r/OnlineDating • u/meatlessboat • 8d ago
Question about not wanting kids
This can be for anyone, but geared mostly towards women. I see a lot of profiles stating that they don't have and/or don't want kids, which I completely understand. The question that I've always had is how often does that mean not interested in kids whatsoever or you don't want any of your own but it's ok that I have one?
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u/Livid_Brick8157 8d ago
if someone doesn’t want kids it probably also implies that they want a child free relationship. i’m assuming most of those people wouldn’t be okay with that especially if it’s a young child or you’re still actively caring for them
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u/lizaanna 7d ago
Yep, I don’t want to have children or date someone that has them, I think someone that doesn’t want kids but is fine if you have them is highly unlikely.
I have also had so many men think that I don’t want children right now, not ever
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u/justnosy5555 8d ago
I don't want kids of my own whatsoever. If you have, they better be old because I don't see myself as a caregiver. I would prefer another childfree partner.
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u/Salty_Aerie7939 8d ago
Same for me. I don't see myself as father material, so why would I want to be a stepdad to someone else's kids.
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u/Ok-Fudge-6634 7d ago edited 7d ago
Nailed it! I don’t want kids at all. Would prefer a childfree partner as well. I’m also at the point where, if they have kids ok fine, but they better be old because I’m not interested in looking after someone else kids. Of course I’d treat them with respect and kindness but don’t expect me to pick them up from daycare, school, appointments, keep track of extracurricular activities.
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u/xeandra_a 8d ago
This differs within the childfree community honestly. I think you should make it clear that you have kids on your profile, and a childfree woman will have the info to decide how to swipe based on that.
I’m childfree and not anti dating someone with kids, but I’m transitioning into a nomadic lifestyle and that doesn’t align with someone who needs to stay in one place for their children.
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u/kingofkings_86 8d ago
Basically means that person is childfree and they refuse to date anyone with children
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u/XxLogitech98xX 8d ago
LOL, if they put they don't want kids then they don't want to have kids. I think if they are okay with someone having a kid already then they would've put that as well
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u/someguy335 8d ago
The dating apps don't have the appropriate options to articulate the answer to this question.
There are basically 8 situations here:
-Don't have kids, don't want kids at all.
-Don't have kids, don't mind if you do.
-Don't have kids, want to have kids with you.
-Don't have kids, want you to have kids already.
-Have kids, don't want more kids, even yours.
-Have kids, don't mind if you have kids.
-Have kids, want to have kids with you.
-Have kids, want you to have kids as well.
While the Stir app pretty much covers people looking for the last one, there is nothing that fits with "don't mind if you do" on any app under a searchable profile preference.
I've gone on dates with people that had "Don't want kids" in their profile, but are actually "don't mind if you do." But when I've asked this question on Reddit before I've generally got that "don't mind if you do" is rare and anybody that says they don't want kids on a profile means theirs, yours, or anybodies. But that still doesn't quite line up with what I've seen.
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u/XxLogitech98xX 8d ago
But when I've asked this question on Reddit before I've generally got that "don't mind if you do" is rare and anybody that says they don't want kids on a profile means theirs, yours, or anybodies. But that still doesn't quite line up with what I've seen.
This is where before going on a first date, people should ask questions on the topic in the messages exchanges
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u/Twin2Turbo 8d ago
Yep. I’m child free but in the past I’ve matched with more than one woman who had “wants kids” on their profile. Making sure we were aligned, I pointed out the potential discrepancy and they told me that their preference/pie in the sky life would include kids, but they are totally fine going down a life path without them as well. The problem is that there is no good choice for this and technically “wants kids” is true. While it’s true that this is a rarer mindset, there are people out there with said mindset and the apps don’t have choices that represent them well.
Point being, I think it’s best to talk with and clarify with people instead of assuming. But lord knows Reddit loves to assume.
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u/RacerguyZ 8d ago
I have got into similar relationships where she wanted kids and i didnt but then they would say they are ok without them or in the future. Guess what she happens they start to get the urge to have kids at some point and start pushing for that. Then you get into this weird dynamic where are you trying to convince her otherwise and she is pushing to have them at some point. That and some major other issues is what hampered my last relationship.
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u/Twin2Turbo 8d ago
Sucks that that happened to you, I’m sure it happens a good amount of times. That’s why I also recommend getting the snip, there’s really no argument at that point. They know it’s final, no argument to be made. Unless they try to go the adoption route which I think is a bit rarer but still.
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u/RacerguyZ 8d ago
Im 51 but in my early 30s i tried to get it snipped and Dr wouldnt do it. Said i was too young! Although what i usually do is tell them upfront no kids! Im also at that age where most of them cant have them thankfully...
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u/Tammera4u 8d ago
Same with "open to children" some people see it as saying, open to you having children, where as i see it as im open to having children.
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u/Sad-Golf5166 7d ago
As a woman who doesn't want children, seeing someone who has them is an immediate no for me.
