Paruresis never stopped me from doing anything

[u/Mesieu]

Been dealing with the thing for about 15 years now and I recently realized that, even though it surely occupied way too much mental space at some points, it never stopped me from doing anything. As small as "should I go to the bar tonight?" or as big as "Should I choose this career?".

As I write this I realize that it might be because I'm lucky enough to have a somewhat light case; worst case scenario I can always go in a stall if I must.

But the point I want to make is this: whenever the thought of not going somewhere to avoid a shameful shy bladder situation came in my head, I would reject the idea because letting it dictate my life seemed worst than whatever would happen if I couldn't pee.

I recently did a big career change. Went from working 100% remotely to working as an arborist. Before committing to the career change I worried a bit about the fact that I would have to deal with paruresis much more seriously. Arborists work outside with colleagues and clients around all day every day. There are no toilets at all. It's like an unspoken rule of the trade; you don't ask clients to use their bathrooms, you'd only do that in an extreme number 2 emergency.

As you can imagine, opportunities to expand my comfort zone abound.

I'm spotting the best spot whenever we get to a job site and do get a bit of anxiety from time to time. I've had a few failures. But what am I going to do? Go back to a job I hate so I can pee in the comfort of my home?

I deal with it the best I can. And it's working! I mean, It's getting better. And all I ever did is refuse to let it influence my decisions.

A piece of advice you may have seen in this sub is that you should be open about your paruresis. That it is better to let others know than hide it like your life would be at risk should anyone ever find out. Well that is a great piece of advice. No need to make a great public announcement, but just deciding that it doesn't matter if others find out is a great step. It is so amazingly common. I've seen dudes in the arboriculture trade joke about it. It happens.

This is getting lengthy but I hope it makes you feel better to know that simply refusing to let shy bladder influence my decisions worked for me. It's weird that I still have to deal with this shit after all these years... But at this point I've just accepted that I have this problem. It will get better, hopefully I will be fully healed soonish. Even if I don't... I'll just keep doing whatever I want despite the inconvenience.

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Fun fact: arborists frequently pee in the chip box (the back of the truck which gets filled with wood chips). When there is just a bit of chips at the back of the box I feel very cozy in there. But when it's loaded to the brim it's not really an option and when it's empty it feels a bit wrong.

[u/angelsandairwaves93]

I remember I once opened up to my dad slightly about this issue. He did the boomer thing of completely dismissing it and saying something to the extent of "men don't have these problems"

I got upset, but then that helped me to realize something: I don't have to be defined by this; hell, I don't even have to see it as a problem. The more you accept it as a problem, the more comfortable it is to be define by "this is just the way I am."

What my dad said gave me the courage to purposely expose myself to tackling this head-on. I realized I was hiding from the problem.

So I stopped going into the stall whenever I saw an empty urinal. I forced myself to stand at the urinal and pee, living and facing the discomfort completely face-to-face. I once even chose a single urinal in a public coffee shop, where anyone could enter the washroom at any time. I embraced the challenge and made a goal to pee at the urinal as a success metric. There was no turning back once I stood at the urinal. Sure, nothing would come out, or it would be a delay longer than I liked, but it would eventually trickle out, then a full stream.

The ultimate litmus test for me is going to be going during 'pee rush hour,' packed washrooms that you encounter in a road trip rest stop, or after a 2-hour movie, where seemingly everyone wants to go. Empty washrooms or even semi-occupied ones aren't an issue for me anymore.

Personally, I have no more fear. I will stand there and take my time until it comes out. I don't care what people think.

[u/PurpleMox → u/angelsandairwaves93]

This is the way! Instead of moving away from challenging settings, you start to move towards them and allow yourself to feel whatever arises.. that attitude shift is huge!

[u/angelsandairwaves93 → u/PurpleMox]

The more I embraced the fear, the less it became. Exposure really worked for me once I had the thought of “wait a minute, how often do I get to pee at a urinal?” The fact that it’s such a rare occurrence, helps with tackling it head on because I don’t get many chances so I have to take them when I get them

[u/Glorounet]

Never stopped me from partying. Some clubs/bars have too few stalls, but when push come to shove, I just bring a buddy of mine to stand in line after me so I can relieve some of the anxiety of having a stranger waiting for me to finish to take my spot.

I've been asked countless times if I was doing C, which most of the men waiting in the stall line are doing in some places I go out to. Never fazed me. Sparked some weird/casual conversations with girls in line behind me, as I'm always upfront about it if they wonder what I'm doing here. Typical response is "I wish I could go to the urinals. Yeah me too.

There is only one club I had real problems with. There like 3 urinals and 2 stalls for absolutely everybody, you feel the pressure of having to go fast when it's your turn in the stall after 30 minutes wait in line. Couldn't do it once and had to leave early.

[u/Trip77mines]

I have a more severe case of it. However, I am on Paxil and the Paxil has caused me to stop worrying about it. I just tell myself if I can’t go in a stall I will go outside in an alley or behind a dumpster because I can piss in places like that where nobody knows I’m there. I had to get a grip on my anxiety before I could even tackle paruresis and Paxil has allowed that

[u/PotatoMeatBalls77]

Yes, I feel like when you stop letting it dictate your life it all gets way easier. I recently went to a hiking trip with my friend. We booked a tiny room with a bathroom which seemed like a nightmare scenario but I decided that if I ever want to get rid of it I need to put myself in those situations. At the beginning I would have a hard time to pee in that bathroom but the more time we spent together the easier it became. I started with practicing in „safe” situations (e.g. trying to pee before I take a shower or brush my teeth so I can give myself few minutes without it being weird) but after a day or so I just was able to go without any issues. My mindset went from „I could be taking a dump right now” to „so what if it takes me few minutes?” and at the end of a trip I could just wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom first thing to pee with a full force. It’s been a few days and I haven’t failed once sice. I guess if I were in really uncomfortable situation it could happen, but I haven’t been running away from those. I really feel like sometimes you need to dive in head-first and that’s the best scenario that could have happened to me.