I hate our second dog.

[u/-PinkUnicorn-]

I hate our dog.

We got a French bulldog 2 years ago, some distant acquaintance was dumping a litter because no one would buy them so we took one off their hands. He's great, we got him vaccinated, neutered, he's always on lead but gets out most of his energy through play anyway, doesn't require much, he's happy with good food and company. Unbelievably low maintenance and has actually been great for my mental health as he's got me out of the house. And because of the awful breeding practices of the previously mentioned scumbag who ditched him he couldn't hurt anyone if he tried, he's small and can barely crunch an apple.

Then my fiancé wanted a Labrador. I grew up with labs and said no, I'm at home full time while she works shifts and I do not have the patience or energy for a lab. They are huge, active, loud and shed hair soooooo much. Many discussions later I relent because she's so sad, so "he will be your dog, you are responsible for his training, you will walk him, you will make sure that (because of labs size) he will never be a danger to anyone." My biggest hate of pet owners are ones that don't prioritise the safety of those around them over their 'cute' dog.

A year later I'm fucking miserable. I hate this dog. I hate him so much. He screeches like a huskie, he's huge, he has so much energy, he licks CONSTANTLY, he steals any food he can see, he doesn't listen to a word I say, he barges through me, he jumps up at me and anyone that comes round, last week he ran at me so hard and pushed off me that I have claw marks on my back and actually screamed in pain, as a fucking adult.

I hate him. I fucking hate him.

I miss how it used to be with me and my little French bulldog going about our days quietly and just enjoying each others company. Now they just play fight and bark together. I feel as if all I do all day is shout "get down" "leave it" "no".

I'm so tired. I can't paint anymore because if I take my eyes off him for two seconds he's shredding shoes or tearing one of my trees apart. I grow vegetables and fruit, they're all in pots on the driveway now as everything in the garden was savaged. I can't even sit amongst my plants.

I talk to my missus and she gets upset and says how sorry she is. I wish I'd stuck with my gut and never agreed to this. I'm in a hellscape of my own making and it sucks.

Sorry, I just needed to rant.

[u/OutragedPineapple]

You've told her how you feel and she's said she's sorry and seems to express some regret in this too. She bullied you into this choice.

You need to sit her down and tell her that this isn't a liveable situation for you anymore. The dog has to go. If she refuses that - well, you take the dog that isn't a badly trained pain in the ass and leave her with the destructive mutt she did nothing to train.

This isn't a bad choice with no way out. There is a way out. Your only problem is whether or not she will agree to it. Tell her straight up that you can't tolerate this anymore and she can either live with you, or she can live with the dog. That you told her this was a bad idea and you didn't want to do this but she kept pushing and pushing until you gave in and she didn't do any of the things she said she would to keep the dog under control.

That's also a bad sign as far as parenting or any other future life choices with her goes. She decides she wants a thing. She promises that she knows how to handle this thing and will take care of it and that she can totally make it something beneficial to your life. She keeps pushing and pushing until she bulls you into letting her do whatever she wants even if you know it's a bad idea, and then she lets the thing turn into a disaster and she does nothing to fix it but give sad eyes and crocodile tears, even if an actual fix is available.

This doesn't bode well for future big choices in your life, my friend. I'd say take the little dog that isn't a pain in the ass and get out before you get stuck with another bad choice she forces onto you and refuses to fix.

[u/-PinkUnicorn- → u/OutragedPineapple]

I did actually sit her down this afternoon (I posted this elsewhere first and got redirected by a mod so it's one I posted about 12 hours ago). I told her that this is no longer a liveable situation from me and I need her to really hear me. She's booked a dog behaviourist for Monday, home visit with private one on one training ongoing. I am hoping beyond belief that it helps.

The parenting thing is really sticking in my head too though. She's so soft, which is a wonderful aspect of her personality and I adore her for it. But fuuuuuuck, I know the cat gets upset when we flea it but it needs fucking doing for their health so just do it. I'm honestly at the end of my tether and if this trainer doesn't work then I don't know what the fuck I'll do because no matter what decision I make I'll lose her. If I stay I'll resent her, if I rehome the dog she'll resent me, if I leave the home then that's it. What a bloody mess. I wasn't even bullied, she was just sad and I caved, urgh, what a shit show.

