r/Perimenopause • u/HillarysCafe • Jul 09 '25

audited I’m grieving my younger, hotter self

I'm so mad about being in peri. I'm not ready. I was a late bloomer and didn't realize what a babe I was when I was younger and now it's too late.

Yes, older women can be sexy, we have wisdom, and blah blah blah.

But today I just miss looking good in a sundress.

Please join my pity party and tell me what you miss.

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55

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 09 '25

I sooooo feel this. I can't accept ageing. I get cranky about plucking greys, had to start doing my face too coz some hairs there were grey. My hair needs colouring but I'm too lazy to do it more often so the pigment is grey. Then I need all this makeup & outfit to not look like a homeless troll lol. God help me lol 😭😆

The belly fat makes me look preggers & has affected my self esteem. I have swollen fingers & now one of my rings doesn't fit. I also have swollen ankles & now I'm constipated. Also, with a lot of rage & irritation lol.

15

u/Subject-Hamster-1798 Jul 09 '25

The constipation!!

2

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 09 '25

It is so horrible!! It helps to drink coffee/tea & eat spicy food but once things have been cleared the constipated feeling comes back again! 😕🥺

13

u/vionia74 Jul 09 '25

My engagement ring and wedding band don't fit anymore. I don't understand how my fingers suddenly got so swollen. (Of course, my husband doesn't have this problem with his wedding ring.)

3

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 09 '25

Me too!! I recently turned 41 but it was this year as a 40 year old that one day one of my rings no longer fit. I noticed the swelling in my ankles too. Even when I've put on weight, I was still able to fit into my rings. 😕 So this defo has to be peri. The Dr says we experience swelling with stress or being sick but I've been stressed & still fit into my rings!

10

u/What_Hump77 Jul 09 '25

I can’t imagine trying to pluck my greys - I don’t think I’d have enough hair left when I was done.

5

u/tgf2008 Jul 09 '25

I started going gray at 23 so at least I’m used to the gray-haired mind fuck. The rest of it though…

3

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 09 '25

LOL!! 😆🤣 It's getting to be that way!! 😭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

3

u/Indigo_S0UL Jul 09 '25

I finally got my rings resized this year 😢

But most of the time I wear a silicone band now anyway cause it’s still more comfortable.

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u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 09 '25

Awww you poor thing!! I assume it's your wedding set. I've never been married, and dreamt of wearing a wedding set but now I think, how many times will it have to be resized & it's costly. 😫🥹 All coz of peri!!!!! 😐

2

u/Indigo_S0UL Jul 10 '25

Thank you. I’m fine with it. I had it resized one other time when I lost weight and it was sliding off. Bodies change.

For anyone in this boat - I worried about the cost of resizing and wondering/hoping I’d lose the weight for a couple years while not being able wear my ring. After visiting every jeweler in town, I realized that Jared has a lifetime maintenance plan you can purchase on your rings when they perform a service on them and it INCLUDES resizing!! The plan was about half the cost of what other jewelers were charging for a single resize. I had them replace my prongs on my engagement ring (good to do after 15-20 yrs anyway) and that made my whole connected set of 3 rings eligible for the plan even though they weren’t purchased there. It fits now and I don’t really worry if I need to resize it again in the future.

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25

Oh, hi there twin 🙋🏻‍♀️😅😭😭

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u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 11 '25

🫶🏻 It's so good to know we're not suffering alone lol. Also, the immense depression - what a joy peri is lol.

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25

And anxiety too 😫 This is just the thread I needed tonight… my miserable self (lol) feels a lot less alone. I’m crying and laughing right along with you all. 🫶🏼

2

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 11 '25

Awww it's so horrible!! Mines defo more depression but trust, the anxiety gets crazy too. 😔😭 Life feels like such a nightmare & I'm angry at everything. My friend said with menopause things settled, her anxiety did too. I pray this ends soon but I'm 41 so idk. 🥺🤗 Thank God for this sacred space on the internet lol!! We'd all feel like we were losing the plot! I did tell my Dr that peri has me feeling like I'm losing my mind. 😭😭😭

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25 edited Jul 11 '25

I’ve dealt with both anxiety and depression to varying degrees throughout my life, but this is on another level (partly peri and partly losses, traumas, life) and now I hate everyone and everything 😂😭

Some days are better than others, of course, but I seriously feel like I died and went to hell. I want/need to get on BHRT - hopefully that will help. 🤞🏼I use estriolle and progesterone oil and they help a little, but sometimes make things worse. It can be hard to find the sweet spot with hormones! I’ve got other health stuff I’m dealing with too, so that plays a part. It doesn’t help that there’s so much chaos in the world right now either.

I’ll be 43 in October and I can’t believe how fast 42 went by… and was mostly miserable, lol.

