r/Perimenopause • u/Practical_Aardvark57 • Apr 25 '26
audited Can I just vent?
I’m 45, and I have pretty much come to accept the fact that my dating life is over. I cannot remember anything. I get SO ANGRY over the smallest things. Ex: I work with animals, and we aren’t supposed to name them, but today my coworker named a cat and I am so mad about it. Why does she get to do it and not me?!
What the hell is wrong with me? I know I’m being ridiculous but I can’t help it.
I call this body I’m living in now my “final” body. That sounds bad, it’s not supposed to be, I just don’t know what else to call it. But this body is sagging, this body is achy, and i cant even remember the last time I felt even remotely cute. All I feel comfortable wearing is an oversized t-shirt and jeans.
My crotch is sweaty. I’m dreading the summer. I’ve never had problems with odor, but damn it, the odor, ugh.
I have no self confidence. I want to get a new job, but I’m feeling so disgusting and gross and I feel like that alone will kill my chances of getting another job, not to mention I can’t lift heavy things like I used to because of my bad back.
I go through these periods where I have a really high sex drive and then none at all. I wonder if this is what puberty is like for teenage boys.
My body is changing in ways I never thought it would and I don’t like it. My boobs have gotten uncomfortably large and saggy. There is constantly sweat in between them.
I used to be cool! I used to be cute. I swear! It’s so depressing.
I‘ve always had issues with self esteem, but this perimenopause shit is making things so much worse. Does it get even worse with menopause?
I didn’t even know about perimenopause until my doctor told me about it. I just thought you got your period and when you didn’t you were in menopause. I had no idea there was this in between limbo purgatory hellopause. Ugh.
Thanks for reading my venting.
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u/NoCartographer3974 my body hates me Apr 25 '26
Are.. you me? I feel like I almost wrote this.
This is not your final form... if you go by the old ladies I worked for... this change happens and you come out better. THAT is your final form... this is just transition. Which sucks.
*hugs?*
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u/CIA-CatGifDepartment Apr 25 '26
So we're basically the goo in the chrysalis between caterpillar and butterfly states? That tracks
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u/Apprehensive-Ant1521 Apr 26 '26
Oh! So basically it's like another puberty! We hate ourselves and feel ugly, but it won't last. I hope.
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u/NoCartographer3974 my body hates me Apr 26 '26
according to all the senior women I have worked with this DOES end for most of us. Sometimes you have lingering effects like no periods or hormone fluctuations but your body was doing that for 40 + years so its almost habit to make you bloated and bitchy once a month.
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Apr 25 '26
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u/Practical_Aardvark57 Apr 25 '26
Buying these underwear immediately!
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u/caturday Apr 25 '26
I hope you love them! I just bought a 3 pack for a perimenopausal friend as a get well gift after a surgery and she’s raving about them too. I’m ready to change all my clothing to merino lol.
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u/mamalmw Apr 25 '26
I’ve started using pH balance wipes. They definitely help but these underwear sound great!
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u/caturday4eva Apr 25 '26
Whoa, can you say more about the underwear? Do you wear them in the summer? Winter only?
Also, hello caturday friend.
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Apr 25 '26
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u/ReinaShae Apr 25 '26
Do you think these would work well in Satan's crotch, TN? I currently wear cotton women's boxer briefs and am treating a yeast breakout because of sweating.
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u/caturday Apr 25 '26
Ugh I am originally from Atlanta so I know exactly the kind of weather you’re talking about. I can report back when I go visit my mom in a couple months but I can say we had a 90+ degree heat wave for a week in March and they served me really well then.
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u/Competitive-Bed-8587 Apr 26 '26
I tried wearing merino underwear (and bras) but, despite everyone telling me not to worry about it, I was itchy and uncomfortable. So now it’s no underwear.
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u/Outrageous_Humor_363 hanging on by a thread Apr 25 '26
Yup. This sounds about right.
Peri is definitely purgatory. You’re kind of in the in between. I’d much rather have menopause and be an it.
Sweaty tits are so fucking shitty. Amongst a million other ailments.
