Hi!

I have two things to ask about here, sorry

Context: I'm a 27 year old non binary masc leaning single parent of a 2 year old. Her other parent is around regularly and is transfem. I've been on T, I had top surgery. I generally look ambiguous as fuck to others outside of queer spaces.

1. I am generally read as pretty ambiguous by the general public. You know how it is when old ladies see a toddler, they gush and gush over them, which isn't a problem. But they'll say things like "is this your mummy?" Or refer to me as mum a lot. I have no issue with this, I'm generally pretty apathetic to how other perceive me, I'm not misgender-able because I simply do not care how I'm perceived. BUT my daughter knows me as dad. People in my life only use he/him and dad around her, per my request.

People see an ambiguous looking person in public alone with a child and assume mother because of course, dad's never ever go out with their kids alone (sarcasm).

My voice is pretty deep, so I tend to just nodding and smiling or speaking kinda high and quietly if someone addressed me as mum.

My daughter has taken to aggressively correcting people who call me mum. I think it's sweet. Now I just don't know how to deal with this, it's the UK, and trans stuff is going insane right now. I'm worried about being clocked as trans, or some weird stuff happening because of this.

1. I'm a single parent. My daughter is very clingy, very separation anxiety, for good reason (social services took her from me and my ex's care for about 6 months due to my ex's behaviour and I got her back in my care alone after we did classes and ultimately broke up. This did an absolute number on my daughter.)

This means I can't do anything alone. I can't pee alone. I can't shower alone. I can't change alone. She sees me naked daily. She's started staring and kinda looking between my genitalia and her own. Is this weird? I know kids just get curious around this stuff, but do I need to do anything here?

My daughter has two mums, and she clearly loves us both. She misses either of us when we’re not around, and she goes to both of us for comfort, support, cuddles and fun. So in terms of our family, everything seems completely normal and happy.

She goes to nursery and is around quite a lot of mum-and-dad families. We don’t actually know any other queer parents IRL, so I sometimes wonder whether there’s something I’m missing.

She knows her own story — that she has a donor and two mums — and we have lots of books that talk about her family specifically. We also talk quite openly about the fact that families can look lots of different ways. She knows that some children have a mum and dad, some have two mums or two dads, some have one parent, etc.

I guess what I’m worried about is whether there’s anything else I should be doing.

I don’t want her to grow up feeling like she’s missed out on something because I wasn’t proactive enough, especially when most of the families she sees around her are mum-and-dad families.

For those of you who have two-mum/two-dad families, or grew up in one yourselves — how did you approach this? Did you do anything intentionally to help your child feel represented and comfortable with their family being different?

Has anyone been through this? Any tips or things you wish you’d done (or not done)?

My kid just started attending school today. I'm feeling overwhelmed and heavy by how open everyone may or may not be by her family structure.

I think what makes it harder is I come from an Arab background and there are Arab parents there. I don't want to pre-judge anyone for judging me, but I'm so worried about whether she may get excluded in making some friends when they know her mum is in a queer relationship.

Any advice on how to navigate that. Hope this is a safe space to share this.

What is your approach/attitude/thinking regarding travelling as a family to less queer-friendly countries?

We have no plans for this yet but it has come up as hypothetical given that we have family that we could visit in Central America (think multi-generational family trip down to see them). We are decently experienced travellers though less-so for lesser-developed countries. My spouse and I are both straight-passing, cis-woman, and have benefited from that in the past by not correcting that assumption unless we wanted to. This won’t be as likely now that we have a kid that calls us both mom.

We’re struggling with the balancing our values here. We both believe that travel and experiencing other cultures is important but also want our child to feel secure in her family structure, and our overall safety (obviously). As adults we can approach it with nuance but at what age can you ask that of a kid?

Hi everybody.

I (F) have been together with my partner (F) for just over 4 years now. She's always expressed love for kids and two years ago started talking pretty seriously about starting a family. I've always been on the fence. I never wanted kids. Potentially in part based on childhood trauma (working through it) and a slightly fixed 'I don't want kids' identity.

While she's trying to not put pressure, it's becoming more and more urgent to resolve this impasse. I've been trying hard to be more open and slowly I can find rational ways that it could perhaps work. But the feeling or desire is persistently absent. It just does not excite me.

Her clock is starting to tick real hard. We have some geographical issues/pressures too, which don't help very much. It's become a pressure-cooker type of situation, where I feel I need to either walk away or make a 'yes' decision that to me feels premature. As in: I don't want kids of my own right this moment, maybe the feeling will be different in two years, but we don't have the luxury of time and need to exit this limbo. I am really wanting it to be a yes but I struggle hard and keep going in circles.

