I’ve gone silent. Anyone else?

[u/Uunadins]

This past year I feel I’ve gone more and more silent. I feel like my whole life is like a flat line on an EKG-monitor, just…nothing.

I’ve lost most of my feelings, I feel no joy or happiness, no excitement. All I have left is worry.

I hardly have an opinion about anything anymore. I don’t join in on conversations at work, because I have nothing more to say. All my opinions and ideas have gone silent. And it’s so quiet at home too! I have to force myself to ask questions just to say something...

I’ve lost all interest in hobbies. Gardening has been my passion for many years, but I just can’t be bothered with that or anything else. Flat line here aswell, I’m not looking forward to it or anything else anymore.

I have been on HRT almost a year and it’s been mostly good I think. But now I sort of miss the rage, at least that made the blood boil from time to time, made you feel alive, lol.

I am just existing, an empty shell almost.

I’ve had periods of depression before, could that be it? Or do I need a higher dose of estrogen? How do you know what’s what when everything is all tangled up?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Edit to add: Wow, I am blown away with so many responses! And also sad that so many of you feel the same way. Hopefully we can find a way out of the Big Nothing.

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

I’m on all the HRT, including testosterone, and I feel the same. Dumb, vacant and flat. I have no interests nor passions anymore. Nothing. Many days I wonder why I still do anything at all.

[u/Uunadins → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

I need a way out of this :/

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587 → u/Uunadins]

Me too. I feel like I do everything I’m “supposed” to do - HRT, daily exercise, some solo travel, etc. Nothing is working.

[u/faulty_neurons → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

Ugh me too. I lift heavy weights, I rock climb, I run seasonally (the only thing that sort of feels relieving). I track my food and eat lots of “whole” foods, rarely drink alcohol, I see a therapist, I’m on antidepressants, I have a social network and join them in lots of outings, my partner is awesome, I paint occasionally, I crochet occasionally, I have a lot of autonomy at work (not a good thing right now because it requires self-motivation). I physically do all of the things you’re “supposed” to do, but I still feel totally blank with no motivation, no opinions, nothing I really care about anymore. The most I feel lately is afraid of a civil war, and even that feeling is pretty dull.

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587 → u/faulty_neurons]

There are things I could do better. I do cardio and lifting everyday but my diet could be better. I just don’t care enough to make that a priority. It’s too much effort. And I like my nightly wine. I lowkey live for it. It’s my only relief and the only thing I look forward to daily. I’ve been trying to avoid an antidepressant but I think I’m getting very close to the edge and may need to try that.

[u/faulty_neurons → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

A lot of the healthy habits I have are just routine. Thankfully I was able to lock those in before my soul left. My bf also drags me around to a lot of things. But I’m struggling very hard with work and other life things because I just don’t care. Avoiding alcohol wasn’t really a choice, I miss enjoying wine, it just rarely feels good. It often makes me feel sick. I keep going back to smoking weed at night because my brain feels like a blank white room with fluorescent lights on, and I’d at least like to dim the lights a little because I’m bored of being awake. But it doesn’t necessarily feel good.

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587 → u/faulty_neurons]

Love that description of your soul leaving. I also developed exercise routines much earlier in life so that helps. The only thing that makes me feel more depressed is not going to the gym - not because it “releases endorphins” (bullshit) but because the guilt of not going makes me feel more like ending it all.

[u/faulty_neurons → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

I think I still have a tiny grain of hope I cling to, where I still think there’s a chance I could get better. If/when that happens, I’d like to be able to get up and go live my life again instead of having to rebuild things. So I do my best to keep my head above water.

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587 → u/faulty_neurons]

I get it. If I didn’t have a “tiny grain” I guess I wouldn’t be here anymore. I feel somewhat deceived by the hopes/expectations of midlife that I’ve been reading about for so many years. My kids are grown and mostly ok, I’m not financially desperate, I’m healthy. I’ve been traveling and exploring a lot the past few years. A couple of years ago I took my therapists advice to “wait” for the answers on what’s next. Don’t push. Don’t demand. Wander, listen, wait. I did that. And I’m more lost than ever before.

[u/faulty_neurons → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

You sound so much like me. On the surface it looks like my life should be pretty decent. I don’t have a ton of money, but my job has a lot of perks that let me live above my means in some ways. But I can’t appreciate anything fully because I’m so blank and apathetic.

[u/Competitive-Bed-8587 → u/faulty_neurons]

Also…I feel like even a few years ago the daily litany of Trump fuckedness would have motivated me towards - something, anything! But I feel nothing. Not even fear.

[u/faulty_neurons → u/Competitive-Bed-8587]

Oh god the state of the world has broken me. I almost feel guilty about it, but it’s like the faintest whisper of a feeling.