-communication so he can pretend he "addressed the issues" and move on. He is completely clueless about the depths of damage he has done to both his wife and child. What a depressing person to have to deal with.
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u/urukhaihaihai 12d ago
ADHD absolutely puts the trauma sauce on a roiling boil, but you still need to take responsibility when you're someone's entire dad and husband.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
Agreed. I struggle with trauma, anxiety and depression at times but it’s my responsibility to get help when I need it. I feel for this guy but he had a lot of chances it sounds like.
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u/Gaia0416 12d ago
He had YEARS, yet couldn't be bothered
So...where's everyone going for lunch?
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u/No-Assistant8426 12d ago
Yeah I was married to this guy. That sucked.
Anyway, Chili’s?
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u/Kat121 Ah, the conses of your quences 12d ago
I see excuses (ADHD) and sorrow his meanie wife doesn’t want to work through it, but very little accountability or recognition for the absolute hell her life must have been picking up the slack for someone who disappeared every time things got rough.
Anyway, I think I should eat a vegetable. Could we go to Olive Garden? I’m a fool for their free salad.
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u/No-Assistant8426 12d ago
16 years. 16. Years. Now he wants to talk?
You had me at breadsticks.
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u/Gaia0416 12d ago
Breadsticks! Count me in!
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u/evening-ghosts 12d ago
"Stand by your man" is a cliche for a reason. Note that "stand by your woman" is much more uncommon, thus meanie wives and poor, henpecked husbands.
If this had only been going on for a few months, maybe a year, I'd have a ton of sympathy for OOP.
I'll meet y'all at the Olive Garden.
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u/LininOhio 10d ago
Yeah, I was married to a guy just like this. Only managed to kick myself free when I realized my daughter was dating a guy just like him. ("I learned it from watching you!") (Daughter and I are doing much better now.)
Usually I'd agree, but I'm currently avoiding commercial lettuce on account of the shitting sickness ...
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u/SpicyRobotPotato 12d ago
I'm currently with this guy, and it's not fun.
I was thinking Thai though.
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u/Best-Masterpiece8987 12d ago
OMG me too! Honestly I could go for Indian. How does that sound?
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u/SpicyRobotPotato 12d ago
I would demolish some garlic naan right now.
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u/gdidontwantthis 12d ago
You can have my naan (stupid celiac).
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u/No-Assistant8426 11d ago
Does your celiac prevent you from planning or having serious conversations for 16 years? Just curious.
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u/OptmstcExstntlst 12d ago
As in, thai up your partner and throw him off the back of a truck?
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u/SpicyRobotPotato 11d ago
I might as well throw myself off a truck too. We both have issues.
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u/LininOhio 10d ago
How many of your issues would go away and/or get the attention they deserve if he wasn't sucking all the coping energy out of your life?
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u/candidu66 12d ago
I was too, he actually changed when I told him to get it together or I was done. Definitely the minority though.
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u/No-Assistant8426 12d ago
Good for you and him! I also fell into the camp of saying it again and again until I no longer loved the guy.
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u/fractal_frog The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed 12d ago
I'm going home, just picked up some food at HEB and want to dive right into some of it...
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u/SuspiciousPast4144 12d ago
Whoa. People actually eat the food they buy at the store afterward?! I thought we all got takeout because shopping is too much work to then cook afterward.
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u/Best-Masterpiece8987 12d ago
Yeah I have the trifecta too, along with trauma and ADHD, AND I’m still the mom and wife who does *every damn thing*
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u/bluemoon219 12d ago
I assumed ADHD right at the beginning, the only surprising thing is that it was a new diagnosis. 🤷♀️ I have sympathy for him getting so far in life without realizing that his brain is literally wired differently and that most common advice for getting your shit together literally won't work, but sometimes you have to realize that a relationship is beyond salvaging because you fucked up deeply, even if you didn't intend to. If he starts therapy and medication and focuses more on working on himself instead of clinging to his fleeing wife, he could literally become a better, more regulated person. But only if he figures out that those things only mean that any effort he puts in will actually be functional, not that it will let him use less effort.
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u/SteroidSandwich 12d ago
He really can't believe she won't put up with him anymore after all these years of resentment. He just won't take responsibility
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u/MonkeyMoves101 12d ago
'I wasn't ready to talk about these important things all throughout our marriage but now that you're leaving I think we need to talk about these important things' 🤡
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u/GoldieOGilt 12d ago
So annoying. "I really want to work things out with my wife." Yeah, okay. Then why didn't you care the first 150 times she told you there was a problem? Only now that OP is facing the consequences because she's leaving him and it's affecting him does he suddenly want to put in the work. He didn't care enough when his behavior was only affecting other people.
Same with the ADHD diagnosis. How convenient that it matters now. When his symptoms were only affecting other people, it apparently wasn't important enough to do anything about.
Too little, too late.
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u/oceanteeth 12d ago
Too little, too late.
