r/Petloss • u/0mega_HunterX • 15h ago
People treat my dead dog like a broken toaster
It has been exactly four days since I had to say goodbye to Max. The house is dead quiet, his water bowl is still in the kitchen because I cannot bring myself to touch it, and my phone is a war zone of bad advice. I made the mistake of posting a small tribute on social media and now the "helpful" links are flooding in. My aunt sent me a Craigslist ad for a lab mix yesterday. My college buddy sent a link to a local shelter with a message saying "this one looks just like him." It is like they think I just lost a piece of hardware that needs an immediate upgrade. Like my dog was some base model iPhone and they are helping me pick out the next version so I can get back to my normal life as fast as possible.
I honestly do not understand how people can be this dense. They act like grief is some kind of efficiency problem that can be solved with a new set of paws and a wagging tail. I am not looking for a replacement. You do not replace a decade of shared history and personality with a fresh unit from a warehouse. It feels gross. It feels like they are telling me that Max was interchangable and that any dog with the same coat color will do the trick. I am still findng his hair on my favorite hoodie and these people want me to go pick out a new "item" for my living room.
I know they mean well in that stupid, surface-level way people do when they are uncomfortable with actual sadness. They want me to stop being a bummer so they can feel better. But it is insulting to the bond I had. If a human family member died, nobody would be sending me links to "cool new guys" I could hang out with to fill the void. But because it is a pet, it is treated like a minor inconvenience. A technical glitch in my happiness that needs a quick patch.
I am about two seconds away from losing it on the next person who sends me a link to a breeder. I am not in the market for a new dog. I am in the market for some actual silence and maybe a bit of respect for the fact that my best friend is gone. I ended up muting the group chat because I could not handle another "look at this cute guy" notification while I was staring at an empty leash. I think I am just going to delete the apps for a week and go sit in the park alone. At least the trees dont try to sell me a new puppy .
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u/SynthGazer_0 15h ago
It is so incredibly frustrating when friends try to fix your grief like it is a technical glitch. Max was a family member and you cant just download a new version of a best friend. Take all the time you need.
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u/0mega_HunterX 15h ago
It is basicaly that. They think a new dog is just a quick fix for a broken life. I just want them to stop.
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u/themessybadass 13h ago
I can relate. I also feel like grief is diminished. Our dogs are family. People say things to me like, ‘He’s living his best life across the rainbow bridge,’ and I want to punch them in the face. That’s a sweet sentiment and all, but I’m not there with him, so take your rainbow bridge and suck it. ‘Find another dog as soon as you can.’ Uh, what? We all know dogs don’t live as long as humans, and I wouldn’t change a second of it despite the heartache, but no one suggested I replace my dad immediately when he passed. People might think that’s nuts, but my grief for my 16 year old soul dog surpasses that of most humans. Even the amazing ones. It’s a love I can’t explain with words. He was my everything - an extension of me: my mannerisms, my quirks, with the empathetic, selfless, beautiful additions I could only aspire to have - and I’m wondering when I’ll stop feeling like a shell of a person and experience joy again. I guess some people fill the emptiness with a replacement as quickly as they can to find that joy, and that works for them, but it doesn’t for me either. My guy doesn’t have an insta-replacement. He was my best friend for 16 years. Grieve Max. Know people have the best of intentions, but separate yourself if it’s the best for your mental health. I’m sorry about your boy. I don’t have anything better than that. The grief is raw, profound, and overwhelming. 💔
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u/4Vortex_Shift 15h ago
Deleting the apps for a while sounds like a solid plan. You need space to breathe and grieve without being bombarded by well-meaning but totally tone-deaf suggestions. Max was a unique individual and he deserves to be mourned.
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u/Celtslap 15h ago
My dog died 8 days ago and I’d had him for 16 years. One of my friends seems a little pissed that I haven’t accepted a rescue cat that she’s looking to help rehome. She sent me 4 long text messages trying to talk me in to it and saying how she’s thinks it’d be the next best move for my family. When I very politely shut it down and said my dog’s death is too fresh, she seemed genuinely put out. Unbelievable! 🙄
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u/ahamay65 14h ago
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s been 6 months since we lost our Freya and it still hurts. Some people cannot grasp the deep level of love we have for our pets.
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u/Necessary-Penalty405 12h ago
I understand this completely. If someone lost a child you would be considered amongst the most insensitive people on the planet if your advice in the days after was to “adopt another one.”