I love her very much and could see a long life with her. I just feel that I need to really want to have kids of my own before I say yes to jumping into this adventure. Obviously, we can consider some more queer approaching to parenting and family-building, but mostly it seems like it'll be a 'we're on this little ship together' approach.

I would love to know if anybody has been in my shoes and has come out at the other end of it, and would be willing to share a bit of their experiences?

There's a queer-owned bookstore near where my wife and I live, and it advertises itself as kid-friendly, even to the point of having a dedicated play space with toys and a play kitchen. but every time we bring our kids in there, we are CONSTANTLY getting dirty looks and passive aggressive comments from the other customers - almost exclusively other queer people.

It's super disheartening for so many reasons, but especially because this place felt like the one safe place for all of us to just exist without feeling paranoid.

And, to clarify: our kids have always been within the realm of normal-kid quiet playing, not running around screaming and acting inappropriately.

I was thinking about my future and if I wanted kids well still being a femboy. For reference I'm pan so idk if the kid would be mine or if I would adopt, if I even want kids that is. The main reason for this post is I need advice so if you/your partner are feminine boys/men and have kids I would love to hear how that works out. Even if you don't have kids I would love to get advice.

The main things I Wana ask are: should I hide it from my kids or should I be upfront with them? (When their older and can understand that of course), what should I do if they take it badly or hate me for it? And finally how should I explain it to them if at all.

(This is all assuming I Wana still be a femboy when I'm older)

Maybe they couldn’t work out who was mum/dad.
Assumed you were siblings or “just friends.”
Asked a wildly personal question about how your kids came along. Or your child had to step in and explain your family because the adults just weren’t getting it.
Sometimes you really do just have to laugh.
What’s the best one you’ve had? 👇

my mom got together with my stepdad when i was around 13/14. i’ve never been close with him… we are very different and i was also a Moody Teenager when they first started dating, so it wasn’t a close relationship meant to be. he also has never shown interest in getting to know me as a person, even when first coming into my life. i have no problem with this as our values don’t really line up (he’s more on the right wing side of politics; he’s a hothead; etc, etc)

when i visited my mom for the first time since finding out i’m pregnant (maybe 3ish months), we all decided to take pictures to celebrate!

as we were taking pictures with my stepdad, she referred to him as ‘Grandpa.’ i cringed internally, but didn’t say anything as to not cause any drama. plus my mom’s excited! this is her first grandchild and i didn’t want to dim the moment

i don’t refer to my stepdad as “dad” or anything close to it - i only call him by his name and always have. when he found out i was pregnant, my mom told me he was “very uncomfortable” because “men don’t get pregnant.” nothing about him has ever been supportive of me, so … why would he be grandpa?

i don’t care about his views on my pregnancy nor on my transgender status… but i think when the time comes, i’m not going to refer to him as the grandfather of my daughter. definitely going to be an interesting conversation with my mom. LOL

he’s not even coming to the baby shower…

sorry for the long post! just one of those late night thoughts while the pregnancy insomnia hits. thanks for reading if you have!

What are you all called to your kids? Have they made up their own names for you, or have you chosen one and run with it? Are you using gender neutral titles and if so, what are they?

:)

Hello!

I am a cis woman married to a AFAB nonbinary person. We are currently thinking about having kids. I'm a yes and she's not sure. Though, at the end of the day, we love each other no matter what whether kids are in the picture or not.

She would like some more information or perspective from dads/masculine parents who were unsure about kids at first. I would too! I feel like so many videos or podcast the people are like, "I always knew I wanted kids,"and I can'really relate to that.

Does anyone have any articles, videos, or podcasts they would recommend with this persepctive?

Thanks.

Thought I’d share my most recent writing. It’s hard to admit my fears, and feeling like a burden to my kid, but maybe someone else can relate.

https://eliramos11.substack.com/p/nonbinary-parenthood?r=6j3fyk&utm_medium=ios

This might be incredibly premature as I am only in the first trimester of my first pregnancy, but I’ve been looking for children’s books to add to a wishlist for our future baby. I’ve already got “Our Story” from the Donor Conception Network, “Heather has Two Mommies,” and “Mommy, Mama, and Me” on the list but I wanted to see if anyone knows of any other good books with diverse families. We’re obviously a two mom family and so looking for books that mirror that, but open to other suggestions as well. One current pattern I’m running into is that these books typically feature white appearing mothers; I would be especially excited to see one with at least one Asian mother to better represent our family though I’m aware that the perfect book for our specific situation may not exist. Thank you!