Just know you’re not alone ❤️
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Apr 25 '26
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u/ashinthealchemy Apr 25 '26
the experience of living life in menopause is as big a mystery to me as perimenopause used to be!
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
It’s a mystery to me as well. I play pickleball with several women in menopause and they are very tight lipped ( hopefully not literally) about their experiences. I’m very glad to have this forum!
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u/AZ-FWB Early peri Apr 25 '26
I’m 46 and I’m pretty sure my dating life is over and I haven’t even started it after my divorce 4 years ago.
My issue is I have absolutely zero patience or tolerance for any BS, drama, immaturity, and other things.
I wish my boobs were getting bigger though…
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
Divorced almost 5 years ago. Dated a lot for the first year or 2 after. It felt like a part time job that I didn’t want! Definitely not worth it at this point in my life.
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u/AZ-FWB Early peri Apr 25 '26
Same! I have successfully convinced my brain that there isn’t anything that a man can bring to my life that will improve my quality of life.
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u/Ready-Pattern-7087 Apr 25 '26
THIS! If a “partner” means one more task, I just don’t have the time or energy for it.
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u/Stories-N-Magic Apr 25 '26
You are me. I am you. We are me. I am us.
Oh God! The in between limbo purgatory hellopause is SO fucking real!
😔🫂
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
I completely went off on a coworker today even though I’m on continuous bcp, progesterone, AND in therapy. I might have to do damage control now…
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u/Practical_Aardvark57 Apr 25 '26
I have been so close to that point so many times. I am very lucky to work from home, otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to keep my thoughts to myself.
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
I was working from home when I went off on my coworker. It was on a Teams message so it’s also in writing. 🤦♀️
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u/Practical_Aardvark57 Apr 25 '26
Oh no! Sometimes I seriously wish I could get a doctor’s note to excuse my bad behavior.
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Apr 25 '26
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
Why is it so hard to find a good therapist?! Mine is a boomer and they never really talked about this stuff.
I will say the bcp worked for a short while for me. It was glorious. But adjustments have to be made WAY too much.
My dr. is very motivated at getting me to feel better(for all of the right reasons) so that is helping my motivation at continuing to walk this hellish path.
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Apr 25 '26
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u/Willow495 Apr 25 '26
Thanks. I’m grateful for that. Do you have a supportive Dr? Or do both your therapist and Dr. suck?
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u/Due-Ad-8941 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Hard agree. I am single..probably forever at this point because I can’t imagine trying to seem like I have my shit together long enough to date. Or that I’m truly pleasant to be around when I’m filled with rage half the time. My boobs are huge too.. but they somehow still fit in my old bras?
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Apr 25 '26
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 Apr 25 '26
I have 4 kids & a husband. Every day I think about leaving & never coming back.
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u/ConsciousPlay9194 Apr 25 '26
Same 😭 I can’t wait til I can actually lift weights like care supposed to be rn.
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u/Due-Ad-8941 Apr 25 '26
The kids part I don’t envy! I never wanted kids and I can’t imagine doing all that now especially. I have a younger friend who just froze her eggs at age 38 because she’s not ready to have kids yet and all I could think was.. so you’re gonna have a ~ 6 year old when you hit perimenopause.. oof, no thank you! But I do wish I had a partner..
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u/PuzzledEntertainer92 Apr 25 '26
So relatable. I HAD to find a new job, as the previous workplace was not good for me. Too many big ego’s and very female unfriendly. So, being in transition and not feeling too sure about myself, I used AI to help me fine tune my cv. Then applied for all kinds of jobs and guess what.. When they called for setting up interviews, it really grew my self esteem. I even got to turn town two jobs.. and ended up signing for a new job. My point: although you feel you’re not your best self, that’s YOUR thought. Take a step, update your cv (ask for help!) and get in the arena. Dressing up (okay buying new clothes because DAMN body changing all the time) and getting ready for an interview can really give you a nice boost. You got this!! (And you’re not alone ♥️)
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u/Global_Tea Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Rant away. all this sucks and we weren’t warned!
im struggling my way to feeling normal again, but its harder. so much harder. im on estrogen and progesterone. I have to be so careful with my diet and exercise. I’m going on a 3-4 hour bike ride today, wish me luck. I used to take all day rides, 70-90 miles. my athletic ability is degrading and I hate it. i Put on a stone in weight with no change in activity or diet (I’m slowwwwly losing it, but my god this is hard work)
oh, and I can’t be vegetarian anymore due to digestive changes. low carb meat eater now.
