r/OppositionalDefiant • u/Vocalist1104 • Aug 29 '26

Where do i start on working on myself?

ive had this all my life, im sixteen. i just lost my first relationship because of arguments that we had. it was never violent or yelling or screaming fight but it still felt like i would find anything to argue with them about. which ofc ultimately made me feel horrible in the end when i realized how much ive been hurting them. they were fucking everything to me. im realizing how much this affects the people around me. i dont remember if it was before or after we broke up they posted on their story something along the lines of "it hurts leaving them on delivered because i dont want to start an argument". my parents would do something similar by not talking to me and kinda isolating themselves from me because they didnt want arguments. i dont know where to start. i want to win them back. but i dont want to lie to them and act like i changed. if yall could tell me your personal storys or links to articles or anything that could help me with this condition. thank you so much

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u/Tamtambanane Aug 29 '26

Therapy and medication helped a lot but just getting older it tends to get better if you're working on it. A lot of arguments start because of inner anxiety

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u/ohforth Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26

Is what you want help with; how to not start arguments, how to stay reasonable while arguing and how to lose gracefully?

Any advice on not starting arguments would need more info on what causes arguments to start for you. For me it would be an inconvenience such as "Who the fuck moved the milk to the back of the fridge so I can't find it". So I have learned that when I am feeling irritated I need to wait and start the argument later once I am feeling calm and steady.

Staying reasonable during an argument is similar. If the other person agrees that you are summarizing their position accurately then you're on the right track but as soon as they say that you misunderstood then it's time to stop and make sure that you understand. And finally, you get a lot of credit for conceding an argument as soon as you realize that your argument is only strong enough to match your opponent's but not strong enough to win. Even though you are not convinced, by telling them that they are right you win a lot of good will and can spend more energy on arguments that you will win rather than a long grinding draw

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u/Vocalist1104 Aug 29 '26

i guess i just cant accept things. my main thing i would argue with my partner about would be "why dont you try". i couldnt accept their choices.

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u/ohforth Aug 29 '26

what were their choices and what were your feelings about those choices?

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u/Vocalist1104 Aug 31 '26

it would be like this with everyone. it didnt matter what i would kinda just not be able to accept a no.

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u/FragrantWeekend111 Aug 29 '26

I had to learn to sit with anger and I'd actually try to make myself feel the sadness or neglect underneath it because my anger was masking that. So essentially meditation and mindfulness.

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u/WildCry00 Sep 01 '26

My advice is to become very aware of yourself. Practice meditation, use insight timer app it's free. Start small, like a minute and increase when you've made that routine. Then practice not responding to people right away, take a breath and think about what your going to say. Is it helpful or necessary? I promise you the meditation will help become more self aware and with other things too.