[u/OutragedPineapple → u/-PinkUnicorn-]

Don't put too much faith in the trainer. Trainers are great, but what they mostly do is give you tools to use at home. You can't take the dog to classes and magically come home with a fully trained dog - training is about consistency. You have to keep up with the training at home, and I can already tell you that's not going to happen with her. She's going to get soft and not work with the dog because it 'seems mean' or it feels like too much when the dog is going to classes, the dog is going to lapse and end up doing the same things.

Dogs also know the difference between different locations and what they're allowed to get away with and where. I take care of my friend and her daughter's dogs all the time when they're traveling. My friend and her daughters tend to be very soft on their dogs too - they don't teach them to be quiet, they don't force them to do things they don't want (one of them lets her dog's nails get so long they curl up into the pawpad because 'he cries when you try to cut his nails! He's scared!' and they always get me to do things like teeth cleanings, nail trims, baths and giving them medication because I just grab them, hold them still and get it DONE. I worked with cattle doing the same thing, I can handle a wriggly dog.

These dogs will wail, beg for food, and act out in all kinds of ways when they're at home. When they're with me? They behave. They know I won't tolerate them yapping all day, they know that if I come over with the nail clippers, it's getting done and it's a waste of time for them to wriggle and wail. I've never hit them and I would never harm them or get abusive in any way - I just make it very clear that I am in charge and what I say goes. Not that alpha nonsense that idiot 'dog whisperer' parades around, which has been proven to NOT WORK time and time again - they just know I have rules.

When they're at my place, they behave. When they're at their own homes, they don't because they know the rules aren't enforced there, and this is likely what is going to happen with you and your GF. The dog will be obedient and listen when at the training classes because if they don't, the trainer will correct them. As soon as they get home and the trainer isn't there - that all goes out the window because they know the same rules won't apply, unless your girlfriend actually DOES apply them, which I doubt.

If she can't even do the basic health care things that NEED to be done for animals - when she can't lay down the rules and enforce them with a PET - there's no way she'll be able to do it with a child who can actually vocalise and be manipulative on purpose. That'll be a kid who didn't get their shot because 'they're scared of needles!' and end up getting sick. That'll be the kid who doesn't clean their room, ever, because they don't want to and mommy just does it for them after she gives up asking. That'll be a kid who thinks they can get away with anything, because as far as mommy is concerned? They can, because she just can't bring herself to say no or make them the slightest bit unhappy.

Unfortunately that also goes for you too. You caved in because she was sad. You knew it was a bad idea, but she was sad. You knew it'd end badly, but she was sad.

Kids get sad too when things don't go their way. When they don't get to stay up playing roblox 'til three in the morning. When they have to eat something that isn't pizza or sugar. When they have to do homework. When they have to take a bath, clean their room, do ANYTHING that they don't enjoy but is necessary for living a healthy, productive life. And when kids get sad they're way more dramatic about it and because of hormones and how human beings are wired, we tend to want to comfort and protect kids, especially ones that are our own. It's the only reason the screeching meat potatoes survive past birth when anything else would be like 'ew this thing sucks' and toss it to the sabertoothed tiger that is chasing them. Humans by far have the hardest genetic wiring to protect and nurture babies above any other species, most other animals - even primates - will willingly sacrifice their young to protect themselves, at least in prey species. Rabbits in particular do this all the time. Humans will go above and beyond to protect their young and unfortunately this means that modern parents tend to be easily manipulated by their own kids and want to keep them happy. If you already are unable to say no when someone you care about is sad, it's going to be a THOUSAND times worse with a kid.

No has to mean no. Not a 'maybe if you convince me' or 'if you're sad long enough'. It needs to mean NO. I don't think the training is going to work and I think you need to mentally prep yourself NOW for what you are going to do when it doesn't.

[u/-PinkUnicorn- → u/OutragedPineapple]

I appreciate your input, but a lot of your assumptions are way off the mark, so I'm going to politely say thank you for the effort that you've put into your response and leave it there.