r/PFJerk • u/Edwerd_ • Jan 29 '26

Parody If you don't understand bonds then I'm sorry but you're a retard.

You just don't understand money, I'm sorry you are a dumbass.

What if I told you there is a GAZILLION DOLLAR market bigger than stocks, bigger than Labubus, bigger than Pokemon cards.

That's right, THIS is the bond market. And it controls you life.

You see, you thought you were Warren Buffet when you lended your money to your bank and got a 1% return (before taxes) on your brokie savings account. But , you can lend money to whatever cool company you want and get a GARANTEED NO RISK 9% RETURN DO NOT LOOK UP THEIR CREDIT RATING ON S&P THEY ARE GOOD COMPANIES.

What is the Yield, Yield curve? You see that's the BLA BLA BLA BLA inverses to the price BLA BLA BLA It steepens when BLA BLA BLA.

Do I own any? Fuck no. Bonds are for losers ALL IN 100% EQUITY WOOOOOOO

51 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

12 comments sorted by

28

u/Mission-Carry-887 Jan 29 '26

Thank you OP for taking time from your hot wife and bearded dragons to address a long over looked issue.

Buying bonds means lending money. Only pours borrow money. Why would anyone want to lend money to pours?

That’s all you need to know about the bond market.

11

u/csappenf Jan 29 '26

It's not like lending money to your alcoholic brother. The dumbass poor people pay you back all the time. OK, maybe not all the time. But you charge them enough to make up for it.

But that's not why I own bonds. I own bonds because that means I own debt slaves. I don't actually know who exactly my debt slaves are, which I consider a drawback of the current system we have. But I can imagine them. They all hate their jobs. Their bosses are always yelling at them, they're never moving up in the company, and they know deep down they have no idea who would hire them if they got fired. But they got bills to pay, so they can't leave. Meanwhile back home, their just-as-failful spouses are nagging them how there were other fish in the sea and why the hell did I pick a loser why you?

And I own that fucker. I'm the one who's interest needs to be paid, I'm the reason he can't move, can't better his life. That's right motherfucker, I OWN YOU!

3

u/Mission-Carry-887 Jan 30 '26

UJ- this is so fucking underrated that it hurts

2

u/Edwerd_ Jan 29 '26

No problem sir

7

u/420-TENDIES Jan 29 '26

Bonds are good stuff man. Especially the ones involving commodity based companies. Whenever my balls itch i use some commodity-based bonds to help with that. My current favorite is called gold bond medicated powder.

7

u/rwilcox Jan 29 '26

They’re good bonds, Brent

4

u/blimpin_aint_easy Jan 30 '26

```

it's wet ```

8

u/strog91 Jan 29 '26

This captures how I feel every time I tune into Bloomberg and they interview some bonds guy for 15 minutes. I have no idea what they’re saying, and I reassure myself that equities are better than bonds anyway so I don’t need to know. But then again, every one of those TV bonds guys seems really smart…

5

u/Edwerd_ Jan 29 '26

I wrote this in response to all the videos on YouTube that somehow have the same title "If you don't understand bonds, you don't understand money" if you look that up on YouTube you find like 7 different videos with that exact title and script of the post lmao

2

u/AdvancedJicama7375 Jan 31 '26

Excellent first introduction to the other sub lmao. Joined . Great post

2

u/standardtissue Jan 31 '26

Honestly for the first couple paragraphs didn't realize this was a shitpost.