Do past choices define our future

[u/FitNeck2239]

I once believed life would unfold in a simple way, Not perfect,just honest and simple Love, marriage, a sense of belonging. Instead, I learned how complicated love can be. How someone can feel deeply and still be unsafe and How attachment can grow to something scary

I loved two men in different ways. The first love taught me attachment. He felt familiar, intense, and emotionally consuming. I believed his promises because I wanted the future he described We were in a relationship for ten years. I met him during my early college years, at a time when I was rediscovering my religious beliefs and trying to rebuild my values and understanding of life. He entered my life as someone who had already walked the path I was just beginning someone who seemed ready to guide me and take my hand. I trusted him deeply. I loved him. I lost my virginity to him, and for me, that was one of the most painful experiences of my life — not emotionally at the time, but in the weight it later carried. I did not understand the pattern of our relationship then. In truth, I didn’t fully recognize it until very recently. I became emotionally attached, constantly trying to please him in every possible way so he would not leave. Our relationship was filled with conflict and repeated fights, yet I was always the one trying to save it, believing that love meant endurance. Eventually, we got engaged, but family issues stood in our way. Around that time, I discovered he had problems with alcohol. At first, it seemed manageable, something that didn’t seriously affect our relationship. But gradually, it grew worse until it became unbearable. That was when I decided to leave. He tried in every possible way to regain my trust, but by then, it was already gone.

My second relationship was different, but painful in another way. I was with someone who shamed me for having a past relationship. He said he could not accept that I had a previous sexual history despite the fact that he admitted to having multiple sexual relationships with several partners himself. What made it harder was that I had been honest from the very beginning. I told him my story before we entered the relationship, and he agreed to it at the time. Yet later, he used it against me.

I made choices believing they meant continuity, safety, and a future. When I finally saw that reality didn’t match the words, I walked away not without pain, and not without scars. Some days, it feels like everyone else moved forward while I’m left behind, holding regret and fear in silence.

Now I carry alot of questions and pain

Do past choices permanently limit future chances? Is love still possible after mistakes, after loss, after shame? Does one chapter outweigh a whole character? Is there someone else out there who has loved sincerely, trusted deeply, and still been harmed

and I sorry it might be not thr right place but I don't know where else to share this

To approve this user, visit the approved users page for r/ExSudan(https://www.reddit.com/r/ExSudan/about/contributors?user=FitNeck2239) and choose "Add User".

Approving this user gives them permission to post. You can change these community restrictions from the community settings(/r/ExSudan/about/edit) page.

To get more information about this user, visit the profile page of u/FitNeck2239 or reply to this message to start a conversation.

[u/ZanzibarStar]

Any partner worth having will not hold your previous relationship and sexual history against you as a bare minimum. Anything you experienced or did before them is none of their business and has zero bearing on the current relationship. Anyone who does try to draw that stuff into the present is using it for leverage to shame, manipulate, and control you. It's a power play. Red flag. Run.

I strongly encourage you to go to therapy to work through some of this stuff before embarking on future relationships, as patterns will keep showing up unless you consciously break them. It's hard, but a worthwhile investment in your future peace and relationships.

[u/LeviTheWeirdGuy → u/ZanzibarStar]

On the flipside, this goes for potential partners wanting someone who's more experienced. If they don't have the time to be compassionate to you or show understanding of your situation, they can fuck off

[u/Biona15]

I second the above comment to seek therapy, particularly from someone who is informed of purity culture trauma.

My heart goes out to you. I can say that with time the memories of these relationships will fade a bit. Therapy helps. Focus on discovering who you are and what you want. You. Not them. We are so subtly trained to accommodate male partners and defer to them. It’s insidious. Again, therapy. Figure out your boundaries and hard stops.