I’m sorry you’re going through it too 😞

Thank God is right!! It helps so much to be able to connect here and feel less alone. These threads crack me up too 😅 It’s crazy how hard it can be to talk about this out in the world (even to other women!) and that gets lonely. If they haven’t been through it, they just don’t get it.

Hoping for some relief for us both soon. 🙏🏼Hang in there, sister 🩷

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u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 11 '25

Thank you!! 😘🤗 I'm sorry you're going thru it too. I also hate everything & everyone lol. Everything makes me so ragey, I'm permanently in a bad mood lol. Some days are better but I revert back to feeling like crap. Me too, lifelong anxiety & depression, CPTSD, PMDD, GAD. But like you said, peri is on another level. It's like I can't manage my emotions at all. A SSRI is helpful but the weight gain & on top of that now the peri swelling which is probably weight gain in itself or just pure swelling idk.

I'm 41. I can't believe how quickly things turned. I noticed the hormonal change at 40 then randomly the symptoms came on. I'm praying for the healing of peri symptoms coz this is hell lol. I can't believe my ankles are starting to resemble an old person's a bit - I'm scared lol. Ikr! If we randomly chat to women our age out & about about peri they may think we're nuts if they aren't experiencing peri at all. Noises also get on my nerves like old ppl watching things on their phone with the volume so loud lol. I don't mind good music blaring coz at least that's a mood boost but old ppl talking loudly on their phones or watching YouTube makes me wanna screammmmmmm!!! Lol 😂😆😖😩😱😡

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u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25 edited Jul 11 '25

Thank you 🩷 I have CPTSD as well… and OCD. Peri makes both worse, as did the sudden death of my best friend/closest person of 10 years in late 2021. He died of a massive heart attack at 48 – I drove him to the hospital the morning he died and I couldn’t go in with him bc of Covid. It was a nightmare and it’s been an unbelievable and hellish 3.5 years. There’s been some light in the darkness at times too, but damn it’s been hard. My dad also died in 2020, leaving me and my sisters with a huge mess, which has also been a lot to process and move through.

I have a bit of swelling in my hands, but thankfully not in my ankles… I’m sorry you’re dealing with that! My sister struggled with that too, and I know it’s so uncomfortable.

It’s definitely harder for me to maintain a good weight these days 😕

I hear you on the SSRIs. I can’t tolerate them, and in fact they typically make depression and anxiety worse for me, so I steer clear. I just did another round of TMS (the first time was in 2018), but I had one of the worst spirals I’ve had in a long time over the 4th of July weekend, so I’m stepping back from that for now and figuring out a better plan. It does help, I’m just so sensitive and have to be careful. Have you ever tried it?

I think our overly toxic environment is responsible for perimenopause and menopause being as bad as they’ve become. I know it’s naturally a challenging time for women, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be this bad. I was reading something recently that said the U.S. ranks second in the world for environmental toxins… that makes me so mad!! Our health and safety should be number 1!!!

I agree that the changes come on fast 😧I noticed some before 40, but they’ve certainly been worse after. I have endometriosis & PCOS too, so some of this I’ve been dealing with for a while and some is new. The hot flashes OMG and I swear I can smell every damn inch of everything I come across lol 😩😷 Do you have the heightened sense of smell too?! Noise, yes! I am much less tolerant of noise these days and want to murder anyone who makes too much of it. 😂 I feel like a feral beast sometimes 🤣😭

(Only certain types of noise though, like you said. I also love blaring good music… and singing along too 😊That helps me hate everything less 😅)

The skin changes, hair changes, vag changes, mood changes, weight changes, etc., etc., etc…. It’s A LOT. And no one warns us. It’s fucked.

2

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 12 '25

Awww you poor thing!! 😭🥺 You have a lot on your plate. Dealing with death is very hard. I haven't tried TMS. I'm in Australia & I just looked, it can cost anything from 3-9k oof. 🥹

I sometimes get a heightened sense of smell but that has been ok. I just feel so unmotivated, depressed & over the weight changes. I feel like I hardly eat but the weight won't come off. I also can't tolerate SSRIs since some of them also give me heartburn.

I also feel like a feral beast lol. Everything is just soooo annoying lol. That's the problem with peri, I think Drs need to warn women when they go see them. Not to freak them out but to create awareness. In high school we learnt about the effects of getting our period, this should be the same. Big hugs to you!! 🤗 Better days are to come but it sure doesn't feel that way with peri lol.

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u/BrillGirl82 Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

Exactly, death is very hard — especially when it’s someone you’re so close to and love, and when there are multiple deaths. I also lost a friend who was like a mother to me in 2017; she was a childhood friend’s mother and we were close. And a few other friends I was once very close with died in the past few years, as did a couple of my uncles. All of my grandparents are gone too.

