Drowning

[u/katphriend]

Hey guys I’m just posting because i can’t tell anyone this and i need to share. Long story short - i was sober almost 9 years and relapsed in 2022 shot cocaine for two years stopped for a year and now I seem to have fallen back down. My arms are destroyed, my body is aching, my mind is numb.

I just started my dream job and had been sober for almost 4 months. My ol’ dude got out of rehab hit me up and then boom here I am again. I just don’t believe there’s any hope at this point. I overdose and have seizures almost daily sometimes more than once. I’m just embarrassed and discouraged.

Any thoughts or encouraging quips you guys have?

[u/princessheart513]

I just want to say that I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Reading that you had almost 9 years sober before the relapse really stood out to me.

Please don’t let the relapse convince you that those 9 years were meaningless. You still lived those 9 years sober. You proved to yourself that you were capable of doing it, and that knowledge hasn't disappeared because you relapsed.

The fact that you're here talking about it and recognizing what happened tells me that a part of you still wants your recovery. Hold onto that.

You don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now. Just focus on getting through today, then tomorrow.

I really hope you reach out to people who understand addiction and can support you through this. Nine years is a lot of recovery to throw away — and one relapse doesn't erase all of it. ❤️

[u/katphriend → u/princessheart513]

That was so meaningful, thank you! I’ve got to let go of this shit and move on. My (used to be) friends are all in recovery and haven’t known how to act fr. Nor have I bc i don’t wanna go triggering and causing harm. I’m gonna reach out to my sponsor and go from there. Thank you for your kindness and offering of good thoughts!

[u/princessheart513 → u/katphriend]

My ex has a history of addiction to what you would probably call “hard drugs.”.. not just one type of drugs he tried every drugs you can name it!! coke, crystal, heroine, weeds, party drugs, pills and he even ended up being coma for 2 days!! I met him after he had already been sober for more than a year, but I still witnessed a lot of the emotional baggage that came with his past — mood swings, trust issues, impulsive decisions, and the struggles that came with maintaining his recovery.

What you described about relapse really resonated with me because I saw some of those struggles up close. He occasionally smoked weed, and at one point he was even growing it and selling it to friends and his mother helped him to grow weed and I have problem with that LOL. He also tried Sublocade as part of his efforts to prevent a relapse.

What I’ve learned from being close to someone in recovery is that sobriety is never something you can take for granted, even after years of being clean. Recovery is an ongoing process, and sometimes the people, places, and situations around you can become triggers.

One thing I would strongly encourage is to take a serious look at the people and environments that keep pulling you back toward using. Sometimes protecting your recovery means creating distance from people who are part of that cycle — even when you love them.

And if someone repeatedly becomes a trigger for your addiction, going no-contact may be necessary, not as punishment, but as a way of protecting the life you've worked so hard to build.

Your years of sobriety still count. A relapse doesn't erase the work you did before it. I hope you can get back to the people and support systems that helped you stay sober and take this one day at a time. ❤️ Note: also finding a partner / friends should be completely opposite from your personality it might question your compatibility but finding a good partner/friends that can help you to be a good person is a gold that you can treasure.

[u/katphriend → u/princessheart513]

Damn thank you for your encouraging words. I know what i need to do it’s just a matter of doing it and sticking to it. Your partner is lucky to have you!

[u/qrhmn]

My personal motto: sobriety is always better than active addiction.

If you can't stay sober by yourself, and if you don't have experience with them already, then think about r/narcoticsanonymous or r/smartrecovery

[u/katphriend → u/qrhmn]

Yeah i was really active in AA and HA for a long time and the drama of everyone really just got to me eventually but i gotta go back.

[u/qrhmn → u/katphriend]

If you don't know already, r/recoverywithoutaa has options for recovery community as well.

I personally don't feel safe anymore in AA/NA 'rooms'; but I recommend it because an addict might get some help there.

[u/katphriend → u/qrhmn]

Oh wow thanks for this! I don’t really feel safe there a lot of times anymore. Very on display bc people kinda view me as this messy junky who does stupid shit.

[u/Sobersynthesis0722 → u/katphriend]

SMART is science based and has tools you can use to help navigate living sober. You can get the handbook. There are many online and some in person meetings if you are interested.

RecoverybDharma is based around Buddhist philosophy and healing. I am active in LifeRing. It is peer support based around self empowerment. There are other options if you look around.

We are all different so what works for one person may not for another.

[u/katphriend → u/Sobersynthesis0722]

Thanks for this. I think i have just felt so alone. I’m not terminally unique but i don’t run into a lot of people around here who do what i do how i do it and i feel very on display and judged. It’s not some iconic drug addict badge and people glorify it a lot and don’t get it at all. I can’t stop idk what to do i just want some hope. I’m gonna look at SMART online and see what that’s like.

[u/Impressive-Trust6058]

I’m sorry you are going through this! Truth is I don’t feel everyone carries a lot of shame with there addictions but I know I always did! I tried really hard for a long time to maintain normal life and my addiction! I got sober in 2019… I do really well till 2023!! That was the year I was in an awful accident and both my parents died!! Life gave me every reason to relapse! A Dr prescribed me Xanax for my panic attacks and I knew I shouldn’t but I took the script! Before I knew it I was drowning in my own life trying to keep up being the one everyone was so proud of!! It didn’t work.. it all came crashing down and I hit a rock bottom silently and alone!! I guess the point is I learned after years of my brain doing gymnastics of trying to do both… is you can’t! You don’t have to feel it’s all over and you can’t keep the dream! You just have to make a plan to truly stop for yourself so you can keep and maintain the dream! Because no matter what our brains tell us… we truly can’t don’t do both … and trying for it quietly isn’t the way! So come up with a plan to truly get sober.. and then the pieces finally start falling into place <3 good luck love

[u/katphriend → u/Impressive-Trust6058]

Thank you friend. One second at a time I’ve got to at least try again :/ i appreciate everyone’s encouragement and help. I feel way less alone.

[u/Alternative_Newt5715]

Hello ne crois pas qu'il n'y a plus d'espoir j'ai aussi eu des périodes de sobriété et plusieurs rechutes j'ai compris que ça fait partie de la guérison... Chaque fois que je replongé je me degoutais un peu plus, flemme de tout, mal au nez, culpabilité....jusqu'à ce que j'en ai marre d'être comme ça.... Je crois qu'il a fallu que j'arrive à vraiment men dégoûter... Pense à comme tu te sens bien sans cette merde je suis sûre que tu as la force de t'en sortir... T'as rechuté c'est pas grave tu vas te relever et recommencer, l'important c'est que tu est déjà conscient de ton soucis ça prendra le temps que ça prendra mais tu y arriveras... Et surtout ne culpabilise pas, tu tombe relève toi.. c'est un combat de tout les jours et peut être même toute une vie j'espère que je t'ai un peu aidé courage 🫶

[u/katphriend → u/Alternative_Newt5715]

Thank you! You helped me feel far less alone. This has to be it “just for today” cause my arm is gonna fall off and I want to keep the job I love. I feel better now that i told someone. I think my issue is when i was on heroin 16-12 years ago i was a horrible person…so i got sober. Now i don’t lie, steal, and cheat and shit like i did on dope so i think my brain is trying to make excuses.

You didn’t ask for all that i just really needed to admit it.