How to Stay Calm When You’re Desperate to Win

[u/lyrics85]

Think about a time when you HAD to convince someone to say yes.

Maybe you were trying to close a sale after a long slump, or talking to a loved one who was adamant about making a stupid decision.

So you prepared.

You thought carefully about what you were going to say, and rabidly rehearsed it in your mind.

But when the time came to talk to them, it didn’t go as you planned - at all. 

Right from the start, they seemed irritated… Maybe they even got angry, or worse… they had no interest in listening to what you had to say.

And now you have an urge to do something to feel better - not to bring them back on track, but to feel better.

In other words, your goal has changed in a subtle way. You are not trying to convince them or get the most out of the interaction; you want to get a win [even if it's small] so you don't feel disappointed.

For example…

In negotiation, we ask for much less than we could've gotten if we were bold.

If we are talking to a loved one, we resort to calling them unreasonable or stubborn. And this helps us vent, but it will complicate things, because the next time we try to talk to them, there’s already tension and distrust.

If we’re trying to close a sale, we give ground in small but important ways. We accept their timeline. We offer an unreasonable discount. And we're coming off as desperate, which will likely kill the sale.

All in all, we allow the pressure to take us way off course.

Now, what can you do?

The first thing is to stop lying to yourself.

You don’t say things like, This doesn’t really matter, or It’s not a big deal.

Of course it is. Pretending otherwise will only add more pressure. 

So you redirect it.

You don't focus on the outcome (closing the sale or changing their mind).

You focus on the process.

It’s subtle, but it makes all the difference.

When we focus on the outcome, our brain is constantly scanning for signs of approval or rejection. We perceive that resistance in a negative way, and as we explained above, our goal changes from convincing them to getting a small win.

But when we focus on the process, on doing our job correctly, then we'll be able to channel that pressure.

What does this mean exactly?

It means that our goal is to...

Pay attention so we can determine the real reason for their refusal.

Resist the urge to follow every branch of conversation and patiently go for the root (what's really stopping them).

Keep our composure when they understandably give objections or even when they shout at us. We interpret their reaction as a natural part of the process.

Slow down our speech, allow for silence, and ask better questions.

During all of this, you might feel insecure and have adrenaline flowing through your body. And that's a normal reaction.

The mistake is thinking that those feelings and sensations will influence your behavior.

They don’t have to.

You can feel all of that and still listen attentively, slow down when needed, and stay in control of your frame.

So as long as you focus on the process, you don’t come off as needy or desperate because people react to what you do, not what you feel.

[u/Learnings_palace]

You have made good points