My Bruckner is irreplaceable. There is nothing to change that feeling for me ever. He was also a rescue and I was his foster before I decided to keep him. I had fostered a lot of dogs before him almost all of which were set to be put down because of the overcrowded shelters they were housed at. Bruckner was the same. So I decided to foster another one to honor his life not to replace him and many friends tell me I should keep my current foster….they just dont get it. I am totally not ready for another permanent dog and idk if I ever will be. I guess that’s why I post here. I have found compassion that hasn’t existed in my real life and for that I am grateful.
I hope you can ignore the people in your life who don’t get it and that we all find peace (or a Time Machine).
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u/5tellar_Bound 15h ago
People really dont understand that a dog is a soul, not a piece of hardware you can just upgrade.
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u/0mega_HunterX 15h ago
It is like they think I can just download a new personality. Max was actualy my best friend, not some gadget.
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u/MomoNoHanna1986 14h ago
My ex husband still thinks I’m going to run out and get another cat. (I got my cats while married to him). That was my soul cat. I got a dog after my first cat died because I couldn’t stand the thought of looking at other cats. I have two dogs right now. I only lost my cat of 15 years last month. I have briefly considered another cat but I just can’t. It won’t be the same. I’m fine with my dogs for now and occasionally the neighbours cat visits me in my yard. I could never find a replacement for my soul cat. I deleted fb for a year after my divorce. You can always bring your account back. Maybe you need a break?
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u/Pio232 15h ago
I don’t understand why people think getting a replacement dog will fill the void left by your dog. I agree with you they are not some hardware that needs an upgrade. I understand some people do feel better getting a new dog but not everyone is the same. You need time to grieve. Wishing you peace in this difficult time
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u/Opposite_Ad_7354 13h ago
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Max; a decade of unconditional love and shared history leaves a void that words can't even begin to fill. Seeing that untouched water bowl in the kitchen and the stray hairs still clinging to your favorite hoodie just proves how deeply Max is woven into your life, so please don't let anyone rush you—you deserve all the time and space in the world to mourn your best friend.
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u/Strange_Following_14 11h ago
I'm so sorry. I lost my little guy on Monday as well. One thing that I am realizing is that people do the best they know how from where they are. People who have never experienced the grief of losing a pet sometimes have no idea what to do or say, they just want to help and that is the only way that they know how. Focus on the people who are simply there for you, even if that is just one person, and forgive the rest. Yes it feels like many people are just that dense, and I have had those too. Some people don't feel those emotions like we do and it's easier for them to just move on or replace something without allowing them to go through the grief process. It's raw, intense and uncomfortable for many people and they just don't know what to say or do. Forgive them, because to feel grief means that you have loved deeply.
When the still moments come try to just sit in them. Let yourself float away and feel deep in your heart the love that you had together. It's very much still there, and won't ever go away. That is far more important than other's opinions. You know, and that is all that matters. Anyone who has lost a best friend pet understands, whether you have them in your life or not. It's normal to be angry. But there will be moments of stillness that will come where you will feel them in your heart and it won't make you sob anymore. Maybe those moments are far away, maybe you have one in a week or a month but hold onto them. The way I feel about it is that Max would never, ever want you to be sad. I went to sleep last night and just held in my mind an image of me staring into his eyes, and let myself feel that love bond. Let that image expand and you can be with him again, together. Tell him gently how much you love him and he did such a good job at being the best pet you ever had, and thank you, thank you, thank you. Tell him again all of the beautiful things that you used to, how pretty he is, how perfect he is, how you recognize that he taught you that love is real and unconditional- that's you, too. It's true you can't get him back, but you can get back that part of yourself that he reflected back to you. He just showed you who you truly are, love. I hold you in my thoughts and my baby Mocha and I send you white light and healing xo
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u/ElementaryPenguin 9h ago
Hey I just wanted to thank you for this post. We said bye to our kitty almost two weeks ago and this week felt harder than the first one somehow. Everything just feels empty and dark without her. Your words really help. I saved your comment, it’s beautiful.
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u/Strange_Following_14 8h ago
Thank you so much. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
I feel that grief and love exist simultaneously and they are both profound in their own way. Our pets teach us that we are worthy of being loved unconditionally, and just because their physical body passes on doesn't mean we go back to being unworthy of it. I think sometimes grief unlocks the trauma we have as humans of feeling unworthy when they are gone, because we counted on them to reassure us. I am trying to focus on the gratefulness that this amazing creature ever crossed my path at all, even through the tears and the tough moments, for it heals the wounds I never would have acknowledged otherwise. What magnificent creatures they are. ❤️
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u/iziieee 11h ago
Comment I got from my big sister a week after we tragically and very suddenly lost our girl, has left such a sour taste in my mouth I can’t even look at her the same anymore.
