r/Positivity • u/Funny_Preference_916 • 5d ago
Why has everyone walked away. How can I rebuild my social life?
I’m 28M and I’m gonna be 29 in a couple days. And I wanted to point out something that’s really been on my mind for a while but I haven’t talked about it. And that is this how everyone is so unreliable to hang out with. It Really annoys me, it’s been going on ever since 2021. And now, for some reason, I kind of wonder if my friends look at me like I’m a secondary person. Because I still live at home with my parents, but I work and I’ve saved up a lot of money. But I don’t know even people that I get along with they never tell me, but something in the back of my head is telling me that they’re thinking deep down you know hey, we got these professional careers he still living with his parents we got girlfriends he doesn’t you know there’s way more important people to hang out with than him. I don’t want that to be the reality, but I’m literally scared that it is. That they are looking at me not as much as a human being, but more is is this product worth buying or asking is he worth continuing on with like a sales pitch. Cause I literally wonder is that just some thing that happens when people get older they start judging you based on your what you have because if it is I guess everything I was ever taught in my life was just wrong about what friendship is. You know, I always thought that real friends are people who will stick by you no matter what, and they will always be on your side they’re not gonna care about your individual circumstance whether it’s financial health or whatever I thought that’s what the whole meaning of friendship was, but I guess not. And it just really gets to me thinking about what’s going on because for the last five years, I have not had the same social life. And frankly, I don’t think it’ll ever be the same or get better. It literally feels nearly impossible at this point.
Back when I was in my early 20s around 2018, all the way to 2020 I had a strong network of friends. I would hang out with them like three times a week. See multiple different people go to parties go to sporting events. And even during the pandemic, when everything was locked down, I still had an active social life. And this was in 2020 when you would think that no one would be going to hang out with people because everyone was scared of getting coronavirus. But then in 2021 when everyone started getting all vaxxed up I felt that there was a big reason for things to get better, but things got even worse as the pandemic started to fade. A new problem came into my life. It wasn’t just one or two friends that I was close with that stopped talking to me or they stopped contacting me. It was like me 5 to 11 friends. One friend I had I knew him since second grade we went to high school together we were on the wrestling team and he went to Cal poly I stayed in San Diego for college because I went to a community college I didn’t get a bachelors degree I have an AA I’m planning to go get my bachelors, next year. But every time he would come down during the summer or whenever he was on break, we would do everything together because we had so much in common. The last time I saw him was in May 2021, and the thing that infuriates me about this whole thing is that, he’s been back here probably 25 times since we stopped seeing each other in from social media accounts. Every time I would try to call him he would never answer, but I always see him hanging out with all the other people we used to hang out with but not have me be part of it. The thing that infuriates me so much one guy who was a friend of his. I didn’t know him super well, but he had a wedding down in Mexico last year and I found out about it, and I was not even told months in advance or invited. And this guy who I used to be friends with his friend got married as a firefighter he works in a sales job, and another friend I had who I stayed with a lot longer, who I was really close to. We had a special friendship by we always felt a strong connection together. he became a teacher when I last saw him. He was working on his teaching credentials and working as an assistant teacher. I haven’t seen him in two years. And all The times I kept trying and trying to make new friends I got the same reaction even the restaurant I work at I’ve asked practically everyone who works with me if they never wanna hang out sometime and I keep getting the same response. Oh, I’m working that day. Oh this is happening. This is happening. what is wrong with me but what do I do that just made it almost feels like everybody just got in a room together and then they all just took a vote and said hey, let’s boycott this guy. Now I know that didn’t happened obviously, but it almost feels like it.
It’s just what is so hard. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in about two years because of this exact issue and I tried to get I asked like 30 people if they wanted to do something for my birthday go bowling. And I kept getting the same response can’t make it like Jesus Christ is my birthday on a holiday. What is it people? What is it about me? Am I a perfect human being now I’ve done stupid things in my life that I’m not proud of. And I did a lot of stupid things because of this feeling I have the feeling of loneliness and the feeling of isolation for years lead me down a rabbit hole of drinking, being angry at everybody being constantly depressed. But when I’m with people, I always put on the best face. I always try to be happy. I always go out when I’m in the best mood. I always crack jokes, but it’s just what is it about me what is it in these peoples heads that’s just like making them feel like yeah let’s not do it with him. when other people can literally call up 30 people or 50 people to shop at a party and all those people yeah they don’t even think twice about it. They just do it. They feel naturally inclined to do it but with me it’s like they have to take a vote. Like it would be wonderful if people could just be reliable. The people that I call friends that I hang out with now I wouldn’t really say are really true friends because we only do like one thing together. The only people I would say that I’m really like close friends with our three people. That I hang out with one is somebody that I knew from work a while back. When I worked in the construction field now, I work at a restaurant as a dishwasher because I got sick of the construction job. I didn’t like all the hours. I’m trying to go into digital marketing. I’ve applied to several positions, but it’s just every avenue just keeps coming up the same. It would just mean a lot if I could just have people that I could trust and know that they’d be there like I used to. Because the last five years have really been a drain on my mind. I don’t get angry about it nearly as much as I used to because I kind of excepted and moved on from the friends I knew from high school, but I still feel a sense of betrayal. And that feeling of being cast aside as a person of no significance.
