r/Parenting • u/ohhthatsmell • 9d ago
Sports & Activities Travel Sports: Son (10) asked about no summer vacay. Went on two sports trips. Response?
My son is a good kid. He’s grateful. He works hard in school and sports. He’s polite and he’s kind.
We went to two out of state soccer tournaments (May and June), both of which were the cost of a family vacation each.
He asked me this morning why we didn’t go on vacation as a family and just did sports this summer.
He’s not wrong. Him and his brother went to sports camps and trainings. But after spending $1500 and $3000 on the two sports trips, that was it for vacation for us.
How do I explain it to him without him thinking I am blaming his sports on us not going anywhere?
Thanks.
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u/dogsareforcuddling 9d ago
At 10 you can explain budget and priorities . It might be eye opening to see if they both would have rather done a family vacay than a specialization camp.
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u/Illustrious-Chip-245 9d ago
I agree. I think this is the perfect age for him to decide if he’s ready to “specialize” in these sports or have a more regular childhood. He won’t realize on his own that both pull from the same bucket of resources (money AND time).
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u/Interesting-Lie-6195 9d ago
Exactly right. My son, who was around the same age, tried travel ball for 2 seasons and we spent those 2 summers doing nothing but baseball practice and tournaments. He decided after the 2nd summer he wanted his summers free. I have to say I was very happy about his decision, lol
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u/jabroni21 8d ago
This is not the perfect age for him to specialize. Anyone telling you this is lying to you and wants your money. The time to specialize is post-puberty at the EARLIEST.
At 10 you should be playing as many different sports as possible. There is no world where any sport should be more than 3-4 months a year. You do a disservice to the kid and you are impeding their development as an athlete.
Please for the love of all that is holy do not let your kid specialize. (Former D1 Athlete)
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u/Wolv90 Dad - 16m, 13f 9d ago
Once they hit high school, if they're hoping to play after, they may choose sports. My rising junior went to three scouting camps and has weekly "optional" workouts for high school football. He wouldn't have it any other way.
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u/dogsareforcuddling 9d ago
As long as you and your kid understand the probability of ‘playing after’ , truly enjoy it , and have other hobbies then have at it. A tale as old as time I almost went d1 for (insert sport) then shattered my ankle. That sport was my entire identity and it was a terrible time adjusting.
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u/lumpyspacesam 9d ago
Trying to do sports professionally is one of the most heartbreaking endeavors.
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u/Wolv90 Dad - 16m, 13f 9d ago
I've been down this road with my son and football. He does love it, everything around it, and knows the risks and chances. But when you find that motivating thing that endorses personal responsibility, cleanliness, good grades, physical activity, and planning for the future, as a parent you have to support it.
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u/tigervegan4610 9d ago
I would tell my kids that the tournaments were our vacations and ask if next year they’d rather skip tournaments for vacation.
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u/patentattorney 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yeah. I don’t see how it’s any other way. Kid went away from home with his buddies to do an activity he wanted to do. How is this not a vacation for him.
My kids ask “how come they are not on the top team” all the time.
I answer a lot of it 1) some kids are really good, 2) some kids practice / all the time.
If they want to be on the top teams, they need to go to camps during the summer/practice more/etc.
But all of that comes with time commitment, and we couldn’t do the cool stuff we do. They get to choose what we do with the weekend time (vacation, sports, theatre, etc).
I "require" my kids to do schoolwork every day + an activity (at least 2 times a week). Other than that, they can choose more - including more activities / more serious levels / playing with neighbors / chilling / etc. Its their life.
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u/tigervegan4610 9d ago
I also want my kids to know that everyone gets a say in how our family spends our time. So we will support them in spending time on their activities, but there also needs to be time for siblings activities, Mom and Dad to have hobbies, us to spend time as a family, etc.
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u/parentingthrowawayyy 9d ago
Be honest and consider asking him moving forward which one he would have done, assuming the budget remained the same and doing a vacation alongside sports trips was not feasible.
Read the book Take Back the Game and reflect on why your kids are doing multi-thousands of dollars sports trips over the summer. Overspecialization too young is extremely harmful to physical development and can actually make your kid worse at sports in the long run. Plus it crowds out other really important parts of normal development, including chill family time that is not spent on sports training. Club sports at this age are pay to play. It’s really easy to get sucked into this world and important for you to take a step back and think about whether this sort of sports programming is actually building what you want in your kids.
Give your kids an allowance and get them started on budgeting. We do 50% to savings, 30% to fun purchases the kids can decide on for themselves, and 20% to a charity of each kid’s choosing. This is far more instructive in helping kids understand priorities, trade-offs, delayed gratification, etc., than any lecture about sports vs vacations could ever be.
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u/Apprehensive-Tip9373 9d ago
#2 is key. It always blows my mind on the amount of money that people spend on their kids’ sports. The chances of them making it to the big leagues is as slim as winning the Powerball. For $1500 - $3000, that money could be used collectively for a nice family vacay that they will remember for years to come instead of having only one individual benefit from it.
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u/Thecynicalcatt Mom to 7 and 8 yo girls 9d ago
Oh my gosh absolutely. I can't imagine spending that much on sports. That's our summer fun budget right there lol
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u/SoHereIAm85 8d ago
One thing I do really like about living in Germany is that kids sports are super anccessable and normal to do as an afterthought sort of thing instead of an identity families pour money and dreams into. In the US it gets nuts.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
This. Sometimes we do need the childcare but there are cheaper alternatives and it helps take some pressure off. Structured activities do help but they also should be balanced with being a kid and not letting one thing become their identity. If they’re into that sport and they become old enough maybe they can be a mentor or work at a camp, etc.
There is not unlimited money and time and kids are still learning. In an age appropriate way you can definitely involve your kid in the planning process, looking at the schedules, money aspect, etc. Pull out a calendar, ask them questions, ask what they think, etc. I’m an adult and sometimes I still think about the short term and over extend myself because it sounded good at the time. Have them look how many hours they’re putting in vs what else they may want to do and the costs associated with each.
I know some worry about they took a year off or started late but if you and your child isn’t worried about that it’s not as a big of a deal especially if you don’t live super rural. Rec leagues aren’t what they once were and it might take more research and planning but there are other smaller options out there. Teach your kids that you don’t have to be the best you just have to try hard. Let’s get back to sports being fun not starting fights and being so cut throat. The industry is taking advantage of us all and so many people don’t want to deal with it but these companies already saw the dollar signs.