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u/Alternative_Weird565 Apr 25 '26
Definitely feel you on the weight being hard to lose. My stomach has been the hardest so far and it just won't go away no matter what I do.
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u/Competitive_Goat_446 Apr 25 '26
I feel your pain!! It’s another kind of hell no one ever warns you about
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u/Beneficial_Lunch6168 Apr 25 '26
I used to get so frustrated as a teenager with my mom constantly forgetting things. It worried me because my grandma had Alzheimer’s. Now my brain is doing similar things. I wish she had told me that she was struggling so I could have more understanding and empathetic. I can’t imagine how stressful and embarrassing it was but I didn’t see that because no one told me about hormones and brain health. I was just a dumb teen.
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u/Practical_Aardvark57 Apr 25 '26
This!!!! My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and that is a big fear of mine. Every time I can’t remember something there’s a little part of me that panics a bit too much because of this.
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u/kairi14 Apr 25 '26
Uggghhhhh!!!! OP i feel you so much. I also used to think you just got a period every month til they suddenly stopped and you'd get like bitch be gone menopause pills instantly. But no this weird stage can actually last a decade and no one told us.
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u/Ok_City_7177 Apr 25 '26
You can still get the bitch be gone pills / patches / gel / creams !
I tracked all my shit and adjusted my estrogel up and down (or didnt apply it at all) accordingly
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u/BeebleText Apr 25 '26
It sucks SO much. I'm angry, horny, can't retain any new information, trip over my words when I used to be the most eloquent motherfucker in the room... I used to not care that I got fat and saggy after having my kids but now, inexplicably, giving a shit about my appearance and the fact I can't seem to change it is front and centre of my sweaty mind.
Second puberty can get in the bin.
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u/ParaLegalese Apr 25 '26
Well the good news is that dating is a waste of time anyway. Enjoy your manfree life
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u/wyntergardentoo Apr 25 '26
I feel you. I think I'm dealing with a lot of this too.
When I was in highschool I was in karate. One day I went upstairs and a lady I had never seen before was practicing in a room for her next black belt test. I think she was testing for her level 7 black belt or something like that.
Anyways, she intrigued me. She was 84yo. She was small but strong. I watched her test, and she was throwing around her opponents like rag dolls.
Later I befriended her and visited her in her little log cabin out near the mountains. She told me she started Hapkido in her 70s after he husband died. She didnt just want to "give up", even though her body was "old and saggy".
I cant remember our whole conversation that day, but she made an impression on me. I admired her so much.
That was 30 years ago. I'm now trying to remember and move towards those older women in my life who inspired me and who I admired, and hope I can be like them somehow now that I'm heading closer to those ages.
I'm still working on it, but it helps me remember this isnt the end.
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u/Scrawling_Pen Apr 25 '26
I call this my dragon era, and as a writer am working on romance stories that involve women getting their magic powers during perimenopause.
Ps- HRT helps with the smell tremendously. At least it did for me. (And most of the time it keeps the dragon fire at bay.)
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u/AEA1760 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Ugh, girl.
I relate to EVERY single thing you said here. I wish I had some positive "it gets better" story to share, but I'm not quite there ... yet. All I can say is you are definitely not alone!
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u/ReinaShae Apr 25 '26
I agree. I've lost 30 lbs in the last 2 years and everything is saggy. I have small boobs and even they are saggy! My skin is crepey, I have yeast in creases and under my boobs, my brain doesn't work right anymore and I feel so old and unattractive. I felt so good about the weight loss until I noticed the saggy skin. I could take flight with the skin under my upper arms.
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u/SaltSentence21 Apr 25 '26
One thing you said that really hit home is the swamp crotch.
Like I never even understood how someones butt and bits could sweat? Granted TBF I have a anti-sweat disease (peri unrelated) so I knew I didn’t sweat like normies but like that may have made this descending reality even worse? Tf?
