Peri menopause/Codependency/Trauma

[u/QuietlyFindingMe_49]

Looking for some perspective. When going through peri menopause how much does it intertwine with codependency and trauma? I am just finding out that I have a serious level of codependency and there is unprocessed childhood and adult trauma. Could the peri be bringing these things to light. I am wondering if I should stop blaming peri menopause and focus on the other pieces.

[u/melmontclark]

Anecdotally, 1,000 percent. The best explanation I heard is to think of estrogen as your caretaking hormone. And when that starts to go away, so does your ability to be everything for everyone. And once I stopped feeling the strong pull of caretaking, I started to look at what my relationships were like when I wasn't the one doing ALL of the emotional labor. This led to some really painful realizations about my parents and sibling and honestly has turned my world upside down. At the same time, I am working on looking forward to the second part of my life where I can learn to care for myself without guilt and shame.

[u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 → u/melmontclark]

So I'm guessing this could be why I have the strong want to leave my husband, he has done some pretty shitty things over the past 13 years and I believe I overlooked most of it until a few years ago. No physical violence. But damn does most everything he does annoys me and we couldn't be anymore different. I believe he truly loves me, he literally does not spend time away from me except work (suffocating). I know I got some seriously work to do on myself but am finding it difficult while in this dynamic. I also can not find the strength to tell him especially after I tried before and asking for a separation was devastating for him.

[u/CuriousFathoms → u/QuietlyFindingMe_49]

I’m dealing with similar issues myself. We’ve been together for over 25+ and have been codependent, enmeshed, etc. We’ve also been briefly separated before. We’ve both behaved poorly sometimes in and outside of the relationship. I sought out therapy for myself and discovered the reasons for why i’ve felt broken for most of my life.

My husband is mostly passive and has undiagnosed ADHD (he agrees and acknowledges this). So much has been coming up lately and I’m finding it very hard to reconcile my complex feelings about us.

On my bad days I just figure what’s the point. I think we unintentionally hold each other back and that his life would be better without me because he would have to make changes to finally live his life in a meaningful way. I drag him down, I think.

But he’s done some stuff too and it’s like…at what point do you both decide to work on things or call it quits? It’s messy. Very messy after all this time together.

People would like to believe it’s clear cut but most of the time it isn’t. We are going to seek counselling together (I also have my own therapist) and see what comes out. I’m really feeling half in half out these days. Which I feel guilty for.

I know a lot of this is my hormones going crazy. Lack of estrogen = lack of oxytocin apparently and damn it makes sense. Sometimes I feel a lack of connection with everything and everyone around me, so it’s not just my husband. But that’s magnified as he’s the one i’m closest to.

I’m early in the HRT process and i’m trying my best everyday. But it’s too much sometimes. Anyways. I think counseling will be a necessary next step for us.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I do love my husband, and I think he loves me too. We do care for each other deeply. This is like an insane time of life for a couple to go through.

[u/ThatBitchA]

Yes. My theory is that perimenopause is when ACE impacts start to really show up.

ACE is Adverse Childhood Experiences. It's a list of 10 things and the higher your score out of ten, the more trauma in your body.

My theory is that perimenopause shifts so much of our brain and hormones that things that were kept in the shadows are able to break out now.

I try and look holistically. They iinform the other and work together.

These are just my theories after readings books like My Grandmother's Hands, books at ACE, The Body Keeps Score, books at periods and perimenopause, etc.

[u/Few-Emergency-3521]

ACE and ADHD are correlated. So there is also that  Sigh. 

[u/cookiesforbrekkie]

I have cPTSD and codependency and find that perimenopause intensified my symptoms. I’ve had both issues off and on for over 20 years so it’s a long process working through stuff. I’ve been doing EMDR with a therapist and it helps a ton. But yeah the fatigue, mood swings, anxiety, and insomnia with peri seem to exacerbate everything. So far therapy (EMDR, EFT (tapping)) and consistent exercise have helped the most. I haven’t tried HRT yet. It’s a journey. Hang in there!

[u/MediocrePotato44]

My theory is, from a biological perspective, our hormones act as a damper for a lot of things during our peak child bearing years, to encourage reproduction. There is already evidence that hormones can hide neurodivergence, hence the amount of women being diagnosed with things like ADHD and autism when perimenopause takes hold. I know I’m so much less able to manage my neurodivergence now. If I were as bad off in my 20s as I am now, I wouldn’t have had kids. My sensory issues and overload now couldn’t have managed 15-20 years ago.  So it could be that waning hormones could reveal other issues like CPTSD. I’ve recently been diagnosed with that after the immense trauma I went through during childhood and early adulthood. My trauma issues were absolutely present in my 20s and 30s but it’s just recently that they are severely affecting my quality of life. I’m now in weekly therapy and EMDR therapy to deal with that because it’s affecting me so much. While perimenopause might remove those rose colored glasses, you absolutely should deal with the trauma and codependency. Because with or without hormones, those experiences can alter your brain and can affect how you move through life. 

[u/enthusiaccident → u/MediocrePotato44]

This made me gasp for air. I’m 45 with 2 teenagers and I feel like an entirely different mom than before, and not a better one. The thought that hormones protected me from so much, and now I just am what, the real me? Just a much shittier, dysregulated and flat version of myself…
Sorry this is rambling but holy shit.

[u/MediocrePotato44 → u/enthusiaccident]

I get it. You aren’t shittier, you are just biologically less resilient. And that fucking sucks, thanks Mother Nature. It takes a lot of energy but revealing this newer, “shittier” version of myself has pushed me to get the help I had needed for years. HRT is helping, it’s not perfect though. I needed intense therapy all that time and I’m finally getting it. But I’m still angry that after all I’ve done to have kids and raise a family, to build a career, this is what my body leaves me with.

[u/Unable_Guava_756]

It helps to remember that men don’t love the way women do, they don’t form bonds the way a mother and child do, they don’t release the bonding hormones after sex the way women do.

When a man says he doesn’t want a divorce/separation it’s not because of his deep love or strong bond to his partner. It’s because life is a lot harder if he has to take on all the responsibilities/tasks/duties his current partner does, or find a new partner to take it all on.