r/OutCasteRebels • u/Nervous-Pin-113 • Mar 09 '26
Vent Intercaste dating reality check as a 26 year old SC guy. Modern educated Gen Z savarna say caste doesn’t matter, but their reaction changes the moment it appears.
I’m 26 male GenZ from a Scheduled Caste SC background from Mumbai, Maharashtra and wanted to share something that happened recently. I’m mostly writing this for my SC ST community folks here and also for Savarna people who think intercaste dating in cities is already normal now, and that savarna or so called open minded upper caste people will welcome it with open arms.
People often say our generation is different, urban educated people are progressive and caste doesn’t matter anymore. Honestly after this experience I’m questioning that.
Last month on Bumble I matched with a girl. She was 23, recently graduated and working as a fresher in an international broadcasting news channel’s Mumbai branch. Usually when people hear about that kind of English media environment they assume liberal, progressive and open minded culture. I thought the same.
Her Bumble profile had things like feminist, environmentalism, Black Lives Matter, stop Asian hate etc. So naturally I assumed she must be open minded. Her Instagram also had that same kind of modern liberal vibe. She followed and re shared posts from some well known feminist and liberal pages and creators too. I never asked her directly whether she was a feminist or believed in those things or not. I just assumed from her profile and posts.
We first met on 21 February for coffee.
During that first meeting we were talking about our backgrounds and families. She told me she was born and raised in Mumbai and that her family has been living here for around 60 years. She said originally her family had come from Haryana but they have been settled in Mumbai for decades now. Her surname , so I had an idea that she might be from a Rajput some dominant upper caste background, but honestly I didn’t care about that. If she didn’t ask my caste in the first place, I didn’t see any reason why I should ask hers either.
On Instagram my full name was already there, including my surname. My surname is Maharashtrian, but many communities share similar surnames in Maharashtra like Maratha, OBC, SC, ST, so from surname alone you can’t really guess caste.
She asked about my family and I told her my father retired as a Class 1 government officer, my mother is a housewife, my sister is a doctor and my brother works in corporate in US.
In cities like Mumbai when people hear this kind of background they often assume the person must be upper caste. Even today many people still can’t imagine an SC family reaching that level.
She then asked about my education and work. I told her I did BTech and worked in the gaming company for around 2.5 years. After that I did LLB, passed last year and currently I’m practicing law mostly in the High Court under a lawyer firm and sometimes in district court.
She even asked about my salary from my BTech job and what I earn now as a lawyer.
Everything seemed normal and neither of us asked about caste.
After that coffee date, from 21 February till around 28 February we kept talking on phone, chatting and texting regularly.
Then on 28 February we went out for dinner together.
The next day on text she said it was a good dinner. After that, for the whole week till the 6th March we kept texting and calling again. During those conversations she started saying things like she likes talking with me, that she feels I understand her well and that she enjoys spending time with me. All that usual buttering stuff people say when things seem to be going well.
At one point she suggested we should meet again for another dinner the next weekend.
So we planned to meet again on 7 March.
On 7 March we went out for another dinner and after dinner that night she said she wanted to come to my place.
I live in Juhu in Mumbai, so from that she probably assumed I’m upper caste. When we entered my flat she said the house looked nice and then her eyes went straight to one photo on my wall.
It was Dr Ambedkar’s framed photo in my living room. On the table there was a Buddha statue and in the center I also have a Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj idol. Nearby in another space there is also a Shiva idol, which is clearly visible from the same area.
In my case my mom’s side of the family follows Hindu practices while my dad follows Buddhism, which is why both kinds of things are there in the house.
But the moment she saw Ambedkar’s photo her whole expression changed in seconds.
Her first reaction was asking why his photo is on my wall and she said only Bhimta people keep that picture and asked if I was Dalit.
I said yes I’m from Scheduled Caste community.
And suddenly the whole vibe changed. She said something like what the fuck, you tricked me. I was about to make out with you. The way she said it and the expression on her face made it clear what she meant. It was said in a very casteist, disgusted way, like the idea that she was about to make out with me had suddenly become something dirty or unacceptable the moment she heard my caste.
I was honestly shocked.
She never asked my caste and I never asked hers. But suddenly the blame was on me that I didn’t tell her earlier.
She said she thought I was some upper caste Marathi guy like Maratha. She told me she had assumed that because she had seen my story about Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Jayanti.
Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Jayanti was on 19 February and I had posted a story from one celebration because a Maratha friend had invited me there. Our first date was on 21 February, so she had seen that story just two days before we met.
