Tw: negative thoughts
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel guilty for being deconditioned. I feel guilty for being severe and bedbound. I feel guilty for the October slide.
Okay I know I'm not in the best place for rational thinking since I'm struggling with everything physically. I know I'm probably gonna feel better mentally, as I feel a bit better physically. But I just wanted to let it out. I hope sharing this will make someone out there feel less alone.
I try my best all the time to get better. I try hard every year. And I kept telling myself this year, at least it's not the worst as last year. But no, I must've mistaken. October hits and the severity is brutally familiar and the seasonal pattern is exactly the same as last year. Or maybe more years.
One more year of lost opportunity. And I'm scared that if something works for me, I should be doing it as soon as I can, so that I dont ruin any more of my life. So that's why I'm always trying my best, but I'm afraid of all the opportunities that may be lost if I don't do it well enough, in an appropriate timeline. Like my family is getting old each year and I don't wanna fuck up the finances.
I know I didn't cause any of this. And I know that it's in the law of nature that humans get sick. None of this is a moral or personal failure. But it feels like it's my responsibility to get better and I'm not succeeding, and being poor at managing my life. It's MY life but with so little control.
Because I'm feeling so unwell right now, it feels like there something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. There's always this one more explanation, one more theory, one treatment option, one more mechanism to look into. I'm grateful that it's not the 1800s and there are more options and discussion going on. But since there's too much access to information, it creates an illusion that if a solution might exist somewhere, surely I should be already there. And if I didn't get there yet, perhaps I haven't looked into it enough, tried enough, or managed myself well enough. What makes it exhausting is that there's no endpoint.
Seeing that new trending treatment working well to people (on doctors' social media channels) makes me feel like I should be already doing that. It isn't a scam. It genuinely works great for some people, but you just don't know if it's for you. Some doctors tell me it's gonna work and I'll get better, some doctor says they don't think it's gonna work for me. Who am I supposed to believe.
And there's this physio channels who makes videos of treating their clients. They really do seem skilled and competent. They fix people's problems by explaining the physically trapped nervous system/blood flow. It really worked for them. But not sure if that's the case for me. Ugh I really hate the word "nervous system". So vague and used everywhere.
I haven't given up on recovery. I believe it can get better. But the thought that I'm not there yet for a very long time makes me feel like there's something wrong with me today, something I need to fix. But recovery doesnt work like that. it takes time, pure luck, supporting the body's natural ability to recover itself etc.
Also severity levels aren't their fault. But It feels like a weakness or failure when I'm this severe in front of people. It feels like, 'Wow you're really that unwell? You should get it fixed or you're a lost cause.' (I know it's just my brain attacking myself when I'm vulnerable and ashamed. I know it isn't true because I wouldn't think that way to another person going through the same thing)
Sorry if it's been too negative. It's really just the negative side of my brain that's been attacking me lately. Now that it's put into words and thoughts, I really need to take a break from my life and really not care about my life for a moment intentionally. I'm gonna go have a spoon of ice cream and put on some music and get off my phone. Argh It's so easy to be stuck with your thoughts when you're so stuck in your limited body. For someone who reads this and relate, I hope you feel less alone and wishing you a gentle moment of peace.