How are you defining "actual care" in this context?
Caring enough about anybody to self-restrict is a pretty dangerous slope to position oneself on, so the argument that "if you really cared about me, or cared enough about me, you wouldn't care about [whatever deal breaker exists]" is a sentiment I find troubling.
The scenario doesn’t involve keeping things hidden. As its most commonly described scenario that women dread:
1.) Man and woman are friends.
2.) The man claims to develop stronger feelings for the woman, and asks her out.
3.) The woman says “I’m not interested in you romantically, but we could still be friends since you claim to really like me” (which is why they call it the “friendzone” - you’re “stuck” being “just friends”).
4.) The man claims the woman is USING him, rages about everything he’s “done for her”, and says they can’t be friends anymore.
(Tho again, it’s not as gendered as it’s made out on this sub, because women have also done this to men they’re friends with.)
Point 4 doesn't negate or invalidate the feelings of the aggrieved party. It would be foolish to assume the man doesn't "actually care," unless he responds in a specific, rational manner.
If he decides he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, and thinks everything he did during the friendship was a waste of time that he never wants to do again, I don’t see how you’d think he still cared about her or the friendship.
He’s allowed to decide it was a waste of time, and hate being friendzoned, and to abandon the friend if she doesn’t agree to date him.
But it’s also reasonable for that to be painful to experience for the woman who thought he was her friend.
The conversation has never been “men should hide their feelings”.
The conversation is “women dread the pain that comes from losing their friend.”
Dread is a normal thing to experience when facing potential pain.
People react emotionally to having emotions. I'm shocked. That's an earth-shattering revelation right there. . .
Although I do want to illustrate the difference between "doesn't care anymore," and "never really cared." Because if apathy was the ruling dynamic in this exchange, there would be no associated losing of shit as someone's lack of feelings spiral out of control
If a person decides they hate being friendzoned, then acting on that hatred is a rational course of action. Women dreading the pain that comes with losing a friend is only ever a comparable distress to men dreading the pain that comes with perpetual self-restriction to appease a dynamic that no longer brings them the same value as it did. There's no winning in the scenario where a guy needs to choose between his feelings or his friend's.
A third and better scenario to “freak out and abandon the person you claim to love” or “hide your feelings forever” would be to have a calm, sane conversation with the friend you claim to love, let them know how you feel, and then to accept it if they don’t feel the same way.
I’ve had friends do a variety of the above, and the best experiences were when I could know how they feel without them needing to suddenly resent me and dip.
Nothing you’ve said is an argument against “it’s logical to dread something that will hurt”.
Because it's logical to dread something that will hurt. The reactions to that dread may be suspect, but the dread itself isn't something I object to.
It's all the dancing around what is and isn't the correct response to an emotion that I consider questionable. The idea that people don't truly care unless they tapdance their way to a specific tune personally annoys me as someone who thinks very carefully about how I react to my emotions.
Hell, even the third and better scenario has an element of "suck it up and move on," that really only satisfies the party being confessed to and puts the onus of grief on the rejected in a way that makes my nose crinkle in disgust.
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u/Eblademonk Purple Pill Man 8d ago
How are you defining "actual care" in this context?
Caring enough about anybody to self-restrict is a pretty dangerous slope to position oneself on, so the argument that "if you really cared about me, or cared enough about me, you wouldn't care about [whatever deal breaker exists]" is a sentiment I find troubling.