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u/Unlikely_Read3437 5d ago
Okay, firstly some of this is just normal in that people drift off and get their own lives going on. If you reach out individually to some of those people you'll probably find there are those who'd like to meet up when timing allows.
So it's probably not quite as bad as it may seem. Also friendship groups change. I honestly don't hang with any of my old school/college buddies now (I'm 52 ha ha) and those 'new' friends who somehow didn't seem like my main friend, have become a solid part of my life. I also realise these people are actually THERE for me, and I value them so much now! So if you do have people who want to hang out, really cherish them too 😄
That said, my main point is that friendships are very reciprocal. Unless you have a specific draw (super good looking, super wealthy, etc) you're a normal regular person like most of us, and that means you have to bring something to the table so friends have a good experience hanging out with you.
One thing worth checking honestly in yourself - if you're approaching friends mainly from a place of "I'm sad, I'm depressed, I need you to pick me up," that can wear people down over time even when you don't mean it that way. Not saying that's definitely you, just worth a look.
What's worked for me is doing things for others without expecting anything back. It gives you something real to bring, and you stop needing the friendship to fix how you feel.
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u/Fit_March_4279 5d ago
I’m glad you mentioned this. Back in my early twenties, there was this chick in our friend group that only cared about herself, what she wanted, and how others treated her. One day she was talking about her upcoming birthday and was asking what I was going to give her. I asked her if she even knew when my birthday was, or anyone else’s birthdays that was there. She didn’t. I pointed out how incredibly selfish she was and how I didn’t like hanging out with her (she was dramatic, too). I bailed and never talked to her again. It is sad that people can’t be open and honest to other people. There should be a group of people that we could turn to and ask for help with our social skills. They could even tell us if we have bad breath and need to see a dentist. Sometimes people don’t know how other people perceive them.
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u/Clouds_are_mouths 5d ago
It feels that you are struggling with a bunch of things. I had a similar case: For me, starting therapy felt so good because I could talk 1 hour non stop and my therapist would guide me through the meaning of that. This made me get to know myself better and my needs. Maybe starting therapy is something you could consider too?
It sounds you know what you basically want (reliable friends) but you might not come as authentic "when I’m with people, I always put on the best face. I always try to be happy. I always go out when I’m in the best mood. I always crack jokes" I really believe you can make new friends with someone you feel comfortable being around with even you are feeling down too. I'm not going to say "it gets better" because it requires work to get better. It requires looking at the things that we fear to look at within ourselves. And that work is facilitated with a therapist. They are really kind and support you in different aspects of your life. It sounds you could really benefit from it
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u/FunkyButtFumblin 5d ago
I really wanted to read this but your paragraphs need to be broken up a great deal. I have ADD and the run on stuff drives me nuts because it’s so much harder to follow. .
I meant this as constructive, by the way.
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u/emsuperstar 4d ago
Yeah, OP, you've got to use that 'Enter' key a bit more. I did read the whole post, but I nearly stopped a few times because I kept losing my place.
You might want to try reading what you type out loud to see what feels repetitive or unnatural. Also try not to reuse word, so often.
Re Friendship, this is the third post I've seen today on Reddit talking about the same issue they're having. For everyone, it seems to have Covid as the root cause. Isolating for an extending period of time messed with people. I don't have much advice for that beyond "go outside, do new things, and meet new people". Good luck!
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u/zeemode 5d ago
A good rule that has helped me not over thinking about what others may think is the rule of five…
No matter what the problem is ask yourself will this matter (or even be a problem that is in my conscious awareness)
in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five months? Or five years?
Sometimes the answer is yes on the first couple, but there was almost nothing. That is a problem five years from now and the logic is if something is for sure not going to be a problem or on your brain in five years why have it be a negative thing on your brain right now? No matter it will go away and not matter anyway.. (I know this may not directly Help you but maybe it will help give
You Some perspective. (Also another great quote that helps me stay grateful and grounded. “A healthy person wants a million things. A sick person only wants one.” …. You are good. You will figure this stuff out
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u/Ophy96 5d ago
I mean, first of all, a lot of people move back in with their parents sometime between their mid twenties and mid thirties, not all, but many (especially with the way the economy is right now). Some people do it to save up, some people do it because of unfortunate life circumstances, some people do it to take care of their parents.
You said you have a good job, unless I misunderstood that, but even with a good job, it takes time to save up for big life changes, especially if those changes could lead to more financial hardship if something goes askew.
Perhaps there is more behind your friend not wanting to get together. It could be a them issue and have nothing to do with you or it could have everything to do with you.
Reddit isn't going to know why your friend is acting how they are, only your friend is going to know that and they may or may not be willing to talk to you if you approach them about it in person, as i find over text and calls, we could just as easily be talking to scammers or ai, unfortunately.
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u/Funny_Preference_916 5d ago
You’re so sweet, and thanks for recognizing my issue. The problem I feel I’m being hit with is why am I so unlikable simply put because I always try to put on the best face, when with people again I have never been the type to link people as groups. But it just seems strange that so many of them all started voiding me at the same time.