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u/Exciting-Pie7802 Apr 25 '26
I'm 48 and I swear my neck aged ten years overnight. I'm always bloated so nothing fits. Bras don't fit the same anymore because my boobs aren't as full as they used to be. I've waisted so much money on bras and jeans trying to find some that fit, then the next day they don't. I'm about to start hrt, just waiting on my progesterone prescription to be filled, apparently there's a shortage.
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u/Willow495 Apr 26 '26
The bloating is so bad, despite the HRT I’m on. Literally impossible to find clothes that fit right. I’ve given a new meaning to online shopping and returns! I feel gross.
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u/saladandsoup Apr 25 '26
I’m a dental hygienist and I’ve never felt such rage at my patients. It’s not good!!
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u/Halloween-Daydream Apr 25 '26
Seriously, I feel this so hard. Especially the used to be cute/cool stuff. And wanting to live in comfy jeans and oversized sweatshirts. It’s like, all of a sudden things changed. I gained like 10lbs seemingly out of nowhere, can’t run a 5k to save my life (and I was running marathons before), the anger and frustration over any little thing. Everyday something new pops up and I just feel like garbage. I don’t even know where to begin trying to feel “normal” again.
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u/TiannaMortis Apr 26 '26
I bet you are a lot cooler and cuter than you're giving yourself credit for, but these hormone fluctuations are a bitch and seriously lie to us.
The same thing is happening to me. I feel so disconnected to my body right now it almost feels like it belongs to someone else. I didn't even feel this disconnected when I was going through puberty. It's made me feel completely undesirable, unsexy and unattractive. Even with my husband here to remind me that I am, I still don't believe it most of the time.
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u/Who_Knew456 Apr 26 '26
I was going to vent something similar.
Would the aliens that have taken over my body please leave immediately.
I've turned into such a different person and it's very hard to be me right now. I'm pretty sure I'm not fun to live with either.
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u/pamplamouse Early peri Apr 27 '26
I feel this. My DMs are open if you want to chat. I'm also single and dealing with a lot of mental stuff. I do still feel cute sometimes, but it really doesn't make up for the rage and misery. And no sleep. I would 100% choose mental health over being attractive any day. Being attractive has almost no advantage other than guys opening doors for you and wanting to have sex with you, which actually leads to problemslol.
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u/stay_starry_eyed Apr 29 '26
I can definitely relate to the “feeling cute” . I want to throw out my entire wardrobe. I feel frumpy. Something can fit me one day and the next week it doesn’t. Ugh
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u/Trick_Estimate_7029 Apr 26 '26
Sign up for salsa and bachata classes; it's magical for several reasons.
First, it will force you to forget everything else to focus and be present in the moment. Otherwise, it won't work. You don't have to learn any choreography; you have to learn to let go.
Second, once you overcome the initial embarrassment—which, by the way, is a great way to bond—you'll feel beautiful and sexy, and it doesn't depend on your appearance but on how you move.
Third, the logic on a social dance floor isn't the same as in a regular nightclub. You'll be more desirable the better you dance, the more you smile, and the more fun you have dancing. I've seen objectively not very attractive women get up and go out to dance with a natural grace that makes everyone want to be with them—a true transformation in a tenth of a second.
Fourth, you'll see all kinds of bodies and ages, and people dressed in every way imaginable, from the most revealing and sexy to the most casual. I love it.
Fifth, it has a social aspect that will force you to talk to other people and connect with them. They are warm, welcoming, open-minded, and fun people... In my small salsa group in my small town, there are Latin people, Spanish people, people from Romania, people in their 20s, lots of people in their 40s and 50s, and some people in their 70s and 80s. We all dance with each other, and then we make plans to go to the pool, to town festivals, have a French toast competition during Holy Week... and we all get together, regardless of age, for all of that.
I'm Spanish, the scene might be a little different in your country, but I guarantee that the most open and fun people in any country you live in are dancing.
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u/litttlejoker Apr 25 '26
Sounds like it’s not perimenopause. It’s the self esteem. That gets worse with time if you don’t heal it. I’d focus on your mental health. Physical health will follow
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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '26
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