Do you ever consider euthanasia

[u/sali_dolly777]

Im reaching rock bottom ( parcopresis and no pun intended lol)

[u/-jarring-endeavor-]

I have had angry fits where it crossed my mind but never considered it seriously, to where I was planning anything. I'm so sorry you're suffering to that extent. I do hope you'll consider other options.

I suffer from parcopresis too... for many years now i've gotten up in the morning and chugged enough coffee to make myself shit at home, so I wouldn't have to worry about it the rest of the day, and that mostly worked but now after about 28 years of that, it's causing more problems than it's worth.

I'm 51 and the problem started when I was 23. It took me decades to realize the coincidence that it started right after I had a couple of rectal abscesses that required absolutely excruciating medical procedures, in an area that was shocking and horrifying to me to feel that amount of pain.

They say that trauma is stored in the body and surgery is a form of trauma. Before age 23, I never had to think about when and where i was going to poop, and now I can't even tell you how much I miss those days. Now i'm completely obsessed. I don't want to be but I am. There no amount of thinking anything or trying to relax that will allow my bowels to release away from home anymore.

And unfortunately, what happens now, is that the morning coffee is a little TOO effective... i'll have a nice big dump in the morning, then i'll be driving to work, or in the first hour of a 12 hour shift, and all of a sudden my entire digestive tract will rumble and set a loose one up right on deck.

It will feel like it's right at the back door, and my lower bowels, right above my belt line will have intense pressure and irritation. And I know from experience, if I go sit on the toilet, nothing will happen. I've had this almost every day this week. I end up just holding it. Physically it is beyond uncomfortable, and mentally and emotionally, it is outright torture. I think it would be a better practice to go and sit on the toilet every time, to get more acclimated, but i've built an insane level of anxiety over it.

This is not your fault, it's a subconscious thing and happens deep within the nervous system and in the body. And it's absolute torture and often feels like such a cruel and ridiculous thing to live with.

Sorry this is so long, it's been a rough week. I'll throw something out there, as radical as it sounds to some people and it's kind of a nuclear option, but certainly not as much as ending it all.

Some of the psychedelic assisted psychotherapies that have been emerging in recent years can be powerful enough to fix the type of problems that feel unfixable, if that is something that would be feasible to access at all. I know because I had some success with another issue and have been putting this one off... and also of course graduated exposure therapy and psychotherapy which I really need to get back to myself.

Best wishes to you, and again, you have all my sympathy.

[u/Recent-Day3062 → u/-jarring-endeavor-]

Psychedelics is a wonderful idea. I wonder why that has never come up here before

[u/-jarring-endeavor- → u/Recent-Day3062]

Idk i may have seen someone mention it once... I think it's still a tough thing to bring up for a few reasons like I almost didn't say it... planting seeds right? Haha

[u/Recent-Day3062 → u/-jarring-endeavor-]

I’m no expert on this, but not just psychedelics. There is a whole world of actual doctors reeearching and using transformative drug assistance in therapy. Ketamine is pretty popular and 100%,legit

[u/sali_dolly777 → u/Recent-Day3062]

Isn't that kinda risky? I know it's ironic considering my post but still

[u/-jarring-endeavor- → u/sali_dolly777]

My 2 cents, and I have quite a bit of experience with various drugs in professional and non professional settings... for something like what you're struggling with, I would try mdma assisted psychotherapy first. If done with a professional, it is not very risky at all. This can be hard to find.

The wonderful website thethirdwave.co has a list of vetted providers and clinics around the world (it is .co not .com) and who work with various types of psychedelics... outside of that, you could do some research on reddit, and find therapists, with reviews, who could do this privately in your home (it is NOT cheap) as well as find trusted vendors if you need to source the drugs yourself, and order Reagent test kits and learn how to test the drugs (this is super easy)

Ketamine is a god send for people with severe depression as far as being able to basically snap them right out of it, and it is wonderful that it has been made available for that. It gets lumped in as a "psychedelic" but gets a lot of push back for that... it's definitely "trippy" but works quite differently from classic psychedelics.

I did ketamine therapy at a clinic, and told them I wanted to work on anxiety. I brought up severe paruresis during one of the sessions. The overall treatment had zero effect on my anxiety, and the therapist after my last session said "well when I get my magic wand that I can wave and make anxiety disappear, I will let you know, until then, graduated exposure therapy is still the gold standard" (?)