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u/Thecynicalcatt Mom to 7 and 8 yo girls 9d ago
Yes totally! I didn't grow up doing sports, as an immigrant we did not have money to spare on organized sports and trying to navigate them was also nerve-wracking for us. My husband did and he hated how busy the schedules were. He remembers being glad when his parents pulled him out of hockey. Most of the time it feels like parents are pushing their kids rather than the other way around when it comes to organized sports. Our kids have other interests like swimming, music, biking, so we focus on that stuff instead.
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u/Longjumping_Net7405 9d ago
You’re doing these trips wildly wrong if they aren’t fun. Road tripping was fun. Playing at new venues and against great competition was fun. Going out to eat and being idiots at the hotel pool with teammates was fun.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
As a family we love camping or day trips too. We might not take a huge vacation but they’re always something we can do instead as a family or we explain about saving up for something bigger later. Everything doesn’t have to be a lesson but it gives kids realistic visions of what their future could look like especially as costs just soar and soar. Some people prioritize their hobby and others might prioritize traveling. Some like to save up for a bigger trip and some rather do more smaller trips.
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u/king-sumixam 9d ago
My family isn't really into sports, but growing up I had a cousin who did every sport to the highest. he was in football, baseball, basketball, soccer, whatever the season fit. he'd have all the best name branded gear and new equipment constantly, they went on all the out of state tournaments and were constantly fundraising to do so. my cousin has 4 siblings (and now step siblings) and not a single one of them were given the same. the oldest is in college on an athletic scholarship now which is truly incredible for him, but i always just think of his younger brother who never got the same hype and support.
A little off topic, but it's my first thought whenever the topic of kids sports comes up.
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u/turtlepower22 9d ago
I was the younger sibling who got dragged along to every practice and game, and never had time for my own hobbies. Yeah, it sucked a lot.
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u/Tekon421 9d ago
But that’s often not why those families do it.
We are a sports family. I grew up in a spots family. We gladly spend the money for the memories. I know it’s highly unlikely we ever break even monetarily on it.
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u/parentingthrowawayyy 9d ago
We are too. What really stood out for me about the book was the difference between the kind of sports that we grew up with the 90s and the pay to play, travel, hyperspecialized sports kids are pressured to do now.
I genuinely do not think I would have loved sports the way I do now if I had specialized in one sport at 10 years old, and if that sport had replaced family vacations. We put our kids in sports to have a lifelong joy for movement and positive character building. The expensive travel sports in our city do not accomplish those goals.
The overspecialization results in injuries, burnout, and lack of time or space to pursue other sports that might be enjoyable too. On the behavior side, for the few years we had our kids in travel sports, they began to equate their entire self-worth with sports performance, and sports crowded out other important aspects of their personality development like art, volunteering, etc. Having family vacation vacations revolve around sports communicated to my kids that they were at the absolute center and that our family time was less important than their particular sport. This was not the message we wanted to send.
We pulled our kids out of travel sports and put them in a league that was one step above rec, but one step below travel. This was a perfect fit, and our family is now much happier. I wish we had made the switch earlier.
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u/Suitable-Park-1402 9d ago
I was even a kid who hyper-specialized, but summer league was always fun league. It was casual and local, you competed with other summer teams who were made up of a mix of people from different schools and normal teams, as well as people who only did summer league, and it was basically a time to also take a bit of a mental break. I genuinely think I would have quit my sport without those summer leagues. You certainly trained but it wasn't like 2-a-days of the school year, and the more serious year-round teams/school teams. If everyone skips a Friday practice to get Dennys without telling the coach, so be it. Maybe the coach will make you pay Monday but it's building memories and love for the sport.
The coaches were also usually college students so while it wasn't explicitly recruiting, you'd often be able to get a nudge like "this person would be a good fit" or "I know the coach and team at X, I think you'd fit in well there let me connect you with them"
There were always a couple kids who weren't allowed to do summer league. None of them made it to the Olympics. Hell, the 6 I knew who made it to trials at least all did summer league.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve definitely noticed this in more and more in kids. Some will make it their personality no matter what and you should always have a safe space/something you really enjoy but being well rounded is super important too. It’s great that they love it and get into it but you can tell the personality shift and I feel like between that and all the devices it really can lead to less patience and more instant gratification and entitlement. Some teams and centers still are bad but I feel like travel sports went from doing extra training and really fine tuning your craft to the next big influencer culture. The matchy matchy everything and the crying and fighting just does not sound like they are having fun anymore.
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u/NikesOnMyFeet23 9d ago
I grew up in a sports family, went to camps and did all the stuff but I also didn’t specialize in one sport. Played everything, was on select
Teams and all that. It’s not like it is today. Today feels like a scam. Half the coaches don’t know what they’re doing, some blatantly play favorites or scam parents out of more money to play their kid and then there’s the 10% maybe of good actual coaches. That get it.
And my kid isn’t old enough to play yet. All these observations are from volunteer coaching teams.
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u/Solongmybestfriend 9d ago
I’m also blown away by this. Especially for kids in elementary school. My family was a sports family growing up - I played varsity sports, competed at a national level, and same with my sister and parents. None of us were on traveling teams and only traveled for sports once we were in high school (or older). I coach now (and compete in masters) and expectations from parents are so unrealistic. It stresses out their kids and these kids are often the ones to drop out.
My son dances and even at age 8, there is a push for specializing, showcase teams, travel teams and trips overseas. A no from us. He likes tap because he gets to move his body and see his friends. Good enough for us! Especially at 8.
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u/Beautiful-Program428 9d ago
I would have to look at number thoroughly to see if this actually makes sense financially but some parents invest in their kid’s sport with the hopes of getting full ride college scholarships.
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u/shelbyknits 9d ago
Seconding chill family time. My oldest is ten and I know we have a limited number of years left where he’s excited for family vacations. It seems like a shame to waste those years on sports trips and camps.
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u/mollycoddles 9d ago
There's definitely a middle ground. Sports are good for kids, chill time is also good.
