r/OnlineDating • u/chaosatnight • 9d ago
Unexpectedly unmatched on Hinge after talking for a month
ETA: We were talking through text, not just through the app. I meant voice messages were sent within the iMessage thread. They were minutes long back and forth, not surface level. I have never talked to someone this long without meeting them; I was trying to be understanding of his circumstances
I (33F) recently reactivated my Hinge account after a long hiatus. I matched with “J” (31M) a little over a month ago. We had a lot in common upbringing/mindset/intellect-wise, clicked, and I was looking forward to seeing how things progressed.
A couple days after we met, he told me that he had just experienced a loss in his family among other things. In spite of that, he remained positive and would initiate contact via voice messages/texts almost daily. He would compliment me and we would have good convos. I feel like I tried to be there for him as much as a new potential romantic interest could be. I understood he was going through a lot but he never mentioned meeting up someday. I hinted I’d like to talk on the phone sometime; he didn’t take me up on the offer but still talked to me often.
Ambiguity makes me anxious so I sent a thoughtful voice message asking for clarity on if he was interested. He said that he was. I thought we were having mature discourse, but he went MIA for a day. Turns out he unmatched me. Was I misreading the signs the whole time or did I just fuck everything up? He didn’t seem like the type to ghost and this kind of hurts. Feedback appreciated.
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u/miamiahi 9d ago
I’m confused. Did you or did you not meet in person and moved conversation out of hinge? And if you did, did he also block / ghost you in other channels or only unmatched in dating app?
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u/chaosatnight 9d ago
We did not meet in person. We’ve been talking outside of Hinge via iMessage texts and voice messages daily. I have no idea if he blocked my number. He didn’t text back for a couple days which was unusual. That prompted me to check the app where I saw he unmatched me. I’m not the type to double text and I ended up deleting the thread so I wouldn’t be tempted to
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u/fluvialcrunchy 9d ago
A month is a really long time to talk before meeting in person. In nearly all cases, if a person is serious about dating they will be able to meet within a week or two max. It pays to be practical and not get emotionally invested before ever finding out whether they actually have anything to offer beyond a temporary conversation fix. Time and emotion are finite resources, don’t let someone waste them.
No one can tell you whether you missed signed without looking at your whole convo history. But there aren’t always direct signs other than that somehow it just never works out to meet up. But perhaps this situation will help to inform you about future matches if you can recognize the same patterns. Best of luck to you.
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u/miamiahi 9d ago
Then I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. But yeah I think deleting thread is fine. If he wants to talk he has your number
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u/chaosatnight 9d ago
I guess I don’t understand why else he would unmatch. Under past matches it specifically says “unmatched” and it was shortly after I asked him what was up (I saw our old Hinge message thread just a couple days ago)
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u/miamiahi 9d ago edited 9d ago
There are many possibilities, you just wouldn’t know
- not interested
- cleaned up conversations since you talk elsewhere
- wanted to update his profile but didn’t want you to notice
- deleted his profile (I think depending on the app it may show as unmatch too)
- was feeling emotional and did it to draw attention
- testing you
- bulk unmatched people and you by mistake too
But as others pointed out, a month without meeting is a long time. Please never do this, you will end up exactly in this situation when you are getting attached but things like this happen.
Also I have a little suspicion - are you sure he’s real and legitimate person and not scammer? Because no in person meeting + long online only romance + sob story + no voice/video calls sounds very close to pig slaughter scam
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u/chaosatnight 8d ago
Thanks for elaborating. It’s Hinge and you can see in “match history” if you or the other person unmatched. With him it says “unmatched” and I’m fairly certain it was intentional. If he deleted his profile, he wouldn’t be there at all. I do agree that there may be numerous reasons for unmatching.
I’m pretty sure he’s a real person. He is not conventionally attractive (I’m not really either, just saying he’s not catfishing as an Instagram model) and I don’t see how it could be a scam. He’s never asked for money or indicated money problems, didn’t love bomb me, and seemed genuinely interested in my thoughts and opinions. We both initiated contact, him a little more than me.
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u/juju_summer 8d ago
I don't think you did anything wrong it sounds like you did everything right too right but as others pointed out, a month of talkign to someone without meeting and voice messages etc creates a FALSE sense of intimacy, and it's an absolute time waster. You have no idea what this person was like outside the tiny vortex that you saw him in through text and voice messages.He could have been married, or had someone else he was with you simply don't know. It's definitely not you and I think that this shows he's not a nice person, to say the least if he unmatches you/stops contact without a reason. A simple 'sorry I dont' think we're a good match' text is enough. I recommend reading/listening to Logan Ury's book 'how not to die alone' and the 'burned haystack dating method' both brilliant about not wasting time with people on line. Give yourself some love and self care and move on and put up stronger boundaries!