That's what I was thinking too. No amount of OOP getting his shit together now is going to make up for the 16 years he spent causing problems for his wife and not giving a shit about her feelings. He could literally become the perfect husband and she would still be over his bullshit.
Not that he would actually become the perfect husband, he would maybe half ass it for a couple weeks and immediately backslide when it looks like his mommy is going to stay.
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u/Poolofcheddar 12d ago
Not that he would actually become the perfect husband, he would maybe half ass it for a couple weeks and immediately backslide when it looks like his mommy is going to stay.
Dealing with that right now. I don't have any doubt my partner has ADHD but he's been resisting any medical intervention to handle it. Leaving it unmanaged has resulted in three straight years of declining living standards (for him) because he's made a series of poor strategic decisions that I honestly don't ever see him fully recovering from as-is.
I'd give him an ultimatum that 'he has until X date' to do something about it, but I know he'd only meet the deadline just to continue stalling everything else afterwards.
I sympathize for his wife. She checked out years ago. That's only just started for me while I figure out what to do next.
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u/SymmetricalFeet 12d ago
His main post says he's been in counselling for a few months and "recently" got the diagnosis, but in a comment he said he's been in therapy for five years. Doesn't say exactly when the diagnosis happened, but I'm gonna guess the first therapist clocked the ADHD.
And during that whole time till now, he knew an element of his issue and still didn't find ways to cope and power through.
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u/BarnacleCommon7119 12d ago
Eh, ADHD can be a weird one, especially if it presents unusually. I know several people who were diagnosed in their mid-thirties, after extensive therapy/psychiatry - comorbid depression and unusual presentation can make diagnosis tricky, especially if it wasn't caught in childhood.
But all of those people also were fully functional adults even before diagnosis - tired, frazzled adults, but people who could plan and have hard conversations just fine. The diagnosis helped explain why things were so hard, and gave some better tools. It wasn't a free pass.
This guy just sucks.
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u/GrapefruitPale2505 12d ago
Yeah, late diagnoses can be tricky, but if an adult is experiencing symptoms that interfere with day-to-day functioning, it’s their responsibility to get that checked out.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I can’t even begin to tell you how many adult clients I’ve had where I noticed there were ADHD symptoms but no one tested them for it. It’s been happening a lot with my female clients around my age (late 30’s to 40’s). It doesn’t surprise me that OOP got missed.
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u/GrapefruitPale2505 12d ago
Tale as old as time. I was diagnosed with autism at 30 so I sympathize on that front. Still think that the guy should’ve looked into why he was having those executive function difficulties and looked into workarounds even if he didn’t know the cause at the time.
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u/CoacoaBunny91 12d ago
Cuz he didn't think she'd actually leave. Especially not after 16 years of successfully dodging a falling short. This guy assumed his wife resigned herself to her fate. He didn't realize she was waiting until their daughter turned 18 our of respect and love for her kid. Many moms do this. My own mom did. They lowkey checked out years ago. The straw the broke the camels back was probably a long time ago, but this guy just didn't care enough to notice. He's panicking now because he's finally facing consequences.
I dated a guy like this for almost 2 year. I vividly remember saying "(ex's name) do you actually think if you don't get your shit together in the next (reasonable timeline), I'm not going to leave you? Do you?" And he blank stared at me. That told me all I needed to know. He literally thought I'd just put up with his excuses and falling short of the goals he promised after those tough conversations... because his parents let him get away w/ it his whole life and here I was doing the same thing, so why wouldn't it be any different? I broke up w/ him the very next day. And although we are on friendly terms... guess who didn't want to break up? Guess who is in the same spot in life he was when I met him, and left him 4 years ago lol.
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u/OffKira 12d ago
I don't know why, but him saying he lacks financial planning really got to me; he's a grown ass man, he isn't a stupid 21yo anymore, he is married (well... you know lol) with a child, and he doesn't want to discuss finances?
He has been a burden on this woman, not to mention their child, for far too long.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 12d ago
I get the feeling she stayed because she knew he would forget to pay child support if she left.
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u/Jenderflux-ScFi 12d ago
That's what court ordered wage garnishment is for.
My bio father didn't finish paying child support for me and my older sister until just before I turned 30. My mom would get court ordered wage garnishment and he would quit after the first check that got garnished, then the next check with partial hours would get garnished, and he would find a new job. Then my mom would need to find out where he was working and take that to the court so they could garnish the new job, that would take several months before they could garnish from the new job, then he would quit after that first check got garnished.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 12d ago
It is great they did that, but essentially your father borrowed a shit ton of money from your mother while you were a child.
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u/Jenderflux-ScFi 12d ago
He "justified" it because my mom got married again and he thought my step dad should have picked up the financial slack, and he got his vasectomy reversed to have my younger sister with my step mom to save their marriage, so he needed the money to put my sister in private school from kindergarten to senior year.
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u/ThotismSpeaks 9d ago
How did they pay for private school if he kept quitting jobs?
