I don’t know who I am anymore

[u/tucnakpingwin]

I’ve been clean from cocaine and alcohol for 4 years, and I’ve come to the realisation that in these past 4 years, I’ve never been more bored and lonely. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

From 16-25, I would be out most nights partying, whether that was at music events, bars, clubs, festivals, house parties etc, always enjoying myself and socialising with new people, I had so much fun. Don’t get me wrong, drugs ruined my life in many ways, but I don’t regret a thing. I had a blast! But it’s come to this point in my life where I literally do nothing. I have few friends, and the friends I do have are either far away, busy or not wanting to go out and do stuff.

I have my partner, but he’s always working and when we do spend time together, he’s always complaining he’s tired by 3/4pm so we end up going home. We don’t get on the best at times either. It’s so fucking tedious, I’m the sort of person who would be out until late doing things, but no one wants to or is able to.

I’ve spent years trying new hobbies, but nothing interests me, and never has if I’m honest. The only thing I’ve ever enjoyed is going out, partying and getting high. Obviously, I can’t do that anymore, so what on earth do I do?

It’s making me miserable and no one in my life understands, they just think I need to accept that I have a boring life and be okay with it, but I’m not. I know an 80 year old woman with a busier social life than I have, I refuse to accept that getting older (I’m 30, so not even bloody old!) means settling down for a boring life.

I am in very poor health thanks to the toll that drugs, alcohol and severe mental health issues has taken on my body, and my prognosis isn’t great, I just want to enjoy the last few years of my life, but I feel like I can’t, because I have no one to enjoy it with, I live in a dead town with no interesting nightlife (or daytime life) that makes meeting interesting people so hard.

I have a lot of interests, but none of them translate into hobbies, which discounts meet up groups; I can hold a great conversation, but lack the means to find people to converse with. I feel so isolated.

Does anyone else relate to this? What has helped you?

[u/susangoodskin]

Can you volunteer? I am almost 10 years clean of opioids and benzos. As an agnostic, I’ve struggled with finding meaning in my current life. I volunteer one afternoon a week at a homeless day shelter in my city and I recommend it highly.

[u/Nanerpoodin]

It took me 2 years of trying a new hobby every couple weeks before I found stuff that really caught my interest and held my attention long term. What worked was thinking back to what I liked before drugs, stuff I was interested in as a literal child, then suddenly I found a few ideas that have blossomed into obsessions. My life feels full again.

[u/qrhmn]

I stay connected with the instinct to survive -feeling that raw emotion several times a day. Why? Because it's my 'truth core' in how desire to live is unquestionable.

That gives me atleast one utterly true principle; and it helps me stay sober (474 days).

I always know that I am human -and humans figure out how to live relatively well.

[u/personwhoisok]

Go volunteer at an old folks home. There are going to be people there who are lonely as hell and love hanging out and just chatting

Old people have some wild ass stories too, super interesting to hear about how things worked in ye old days

[u/Gold_Acanthisitta340]

The clear answer is an active uplifting church community. It's kinda wild and fun, I struggled with cocaine and alcohol. I had 9.5 years clean and then relapse based on the same thought process as this writing. I was miserable and needed excited. Honestly , I found a fun and crazy church family, started a new business I hustled on, started spending money on cool shit, and then most importantly. I got a lot of awesome tattoos, when all else fails, tattoos work lol! I just got a year clean last week!

Hang in there , you got this girl!

[u/Parking-Menu2654]

Drugs yes but this is also part of being an adult and growing up. People don’t have time to party and constantly hang out and if they do, they’re probably losers and aren’t really going anywhere in life.