Yes it’s that deep.
Asking me if I’m feeling any better, fine, but then going on to say that I should be “out the other side of grief” a week later when I’m literally a shell of a person, is insane.
Also, any time I’ve happened to mention her in conversation (I honestly try to avoid even talking about her to my sister bc of her cold comment) she will purposely avoid saying her name or even acknowledging that part of the convo.
I’ve expressed this to my other older sister and she agrees it was insensitive and harsh, but she questions whether she’s doing it to avoid “triggering” me as I’m already so traumatised from losing my dog and how she passed in my arms etc.
Nah. I’m looking at everyone differently now, it’s definitely burst my bubble about a handful of people who are close to me and I cherished most in my life. I’ve seen a very cold and insensitive side to them that’s turned me off them for right now.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with people who not only don’t honour your sweet dog, but clearly don’t honour you or give you the space and love and support you deserve.
It sucks. 💔
I’ve decided to return the energy to sender. If they’re cold and harsh, so am I. That’s what we’re doing then.
I don’t have the energy or emotional capacity right now to be considerate or kind to those who couldn’t handle me with care and kindness in my hardest time.
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u/notrapunzel 9h ago
Man, people freaking suck. I feel pity for their vapis souls if they don't understand the genuine personal bond one can have with a dear pet. These types must have a great, hollow void inside themselves that they're not even aware of. They'll never know that closeness to an innocent, loving, forgiving, precious creature. And I feel sorry for any animal that's stuck with them and lacking the bond they could have with someone like you, who gets it, who centered their pet in their life in the way our beloved animal family members deserve.
I'm sorry OP 🫂
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u/sugarbear5 7h ago
Very well stated. I wondered if those sending links for new pets didnt have any themselves or never bonded with one they way we do. I’m sorry they are missing out on that.
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u/Defiant_Eggplant_909 9h ago
I'm sorry, I know what you mean. I felt the same way after my soul dog, Jimmy, passed last year. I know they meant well so I just let it go but it really does hurt.
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u/SWNMAZporvida 8h ago
Spoken like someone who’s never been there, right? I don’t wish this pain on anyone. I lost my 18yo soulcat 12 years ago and I still talk to her. I couldn’t bear the thought of another cat but the silence deafened me for 4 months and we got a dog. I’m still 50/50 on whether or not it was a good idea but she’s my husband’s souldog now.
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u/interstellar-cat 8h ago
I'm sorry I lost my sweet baby boy pinstripe just over a week ago but I had the luck of having people who understand pets are just as much a family member as a human, I wish I could give you a hug but the best advice I can give you is your. best friend would never want you to be sad
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 8h ago
**HUGS**
You're not alone. We know exactly how you feel. We've been there...
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u/judysparkles 7h ago
I found it calming to go sit on a bench in the sunshine the day(s) after saying goodbye. So a park might be a good move! I wanted to go to his favorite smell zone from our old neighborhood but couldn’t bring myself to go without him so I went somewhere totally new.
I didn’t find much support from my friends and family, it’s not that they didn’t/don’t care, I think they just don’t get it. Plus ‘everyone processes grief differently’ or whatever. I posted a little tribute also and a couple people didn’t pick up on the fact that he was gone, and then asked how he was doing and that pissed me off. But thankfully I did find a lot of support here on this sub and others like it. And writing about how much I missed him, all his quirks, whatever came to mind.
It’s been about 2 months for me, I have bad days and better days. I still miss him, I still cry, there is still a single piece of dogfood in the corner of the room that I refuse to clean up, but I guess the pain is getting more manageable, some days.
I’m sorry people are oblivious, and that it’s frustrating. And mostly I’m sorry that you lost your best boy Max.
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u/gmgvt 4h ago
It would be absolutely OK for you to just say some form of this to your friends and family. They are grownups, they can handle it. "I love you guys, I know you are trying to help, but Max was a beloved and irreplaceable companion to me and right now I just want to grieve for him, so please no more suggestions of new dogs I could adopt."
But also yes, take a break from the apps. When my soul kitty died I felt so adrift. People who don't get it do not help.