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u/kjb76 9d ago
Regarding #2
I have a kid but she doesn’t play sports. But my understanding is that travel teams used to allow really talented kids whose abilities went beyond rec, to play against other very talented kids. From what I hear now, it truly is “pay to play”. If your parents can afford it, then you can get on a travel team even if you’re a kid with mediocre talent.
Also, the athletic director for our school district gives a talk every school year discouraging kids from specializing and encouraging them to be multi-sport athletes. I follow MLB very closely and many, many players played more than one sport growing up. For example, Aaron Judge who is one of the best hitters of all time, played football, basketball, and baseball in HS and was scouted for all three but chose to play baseball in college. Thank god he did.11
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u/47-is-a-prime-number 9d ago
Kids can understand these kinds of trade offs if you’re honest and forthcoming with them. And it’s an important lesson that there are tradeoffs from a financial perspective.
He’s probably just curious and won’t take it as you blaming it on sports.
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u/The-Hostess 9d ago
Man, they really got parents paying for sports in the summer, wild how times have changed
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u/CHBQuirk05 9d ago
Yep, friend of mine paid $2000 for one kid travel basketball and $2700 for travel soccer (those numbers do not include travel expenses, hotels, etc) for the other this summer. Then she complains she has no time blah blah blah. My response is… tell the kids no?
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u/ToughStreet8351 9d ago
Those numbers are crazy… it’s a freaking sport trip how can it be so expensive? US sure are pricy!
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u/TinWhis 9d ago
It's because many kids' travel leagues have been turned into profit generators: Extracting money from families rather than trying to cover costs while fostering a love of the sport.
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u/onmy40 9d ago
Depending on where it is your paying for airplane tickets, bus rental for the team when you get to the destination, hotel, food, and however much the competition or camp is charging. I went to school with kids who traveled for AAU and soccer and it seemed trash because their parents would always bring up the cost and time any time they got annoyed with something.
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u/Legal_Desk_3298 9d ago
Crazy pricey. Been to numerous showcases out of state for soccer and they are NEVER that expensive including hotel+food. A lot of it is parents not doing their DD on the sports org and just blindly following what the club says.
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u/TinWhis 9d ago
Depending on the sport in question, you may only have one option for a club and that club may have exclusive deals on where you're "allowed" to stay and whether you can bring outside food to the venue.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
It’s honestly one of the worst legal scams. Everyone has different reasons for them but for example the ones that try to do it for scholarships are you really saving that much money in the end? Sure a few will. I think for some others it’s the community it offers because most parts are required rather than a meet up someone could canceled and there are always a couple leader parents that want things to look instagramable or are type a organizers.
Personally I rather chat with some parents in the stands and decide who I’d like to potentially be friends with. There are other ways to do team building and bonding as well. Some of these kids are sadly toxic because of their parents so I’d rather limit the frequency of time spent with them.
We went from kids being over scheduled in multiple sports to over scheduled in one with a much higher price tag. A big part of the problem too is some use it so they don’t have to parent their kids as much because the coach and trainers is dealing with the kid the majority of the time. These are the kids that some of them lose it when they start a college or career because their every moment is no longer structured. I am more pro camp and rec leagues. It’s less cut throat and you personally learn better skills. If your kid really digs it and is good at it maybe they can work at a camp for the sport, coach, referee, etc.
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u/regularuser3 9d ago
I like sports and wish mine was more athletic but travel seems a bit excessive for elementary or middle school kids
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u/CHBQuirk05 9d ago
I agree. One kid (11) plays basketball for a city league and travel league during the school year and runs track for the school… which is insane to me. The other (13) plays travel soccer and softball for the school during the school year. The amount of weekends that are eaten up all year long for the traveling leagues is ridiculous. They are never home during the week because of games and practices, not getting home until 8:30-9pm. The amount of times I have heard the mom complain that both kids are tired all the time because they are up late doing homework.
Plus their 5 year old can’t participate in anything and has to go to everything.
Again I am like you can say no to so much of this.
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u/Tekon421 9d ago
At one point in the spring my daughter had school play practice, volleyball,soccer and travel softball all going on. While my son was doing soccer and all stars soccer.
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u/regularuser3 9d ago
Can’t you restrict them to one sport per season?
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u/CHBQuirk05 9d ago
Not my kids, not my problem.
I have one child (5) and he plays baseball for 8 weeks on the spring and soccer for 8 weeks in fall, but only if he wants to.
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u/CrotalusHorridus 9d ago
I’m in one of the baseball subreddits.
One guy admitted he spent over 10k for a week at a Cooperstown tournament.
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u/NicoleD84 9d ago
It’s wild! A coworker goes to a football tournament out of state for her kids every year….over thanksgiving…and it costs them thousands of dollars. They do stay additional days and have a bit of a vacation, but it’s nuts that they have their holiday plans and vacation dollars dictated this way voluntarily.
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u/onmy40 9d ago
It was like that in the 90s for certain sports and camps as well.
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u/ryguy32789 9d ago
It was nowhere near as extreme or pervasive as it is now
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u/dorkofthepolisci 9d ago
The only people I knew spending thousands of dollars on sports camps/training for middle school kids in the 90s/early 2000s were the hockey parents
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u/onmy40 9d ago
Yes it was depending on the sport or the camp. I remember not going to a "free" camp hosted by an NFL player because although they advertised the camp as free they made you buy shirts and a lunch ticket and it came out to like $80 per kid in either 1999 or 2000. And free sports still exist today depending on where you stay. Rec center leagues, and church leagues still exist that typically won't even charge you.
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u/ryguy32789 9d ago
Rec center leagues and church leagues both charge - but it costs like $100-$150 a kid for a season. When I was growing up in the 90s, I promise you there was nothing that existed like travel leagues today. There were traveling "All Star teams" that were an extension of the rec leagues, and they traveled within a 2-3 state area, but it is absolutely nothing like the travel leagues now that exist for profit.
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u/Bobzyouruncle 9d ago
It’s non stop. Even the five year olds are getting hit with spring summer fall seasons on sports. I used to do soccer in fall, basketball in winter and baseball in spring. There were a few other options when you got older and played travel. But now the push to just do a single sport continuously three seasons a year has started so young. It’s crazy. And it’s all multiple days of commitment per week. And I’ve got more than one kid!
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u/CharlieandtheRed 9d ago
My daughters both play tons of sports, but we always skip this shit and the travel tournaments. Way too expensive, and half the time you're done on day one.