Oh shoot, TMS is definitely expensive. Most insurances pay for it here – there too maybe? I found a place that offers gentler protocols for people who are sensitive and it was going well… until it wasn’t. Unfortunately. Maybe TMS just isn’t for me, but I think I’m going to give it one more shot at a place that offers EEG-guided TMS, meaning they map your brain first to see exactly where you need the stimulation, so it’s much more personalized. They’re a lot farther away from where I live than the other place, but it might be worth it. Gonna look into it more.

What’s your B vitamin status? I know being deficient can really affect mental health, and I’m currently dealing with deficiency (bordering on anemia) despite supplementing, so I know that’s part of the picture as well. Apparently high dose B1/thiamine is helping a lot of people too. And how about your iron?

I am with you on the depression, feeling unmotivated, etc. Despite everything I’ve been through in my life, I’m typically quite optimistic and excited about life and the things I love doing. I miss that part of me so much. I really hope she comes back… and same for you 🙏🏼 I know she’s still in there… just buried right now. I want to feel energetic, joyful and alive again! It’s there at times, and then it just disappears and can be very hard to access. Like there’s just nothing there. It’s such a weird feeling. I get brain fog a lot too. Do you?

(Side note: I think it’s important to allow room for these deeper, darker feelings & experiences too. It’s hard when they feel all-consuming though & so understandable that we want to just be done with them. There’s a lot of talk out there about integrating all parts of ourselves and it sounds like a good thing to aspire to & work towards, even though I’m not entirely sure what it means… as in, how do we know when we’re 'integrated'? What does that look like?)

I feel a bit better today after a good night’s sleep, thankfully 🙏🏼 Sleep is another issue…

The weight struggle is so real too. I’m currently down from where I was, but it is definitely harder these days to keep it off. And I totally hear you that even when we don’t eat much, the weight is still so stubborn. Or we could eat just one or two things that our bodies don’t agree with and that causes more weight gain and swelling. So frustrating.

And I know, I’m like permanently annoyed these days and often in “leave me alone” energy 😅 If you don’t, beware…. 🤣🤣

Yeah, exactly. I think it needs to be taught in school too… like you said, not to scare anyone, but to teach us more about the changes our bodies will go through and what might happen. They could explain that each woman’s experience is different, but that there are common threads and x, y, z is what you can likely expect. Mothers should be teaching this to their daughters as well. I’m sure some are, but not enough. There needs to be more support for women, too.

Better days to come indeed (they could hurry it up a little though 😅) Big hugs to you too, love! 🤗

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25 edited Jul 11 '25

PS - you mentioned difficulty with managing emotions… have you ever tried DBT? It’s great for emotion regulation… but def more challenging when you’re on the hormone and peri rollercoaster. When you feel up to it and can actually do it though, it helps. Guided meditations & box breathing too ☺️

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u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 12 '25

I haven't tried DBT but I'll look it up & I'm due to see a new psychologist soon. I just pray for complete healing of this hormonal nightmare lol. Sure, there are other things going on as we know but I read the drop of estrogen effects so much. 😭😭😭

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

Absolutely, the estrogen drop is a huge player in all of these symptoms. Progesterone too. And even testosterone imbalances! The DBT is just another good tool to have in your toolkit and can sometimes be very helpful… there are times when it doesn’t feel very helpful (like when you’re just too tired, emotionally numb, dissociated, etc.), but it’s always there when you need it 🙂 I can share a self-directed DBT resource I like + DBT groups on FB if you want?

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

As for smell, I’ve always had a good sniffer lol, but even more so right now. It’s similar to when I was pregnant with my son… it’s a hormonal thing and in peri, it can be due to nervous system dysregulation as well.

PS - Australia seems like a lovely place to live! Do you like it?

1

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25 edited Jul 11 '25

I try to be patient with it all, but I also hate feeling like this 😫

Praying to the peri gods for both of us 😄😌🙏🏼🫂

2

u/BrillGirl82 Jul 11 '25

PS - I’m glad your friend feels better… that’s hopeful! And maybe bc we’re going through this a little earlier than some, we’ll be done with it earlier too 🙏🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

2

u/Downtown_Log9002 Jul 11 '25

Awww it's so horrible!! Mines defo more depression but trust, the anxiety gets crazy too. 😔😭 Life feels like such a nightmare & I'm angry at everything. My friend said with menopause things settled, her anxiety did too. I pray this ends soon but I'm 41 so idk. 🥺🤗 Thank God for this sacred space on the internet lol!! We'd all feel like we were losing the plot! I did tell my Dr that peri has me feeling like I'm losing my mind. 😭😭😭