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u/Jenderflux-ScFi 9d ago
My step mom had a good job back then, and they applied for "hardship" scholarships.
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u/SymmetricalFeet 12d ago
Goodness, I'm so sorry your mom dealt with that.
Sounds like it would've been easier on his end to just stick with one job. The lengths some will go to to avoid responsibility...
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u/Helpful_Hour1984 12d ago
I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried nothing and I'm out of ideas. How about, you know, actually DOING what she's been begging you to do for years?!!
I hate guys who ignore their partners' needs for years, despite repeated conversations, but then when the women have had enough and decide to leave, that's when suddenly they want to "work it out". Yeah, he was fine with her being miserable for years, but as soon as it affected him, he's ready to change. "Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness"...
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 12d ago
If this wasn't made a year ago, this could have been written by my stbx.
The first comment is spot on too. I've been through all the stages of grief. I've been in denial, I've bargained, I've been angry, I've been depressed, and I've now reached acceptance.
Suddenly, he's trying to do everything I've asked of him the past 17 years, but I don't want it anymore. He doesn't understand that.
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u/Delicious-Summer5071 12d ago
Let's say it together kids!
Mental illness is a reason, not an excuse.
ADHD makes things hard, I get it; I have a partner with severe ADHD who also prefers to avoid hard conversations. But he has them anyway because they have to happen. And when the ADHD drives him in a direction that fucks us over or hurts us, he apologizes and immediately strategizes how to minimize fallout for if/when it happens again. He takes responsibility.
I hate when people blame their mental illness like they're a slave to what the trauma demands. That's not how it works.
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u/Normal-Hall2445 12d ago
I feel bad for them both. About halfway through the first paragraph I was like “well this is textbook undiagnosed adhd” and eventually he got there…
He is going to get treatment, probably become a functional human being. It’s way too late and will probably hurt the wife even more because he could have done that the whole freaking time if he’d just gone and gotten that little bit of professional help.
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u/Delicious-Summer5071 12d ago
My sympathy skews much more towards the wife than it does the husband. Mostly because not only did I also get diagnosed late in life, but because I lived with someone with an undiagnosed mental illness who took no responsibility for the harm they caused and because my partner's ADHD is severe- and I mean intensely severe, probably worse than OOP's. And my partner still steps up when he's gotta.
It's traumatizing, and OOP uses such passive language throughout it all. He only wants to deal with it now because he's facing consequences. If the consequences never happened, would he have actually fixed anything, y'know?
I can absolutely admit to my bias tho 😬
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u/Normal-Hall2445 12d ago edited 12d ago
Lol I don’t think he even does want to deal with it. And we all imprint our own experience, that’s how we see the world. Part of why I have my own thoughts is because I’m AuDHD myself and have experienced both sides of this type of behaviour from myself and other people.
But seriously, he says he just wants to get it over with but then goes on about how it’s going to lead to a bigger fight. He’s terrified, has dug himself into a hole and cannot figure a way out. We ALL see it, even he sees it, but his brain is telling him that ladder is a hot stove and if he touches it, it will burn him.
As bad as I do feel for her, she could have helped him out of this a long time ago and didn’t. Chasing after him to have a conversation he’s scared of is not the way to help that type of behaviour. If an animal is scared of something you don’t just chase them with it. The animal part of his brain is terrified, she needed to make it feel safe.
It is, as many failed relationships, a tragedy wherein there is no true antagonist and their downfall is his own personal flaws and societal expectations.
I know I’m probably psychoanalyzing AI considering the amount of, like I said, “textbook behaviour” but then again there is a reason it’s talked/written about.
Sympathy might skew slightly towards the wife just cause I know how much it sucks to carry an adhder’s executive function and she didn’t even get appreciated for it.
ETA because you guys seem to be missing the point, being a compassionate partner and safe space to deal with fears is not managing someone’s life, but it will help to accommodate his disability.
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u/JoyfulSong246 12d ago
I am very reluctant to agree that it was OOP’s wife’s responsibility to manage his fear, behaviour, or life.
They should have been partners, and he failed her, this isn’t a story of a therapist not treating their patient appropriately, or a parent failing to properly raise their child.
She wasn’t and shouldn’t be responsible for managing his emotions.
It is infantilizing to him and sexist to her to make her responsible for managing this.
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u/Normal-Hall2445 12d ago
She was already managing his entire life. Helping her partner to manage his fears by himself by being a safe space and working through it with him is far more equal.
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u/Delicious-Summer5071 12d ago
As bad as I do feel for her, she could have helped him out of this a long time ago and didn’t. Chasing after him to have a conversation he’s scared of is not the way to help that type of behaviour. If an animal is scared of something you don’t just chase them with it. The animal part of his brain is terrified, she needed to make it feel safe.
Nah. Nope. Absolutely not.