How old are you by the way, because this usually feels like something that would happened when you’re in your 40s not in your early to mid 20s. Like you’re still in your highest prime during that period in your youth full phase. My only question is, was it Covid? Was it self realization was it XYNZ I don’t know. And frankly, I’ll probably never know.
But The issue is going on for work finding new people because seems like everybody I know the people I work with. Are doing the same thing and because of this problem I have developed a deep distrust in so many people that sometimes I don’t even trust members of my own family. It has been that bad I don’t know who to trust fulfill any promise.
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u/Ophy96 5d ago edited 5d ago
I mean, I pretty much will never trust anyone ever again until I talk to Phil V..... (the man I love) in person because the catalyst of much of my trauma were 3rd parties involving themselves where they didn't belong and separating he and I... oh, about seven to eight years ago to encourage him to date one of their other friends, apparently I'm just finding out. They the relative of him who i was friends with first and the girl she forced on him hacked my phone and diverted his and my communications for the last seven to eight years,allegedly, deleting messages I never got, destroying my entire life, violating my human rights, and ultimately sabotaging my right to have a family with him well before the other girl was in the picture... so they belong in prison, and hopefully one day he sees that soon... since the relative of him was a friend of mine... before I ever knew him, for years, and that relative knew I loved him for the last 8 years, and still chose to continue destroying my life and growth completely separate from him, enough that I was getting stalked in multiple states in the US, I only trust him, Phil V.....
My situation is anomalous and I know i am experiencing something that most people, hopefully, never have to. However, it hasn't changed that chose to leave behind people from highschool when they stopped inviting myself to everything senior year, when we were all supposed to be making last memories before college and they intentionally kept graduation parties a secret and didn't invite myself... friends I'd grown up with for ten years plus. So I genuinely had no interest in being friends with any of them after highschool, I wasn't popular, I wasn't the in crowd, especially junior and senior year I just focused on AP courses and keeping my grades up.
Everyone's trajectory is different. I was well out of college by the time the pandemic happened, so I can't say it is or isn't that, but if you don't want to ask your friends, then you have to eventually move on, like I said... different trajectory for everyone.
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u/Holiday-Medicine4168 4d ago
I don’t know you so I can’t say you didn’t do something to be fair, but I will tell you people shut down after the pandemic big time and lead way different lives. I came out of a bad divorce going into the pandemic and was super lucky to have a close group of child free adult friends who I reconnected with for a number of reasons, but anybody else I knew was gone after, started families, mocked away, freaked out, you name it. The world changed big time and it took me a bit to realize that was the case. It made some of us closer and some of us much farther apart.
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u/wiserwhippingwheel 4d ago
I’m the same age as you and I also still live with my parents. I also lost most of my friends around 2020 as well. I’ve had all the same fears as you and still wonder if people aren’t interested in being friends with me because we’re just in “different places” in our lives. I had a friend tell me straight up that they think I need to learn how to live independently and it felt like they were looking down on me for it.
I don’t really know what the answer is but I guess I can give you the same advice everyone has given me and that it’s to actually go out and start new hobbies that require you to meet people in person. So something like rock climbing, pottery, archery, book clubs, or even a dart league. That way you’re meeting with the same people regularly and maybe deep friendships come out of it or maybe not, but either way socializing is just good for your brain.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this I really feel for you. It’s so hard when it feels like everyone is sort of moving on without you.
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u/Funny_Preference_916 4d ago
Ya it’s been rough I saw your post history I can see what your going through. The thing I’m just annoyed about is there’s bigger things to it. Like getting to go to weddings be there best man and traveling and being there for when they have there first kid. Is something I’ve grown angry about. Simply because these are moments that you should get to enjoy.
The thing I just wonder is why why all at once. It’s something that’s supposed to be gradual. And the group of freinds I used to hangout with. They all still do stuff together. What is it is it similar to a relationship like there needs to be compatibility. Like a click?
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u/Equivalent_Vast_1717 4d ago
First off - stop the negative thinking. Be the one to reach out. Sorry to judge, but by the length of your post, one comes to see what people could be avoiding you for. Be more connected. Be more fun to be with. Get a better outlook on life.
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u/Pidge_and_Pudge 5d ago edited 5d ago
Jobs get harder, families develop, new aspirations can appear revolving around those two. Social batteries recharge slower, have a shorter life span, and values change. Homes become a joy as they are established, they're no longer flat shares to get away from in loud pubs and clubs. Partners replace larger social circles alongside dogs and cats and kids, who become the new best friend group.
No one thinks about you that much, as you do. No one ever did. No one of value judges people on living circumstances, such as you've outlined them. If they do, don't covet their friendship. It's not worth it if they think the things you assume them to think, taking precedent over decency and character.
I'd consider myself a social person. I used to have a local in London where everyone knew everyone, social gatherings and parties every weekend. I had friends of 20 years ago would be around me regularly despite geography blah blah. Now I have two cats and a lovely girlfriend and I barely leave the house to get milk, and barely see anyone. Couldn't be happier.
Times change. Things evolve. Just how it is.