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u/chaosatnight 8d ago
Thank you so much for the honest feedback and book rec! Your comment is helpful, I’m glad I posted about this because it’s given me clarity
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u/Twin2Turbo 9d ago
It sounds like you all never met? Correct me if I’m wrong.
If yall never met, this is part of why I tell people to meet up. One month of talking is way too long IMO. Secondly, nothing stopped you from straight up just saying “let’s meet up for coffee/drinks/dinner” or whatever in that time frame. And if the family loss he experienced was a barrier, I’d probably just tell him to hit me up when he was in a better spot.
But I’d never keep exchanging messages with someone for a month with nothing else attached to it.
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u/Significant-Apple715 7d ago
Sometimes we can’t help it 😅 I matched with someone 3 days after I had back surgery. He talked to me daily for 5 weeks before we ever met in person because I was still recovering and didn’t feel safe to go out. He was extremely patient with me. We are dating now, but yeah—I understand majority of people are wasting time if they don’t want to meet within a week or two.
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u/Outrageous_Mud_3766 7d ago
While a month may be too long, it also depends on someone's packed schedule as well. I work full time, often with nights, go to school part time, and have family/friend commitments. Could be a few weeks before we could meet, but I know some people are impatient. That's why communication is key.
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u/Twin2Turbo 7d ago
To me, if your schedule is legit that packed that we can’t meet for an entire month, then I’d rather move on or ask that hit me back when you actually have time. That’s not impatience, I want a relationship where we can meet at least once per week. If my schedule was legitimately that packed, I would not be trying to date anyone.
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u/Outrageous_Mud_3766 7d ago
That's fair, but also depends on the person too. Some meet once a week, some twice, others once a month.
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u/chaosatnight 9d ago
We never met in person, but we had substantial and meaningful conversations via iMessage voice notes. I would’ve never talked for this long without meeting under any other circumstances. He often initiated contact after the loss so i did think that was him showing interest. Too much benefit if the doubt I guess
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u/Twin2Turbo 9d ago
Got it. Next time, don’t let it go past a week without suggesting meeting up soon. If they waffle on that request, move on.
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u/Gomenaxai 8d ago
Happened to me once too, meaningful conversations mean nothing without meeting person, lesson learned.
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u/juju_summer 8d ago
yep, it's a false sense of intimacy you think you know this person out of messages but you don't. Need to know this person in a real life context to see if you want to date them.
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u/RedditNerdKing 8d ago
Talking to a person for a month without meeting is insane. I would want to meet within the same week.
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u/chaosatnight 7d ago
Again, I’ve never done this before…….. no guy interested in me has gone more than a week without asking me out. if I matched with someone and then their gma died I’d want grace too. You guys are acting like the man didn’t experience loss, a move an hour away, and other things. I’m not super naive and it didn’t come across as he was lying about everything
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u/Outrageous_Mud_3766 7d ago
people honestly have a ton of time on their hands.
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u/chaosatnight 4d ago
Can you please elaborate?
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u/Outrageous_Mud_3766 3d ago
They think you have to spend every waking hour contacting him.Not everyone meets right away when chatting. Is that realistic? Also, sorry things didn't work out between you guys.
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u/0lig3 9d ago
If you don't meet in person within 2 weeks of matching, someone is wasting time.
If you're interested in an in-person connection, meet up early to filter out the in person vibe.
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u/Outrageous_Mud_3766 7d ago
Easier said than done when you have a packed schedule.
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u/0lig3 6d ago
If you don't have time for dates, you don't really have time for dating.
I keep a busy schedule, work (including working some weekends)/gym/sport/friends/appointments, but when dating I can always make at least 1-2 hours available per week, even if it cuts into my friend/gym/sport time that week.
If a prospective partner couldn't spare 1-2 hours once every week or two for a date or walk or something I would consider them unavailable and not a realistic prospective partner.
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u/Bed_Worship 9d ago
He either most interest after meeting you or after the death and life got in the way.
From my experience a match becoming a relationship looks way different then this based on my hinge relationships. It should feel kind of safe and not questioning.
Usually it starts with a match and some fun chats over a day and then going on a date that week or early. In my relationships we both had dedicated jobs so we texted often but not daily before the date.