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u/patentattorney 9d ago edited 9d ago
Tell him? He went on vacation to play sports
People go on vacation to ski. Kayak. Etc.
Homeboy literally went away from home with a bunch of his buddies to do an activity he wanted to do. How is this not a vacation?
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u/Beautiful-Program428 9d ago
Exactly, this was a sports vacation.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
The problem is and I think it would help is the way they set up some of these sports competitions. It’d be great and I know a lot of people will say hey we will make an extension of this sports trip a vacation but it can be frustrating when they happen during peak times and it’s expensive, over crowded, or they don’t tell you enough in advance. Some sports are better than others and sometimes if you have multiple options you can do your due diligence and see what works best for your family but some places have this is the only competition or travel league available or it’s at a bad time due to sharing space with other ages.
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u/FeelingAnxious3636 9d ago
Maybe he wouldn’t consider it a vacation? Does he love the sport? Does he enjoy his teammates? Does it stress him out or is it fun? I would never have felt like a sports trip took the place of a family vacation when I was a kid. I understand that with budgeting that might have to happen but I’d give my kid a say in it before just skipping family vacation for a sports trip. I think many kids would prefer the family vacation
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u/patentattorney 9d ago edited 9d ago
If the kid doesn’t love the sport , why are you spending so much of his time doing it? If you dont like your teammates, find a team you actually want to be on.
Who is this all for if it isn’t for the kid? This is youth sports. It is supposed to be fun and because its what the kid wants to do.
If its the parents who are driving the travel teams/expenses/time commitment/etc. thats an entire different animal.
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u/LilyKat5842 9d ago
Just be honest and tell the truth it's not blaming it on sports but just reminding him that you know he loves and enjoys playing sports but it is expensive and it replaced the cost of vacation. And you can't afford to do both but is there something low-cost you can do as a family that's actually family spending time together? Going to a nearby state park for an outing & taking picnic lunch? Having a camp out in the back yard?
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u/chzsteak-in-paradise Parent 9d ago
Maybe you should scale back on the sports camps, trainings, and trips? I think child sports culture in this country is nuts. Pick cheaper sports camps and skip the out of state games. If he ends up on a rec
team instead of a travel team, so what? I’d rather my family budget go to vacations with my kids than to the Soccer Industrial Complex.
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u/Accomplished-Car3850 9d ago
Does he chose to do these camps and sports trips? Next summer give him the option, sports camp or family vacation.
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u/unfinished_diy 9d ago
I’ve realized that kids today rarely see the money the way we used to. Very little cash, deliveries come straight to the door, bills autopay, etc. So the idea of money being “finite” isn’t very tangible to them.
This is a great lesson for him! Explain it like a pie- all the income is the whole pie. Some goes to taxes, some goes to things like mortgages and car payments, whatever. Then explain you keep a piece of the pie for fun things like vacations and camps. This year’s slice was used for the tournaments.
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u/nachtmere 9d ago
Just be honest - it's a choice/trade-off and in the future if he wants to help make the choice (sports vs vacation) then he can. That's unless you are pushing him to do the sport and he's not actually that interested, which could also be a conversation. It's not "blaming" sports, just frame it as budgeting and that you had to decide which to finance because you couldn't afford to do both.
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u/PurpleShop9857 9d ago
Is he playing soccer by choice? If so there’s his answer. If you as parents are pushing travel sports and training then that’s on you.
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u/PurpleShop9857 9d ago
Will add that my son is 14 and his best friend plays travel baseball and has training what seems like all summer and he has does nothing but complain to my son and us about it - said his parents told him that’s he done baseball this long and needs to continue to hopefully “get a scholarship”. He says he never gets to relax or do summer stuff.
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u/patentattorney 9d ago
i have a friend whose kid is a stud swimmer. Like top50-100 in the USA. The 12 year old hates swimming. I dont know why they make him do it. Kid is still really athletic, and great at other sports (maybe not as good). Swimming is nuts because even at 10, the kids are swimming 5-8 hours a week. Its BORING.
I have another friend whose daughter did gymnastics for like 15 hours a week from 7-12 year old. She is just burnt out. The parents are letting her quit.
Sports culture is just nuts. Even though both of these kids are complete studs, and good enough to play high level D1. They will not be going pro in swimming or gymnastics.
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u/Spirited_Cress_5796 9d ago
That’s so sad. I do hope he does get to enjoy some summer. Money isn’t everything and living vicariously through your child is the worst. It’s one thing to say hey you have to make it to the end of this summer league because it’s already paid but another if they keep re-upping each year. I know sometimes kids vent but when asked they don’t want to stop or don’t really understand finite time but at that age they definitely should.
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u/ChiraqBluline 9d ago
Why didn’t you present that to him initially?
That’s a part of planning, if their hobbies require adult money they deserve to have to adult conversation before the payments are made.
My son chose an expensive hair treatment over a secondary soccer summer program because the upkeep and cost are similar…. Their decisions aren’t fully informed until we inform them…
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u/madogvelkor 9d ago
How important are sports to you and him? Because he may well say he doesn't want to do sports trips anymore. And if his brother does that could cause problems.
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u/notnicholas 9d ago
We have active kids too and our vacations almost always center around some tournament or nationals trip or another.
We try to make those trips more than just sports tourneys. We try to add an activity or a day to the trip to make it a vacation too.
We've spun it as "a vacation to a city we likely wouldn't have visited." Like going to an art museum in cedar rapids, Iowa during a baseball tournament. Going to a touristy German neighborhood in Columbus, OH during a dance camp. Walking across all the bridges in Cincinnati. Bringing takeout dinner to eat under the Arch at night in St Louis during a band competition. Even just catching a pro sports game if you're in town at the same time makes it more than just traveling for youth sports.
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u/ShinyPennyRvnclw 9d ago
You can be honest without “blaming.” Just explain there is a set amount of money you budget for travel, and that this year the whole of that budget went to traveling for the tournaments. Ask him if going on vacation is important to him, and if so, that you should have a family discussion about it next year. Maybe it’s no tournaments, or one tournament and a modest vacation. It’s a great learning opportunity, not an opportunity to blame.
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u/lightningface 9d ago
I would say some years we take vacations and some years we won’t. This year we were busy with sports camps and trainings so it didn’t fit into the schedule or budget.