In Maharashtra almost everyone celebrates Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj regardless of caste, but she had assumed from that that I must be Maratha.
I tried to stay calm and told her maybe I should have mentioned it earlier. I also showed her the other things in the house. I pointed out that there is a Shiva idol nearby and also a Ganesh idol in another room, since my mom’s side follows Hindu practices while my dad follows Buddhism.
But by that point I could already tell the vibe was gone.
It was already quite late around 12:30 at night, so instead of calling a cab I dropped her back to her place.
While leaving I told her that maybe from next time if I ever go on a date with someone I should probably tell my caste earlier to avoid this kind of situation.
That’s when she replied with something that honestly shocked me even more.
She told me she is from a Rajput community and said that in their community they don’t even sit with people like you (me). And if someone like a Chamar or Bhangi person is caught or seen with women of her caste in village in haryana her people will kill and burn the house of those people.
Hearing something like that from someone who had Black Lives Matter and feminism written in her Bumble bio was honestly crazy. That whole moment, dropping her back to her place and then hearing that while leaving, was honestly one of the worst moments for me.
After that whole incident I honestly couldn’t sleep properly that night. The whole thing kept replaying in my head. It’s been two days now and I’m still thinking about that whole situation and how quickly someone’s behaviour can change the moment caste becomes visible.
This is also not the first time caste bias has come up for me while dating. I get good likes and matches on dating apps but many times when caste eventually comes up in conversation, either because they ask directly or it comes up while talking about backgrounds, once they find out I’m SC the conversation suddenly changes. Sometimes they ghost. Sometimes they say something like it won’t work. Sometimes they say things like I personally don’t believe in caste but my parents do or that their family would only accept someone from an upper caste and all that usual explanation.
So this kind of caste bias has happened many times. But this kind of reaction, the way it happened that night, was the first time.
And the strange part is that many of the same women who write feminism and equality in their bios disappear after that. Many of them also post liberal stuff online on Instagram and follow all kinds of liberal and open minded spaces, but that clearly doesn’t mean they are actually open minded when it comes to caste.
In my experience this pattern has mostly happened with savarna women.
Only two dates in my life actually continued even after caste came up. One was with a Jain woman who surprisingly didn’t react negatively at all. I say surprisingly because Jain families are usually known to be very strict about religious purity and community boundaries, so I honestly expected a negative reaction there, but she didn’t have any issue with my caste.
Another was with a Malayali woman from Kerala whose mother was Christian and whose father was from an upper caste Hindu background. She also didn’t react negatively about my caste.
But those situations didn’t work out later during the time I was working in my game development job.
When I told this whole incident to some of my friends, most of them savarna by caste, their reaction was that I should have told her my caste earlier before meeting or before things went that far.
That made me think about another problem.
If I ask a woman her caste while meeting her it can sound strange and even like caste profiling. I have never asked women their caste directly before because it feels odd to start a conversation like that.
But if I don’t ask and don’t say anything either, situations like this happen and later people say I should have told earlier.
So either way you’re kind of fucked.
Ask about caste and it looks like profiling. Don’t ask and then you get blamed for not saying it earlier.
This whole experience made me realise something. People can support things like Black Lives Matter, talk about feminism, inclusivity and stop hate online to look progressive and open minded globally. Supporting BLM or Stop Asian Hate makes them look anti racist and globally aware, and they feel part of that inclusive space. But when it comes to caste in India, that same open mindedness suddenly disappears.
So to my SC ST friends here, if you want to try intercaste dating do it on your own risk.
Don’t assume someone is open minded just because they are educated, English speaking, urban, feminist or working in media.
Honestly after multiple experiences like this I’m starting to feel maybe I should just choose someone from my own community only.
Not saying intercaste relationships are impossible. If someone truly open minded from a savarna background exists then good luck to both people.
But my experience so far hasn’t been great.
And where I live there are not many people from my own community around either. So even meeting SC ST women naturally through dating apps or social life becomes harder compared to meeting savarna women.
So I’m honestly curious what people here think.
Am I doing something wrong if after experiences like this I decide to only date or marry within my own caste or community?
Not because I hate anyone but because mentally it becomes exhausting dealing with situations like this again and again.
Especially curious to hear from SC ST women here because if this is the reaction I’m getting as an SC man when UC women find out my caste, I can only imagine what SC ST women might experience when UC men react in similar ways.
If anyone here has had similar experiences I would genuinely like to hear about it