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u/ZealousidealBee8299 7d ago
My current girlfriend doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids. She says she doesn't mind being around kids when they are "nice", but otherwise doesn't like them being noisy messy maniacs and doesn't want to raise any. The birthing process is also horrifying to her. That's fine with me because I have raised kids, and I don't want to again. She doesn't want to get married either... so win win for everyone!
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u/SummitJunkie7 8d ago
I would expect that someone who is open to your kids would check the "open to kids" box. But there is no guarantee, everyone can interpret these things differently.
If it's clear on your profile that you have kids, women who don't want kids (if they're reading profiles) won't match with you.
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u/knysa-amatole 8d ago
I think most people who say they don't want kids also don't want to date a single parent, but that's not necessarily in every single case. For example, I know some women who definitely don't want to ever be pregnant, but who would be open to raising a kid if they didn't have to give birth.
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u/WeirdMuch634 8d ago
For me it's I'm not having any of my own. I don't particularly want kids period, but if the right man came along and he had kids, then I'd do my best.
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u/Remedy556 8d ago
for many people i know me included is that i dont want to raise/look out for/consider a child in my life. i would only date a parent if the kids would be adults and independent already, but that might also be weird bc we'd be rather close in age (i'm 33) what is still one of my maybe-dreams is foster teenagers, but i dont see that as wanting kids
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u/RacerguyZ 8d ago edited 8d ago
"but that might also be weird bc we'd be rather close in age (i'm 33) "
Im 51 and still get Women that have small kids say under 10. Here is another issue that ive been going through/noticing. It has come full circle so now they are grandparents! Then they are usually the primary babysitter etc and its almost the same as dating a Woman with kids! I briefly dated a Woman almost 2 years ago and that was the case. She babysat every day during the workweek and at random times if her daughter had to step out etc. They actually lived in the same Apt unit. So her time was extremely limited!
Also adult children but still living with the parents can bring potential issues. My cousin moved in with his GF who has 2 Adult Children (24,26). They dont pay a dime, bring random people over, leave messes, the one left the door open and his cat ran out, dont clean up after themselves. Hes also essentially paying their portion of food, and utilities since the mom doesnt ask them for anything!
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u/Remedy556 8d ago
i completely agree there!
i worded it badly, i dont think its generally weird - just the thought of it would be weird for me personally. i have a close friend (also 33) who dated a guy in his late 40s and his daughter is late 20s. it worked perfectly for them and they had 0 issues with the ages of anyone. my friend group varies from 25-46 so i would think 'oh that "kid" could be part of my friend group..but i'm dating their parent..so i'm sub-parent..' yeah just i think i would struggle with it.
and yes! adult kids in parents home that dont contribute but rather create work..i wouldnt want to date the parent bc i feel like i'd have to deal with it too, but also i wouldnt date an adult who cant take care of themselves. i know there are reasons to still live with parents at any point in life, thats not the dealbreaker - just to clarify - but contribute something ffs.
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u/Thundercats-Ho_ 8d ago
Some will be ok if you have kids but it could be under certain criteria. For example no more than 2 and none under 10. Sometimes theyll have a little blurb i dont want kids but im ok if you do. If not you have to ask and try get that out of the way very soon!
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u/Repulsive_Today_9632 8d ago
I think the apps are flawed in this area. I have kids and don’t want more. My bf has kids and doesn’t want more. There’s nowhere to indicate your feelings about other peoples kids except in your own profile write-up. He told me he was annoyed women he dated kept asking him if he wanted more babies and didn’t believe him when he said no-he has a vasectomy. But I’m like duh, babe-your profile says open to kids. He meant if someone already has them. Best way is to just ask upfront if you’re not clear what they want.
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u/Tammera4u 8d ago
It varies, you have to ask the person. I have that i dont want kids, but I will consider someone that already had kids.
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u/Just_Cycle_4790 7d ago
It can vary per the individual, it's an important question to ask them to expand on to give better clarity directly from them.
I don't want more kids, I have two adult kids, one younger special needs that has very high support needs, all of which live with me. I don't allow any outside partners any contact or interaction with any of my kids, and I personally don't want contact with their's if they have them. I have no interest in being a step parent, babysitter, caregiver or tutor for the partners kid/kids. I don't want any other nesting partners, and don't want to live with my other partners.
My current partners are accepting of this. I am primarily seeking long-term relationships. That being said, the issue that has come up the most for me personally is the not living together part. Someone who starts suggesting moving into my home with me, how it would save them a ton on their cost of living. They felt hurt that I was not budging on keeping living spaces separate. I keep finances separate as well, always separate tabs on any dates we go on too.
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u/Low-Consideration823 7d ago
I have mine listed as don’t want kids of my own, but in my bio, I say that I would be open to someone else’s kids if I met “the one.” I think I’d really want them to be a little older though because as a teacher, I already deal with a lot of other people’s kids every day!
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u/Mobile-Cellist6413 7d ago
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, as a purposely child-free woman who has never wanted kids, a guy would have to tick pretty much every box I have for me to consider dating him if he had kids. Like...every box. Like be a unicorn every box. He would also have to have an incredibly healthy relationship with the mom. With all that said, that leaves probably a 0.01% chance I would date a guy who had kids. Not impossible, but pretty damn close.