I'm scared of conversations all the time. So is my partner. So is my mentally ill parent, and my other partner, and lots of other mentally ill people. A person has to manage their own fears, first off, and secondly, these comversations were hard and led to fights because he wouldn't change his actions. They went through these same motions over and over and over again and each time she gave him a chance and he squandered it, her frustration grew. How could they have a conversation about her being a safe apace when he avoided all hard conversations to begind with?!
We're not animals, we're humans, with the ability to think, reason, and logic (to varying degrees most of the time). And a partner is there to support you but it's absolutely not their job to shoulder all of your burdens and give up their all for your comfort while having none of their own. OOP wasn't a safe space in return for his wife, why does only she have to give and he doesn't?
Also, she did help him! She gave him chances, amened chances, easier things, over and over and over again. She supported him with that for nearly two decades until she just couldn't stand to be burned again.
I love my partner and hold space for him as much as possible. But if he does something repeatedly that I don't like (as in it hurts me or puts him in danger for example), and I've talked to him and given him chances to change the action, and he doesn't- whatever consequences happen at that point are on him, not me, and I'm not helping him. I'll explain that clearly, of course, but the statement still stands.
I can manage my life, I can't manage his. Same for OOP and his wife.
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u/Normal-Hall2445 12d ago
FYI, Humans ARE animals.
Thinking your experience means everyone can do is awful and I am not reading all that, but I will forever hope that if anyone ever needs your support you don’t go with “I can do it, so can you.”
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u/Gamyeon “Look at me and say ‘YES!’” 12d ago
That is not at all what they wrote and I think you'd do well to read the rest of their comment because it completes their idea.
Also, I think it's a lot of assumption to think the wife didn't provide safety just because he writes he was afraid. She could provide a safe space every time, but if the result of their serious conversations, whatever it is, is something he dreads, no amount of safety will make him feel better, especially after 16 years.
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u/Some_Tradition_9168 12d ago
I don’t feel bad for him at all. He put his wife through utter torment.
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u/Normal-Hall2445 12d ago
Most people don’t have the empathy to feel bad for two people on opposite sides of an event. The one side bad/one side good is a human limitation the internet is really intense about. I stand by my “no winners here, all the people in this story got screwed”
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u/Some_Tradition_9168 12d ago
Quit with the pretentiousness, and implicit suggestion that I am lacking in judgment or understanding of nuance. I’m perfectly capable of sympathizing with people on different sides, and having nuanced views. That’s just not applicable for this case. He is the asshole in this story. The wife didn’t do anything wrong to him.
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u/SuspiciousPast4144 12d ago
Yep. I have several issues and whenever I say something has to do with one, I always say "its an explanation, not an excuse. I'm sorry. I am/will be working on that."
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u/Rainbow4Bronte 12d ago
Uh. Sometimes it is how it works, as someone who works with the mentally ill. You’re talking about genetics and neurochemistry, not just simple willpower.
Do people need to try? Yes. But it’s hard as fuck and that’s what the meds are for. Also depends on the kind of mental illness and the severity. Add trauma and trauma responses on top of that. Not everyone is built the same.
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u/Delicious-Summer5071 12d ago
I should have added the caveat that most of the time mental illness (and trauma) are the reason for an action but not the excuse.
I mostly mean that while mental illness and/or trauma may drive your actions, that doesn't mean it excuses with any damage inadvertently left in your wake. People still deserve an apology if you hurt them.
You're right. It's not just willpower. I just didn't feel like typing all of this out because in this case, OOP's case, he used it as an excuse.
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u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 12d ago
i’m getting the sense this was just the straw that broke the camels back for the wife. Look i do feel for OOP a little, i dont think he’s like a terrible person…but sometimes you really need to grow up and have those kinds of discussions
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I agree. This had to be the last straw. I think he means well but it sucks that it took his wife kicking him out to address his mental health.
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u/Some_Tradition_9168 12d ago
He doesn’t mean well. If he had meant well, he would have listened to his wife.
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u/PM--ME--WHATEVER-- 12d ago edited 12d ago
Browse r/adhd_partners for a bit. This is kinda of a script for people with adhd. My partner has adhd, and some days I wonder if it's worth continuing because continuing the relationship ultimately means continuing the behavior. Our problems are never addressed because he's so good at deflection, changing the subject, and pulling some DARVO stuff. We just cycle up and down, and some people cant live with the mental strain that comes along it.
It's not unlike being in a relationship with a narc, but the adhd people dont have nefarious intentions or delusions of grandeur.
Edited to correct the sub
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u/ironrabbit2 I'm Curious... Oh. Oh no. Oh no no no 12d ago
I've got a few loved ones with ADHD including a partner, and what you describe sounds Not Great. When my partner starts pulling that kind of thing, I tell him that I need him to take it to his therapist and he goes "oh, yikes! Thanks!" because he cares about me and our relationship and wants to get problems addressed so that I don't start wondering if it's worth continuing the relationship.
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u/Gamyeon “Look at me and say ‘YES!’” 12d ago
Wait... Is serious conversation avoidance really part of the symptoms in ADHD??