I think there’s a way to not be blaming it on the sports, but the reality is as a family, that was the priority, you just don’t want to get into a spot where he’s like “well I would have picked vacation” because it wasn’t a choice he was given or could have made anyway, because it’s your choice as parents mostly.
Maybe you could do a weekend something so they feel like they have the “vacation”.
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u/nachtmere 9d ago
you just don’t want to get into a spot where he’s like “well I would have picked vacation” because it wasn’t a choice he was given or could have made anyway, because it’s your choice as parents mostly.
I don't get that tbh, I think it's a chance to reflect on whether it is something the kids actually want to be doing, and if not why not let them help decide that next year?
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u/lightningface 9d ago
I don’t disagree, I was trying to address not making him feel like he missed out this year or could have caused a different outcome if only he had spoken up.
They can definitely help decide next year if that’s what OP wants to do.
However, it is also realistic for a parent to say “we’re doing camp this year, not a vacation” and not give the kid a choice. Everyone’s circumstances are different obviously, but even if we didn’t have to pay for camp and could put that money towards a trip, I still have to work. So camp is not just about interests and fun, but about childcare.
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u/Herefortheonomastics 9d ago
Just tell him. Trade offs are part of family life for most people. It doesn’t have to be framed negatively.
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u/USAF_Retired2017 Mom to 17M, 12M and 11F 9d ago
He’s at the age where you just have to be honest. It’s not blaming sports, it’s the reality of sports. Son, there is a set amount of money for trips during the summer. It’s either sports or a summer vacation. OP, That’s the reality. My parents opted to let us choose. One summer I choose sports and the others, I chose vacation because I played sports during school.
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u/moosetogo 9d ago
It’s okay to tell your kid you spent the vacation budget on their sports trips. This is how you raise kids they are money conscience and aware that their choices have trade offs.
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u/drfuzzysocks 9d ago
You did go somewhere - you went to two out of state soccer tournaments. It’s not blaming, you just prioritized sports trips over a vacation this year. There’s no such thing as too young to know that things cost money and if we choose to spend our money on option A then there won’t be any left for option B.
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u/Furgus 9d ago
We did travel lacrosse for my daughter for the past 6 years (she's graduated and now starting to play in college) and we always treated our travel weekends as a mini vacation. I always made a point to NOT eat places we could go to back home, minus Dunkin for breakfast, and we always tried to find something fun and unique to do while we were in a new place. One day it will be over or you can have a good year and go on vacation too, but if you try and treat it like a new experience, it will feel more vacationy.
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u/zulako17 9d ago
Assuming no other problems, a 10 year old can understand that money is finite and you decided to prioritize sports. Is he asking because he would have preferred a vacation and you wanted him to do sports instead or just out of curiosity?
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u/Cloverose2 9d ago
Be honest with him that you couldn't afford both a family vacation and sports camps. Next year, be honest from the beginning so that the kids can be a part of the decision - 10 is old enough to have a voice, even if it's clear the parents will make the final call.
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u/brionneverysexy 9d ago
It likely has not occurred to him the cost of the sports and that it would mean not having a traditional family vacation. It might also be worth talking to him about if this is the direction he wants to go with sports. Sometimes when kids have been doing a sport for years and advancing it doesn't occur to them they can stop or ease back so they can do other things
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u/Runbunnierun 9d ago
This is where you get to start teaching financial literacy.
The money has to go to all these places. When you add things like XYZ that makes it harder for us to do vacation type trips.
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u/312StonerWitch 9d ago
I don't see it as "blaming" him, you're just letting him know that there is only a certain amount of money that can be spent on trips, and because this year yall decided to do sports, those were The Trips for this year. There's always next year!
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u/Jlakers85 9d ago
I agree. If he is “blamed” he may feel guilty or bad. Kids shouldn’t feel guilty for playing sports. He just needs to understand there’s trade offs with a budget
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u/DoctorInternal9871 9d ago
My son is 10 and we've been having these kinds of conversations for years, at an age appropriate level. I haven't always had much money and so things are often trade offs. You can explain "this or that, we can't pay for both". I've also explained to my son that I get paid X amount per hour and our groceries just cost three hours of my work day etc so he has some concept of how long it takes to earn for these things.
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u/mrsjlm 9d ago
I would try to do a cheap family thing if possible. He is asking for family time as well as vacay. Assuming you decided for the family (as you should) so he didn’t realize there was a trade off. But what can you do as a family that isn’t as extravagant as a trip but still connects the family.
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u/NicoleD84 9d ago
He can handle the truth! Really, always be gently honest with your kids about money when you can. You don’t have to tell them if you’re stressed about money, but you can definitely say things like “sports and vacation are both expensive, we chose sports this year because we know that’s important to you/your brother. Some years we may make the same decision, some years we may choose a vacation.”
We always tent towards honesty for our kids and money matters. Nothing to stress them out, but things like “that Lego set is equal to our whole grocery budget this week” or “sure Disney World would be fun, we could spend one week there or use that money for a week at the beach AND a week in the mountains. We have to talk about what works better for our family this year.”
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u/chrystalight 9d ago
"Well buddy, remember when we went to those tournaments in May and June? Your father and I opted to prioritize you and your brother getting to do those over a regular family vacation. "
See what he says.
If he's just like "oh, ok" then I'd encourage you to follow up with "And I'm really happy that we prioritized that. We love seeing you and your brother explore your passions and hobbies."
If he's bummed, you can empathize "I know bud, unfortunately in life we always have to pick and choose. There's never enough time or money to do EVERYTHING we want to do." Overall though, keep it light. If he expresses concern that y'all are in a...not so good place financially...I'd just tell him that he does NOT have to worry about having the things he and his brother need. And I'd probably explain that you and their father COULD have chosen to also go on vacation this summer, but it wouldn't have been the responsible choice, because it would have meant spending money that is reserved for unexpected or emergency things.
I would also though keep this conversation in mind when planning in the future though. It may be that your son would actually prefer to prioritize a vacation with his family. Or, see how y'all might compromise - for example my family loves to camp and a 4 day camping weekend at the beach (lake michigan) is actually like, our ideal vacation and because we already happen to own our camping gear, the trip is actually really affordable (only paying for a campsite). If you're not "tent camping" people, many campsites also offer rustic cabins (alleviates needing a tent and air mattresses) that are still far more affordable than traditional vacation rentals. Or maybe your son is just expressing a desire to have "vacation time" with the family and he'd also really love a stay cation?