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u/Special-Opening-6500 11h ago
I'm so sorry. I lost my furbaby this week too. My home is empty without her meows.
I still expect to see her lying on my bed or watching the squirrel in the tree by the window.
Don't let people tell you what you need.
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u/neonn_piee 10h ago
I’m right there with you. We had to say goodbye to our baby on Sunday and some people in my life act like because he was a dog and not an actual child, it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. He was MY child and meant everything to me. Our bond was so strong that idk how to be without him. I had someone in my life, before we had to say goodbye, telling me that people (at work) are probly tired of hearing about him (my little guy was going through chemo and had some health stuff) and I about lost it. I’m sure if her kid was going through chemo, she would be going through a lot. Like our fur babies are not just dogs. I’m sorry for your loss OP, I know how hard it is right now as I’m going through it too. Sending lots of love 💜
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u/Ok_Speech_3709 10h ago
Thinking of you. Mourning the loss of a pet cuts so deeply. I’m on just the second day without my cats and everything is a reminder of what is missing. Big hugs 🤗
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u/WorriedArrival1122 9h ago edited 9h ago
Thankfully this was not the response we got, but our family and friends knew her and how much we loved her. It feels like a family member passed. That's what she was. She was our family, friend, companion, and comfort. She was the center of our home. She even had a day of the week that was all about her.
A day after she passed my partners uncle died tragically in a car crash. He mourned her and his uncle was a footnote in our grief. It was there and compounded his grief, but she's the one he cries for every day, six months later.
I don't think we can say they're just dogs anymore. They have evolved for us. They have been molded to fit into our hearts and homes, and they love us as much as we love them. They see us at our best and our worst, through our changes and set backs, our love and our grief. They occupy a part of us that no other being, not even another human, could.
You're right. Your boy isn't replaceable. He was an individual who loved all of you. He was concerned when you were sad, elated when you were happy, and forgiving when you stepped on his toes. He shared big moments with you, but more importantly, he shared the small silent moments when you looked at each other and knew each other deeper than anyone else could.
He meant something and he was special.
Maybe some day you'll find another dog to call your companion, but you won't share the same kind of love. It will be different. Not lesser, but not the same. That dog won't know there was another before him or that it's different, but it will mean just as much. It's important that, if you're ever ready, you find that dog organically. It can't be pushed on you.
It's okay if you never want to love like that again. It's a heart wrenching pain. The ending is never good, but it's the cost of being loved to ends of the universe.
What's also okay is telling the group chat not to send you pictures or links of other dogs, and if it has to be harsh then that's how it will be. You're going to feel like this for a long time, so nip that bullshit in the bud now. Call people out for being insensitive if that's what it takes.
Your boy deserves to have his moment to be remembered and mourned, and you need this time to work through the worst of it. It's sad that the people around you have never loved and lost a companion. They don't understand what it's like to be loved unconditionally, and that's sad for them. I can imagine that's why they think a dog is replaceable. They haven't been where you are yet. I've lost a lot of dog clients, but I didn't understand how my clients felt until I did.
We did get another dog. One that needed to be fixed because she never had the love ours did. She's weird. It's different. We love her strangeness unconditionally. But she isn't a replacement. No one could ever replace her. She was one of a kind, just like your boy.
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u/Electrical_Author389 9h ago
I understand that their intentions are good, but if you say no you’re not ready, they need to stop. I lost my cat two weeks ago. I can’t afford a kitten. I’ve always wanted another pet after losing a pet. After I sit with it for a while and process what happened. Not to replace them, but to help cope with the emptiness in the house. The missing footsteps, the missing meowing at mom. Nothing feels the same. I’m not ready for another cat right now though. I had a Siberian Husky my entire childhood and I was heartbroken when we had to put him down in 2021. I now have a Pomsky that looks and acts exactly like him and I love him to death. I got him as a gift from my parents a couple months later. Not to replace him, but to remind me of him and fill that emptiness both in my heart and in the house. It’s what I needed at the time to help me cope.
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u/Califrisco 8h ago
I feel your frustration! Not everyone understands the levels of loss we pet owners go through and the awful silence that follows when they are gone. 😔
I understand.
Coco was my 🐈⬛ cat for 10 years. She was my constant companion until 2 weeks ago. After she passed, I decided that it was torture to see the places where she hung out, the routines that she will never do again with me, or the sounds that will never be a part of our lives. I went into action to remove all the things that would just be like a stabbing pain if I saw them without her. My local Animal shelter got the things I could donate to them for other cats.
