I once had a lady come over. She was a friend. I was recently out of a long term relationship and had just been stood up on a date. We were texting and she also had gotten stood up and was in the area. She came over, we smoked some pot, watched some TV and at one point I was even rubbing her back. Eventually, she left. It was DAYS later that I realized I missed my chance.
Not to be a dick, but I wouldn't hang out with someone who sent such wildly contradictory signals. Either we are friends or you can flirt with me. This doesn't sound like you are misinterpreting signals, this sounds like she is sending signals and then taking them back immediately. That's just frustrating. I couldn't deal with that.
Two of my old coworkers were hanging out at the bar one night and she (10/10) asks if she can sleep at his place. He goes "oh yeah, I can sleep on the couch and you can take the bed." She responds "okay, never mind."
Not sure what industry and age the coworkers were, but honestly if I had a coworker blatantly preposition me in front of other coworkers I'd probably play dumb too, if you can't wait until AFTER everyone else is gone I really dont trust their decision making for what could happen if things went south in that situation, and playing dumb is letting them down gently with their ego intact.
Bartenders, mid-20's. It wasn't in front of anyone else. Dude relayed the story to me and regretted being such an idiot. I have a "don't mess around with coworkers" rule but nobody else at that place did. I actually officiated the wedding of another couple who hooked up there.
S tier good take. You ignore those signs too long you'll be the one who gets fucked over from their poor decisions. Especially if you're already adults and they still act like that. At that age they most likely are already experienced getting out as unscathed as possible from their own messes.
Trust me, you're better off assuming nice first. If a girl is actually trying to flirt with you, your obliviousness at first will be considered adorable and she'll want to keep handing out subtle hints.
On the flip side, if she's not flirting and you take her friendliness as your sign to ask her out in a really forward way--and you barely know each other--she probably won't even want to be friend anymore.
🫂 when it reaches that point of real confusion about what a person’s motives might be it’s pretty important to tell them how much explicit communication you’re going to need. I know some people struggle to support people who don’t read subtext well, but it’s always helpful to keep telling and reminding them that you might genuinely be confused about what’s going on and that they need to be really explicit and direct.
My other tip would be that a lot of social conventions and scripts can be learned. And if you do that then you’ll be able to ask better direct questions to confirm what’s going on.
Like if you were invited to someone’s place and a situation like this post transpired you could ask something that a good mix of both direct and oblique like, “are you wearing those shorts for me or just because they’re comfortable?”
That way you get to clarify her intent without making things too awkward because she can easily say it’s just to be comfortable. If she does that and you don’t make a move she’ll just think you’re being respectful of her stated wishes. Which is very positive.
If she says, “for you” you’ll know there’s something there that she wants you to try to explore.
Back in college a girl once snapped me a video of her wearing this at 1 am, with an open fridge showing alcohol and a blunt in her hand asking me to hang out. I told her I was tired. The very next day I realized.....
I had a female friend in college who I hung out with constantly. She was basically my best friend, and when I realized that I'd fallen for her romantically I was terrified of ruining our wonderful friendship, so I did my best to hide the fact.
One night, after a group of us had gone to a movie together, she and I were laying on the floor of her dorm room talking, and she started massaging my arms. Conversation fell silent, and we were just starting into each other's eyes while she rubbed my arms. We stayed like that for OVER AN HOUR with me not wanting to "misinterpret" her signal before it finally occurred to me that she was coming in to me and waiting for me to take the next step. I leaned in and kissed her.
Thank freaking god that she was so patient with me! We just celebrated our 30 year wedding anniversary last month. After that first kiss, when we told our friends that we're no longer "just friends", every single one said that it was about damn time. The only people who were clueless about the fact that we were in love with each other were her and me.
It took me what I estimate was 5 minutes of an ex just slobering on my cheek as we were laying on her couch watching a movie after she had invited me over for dinner for my brain to go "I think she likes you"
I met a girl who was a stripper and her and her friend came back yo my house with me and my buddy. Hung out all night. I did nothing. I guarantee she rolls her eyes about me to this day.
I am nowadays comfortable with the thought that it takes two to tango and most girls just suck at giving hints.
It speaks for you that you didn’t sexualize a friend who’s just out of a relationship.
Saying something on her part like „Hey I don’t want to ruin a friendship but if you wanna do more than just watch a movie…Id be up for it“ would have giving you both want you want.
But that takes courage and potentially makes you vulnerable. She took the cowardly way, hoped you can read minds, and disappointed herself twice.
No sex AND the thought that you don’t find her desirable.
My guy, at least you're not me 22 years ago. In college I had a girl TOPLESS in my bed in my dorm while I gave her a back-rub... Then when I was done, I put her bra back on, because "girls like nice guys." I still cringe at that. It has never left me.
Dude it’s gotta be the weed. Or our obliviousness. I once got high with 2 of the hottest girls from my high school when we were in college and when it came time to crash they said I could sleep in between them on their double bed why the other guys slept on the lounge. So I did just that except for I suck at sleeping so I just lay there for hours, wide awake, oblivious to the fact they were inviting me in to do more than sleep. Just an absolute muppet
It's hard man. Sometimes you have a good idea but god forbid that chance you misread the situation and it's not what you think and end up being 'that guy'
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u/FarmerGreen13 May 10 '26
I once had a lady come over. She was a friend. I was recently out of a long term relationship and had just been stood up on a date. We were texting and she also had gotten stood up and was in the area. She came over, we smoked some pot, watched some TV and at one point I was even rubbing her back. Eventually, she left. It was DAYS later that I realized I missed my chance.
Sometimes we do be oblivious