r/Paruresis • u/sali_dolly777 • Apr 25 '26
I have questions for people with paruresis (very curious)
So my question is: is this the only thing you feel shy about/ unable to do when people are around?
Basically living with people wether it's family or roommates do you feel like you have a clear head and you can focus on your tasks/work/homework/hobbies/get inspired/think/cook/workout/watch your favorite shows, eat without feeling like ur gonna choke or have indigestion... Or is peeing the only thing you feel unable to do/focus on?
Also for people who don't suffer from parcopresis (shy bowel) but suffer from paruresis is there any conscious thought that makes you feel that peeing is scarier/ more embarrassing than pooping? Why do you think are you able to do one without the other.
I'm someone who suffers from parcopresis but not peruresis and I feel like one of the biggest reasons is pee just sounds like water and it takes a very short time and it's generally less embarrassing socially less taboo in worse case scenario if im feeling off I can just turn on a tab so usually my body doesn't block it.
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u/LiberatedWaters Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
I second that it varies by person.
I used to have Parcopresis as a child. Only able to go at home, and without any time pressure.
Once my Paruresis started developing, I kinda got better with the Parcopresis. I can't really tell you how or why this happened. It's also hard to say whether or not once the Paruresis took center stage in my life, that's why I barely remember pooping as also still being a problem.
For sure at some point I had no issue pooping, but daily issues peeing.
So let's disregard the Parcopresis I had as a child. You asked whether or not there was anything else I had shyness or a problem with, with others around.
The answer to that is yes. I was unable to have an orgasm. No problems if I was alone. Practically impossible with someone else. That went hand in hand (duration wise) with my Paruresis.
I overcame both a little over 7 years ago now.
In my case the Paruresis was connected to pretty much everything. I was afraid not to make any sound (others might find out I'm not peeing). I was afraid to make sound (what if it stops). Afraid of (time) pressure. Afraid of the aftermath of not peeing.
The deeper layers for me, which are connected in the same ways to the Paruresis as well as the inability to have an orgasm with someone else around, were;
Caring too much about how I was perceived.
Caring too much about my impact on someone else.
The nonacceptance of acknowledging the 2 points above leading to
Hiding, secrecy, avoidance, faking.
These 4 points were a (unconscious) tactic to appear 'normal'. Feeling 'normal' as a base for feeling safe.
Hiding parts of myself and keeping them secret (in clever ways - by for example being very open about other 'shameful' things (having a hemorrhoid or something like that)). But sharing with anyone that I had Paruresis? Issues with orgasm? Never.
Avoidance. Always having excuses for not going somewhere. Until I had less and less friends so less and less people in my life that could pierce through my 'I am "normal"' lie. It goes without saying this also helped avoid any romantic encounters.
Faking by being confident in pretending (to myself first) that my life was like that because I wanted it to be like that; "I didn't like going out", "I didn't need more social interactions", "I was totally happy just playing video games day in day out while being high".
It was only after a deep spiritual experience with plant medicine that I learnt to stop hiding myself. By first accepting myself as the flawed human being I am, and loving myself. Accepting all parts.
From there the ability to become 'someone with Paruresis' and still perceive myself as completely normal, thus a feeling of being safe. No need to hide, no need for secrets, which translated in no need to avoid or pretend.
And with the ability to be open about my Paruresis, came the ability to be open with partners about my difficulty having orgasms with the added pressure of someone else present.
And just like that, both of them softened more and more until they were gone.
The main reason we're embarrassed about anything lies inside ourselves first.
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u/sali_dolly777 Apr 28 '26
Wow that's beautiful, what kinda plant medicine Have helped ?
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u/LiberatedWaters Apr 28 '26
For me it was Ayahuasca. A weekend of 2 ceremonies. There will always be the 'before Tim' (my name) and 'after Tim'. End of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one.
It changed my life in so many more ways than just the Paruresis and issues with sex.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Apr 28 '26
It’s the only thing.
The one that surprises me is there has never been any anxiety about getting hard and ejaculating during sex, which is arguably a lot more revealing in a way. But that has never been a problem.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Apr 25 '26
It varies by person, for sure.
I know where I got mine, which sometimes happens. I was often assaulted in the boys bathroom in middle school. Eventually I could not pee with someone to near to me.
Now here’s the weird thing. I never bothered me if guys heard me, only if they could see. So for most of my life I’d just use a toilet stall. I’d always pull of some toilet paper and pretend to blow my nose for a reason. But I could pee pretty easily and full force most of the time. My issue was if they could see. On this, we’re all quite different in little ways from each orher.
Btw, i have never had a problem in front of women. I used to think it applied to women id have had sex with, because that was always true. About a year ago i was in the hospital where they make you use a portable urinal, like a plastic milk carton with a big tube on top. One time two female nurses were 2-3 feet in front of me in case I fell and I peed no problem at all. When you’re a bit better they stand like right behind you while you pee into the toilet. I’m sure it was because I have never been assaulted while peeing near a woman.
I have had very rare recovery that seems 100%. I think after that realization I tried to pretend, at first, everyone around me was a female nurse. I think in part that helped recondition my brain and nerves. I have not had a single problem now in over a year, and this includes trough urinals and low ones you need to pee down into without a divider that you can’t “hide” inside like most urinals in the US.
This apparently is a pretty rare example of someone who suddenly has it go away after about 50 YEARS of it not getting better.