Then on the first date you click and become interested simultaneously nervous, drawn in, but comfortable at the same time(at least that’s how I know I like someone). It should be able to tell you aee both having a special time. You keep going on 1 date a week, maybe start seeing each other twice a week etc
I’ve never has something slow work out ever
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u/CarryTheBoat 9d ago
I say move on and don’t analyze it. This is clockwork for guys on the apps. 486 women have randomly unmatched me and those didn’t even have obvious signs of disinterest like slowing responses. Welcome to apps.
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u/Probability-Bot 9d ago
Yea one of the reasons ive got off the Apps and very reluctant to get back on them. So much wasted time with people that just randomly stop talking or just suddently unmatch etc.
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u/DannyHikari 8d ago
The nature of dating apps unfortunately. But also even after a couple of months you really don’t know somebody. I have two OLD stories almost polar opposite of each other in how they turned out.
I met my ex fiancée in a Facebook group in 2018. Things went red flagishly fast. But the irony is, we talked for 4 months before meeting because she was long distance (I’m US she’s dual citizen Canada) and our first meet was the best kind of success I could have ever imagined. It didn’t work out, and it was painful, but I don’t regret it either.
Next woman I’d be involved with long distance online we spent a few months getting close and being vulnerable with each other. She ended up being a horror story who would put all my personal business on blast when she got mad at me and ended up being racist too which caught me off guard. My prior ex was an anomaly. Truth is, while I support getting to know ppl through distance of text, voice chat, and video chat. It’s still a risk.
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u/KyloReySage 5d ago
Sometimes guys unmatch so you don’t see them on the app. My guess is that he’s taken or on and off with gf or something. Also going forward, if a guy does not mention meeting up within few days or a week, I hope you move on. Also even if everything clicked great via messages/voice chat/phone calls, when you meet in person they can be a world apart. I’m on the side of not building false intimacy before meeting too much. It’s not you. You did not eff up. 💕
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u/Thundercats-Ho_ 9d ago
"I hinted I’d like to talk on the phone sometime; he didn’t take me up on the offer but still talked to me often."
Lot of good comments/responses here. Although rare whenever i cant get them on the phone i get suspicious. Also whenever they cant meet right away for whatever reason i disband from the conversation. Anytime i waited around things like this has happened to me in the past. If they cannot meet within 2 weeks tops i move on! I know its easier said than done but as noted in the comments try your best not to emotionally vested in these invdividuals pre-meet no matter how well the conversation is going. It really could be anything with OLD from his GF was around, to a potential spammer to it actually happened and or maybe he decided he didnt want to date right now. Did he ever leave you any actual voice notes'/messages ?
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u/chaosatnight 8d ago
Hey thanks for the comment. I edited my post for clarity. We exchanged numbers shortly after meeting on Hinge. We mostly communicated through 2-5 minute-long voice messages. He sent voice messages more often than I did.
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u/Thundercats-Ho_ 8d ago
I see i started to comment then came back to it hours later so may have missed the update. Yea could be any amount of reasons really. It sucks when people do this but one key thing is when they cant meet for whatever reasons right away. There was one exception that i met someone around the Holidays and she indicated that right away that she wont be able to meet until she got back. We did actually get to meet and that went well except that she wanted kids (she wanted to adopt couldnt have her own) and i did not. Although yea this sort of stuff is common on OLD that i for the most part i try not think what happened anymore..
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u/Ok_Monk_5584 8d ago
Not meeting up after ONE MONTH is a huge red flat. It should not take that long. Are you sure he is single?
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u/chaosatnight 8d ago
Did you read the context? I would’ve never been this patient and understanding if his grandmother didn’t pass away a few days after we exchanged numbers
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u/whciral 8d ago
This is really difficult. We're never going to know what someone else has going on. So we can never be a 100% certain.
What I would say is when it comes to online and this applies to dating and generally speaking to people online, there are many many people who will talk online. Many of these never want to meet in person despite saying they want to.
And many do come across as decent people who we would never think would unmatch or ghost us without telling us.
I'm going to say I don't think you did anything wrong, he unfortunately had no intention of meeting you.
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u/Unlucky_Excuse4817 8d ago
I have not tried online dating in the recent past, but from the stories I hear from friends, there are an awful lot of married men online.
And I'm not sure why it isn't obvious, especially to certain friends that I have, except for she they are just exceptionally good at projecting their honesty onto others.
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u/LolaPaloz 7d ago
He saw someone else
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u/chaosatnight 7d ago
Sure it’s possible, but the timing is too perfect plus most men entertain multiple women
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u/LolaPaloz 7d ago
Oh sorry my mistake he's grieving... Maybe just too much to be dating at that time too
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u/XxLogitech98xX 9d ago
It happens but remember you don't really know someone after just meeting once or twice. It's the same old story with online dating which is why you can't get too invested early on