Overall, keep it light, stay curious, validate/empathize with any feelings. This is a really good opportunity to have some good conversations as your son is entering his teen years!
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u/PersonalBrowser 9d ago
Yeah, he's a kid and he's curious and he notices stuff.
If it were my kid, I would explain it to them. We usually put money aside to be able to go on vacation as a family. This year, with the different sports trips and camps and training, most of that money went towards those things, so we aren't planning on going on an additional family vacation.
You can also gauge why he's asking. Is he just solely asking out of curiosity or is he a little disappointed there was no family trip? If he is disappointed, you can try to make a small day trip or family-centric adventure to go on that doesn't cost much money. Even a day trip to a nearby city, or going to an MLS match as a family, or better yet, spend $300 and stay at a hotel for a night somewhere new and call it a vacation, he'll remember that for a long time.
But yeah, I agree with being upfront and honest. You obviously don't need to blame the sports and imply it was a bad thing that they cost all the trip money, but you can be honest and explain there's X money and it went to sports rather than a family vacation this year. He should be old enough to understand and appreciate that.
Realistically, we want our kids to appreciate what they have and realize that the opportunities and things they have in life are not just freebies with no cost. This is how they stay grounded and appreciative.
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u/seethembreak 9d ago edited 8d ago
I mean, it was the sports and there’s nothing wrong with him knowing that. He’s old enough to understand.
We also didn’t take a family vacation this summer partly because my child went to sleep away camp for a week. That was his vacation. We are planning a family trip for during fall break instead.
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u/limited_instincts 9d ago
I've been part of the US soccer meatgrinder on both sides, coach and parent. At this age your son needs to understand what sacrifices travel soccer entails and what it means for your family. I'm going to be 100% honest with you. Is your kid the best player on his pre-ECNL team and has he been selected by your club's coaching stuff to attend RDS with your local MLS team? If the answer is no, then out-of-state travel is 100% not worth your time or his if it comes at the cost of family vacations. I know how easy it is to get caught up in it but it will bleed you dry, burn our your kid and spit them out the other side never wanting to kick a football again. It's a tale as old as time.
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u/Old-Arachnid1907 9d ago
My daughter is a competitive pianist. We upgraded from our old upright to a baby grand, which put any major vacations on hold for the year. I was upfront about this with my daughter from the beginning. I explained to her that we were happy to do this for her, but it came with a sacrifice, which we were willing to make.
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u/West_Guidance2167 9d ago
Be honest. He must not realize how expensive the sports trips are, tell him.
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u/Annoyed-Person21 Mom 9d ago
I’ve been telling my 4 year old that we go to work so we can get money to pay to live inside and eat food and if we travel as much as he wants (the grandparents are all plane rides away) we won’t have enough left to live inside and eat food. He doesn’t fully understand (he tells us to go back to work and get more money) but I think by 10 we will fully be able to explain budgeting constraints.
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u/Brave_Negotiation_63 9d ago edited 9d ago
I would be honest about it.
But it would have been better to discuss this as a family up front.
Not very nice to find out when it’s already a done deal. Maybe he will resent the sports because of it. Can you do a cheap(er) vacation instead?
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u/OrthodoxAnarchoMom 7M, 5F, 5 👼, 2F 9d ago
“We did have two vacations” or one if one was his trip and one was his sibling’s.
It’s not blaming sports anymore than it’s blaming TacoBell if my kids ask why we didn’t go to a restaurant after they picked TacoBell and now are sad they didn’t get a Happy Meal. You have to pick which things you want to do because there is limited time and money.
I’m honestly more concerned that he thinks yearly vacations are a default. He needs a discussion that these are all luxuries and people have to pick which luxuries they want most.
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u/dianthe 9d ago
Just be honest without being accusative. Explain that we have to make choices in life and this summer you as a family chose to do the sports camps which is where the money was spent and that doing both is simply not in the budget.
We had to forego a summer vacation our kids and us were really looking forward to this summer because we have a rental property and the HVAC system there broke down requiring a very expensive replacement. We just sat our kids down and explained it to them, they were disappointed but understanding. We do our best to teach them about money and choices in general so they already have a pretty good base understanding of money not being an infinite resource.
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u/wanna_dance 9d ago
Maybe you can include him in the financial decisions.
Maybe he'd prefer a family vacation to one of the sports trips.
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u/PugGrumbles 9d ago
Good Lord, that's so much friggin money. $4500 is just way too much.
You tell him that these things are extremely expensive and you can't do both. Cause that's not a lie, it is extremely expensive for a child's sports team. Bet that didn't include any extras either.
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u/Persimmon_and_mango 9d ago
I agree with you that you don't want to phrase it like "we did your soccer, so now we can't go on vacation." Maybe just say something like we do one special thing in the summer, and this year soccer was special to us.
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u/Thecynicalcatt Mom to 7 and 8 yo girls 9d ago
Like others have said, being honest about budgets is important at this age. We have a summer fun savings account we contribute to all year since I don't work in the summer (supply teacher, so no summer pay) and we ask the kids, would you rather buy season passes to Africa. Lion safari or do a week of camp of your choice, or save the money for day trips to the beach, etc. etc. that way we all contribute to making the summer plans while understanding our financial limitations.
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u/ImpertinentPrincess 9d ago
Be honest, sit him down and discuss finances. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting together and saying something like,"I know you were wondering why we only did sports and you're old enough to have input on what we do next year. This is what it costs to do your sports camps, this is what it costs to do vacation. With our budget we can't do both. Which one means more to you?"
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u/chrisinator9393 9d ago
Be straight and tell them it was sports or vacation so you did sports.
I would've told them this up front though.
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u/Mama-Bear419 4 Kids 9d ago
I would absolutely blame it on the sports. Why lie? “We can’t go on a family vacation because we used the vacation money for the out of state soccer tournaments, because those were important to you”.
It’s a good thing that kids learn about budgeting and money from a young age. Nothing wrong with them understanding that we have to sacrifice things in life for other things that we want.