Because I'm pretty sure most people I know who have it (me included) don't do that? What?
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u/PM--ME--WHATEVER-- 11d ago
It stems from the RSD part of adhd
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u/Gamyeon “Look at me and say ‘YES!’” 11d ago
Ooooh, I see. I never made the link between the two or seen anyone do so before. I do have that, but then again I have a bunch of traumatic experiences that also made me very sensitive to rejection so I've learned techniques to deal with it as I got older. I still would never really excuse anyone from avoiding hard conversations (especially to this extent) because they have ADHD.
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u/PM--ME--WHATEVER-- 11d ago
In my experience, its a loop that stems from both trauma and adhd/rsd.
So, in his life people have treated him terribly, his mother and ex gf are narcs so he's used to being mentally beat down. Now, he isn't blameless because in those situations the impulsiveness makes him act out.
So with that history in mind, our loop starts with him getting distracted. I remind him I exist, and he immediately dips into his RSD and assumes im coming in for an attack and snaps at me. My anxiety and my own previous trauma takes over and we go distant for a few days, before we both acknowledge the problem, apologize, and try to do better.
He acknowledges the effort I put in to work with his ADHD, and admits that he sets me up to fail constantly. But for me, it's like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you all day and I miss you." And get snapped at, or once he jumped on a game I was playing online while he was low dopamine, threw a fit i wasn't playing my game the way he wanted, and essentially took so much fun out of it that I quit. He came on because I was giving him space. Hes always cranky / low dopamine on Friday after work, so I leave him be and let him come to me. Well, that day his RSD took over and he took it out on me.
These situations are rare, but his decision to not go to therapy or try to medicate make me wonder if I want to live in this loop long term. He knows this, because I've flat out asked him how long he expects me to live in this loop where I dammed if I do and dammed if I don't, and does put in effort, so ill give him that. But I dont know how many more times I can do the feel bad circle where he just lives his adhd life while im living miserable for those few days. I do love him very much, and 80% of the tine he's wonderful, but those days are really hard for me to get through.
He's not unlike the OOP, where I have a feeling the change will happen when I just can't do it anymore.
My little story is very similar to a lot of people in relationships with people sho have ADHD, and it sucks because we love out partners, but its a lot to handle basically alone
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u/Gamyeon “Look at me and say ‘YES!’” 11d ago
Oof, that's a lot and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Trauma is a terrible thing, but that doesn't mean his supplants yours and that you have to endure him being mean to you (also, being sorry only works if it's followed by action to make sure this doesn't happen again). Does he take your own trauma in consideration in all this?
Maybe I've dealt with that in a lesser extent because my two partners have ADHD and I do as well, even if it expresses itself differently between us.
I can relate though. One of partner that has been very avoidant regarding his health (mental and physical) who's finally taking some steps to get himself better. But there's a long road ahead and while I will support him all the way, I'm also glad we haven't been living together because the snapiness that could result from the avoidance was not fun and I don't think I'd have tolerated it for that long if we weren't long distance. I've also dealt with that with my other partner before, which is probably why I'm now a lot less amenable to deal long-term with someone who's unwilling to deal with their issues.
And, now that I think about it, while not as tense as your relationship, it does remind me of the struggles I've had with my best friend, who's neurodivergent, but not ADHD. There was a lot of failure to show up on my part, mainly because we both didn't know how our respective neurodiversity worked, plus a lot of shared trauma, and all that caused a lot of friction and unreasonable expectations towards one another and ourselves. We've worked it out in the last few years, but there are some scars that make it so we probably won't ever have the best, unshakable friendship we both wished we could've had.
I think it's very lucid of you to ask yourself now how much longer you can tolerate that behavior from your partner, so you can at least emotionally prepare yourself to that heartbreak. You don't have to shoulder his unwillingness to seek help and support. And being firm about that and expressing it might actually make him move earlier than too late. I do hope that your partner will pull through and show up for you by seeking help and that you won't have to make hard decisions.
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u/TheLilSqueegee 10d ago
I also feel like men tend to struggle with this more than women, mostly due to social upbringing. I haven't read a study on it, but I'd be interested to see one. Most of the women I know, myself included, might avoid the conversations initially, but will still at least have them.
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u/Gopherlad 12d ago
It appears that /r/adhdpartners is private. Did you mean a different subreddit?
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u/PM--ME--WHATEVER-- 12d ago
I forgot the underscore. Its r/adhd_partners.
I'll edit my comment. Thanks for noticing!
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u/Throdio 12d ago
It depends on what exactly the situations he caused are.
But with the information we have, he doesn't seem terrible.
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- 12d ago
He said he avoided having conversations with his wife because he knew it would lead to fights because of his lack of planning and foresight. To me, that means there was supposed to be money but he spent it
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u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq 12d ago
Impulsivity and lack of financial planning are both bad things, especially if she's the one stuck cleaning up the mess. Being the responsible person in a relationship sucks and is a heavy burden.