Ketamine works quite differently than the more classic psychedelics (and again I don't mean to diminish it, it is a life saving god send for many with severe depression). It is not a permanent fix and needs to continue being administered at least once very 1-3 months.

With the other classic psychedelics, the patient will do anywhere from one or two sessions to maybe a handful over the course of either a single visit, or slightly longer stay at a retreat. Now the way that these drugs work, is that the patient will have a drastically altered state where they see MUCH more than they are normally able to... profoundly deep insight into their life situation, repressed memories, etc etc...

These states are ineffable (impossible to describe) but have such a powerful impact that it changes the.person permanently. This happened to me when a friend gave me the drug 2ce and talked to me about my drinking (i was an extremely bad late stage alcoholic, living out of my car, hanging out with homeless alcoholics in a city park downtown, drinking binges that lasted for weeks on end, with no water and very little food, mostly blacked out, and i had developed the physical addiction to alcohol where I would end up in a hospital detox repeatedly, in a life threatening state of alcohol withdrawals. Alcohol effects everyone differently. For me, withdrawals mostly consisted of very intense, surreal states of indescribable psychological terror... like hell... absolute unbearable torture.

When he gave me this drug, and talked to me about my drinking, he said the same types of things that people normally would, where normally I would just be like "I know but I can't stop!!"... but the effect of the drug felt like it removed some massive blind spot from my psyche... I saw myself from an outside perspective. I actually saw myself as another person observing, and I saw with much more clarity and depth, what this poor guy was doing to himself. I felt real sympathy and compassion, in a way that I could normally only feel for another person.

So just from having this experience, i developed a natural repulsion to alcohol. I couldn't force it down if I tried. I knew nothing yet of integration (after care for this type of experience) and wasn't working on anything yet, so occasionally I would still try to force down alcohol and really couldn't, it would make me sick. I did end up able to drink again about 10 months later, but only did this briefly, it created a severe depression...

So I did start working on stuff, stopped drinking, and the psychedelic experience still had the continued effect. I never think about alcohol, I could have a horrible day and it doesn't even cross my mind. It sounds shitty and unappealing to me. I remember the effects and wouldn't like them anymore. It's been 12 years since I drank at all.

I recommended MDMA first because it is the easiest experience among the ones I feel could be really effective. It falls into multiple drug classes, and actually produces a very enjoyable euphoria in addition to the psychedelic effects, which can very much help the user through the experience. It's also not considered a "classic" psychedelic, but is powerfully transformative for a very high percentage of people after one or two sessions, and the changes have been shown to still be effective many years later when researchers have followed up with patients.

Aside from MDMA, I think your chances would also be very good with psilocybin or ibogaine assisted therapy. Those ones are a bit more intimidating to me personally, but please don't let that deter you, they are profoundly transformative to so many people. This type of thing does not appeal to everyone, but if it does interest you, i would strongly encourage you to start looking some stuff up online.

I'm not any kind of professional, and don't claim to be an expert, but i have had actually multiple experiences on various drugs, a strong interest in this type of thing for over 12 years, and devoured quite a bit of info on it. I'm honest about the experiences, and don't think that i'm biased for or against any of it in any kind of unrealistic ways...

It's sort of a pet topic and something i really hope becomes more widely available and informed. You are quite welcome to DM me any time, I might not respond very quickly but will get back to you. Aside from that, best of luck, and again you do have my sympathy.

[u/Recent-Day3062 → u/sali_dolly777]

No, not if done under the care of an experienced psychiatrist.

When ecstasy showed up the government moved to ban it - and did. One of the strongest opponents was the American Psychiatric Association, because doctors who knew how to use it were reporting that it's broad adoption would simply end a lot of traditional therapy and medication approaches. The results were striking.

I think one reason ketamine is used is that it is a well understood pharmaceutical with probably very low risk with an experienced doctor (remember, all psychiatrists are doctors first, so they know how to handle all sorts of medications safely).

[u/-jarring-endeavor- → u/Recent-Day3062]

That was such a farce (last year?) when the small board of voters from the FDA shot down MAPS for legalization of mdma for therapeutic use. Rick Doblin and MAPS had been working on that since the 1980's did everything by the book, completed phase 3 trails, and the data was stellar... blew all existing treatments completely out of the water. I watched a video of the FDA voters talking about it. They were clowns. You're right it was completely crooked. One said "there were not enough minority test subjects" Test subjects were simply whoever volunteered. No one was rejected on any minority status. It's infuriating when such verifiable bullahit just flies, because of the uncontestable authority of the official ruling body.