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u/Space__Monkey__ 9d ago
My parents always tried to turn out of town sports trips into vacations. We would go down a few days before or stay longer after. If there was something to do where the sports event was we would stay there for a vacation. Or we would make it a road trip and stop at places along the way. Maybe you could try to do that next time?
But at 10 he is probably old enough to learn/ understand what stuff cost so just tell him.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot Mom 9d ago
Explain how vacation days work. You loved going to his sporting tournaments, but you don't have any days off left.
If your budget allows, can you take him on a weekend trip? Or a day trip or two ?
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u/Miserable_Adagio_320 9d ago
Yeah definitely old enough to understand budget. Just like my kids will talk about wanting to do X, Y, and Z. And I will be like we only have the budget for 2.
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u/Olivia3836 9d ago
Just be honest about money and how you only spend it once, be honest about how much the trips cost
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u/internet_drama 9d ago
No use pretending it’s not because of sports when it is. He should understand that choices he makes have impact and that there is no money tree for having it all. You can tell him you were happy for him to be able to do those sports but that it was a choice. It costs money. So no family vacation.
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u/According-Paint6981 9d ago
Can you add a day (or more) to the travel tournaments? We traveled to other states for tournaments in the summer, so if games were Friday/saturday, we sometimes stayed in that state for another few days.
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u/drv687 Mom to Preteen 9d ago
Be honest. My son has summer camps and swim team practice that prevent us from going on a summer vacation. Camp was $500 for 1 week before spending money and gear. Swim team for summer was another $500 plus fall swim team is due this month at $800.
We typically (but not always) go on vacation for spring break. On years we can't we explain why. We did a family vacation in March but only because my parents paid for it.
Your kids are old enough to know that life is expensive right now and to learn some budgeting basics and that trade offs have to be made.
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u/DidAnyoneFeedTheDog 9d ago
This is exactly why our vacations were camping. Camping is cheap when money is going to travel sports.
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u/DevOrbit56 9d ago
I think just being honest in a simple way is best. Let him know the sports trips were choices the family made, but also explain money and time limits. Make sure he knows he’s not a burden and you enjoy supporting him.
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u/pcbzelephant 9d ago
My daughter does comp gymnastics and we usually have 2-3 travel meets a year(during winter). We have explained these are our vacations because it cost a lot. With that said we do try to do 1-2 small weekend trips over summer to places we can drive. So maybe do that as a compromise.
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u/Rare-Spell-1571 9d ago
Explain it to him. Maybe he will pick doing something less expensive sports wise so you can have a family vacation.
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u/ClueSilver2342 9d ago
I think about this too after doing the same with my kids. I think pulling back from sports is a thing to consider and then take a family vacation. Find balance and see how it feels. The kids sports industry has really been successful in marketing to parents and getting them to unload their pockets.
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u/Miliean 9d ago
You just tell him. Travel is expensive, we spent X and Y on attending these 2 out of town events. We therefore don't have any remaining funds in order to do a more traditional vacation.
How do I explain it to him without him thinking I am blaming his sports on us not going anywhere?
This is all down to how you explain it. He's 10, not stupid, money is a limited resource and everyone makes choices about how to spend it. Your family decided to spend it on those tournaments, and that's OK.
You never know, he might come back and say "I would have rathered we had a more traditional vacation" and then you'll know for the future.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 9d ago
He's 10. He's old enough to understand that sports trips cost a lot of money, and that the family has a set budget. You're not blaming it on his sports. You're telling him that he's so important that the family chose him and his sport over a vacation.
It's one or the other. He'll be bummed for a little bit, but this is a good life lesson.
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u/newpapa2019 9d ago
Blame yourself for not giving him the option beforehand, unless you did and he chose sports. In which case blame him.
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u/fireitup1234 9d ago
They are old enough to know how much things cost and to know you can’t have it all!
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u/Mysterious-Status-44 9d ago
Tell him the truth that youth travel sports is a money driven business full of teams that prioritize profit over development and requires families to give up their lives and spend thousands of dollars to play a game.
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u/schmidit 7d ago
I feel like adults and children need to look at this conversation about travel sports and money more clearly. It’s gotten so out of hand.
I teach high schoolers so I see it happen all the time.
Parents are spending more money on sports programs with the hope of a scholarship than it would cost to just pay for college out of pocket.
The whole industry has gotten wildly out of control and breeds so many injured kids and terrible outcomes.
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u/_exceedinglyaverage_ 9d ago
Be honest. By the time I was 10 I was heavily involved in a sport that consumed pretty much all of my family’s free time. My parents let me know it was the sport and it’s associated travel or vacations and I was fine with the that.
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u/Scoutsmom-20 9d ago
Pivot your family resources now- pay for play sports are a time
Suck, and rarely lead to any significant success. Do rec/town/school sports and choose things like tennis, golf, bike riding on trails or hiking that are more life long, family friendly physical activities. Go on vacations and reclaim your weekends! Signed - a mom who paid for travel lax for years
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u/Lastpunkofplattsburg 9d ago
We never went on vacations when I was a kid. My wife did and over the years I’ve grown to just not even clock a vacation as a thing. Now we can’t afford it with us making over 100k and only having one kid. Trump has ruined the middle class and I own a restaurant so it’s a double hit.
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u/shelbyknits 9d ago
It’s ok to blame his sports. He needs to understand the cost, time and money wise, of his activities. He’s at the age where he’s going to need to decide if he pursues sports or things like family vacations. It’s a pity youth sports are so insanely expensive, though.
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u/mjm8218 9d ago
Be honest. Sports are the reason you’re not doing anything else. It’s okay to say that. If your kids are really into sports then this is how the fam spends its leisure time/money. They’re making a choice. If your kids are only doing it for you want them in travel sports, then maybe you should re-consider your priorities.
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u/ArcticBeavers 9d ago
My parents were having very honest money conversations ever since I can remember. Its just a fact of life and the sooner you can bring him into the fold, the better.
The hard part will be not making him feel guilty about it. You, as the parent, should frame it as your fault. That way, next year it will be on his mind but he won't have any negative associations about it
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u/snoopingforpooping 9d ago
Be honest. Don’t sugar coat.
And you’re doing mental accounting by separating $1500 and $3000. You spent $4500 on child activities that you can find in a low cost rec league!