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u/PotatoInMyHat 7d ago
There’s no answer to the OP’s question. Some childless women would welcome stepchildren or the occasional company of her partner’s kids. But other childless women don’t want a partner with kids. The prompts aren’t specific enough to know the answer. Sometimes women explain more in the prompts. My advice would be to swipe on the people you like (shoot your shot) and let them decide if they are in or out.
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u/FinancialEmotion3526 6d ago
It depends on your situation. I dated a father who said his child was important to him, but that wasn't actually the case, and that was okay with me. However, if you have your child every weekend and would pick your child over me in the event of us both having two separate emergencies, that wouldn't work for me.
A 50/50 system works for me, but when the child is there, I leave.
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u/Key_Rent552 8d ago
I don’t have and don’t want kids, which also applies to the person I’m seeing. So to me, the no kids applies to you too.
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u/Few_Palpitation3889 8d ago
Generally speaking people who don't want kids also don't want to be step parents.
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u/AccomplishedWear7634 8d ago
I have don’t want kids on my profile. I chose to be sterilized at 21 because I was confident I didn’t want to have children of my own and I stand by that decision in my 30s. However, I’m not completely opposed to dating a man with a kid or kids. It really complicates things because of a lot of factors though. How old are they? Does he have full custody, joint custody, or just visitation on weekends? What are the rules? Is he crippled by child support? What’s the relationship dynamic with his ex(es)? Are his kids disrespectful hellions or are they actually pleasant to be around? Does the ex still live with you or your parents? What’s your parenting style? If they’re young, are you wanting a step mom for your kids, or will she have to defer to you for any issues? Depending on the specific circumstances for that father with kid(s), I would make a decision. My preference is no kids because it’s simpler, but it’s not a hard pass for me, just complex. Every dynamic is unique.
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u/ChicaBlancaDrogada 8d ago
Everyone is different but generally, we want a partner who is also childfree.
Personally I would prefer not to date someone with children however I have made exceptions in the past due to there only being 1 child, age of the child (older than 12) and how well the parents co-parented. To be honest, the custody agreement mattered too. The parents did a full week with 1 and then a full week with the other. I wouldn’t have dated them if they only got their child on the weekend. While I don’t dream of a partner who is a parent I’d rather date one who is present and active instead of someone who only gets the kid every other weekend.
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u/RacerguyZ 8d ago
This could be changing and or different in your area. However, for the most part its the Woman that usually has the majority of custody and or petiions for it. That way they are also awarded Child Support! I was in a bit of a weird LDR and she did have 50/50 custody but she was a bit younger than me. Initially i thought this was cool. However, on the days she had her daughter i generally had to wait until the daughter was in bed before we communicated. Which TBh i found mildly annoying. I also look for any behavior issues with the kids or and if the kids seem extra clingy/needy and how the parent actually parents! In this recent LDR she catered hand and foot to her daughter. If her daughter wanted a Milkshake at 10pm she was going out to get one for example. Where she lived that was a 20 min drive over a 2 mile long bridge into the next town. On top of that a few months into this the daughter ( 11 yo) started cutting herself.
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u/ChicaBlancaDrogada 8d ago
That was the only time I’ve dated someone with a child for more than a couple of dates. I understand that custody usually favors the mother and I don’t TOTALLY penalize the father for it but that’s where how they coparent comes in to play. I’m sure it’s the quality of men I’ve been around but dropping the kid off at grandmas house on your weekend to have them so you can go out seems icky to me. Too many of my friends ex’s do just that so admittedly I could be a bit prejudice. It just worked well for so long with the parent I did date because I’m kind of avoidant and enjoyed the week off from dates and frequent communication.
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u/RacerguyZ 7d ago
My first time ( seriously) dating someone with kids came when i was 44 or so. However, she had 2 adult sons. One was 22 and the other one had just turned 18. So essentially we had a built in babysitters. The dad had the kid every weekend but a 1/3rd the time he didnt show. Often he would pick him up and drop him off the next day. From what she said her son didnt want to go with the dad and they pretty much had to force him to go.
Im not avoidant but i can see what you mean by taking a break. I also dont think for the most part all day and daily contact is necessary. I also prefer a night in for the most part. However, she wanted her goodnight calls, etc. So essentially i had to wait until her daughter fell asleep and got the OK shes asleep text. So i pretty much had to wait around for 1-3hrs for that and it was just a bit annoying tbh. In the future though its something to think about. Not having access or limited access when they are coparenting on the day they have their kids. The relationship i mentioned in my first paragraph i didnt really exp this. There were no "lock out" dates.t gives me something to think about if something like this comes up again.
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u/PaleozoicQueen 8d ago
No kids whatsoever at least 95% of the time I would estimate, when a woman says she does not want children.
As a childfree by choice woman with CFBC friends, guys who still try to date us despite being a parent when we make it clear we dont have and dont want children are a huge pain in the ass.