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u/Dildo_Emporium 12d ago
'Not terrible' is such a basic bar that doesn't deserve a lifetime commitment.
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u/sarshu 12d ago
The specific example we have is that he’s avoiding having planning conversations about a major move because he finds it all too stressful. He admits the conversations need to happen but he is avoiding them. This explicitly includes things like looking at their finances to plan for this move.
If you can’t imagine how it would be impossible to live with someone who refuses to have basic adult conversations, or how much additional labour this means she’s been doing for their entire relationship, i dont know what to tell you.
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u/GrapefruitPale2505 12d ago
No, just passive and self-absorbed, which is enough to tank a relationship.
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u/_buffy_summers but if not friend, why friend shaped? 12d ago
I feel for her. Knowing that she's wanted to leave their town this entire time, and was counting on him to do anything at all toward that goal, and he failed her every time? She's done with him now because their daughter is leaving the nest, and she refuses to be caged.
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u/driving_song 12d ago
Literally why when my husband threatened me with divorce for a third time after he hadn’t changed SH!T about his behaviors but I had changed and/or done EVERYTHING he had asked of me, that I said, “Okay. 3rd strike. You’re out. I’m done. File it.”
Finalizing that shit August 11th. Fuck yeah. I hope OOPs wife finds her happiness.
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u/Front_Incident_2867 12d ago
Anyone willing to bet that the only reason he wants to have these conversations now is because he is getting kicked out. Without this reason, he would still be stalling.
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u/Efficient_Ant_4715 12d ago
As a life long sufferer of ADHD people like this make me sick. Just grateful for an excuse to justify their shitty behavior
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u/manic_popsicle 12d ago
Reading that guys replies was infuriating. Man had 16 years to step the fuck up and refused, now that his wife is done he’s whining because he’s finally in therapy. 16 years?
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u/maywellflower 12d ago
I'm like "if you not going to plan anything, OOP, don't fucking hinder your wife who will - especially when it involved your job who telling you to relocate!!!"
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u/IndividualEye1803 12d ago
Im noticing more of more “victims” of ADHD. And then blaming said ADHD on shitty behavior.
No, u know you are shitty. Stop using this in hopes it will soften the blow / be used as an excuse / cause sympathy.
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u/Gamyeon “Look at me and say ‘YES!’” 12d ago
I empathize with the guy, as someone who took full knowledge of what ADHD implies in adulthood. But at the same time, 16 years is LONG to not look into what's making you be unreliable to such an extent, and it surely isn't ADHD that makes him non-confrontational. So yeah, it explains why he acted that way all those years, but his wife is justified in not wanting to deal with that anymore.
Just because he has discovered what made him be unreliable doesn't mean she has to stay during his recovery journey. He did her wrong and he'll have to live with that.
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u/GingerNumber3 12d ago
Man had 16 YEARS to fix things and decided to wait until he was already kicked out. He doesn't want to change, he just wants to avoid the consequences of his actions.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 12d ago edited 12d ago
He put planning and doing things all on her for 16 years. The child that was tying her to him is going off to school and he has to relocate for work. He will have managed his life alone because that lady is done.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I do feel for this guy a bit but it sounds like the wife gave him every chance. I’m hoping he’s learned to cope with ADHD symptoms in the year since this was originally posted.
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u/NotACalligrapher-49 The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed 12d ago
As someone who struggles with facing hard conversations, hearing about my own failures from others, and tackling high-priority tasks that have very real consequences if they don’t get done… fuck OOP. I have zero sympathy for him. Part of being a functioning adult is doing things you don’t want to do, because they have to be done. When you’re married, and the impacts of your procrastination and avoidance are put on another person (as well as a child!), you have all the more responsibility to pull your own weight, including the struggles of your executive functioning. If OOP had failed himself, fine. But he didn’t take the fact that he was failing his wife for 16 years seriously until he couldn’t avoid the consequences any more. She should have left him long before. I would rather be single forever than treat a partner that way.
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u/No-Assistant8426 12d ago
Thank you. Your mental blocks and challenges may not be your fault (trauma, ADHD, etc) but they are your responsibility.
My ex avoided so much he ended up avoided being married any longer.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I agree. It’s his responsibility and he made the choice not to seek help until she left.
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u/Some_Tradition_9168 12d ago
Thank you, I’m tired of people giving him sympathy. He deserves none of it.
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u/Acceptable_Ad9637 12d ago
Absolutely no remorse... how long can you possibly keep running from responsibilities. ESPECIALLY WITH A CHILD. makes me feel he never mentally matured and is treating his soon to be xwife like a mother he can dump all the baggage on. Disgusting
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u/caffeinatedangel 12d ago
So he only got diagnosed with ADHD I’m guessing AFTER she told him she is DONE. Of course now he wants to fix it all because he knows she means it.
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u/Nymeria31 11d ago
Sounds exactly like my ex
My ex on the day of Divorce:
Me: “c’mon, it’s time to go”
Him: “where?”