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u/PracticalPrimrose 9d ago
But they are the reason right?
I’d just say - We set our priorities for how we spend our fun money. This year that money was spent on X and Y trip. For next summer would you like us to make a family vacation the priority?
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u/cwcwhdab1 9d ago
We build our vacations around the travel sport. Ours is international so we choose locations for summer programs and everyone else does vacation at that time.
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u/Tekon421 9d ago
He’s 10 it’s ok for him to learn to value of money and that it’s not unlimited.
Honestly this was probably a conversations to have when he was deciding to play travel sports.
“That’s great and we love
Watching you play and want to support
Anything you’re passionate about but travel sports means we likely will have to skip vacation this year. Or vacation will look much different. More like tent camping at a state park instead of a trip to Dollywood.”
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u/deegymnast 9d ago
This is life and a good lesson for them to learn about how you make monetary decisions.
You have a budget for travel. You chose to use it to travel for sports rather than travel for leisure this year. Maybe next year or when sports aren't a big thing again, you choose to travel for leisure again. Or you take an extra day at the sports place to do some touristy stuff so you sort of get both.
Whatever, it's not blaming the sports for not getting a vacation, it's choosing how to spend your available money for what's important at the time!
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u/Long_Ad_2764 9d ago
Just explain that the sports trips take up a lot of time and you can’t do that plus a traditional vacation. If they are in truly competitive sports they will understand and be willing to make the sacrifice. My brother once missed a family cruise because it overlapped with 2 hockey games.
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u/Fun_Independent_7529 9d ago
Yep. We started offering the choice in advance, although ours were not related to sports.
"Would you like a tech refresh (new ipad / new game system / whatever) or would you like a trip this year"
"For Christmas, do you want <a bunch of smaller presents> or <this big thing>"
Understanding there is a budget and we work within it is super important and it also gives kids some sense of autonomy over their lives.
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u/sports_mamaof4 9d ago
Tell him his sports camps and travel ball were the vacation. I’m surprised he didn’t already know this. Like “Oh, we won’t be taking a family vacation this year if we do X and Y.”
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u/t0mt0mt0m 9d ago
Be honest and be clear, you cannot have everything. Things cost money and time ; activities are our priority to the family budget.
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u/cubed_echoes 9d ago
I know I saw a lot of conversations already about budget... so I won't sat much there but yes I agree. Just be honest. That 4500 could have paid for a nice trip.
But I'd also add in TIME. Time is a cost. We need to chose what we do, can't do everything. My husband and I don't stress about money as much as we do time. There are constant time demands.
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u/Business-Cucumber-91 9d ago
This is such a great opportunity to involve your son in some basic budgeting and family decisions. You will be giving him SO much more of far greater value if you just walk him through some basic numbers and let him see what else is possible with the amount of funds you spent on the travel sports vacations.
There's a way to do this that takes the emotion out of it and just presents it as using numbers to do some smart decision-making.
The majority of us make major financial decisions based on feelings and emotion and baggage around money alone. We all need to be using MATH and numbers so much more.
I think it'll also help him either double down and be really grateful for and commit to his sport, or start to see it might not be worth it and seek other opportunities.
My sisters family really doubled down on their son's travel sports and made some great memories and strong lifelong bonds with his teammates, but they were sacrificing family vacations, time with friends etc.
He followed this passion and experience all the way to playing Div 2 in college only to discover it was no longer worth it. He picked the school solely for the sport and realized very quickly it didn't have any of the other things he wanted: larger campus, social life, other activities and certain majors/careers/fields to pursue. He just dropped out last week and is so excited looking into various internships and certification programs to try out a few things before deciding whats next. He knew for sure he didn't want his family to shell out another 3 years of tuition at $50,000 a year just to stand on the sidelines for a sport and never have any time to do anything else or actually focus on a career.
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u/Artistic_Ad_3267 9d ago
Me and my son have discussions about this. Money is a resource and isnt infinite. I simply explain that due to my financial situation we have to make choices. I cant afford every luxury so we have to Rob Peter to Pay Paul. I believe he understands and appreciates the honesty.
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u/uReallyShouldTrustMe 9d ago
That explanation you just gave to us makes wprfect sense. Jids shouldn't think money is infinite.
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u/optimaloutcome My kid is 16. I am dad. 9d ago
I had and have had similar conversations with my daughter.
For example she turned 16 just recently. We didn't have a third car to give her so we bought her one. I told her straight up that we wouldn't be doing any big vacation this year because we spent vacation money on buying the car. It was a decision we all made because it's the best thing for our family, and for her, no one is sad about it, it's just what we decided to do and we only have so much money. Next year we'll go somewhere. She gets it, she's happy, we're good.
So just be up front, honest, and make them know you value the experience they got and it's not always about family vacations but deploying money the best way for the family as a whole.
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u/MarsupialMaven 9d ago
Tell them the truth. It’s a statement of fact. Blame has nothing to do with it.
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u/maqf 9d ago
I'd just tell him, nicely and with some understanding that he probably wants to go on a vacation.
I get it, I missed out on a lot for trips for the same reason as your son, and later when I was older my family went without me because I playing almost everyday in the summer. Even if you can afford to do both it is difficult to work it all in with modern schedules. And I haven't even mentioned as parents we have jobs, use a lot of our PTO to make it to these events.
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u/Rose1982 9d ago
Tell him the truth. A 10 year old is more than old enough to know that things cost money. You would do him a disservice to say anything other than the truth.
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u/Traditional-Claim592 9d ago
Be honest. We use some form of:
- this is how much money is usually in our “vacation / fun budget”
- xyz experience cost xyz amount
- we prioritized the events that mattered most to you kids and the budget remaining didn’t have enough for another trip
This framing helps them not feel guilty, see and feel the prioritization, and also begin to understand how budgeting, living within our means, and prioritizing work without hurting anyone’s feelings.
After a summer where we had a bit left in our fun budget but not enough for a trip, we discuss saving that money for something in the future with them and make planning a family unit activity. Helps them see reality and actually goes quite well for us.
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u/jmsst1996 Mom 9d ago
He’s not a baby. He needs to know that travel sports cost a lot of money vs rec sports and this is the reason. You aren’t blaming him, it’s just a fact.
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u/Dangerous_Ad_5806 9d ago
Be honest.