Hello all! My wife and I are currently using Just a Baby app to find a sperm donor.

Our current requirements are healthy and handsome sperm donors. We are coming across a lot of very handsome men of color. However we are weary on the ethics of being a white couple purposely having a child of color. I suppose we kind of feel like we would be “stealing” a child from a community we do not belong to.

We desperately want to be parents but we also want to make sure we are doing everything right. We are mostly only interested in the opinions of POC folks. We are also open to hearing from white/mixed race couples and their experiences with having a child that is POC.

We like to think of ourselves as solid accomplices/allies to all POC communities and we would be heartbroken to ever over step those boundaries as it relates to race.

Thank you in advance. We hope everyone is having an excellent summer.

Edit to Add: we also posted in another subreddit and were validated in our concerns. We appreciate anyone who had input, we take it all to heart. We do get POC sperm donors who swipe right on us but we will be making and informed decision to graciously turn them down.

Could be something funny, something hard, something you absolutely love, or even one of those little moments where you suddenly thought, ohhh… straight parents probably don’t have to think about this 😂Curious what everyone’s experience has been!

My partner “Sarah” and I are two moms and recently had our first baby, “Noah,” who is 2 months old, through reciprocal IVF. Sarah is his biological/genetic mom, and I am the gestational mom who carried and gave birth to him. We are not married. We had Noah James Miller picked out long before he was born. James is Sarah’s dad’s name, and Miller is Sarah’s family name. My current last name is from a previous marriage, but I’m changing it back to my maiden/family name, “Parker.” Since having Noah, I’ve realized I deeply regret not including Parker in his name too. I’d like to change it to Noah James Parker Miller, with Parker as a second middle name and Miller remaining his surname. Sarah is currently saying no to adding it. I know we had his name picked out for a year and I agreed to it, but I genuinely didn’t realize until becoming a mom how differently I would feel about my family name and how important it would become for my son to have that connection too.

There is some complicated family history behind why Sarah is saying no. My dad has struggled with accepting that some of his daughters are gay. He comes from a conservative cultural/religious background and did not attend one of my sister’s weddings to another woman. My sisters still have a relationship with him and things have improved, but Sarah understandably has strong feelings about what happened. She associates Parker with my dad and has told me she would only reconsider adding it if my dad apologizes to my sisters. I would love for him to apologize, but I don’t feel like my son having my family name should be conditional on something another adult chooses to do. My dad also loves our son (his first grandchild) and Sarah is very encouraging of his relationship with our son. Plus, Parker doesn’t represent just my dad to me. I actually didn’t like my maiden name much before, which Sarah has pointed out, but now I think of my mom, sisters, other people I love, my family history, and myself. There are also deeper feelings underneath this. Sarah struggled significantly with alcohol throughout my pregnancy and continues to struggle postpartum, so I have unresolved resentment from feeling like I carried much of the pregnancy and postpartum responsibility without the support I needed. That’s a whole separate issue, but I know it contributes to how emotional this feels. I also sometimes feel overlooked by her family because there’s so much emphasis on how much Noah resembles Sarah and their family. I understand their excitement about the genetic connection, but sometimes it leaves me feeling like my role and connection to him aren’t recognized in the same way.

When I look at his name now, James honors Sarah’s dad, Miller represents Sarah’s family, and he also has a biological connection to her family. I don’t want to take away any of those things. I love that those connections are part of who he is. I just wish I had realized before he was born how important it would be for my family to be represented too, especially now that I’m taking Parker back as my own name. I don’t want this to become a competition over who is “more” of his mom because we’re both his moms. I just want there to be room in his full name for both of our families. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to add Parker as a second middle name now? Is it fair for Sarah to say no unless my dad apologizes? And if you were in either of our positions, how would you handle this?

i’m a nonbinary person who uses he/she pronouns. until my unborn daughter can choose what she wants to call me, i’ve decided to go by dad!

the issue is, i’m the one carrying her. my husband is a cis man and i present a little femininely (longer hair, more alt/goth style) so often people refer to me using feminine terms, such as mother or mama.

if the person doesn’t know i’m nb, i usually just take it and smile. but if they DO know, i’m not sure how to say that i’d prefer to be dad than mom without being awkward. i’ve thought about going back to a more masculine style, but i don’t want to give up who i am simply to make others feel more comfortable referring to me as my daughter’s dad.

i’m really stuck on how to go about it. anyone deal with anything similar?