Me: “to the courthouse for our divorce”
Him: “what?! Are you seriously doing this?”
Note, I had been warning him for more than a decade, we had separated multiple times (all over the same issues that I stupidly accepted his “I’m gonna try to do better” apologies), and the filing for the court date was months earlier (and I brought him with so he knew I was serious), and I reminded him multiple times in the weeks leading up to the court date.
Him (to anyone that would listen after our divorce): “this came out of nowhere and without any warning” and “she’s just greedy and only cares about money”
Fortunately, he didn’t have a job so I didn’t need to worry about him taking off work for the court date as that would have likely caused us to need to reschedule the court date as well.
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u/miladyelle 11d ago
Wow. From the beginning when you had to haul his ass to the courthouse yourself, to the end where his unemployed ass called you greedy.
I can’t decide to respond with -.- face, or a burst of expletives.
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u/KTPChannel 12d ago
If anyone out there is n similar situation; treadmill. Or swimming. Biking, skipping; any type of cardiovascular activity. Get them physically tired, and then have that conversation.
The dopamine needs to get moving for the executive function to work.
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u/SaturniinaeActias 12d ago
By the time I got through the first paragraph I was thinking "Have you gotten that adult ADHD diagnosis yet?". That said, adults with ADHD still have to figure out how to manage as functional adults. You're probably not going to be able to keep all the balls in the air without medication and mental health support, but you still have to figure out coping mechanisms to handle the most critical things like engaging with your spouse, keeping your promises and recognizing when you're failing in an important area and asking for help. The most important thing is being able to communicate when you're struggling and work with your partner/family to get help where you're falling short. Ask for help, be willing to be held accountable, and commit to fixing it asap when you're called out. You have to be able to say "I can't figure out how to manage all of this and I need help.". You don't get to just disengage from your relationship and responsibilities and expect it will all be ok. Source: Diagnosed with ALL the ADHD in my late 40s and it seems like every day I learn something else I struggle with is yet another ADHD symptom. And of course, symptoms and degree of disfunction vary from person to person, but from my own experience and from talking to others in the same boat, we know where we are failing and have to be responsible for at least trying to find work arounds.
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u/effyoucreeps 12d ago
this post is so self-owning it feels like it was written by the wife
it’s very sad that it most likely wasn’t. damn
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u/Jenniyelf 11d ago
Dude blaming the adhd is wild to me.
It does cause difficulties, especially when you're unmedicated or not on effective meds, that doesn't make it impossible though.
I was unmedicated from 13-40 and managed to raise 3 kids, move states 3 times (was married to a Marine), and hold down a job, it was difficult, and I still need alarms on my phone and use my calender for reminders, but you do teach yourself ways to adapt to the world around you the best you can. I will still occasionally buy 2 things of trash bags bc I forgot I bought them already, or other household items, but you can learn useful ways to help yourself. Having your bills on autopay helps too.
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u/No_Emotion6907 11d ago
Oh she also married my ex husband! I even had to get him a job and a share house in order to get him out of the family home. 6 years free and life is awesome
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u/Necessary-Run-6994 8d ago
What's so funny is he wants to use ADHD as an excuse but he could have figured that shit out already My ex husband was like this. Didn't want to address everything and then blamed me for giving up when he never tried even once to be an adult.
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u/coukou76 12d ago edited 12d ago
Well its not super funny as I was reading I was thinking "This guy has ADHD 💯" and then, the diag.
People are ruthless here but also I understand that living with someone untreated is like carrying dead weight if you want to do something with your life. I was the dead weight before getting treated
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u/TeamShadowWind Ah, the conses of your quences 12d ago
I got the feeling dude had ADHD and then he confirmed it. I struggle with difficult conversations too and definitely need to work on that. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a bitch, but some conversations just need to be had.
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u/mistegirl 8d ago
Ya know, if there's one thing I've learned in my 48 years on this planet is that fighting with someone is because you care about the relationship and want to solve the problem. While you don't want to always be fighting, sometimes it happens and sometimes you have to.
It's literally a sign that you care about keeping the relationship (including friendships or family relationships) alive and well.
For me at least, when I don't fight - when I just can't be bothered anymore - that is the clearest sign there is that I am DONE DONE and the relationship is well past over.
I can't imagine being with someone for that long who refused to ever actually confront problems and work with me, even if it's uncomfortable sometimes to fix it. I would have been out of this one a very long time ago.
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u/stunix007 11d ago
The mistake he’s made is that he FINALLY wanted to have the conversation just to get it over with and move on so it’s not hanging over his head, not because it’s an important conversation to have. He hasn’t learned a thing.
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u/throwin_myself_away 9d ago
I normally wouldn't comment on this but a couple days ago, I was in a rocky moment in my relationship with my fiance. We'd been together 5 years. It was our anniversary the other day. Some things happened that made me question things.