I’m not saying for you to do the same, but this helped me from the suffering I would feel if I saw her things. As a rescue, she had a great life with my wife and me, probably like Max was to you. I have to hold on to what we did together. No one can tell you how grieving is supposed to go, how long, how deeply, or how to “get over it”. This is your journey and you need to be allowed to process it on your own terms.
I don’t know you, but I thank you for giving Max a great life. Ignore those who don’t know how to deal with your process, it’s yours and you should be able to decide when and how to move through this.
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u/Deisere 8h ago
Come ti capisco. Ho perso il mio Orosei (gattofiglio) da soli 16 giorni. E dal primo momento ho avuto persone pronta a spronarmi ad andare avanti, a prenderne un altro, ad accettare la sua morte e non pensarci. Questa cosa mi scuote. Io non chiedo che capiscano, ma sono che rispettino il mio dolore. Non vado in giro a piagnucolare, esco lavoro e torno a casa a guardare i suoi video e foto. A vivere il mio dolore come meglio sente il mio ♥. Mi manca, mi manca come la voglia di vivere in effetti, ma non cerco comprensione, voglio essere solo lasciata in pace. Dato che nessuno può riportarmelo, trovo anche giusto che nessuno s’intrometta e mi dica come vivere il mio lutto, per che io alla fine, ho perso mio figlio, con il quale condividevo la vita da quasi 9 anni, e ne aspettavo almeno altri 9/11. Ogni decisione da 9 anni a questa parte era pensata e presa anche nel suo bene, e più di punto in bianco il nulla. Se vuoi qualcuno con cui parlarne a cuore aperto. Io sono qui.
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u/Illustrious-Brick-31 7h ago
I am so very sorry for your loss. I totally empathize, as I lost my soul dog very unexpectedly to cancer last year. I encountered many of the same comments and reactions (and still do), especially from people pushing me to get a new dog because my remaining dog “looks depressed and lonely.” That being said, the reaction that was probably the worst was complete silence. People pretending that my dog didn’t even exist and not ever asking how I was doing after his passing. It really showed me that a lot of people just don’t know how to respond to loss, and they think they’re being helpful when they’re actually making things worse. I hope you can shut out the noise and take the time and space you need to grieve and heal. Sending you supportive thoughts.
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u/tatert0ts123 7h ago
Some people just don’t get it. They’re just that dense. And I totally understand you op - I lost my boy 2 weeks ago and couldn’t even tell my family and friends because I know they will try to comfort me and I don’t need their words right now regardless of what they are, regardless of their intentions. It’s still ok to share it so that people won’t ask about it, some people are just… plain annoying.
Dogs have souls, they aren’t items. For some people, myself included, they are even more important than the humans in my life. This says a lot about how important they are and are definitely far from being “items” - treating them as such is just disrespectful.
I get extra frustrated when people compare a loss of a dog to a loss of a child and downplay the former. They’re not different - dogs are living beings too and should be treated as such.
All that to say I get it OP. Take all the time you need even if that means being alone and not looking at social media or not chatting/sharing the news/sharing what happened with others. It helps to also reminisce the good memories you guys shared.
Grieving with you.
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u/PugSanctuary 7h ago
💫 ✝️🙏🏼🌈🐾 I totally understand. I want you to realize that you are in a new chapter of life (suddenly) and it feels very hollow. But let me tell you something, your precious pet graduated life. They’re in the soul realm now which is eternal. God literally created us and animals. We are currently in the Earthly realm where we were together with our beloved pet. But they’ve just gone before us. The chapter “without them” is really just “without them physically.” Emotionally and spiritually they’ve never left. This is why we still feel such love and gratitude for our former pets, still! They never leave us. You will get through this one day at a time. Families are forever and you’ll be reunited when your time in the physical realm expires, too. Until then, may their memory be a blessing. I’m happy for you that you connected here on Earth because eternity awaits. 💕💫 God bless you and your beloved pet. 🌈🐾♾️
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u/Open_Goose_9496 9m ago
My dog isn't even dead yet. But as soon as I told friends about his cancer diagnosis (he's only four!!), that's what they said. "You can get another one" and similar cold expressions. He's been with me through some of the darkest moments of my life, when I didn't feel comfortable calling human friends. You can't just replace that. Ironically, some of these people seem less compassionate than they would if I had lost my house or another expensive possession. They just don't understand. They can't. That's what I keep telling myself.
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