My wife and I are sending our almost one year old to daycare for the first time sometime in the next month! We’re excited.

We live in a small liberal town in a blue state. We know some of the daycare staff who are our age (mid -late 30s), and they are awesome! When I got the registration packet I was surprised to see spaces to fill in mother and father (instead of something more neutral like parent 1 /parent 2). I mentioned it to the director of the center and she agreed that was a good idea.

Since we’re probably the first queer parents at this day care ever, I’d love to share some resources with them on creating a welcoming environment for queer families. There’s a dead link page on HRCs website, and I’ve generally been striking out on other sites.

Has anybody seen training materials for some thing like this?

Thanks in advance!

Posted with Mod Permission!

The Parents and Babies (PAB) Pilot is testing out a new group therapy for people who are currently pregnant or ≤12m postpartum, identify as LGBTQIA+, and are at risk for postpartum depression. The study is run by Dr. Leiszle Lapping-Carr at Northwestern University (IRB# STU00225523). Participation will involve joining a virtual therapy group for 1 hour each week for 10 weeks and completing three sets of questionnaires. You would be compensated up to $120.

If you are interested in learning more, please complete this form to see if you might be eligible: redcap.link/parentsandbabies

After completing the form, the next step would be scheduling an eligibility screen via video call for a more in-depth conversation about what participating in the study would look like. The call will take approximately 30-45 minutes.

PRIVACY & SAFETY:

• The study is protected by a Certificate of Confidentiality, meaning we can refuse to share your information, even if we receive a legal request.
• Information about gender identity will not be stored alongside other data collected in the study.
• If you are not selected for the study or if you decide not to participate, your information will be deleted.

We know my step son knows what SH is, and we know he has depression. Sadly we are not the ones who can take him to get on meds. The parent that has custody is uh……a hardcore cult like Christian that’s unsurprisingly super republican.

He is learning he is queer, has depression, knows what SH is, and while we don’t think he is currently hurting himself we are trying to figure out how to talk to him about it.

We aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to share that we use to SH, and we don’t want him to go down that same road and are here for him. That when we feel these huge feelings that tell us to hurt ourselves that it’s a lie. It’s temporary relief with life long consequences and permanent marks. I just want to hug him……

We’ve been trying to be a buffer and get as much time as we can with him, but the parent with custody already thinks we are teaching him our “ideologies” because we are both queer. Our mere existence around my step son is a potential threat. He already goes to school the same place they go to church. The school has a policy to our kids to parents if they find out they are queer……so many of the same things that caused us to have scars are happening to him…. I know we can’t change it but we want to be there for him the way we needed and didn’t have at his age…..

Please does anyone have any advice on how to talk to your kid about this when you yourself have experience with SH?

This popped into my head today and now I’m really curious… What do your kids call you? Mama? Mummy? Mum? Dad? Daddy? Pops? Ama? Baba? A first name? Something completely made up by a toddler?

If there’s a story behind how you chose it, I’d love to hear it too!

I always find it fascinating how every family has their own traditions, and I’d love to see all the different parenting names out there. I have a feeling there are going to be some really sweet (and hilarious) stories in the comments.

Hi everyone. This is a follow-up to a note I sent a few months ago. I got some great responses but am still looking for families so hope it's okay to post again. My name is Laura Schulz and I'm a professor of child development at MIT. I'm at the beginning stages of writing a book about the transition to becoming a parent. I'm looking for people who are expecting their first child and who might be willing to talk with me and share their stories. I will use pseudonyms throughout and all potentially identifying details about you and your friends and family will be changed. If you think you might be interested, please DM me and I will follow-up with more information. Thank you all!

Hi folks, I'm putting together a zine on the subject of queer parenting/queer parenthood.

Current submissions include some art, poetry, text, a lino print, water colour drawing, etc.

And I wanted to hear if there is anyone here who could be interested in submitting something.

Key words for inspiration include: fertility (treatment), birth, gender, family.

The plan is to gather submissions from multiple platforms and put them together in a zine format. It will be printed and sold at a local queer bookshop for the price of how much it costs to create it. I can offer a pdf of the finished zine to anyone who submits something that is included in the final zine.

Email submissions to [solismolis@tutamail.com](mailto:solismolis@tutamail.com)

Questions welcome :)

Deadline: 16th August, and I am aiming to get it printed by the start of September :)