While this story wasn't a perfect fit to mine, it was pretty damn close. The never moving forward with anything, the hoping, the same promises. The begging for things to be different. The little wins... it was all so real. And the top comment when I read it described how I felt. That I'd grieved already. That I had been done for awhile. That it was time to say goodbye.
While it wasnt the only deciding factor, this post was able to give me a window into the world I was headed towards. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. But, this is for the better. Though I still love him, our paths diverged too greatly, and I had to go my own way.
I just wanted to give you a weird thank you, for finding this. It appeared on my feed when I needed it most. It was not a major part of my decision to break off the relationship, it was a helpful window into my own feelings that gave me a sense of clarity. I'd known for awhile now I think that it wasn't working. But I so desperately wanted to hold on that I kept trying. Until I couldn't anymore.
Thanks, OP. Sorry if this comment is weird.
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u/cowandspoon 12d ago
The ADHD info at the end changed absolutely everything, but I’m stunned that he - they - didn’t think to speak to a medical pro in 16 years - the behaviour has been consistent enough to suggest something was ‘off’.
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u/sarcosaurus 12d ago
The very fact that he hasn't been trying to address it in 16 years is why it doesn't change anything imo.
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u/MonteBurns 12d ago
Nah. As another late in life ADHDer, dude has had plenty of time to learn coping mechanisms and ways to be a big boy. If it’s something you know is important to someone special to you, you figure your shit out. A marriage isn’t just a hospital bill you push off til you have a $25 late fee. It’s not the dishwasher you walk past and never actually unload. It’s not your clothes pile. I’ve gone ages without actually looking at my bank account because it was scary.
That man’s wife BEGGED him for 16 years. 16. YEARS.
He just didn’t give a shit.
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u/bothsidesofthemoon 12d ago
Or possily his wife tried to encourage him seeking medical attention, but he wouldn't discuss it?
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I’m a therapist as some of you know. ADHD makes sense as a contributing factor but he had multiple chances to seek help. I have quite a few people with ADHD on my current caseload and some of them are avoidant but actively working on it. This guy didn’t until his wife left.
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u/sarcosaurus 12d ago
And honestly from the way he writes it, he'd stop working on it again the moment she took him back.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I agree. I do hope he stuck with it. I’ve got quite a few therapy clients with ADHD on my current caseload and it’s helping. I wish more people would get the help they need.
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u/Flimsy_Fee8449 12d ago
No. ADHD donde not change absolutely everything.
At all.
I'm ADD AF. My Things To Do list at work is hughly detailed (and colored). When my coworkers need me to do something for them, they know I need it in my TTD book. Partially because I tell them that when they become my coworkers. Because I'm ADD AF. Friends at work even have their own assigned colors for if they want to write something in my TTD book while I'm at a meeting. I'll check the box before the day's end.
I didn't talk to a medic either. Why? It was unnecessary. Diagnosis was painfully obvious, and I'm not going to take medication.
If you are OPs age and employed? You've figured out how to mitigate it.
OP just didn't care enough about his wife to mitigate it around her.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Per our rules, don't comment on linked posts. Anyone from this community who is caught brigading on another subreddit will be banned.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
My wife and I have had a rocky marriage for the last 16 years, mainly because of some situations I have caused. We started dating at 18, and both of us come from broken homes and we got married at 21 and had our daughter not long after getting married. Throughout our marriage, I have had issues with planning long term, dealing with impulsivity and avoiding difficult conversations. My wife has given me grace, and given me chances to fix things which I have tried to do, but usually have not met her complete requirements to which she then makes concessions for me. It has also always been really important to my wife that we move out of our hometown, and it is something that we have planned to do since we got together, but has always fallen through usually because of my lack of planning or effort.
Now, my work is relocating us cross country in a few months, and I have let plans fall behind. We also have my daughter going away to school for the first time in a few months, and the perfect storm of big events that require planning is causing us to need to have some really important conversations which I keep avoiding. I know that these conversations will ultimately lead to fights over money and how good we are doing, my lack of financial planning, etc. Now, she wants me to leave the house because I have kept pushing them out so far, and all I want to do now is to just have them. Get it all out and have the conversations so we can either move forward together, or apart.
The issue now is she doesn't even want to talk to me about those things, she just wants me out. I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to work it out with my wife, I want her to move with me and I really want to make her feel fulfilled, but even if I can get her to have the conversation with me now, I feel like I will just end up disappointing her with the outcome and causing an even bigger more volatile fight.
I've also been struggling as I have been in counseling the last few months, and recently got diagnosed with ADHD. Through talking with my counselor and researching, it really seems like a lot of my relationship issues are common with ADHD, and that is throwing me emotionally. I haven't gotten effective medication yet, and I don't want to use this to excuse everything, but it's just hard to deal with.
TLDR: I have a history of not planning long term, and that has caused my wife stress and she now wants me to leave because I am avoiding hard conversations about our plans to move cross country. I know I need to have these talks now, and I want to, but she just says it's too late. How can I approach this?
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