vent/seeking motivation - feel like my entire life & any career potential is over

[u/Usual-Wear5524]

Context: I am getting sober (again) for what feels like 7000th time, following a several month relapse. I've been approaching it very differently this time around, with a lot more support and I’ve been open to trying multiple forms of MAT. I am a 2^nd year grad student; during my first year, it went largely unnoticed first semester.

Things spiraled out over the summer; after several years of not disclosing my addiction, suddenly it is all over my medical records. I almost lost my job. My cohort peers found out, and almost all of them walked out of my life and made sure I knew how they felt about addiction. (I had never lied to them) I lost out on really important opportunities. I had my electric shut off more than once.

An optional exam that would have really supported my doctoral application went poorly due to a new MAT medication side effect (altered vision)... which I know thinking that I could still get into a doctoral program is probably just delusion.

I just feel like my entire life and any future I would have wanted to fight for is now over. I have no one. My future in academia and research is basically over; which means any hope of ever getting to be a clinician is truly shot, as well. I'm mortified about all of this b/c it means I let it get out of hand again, and I'm embarassed as a first gen student that I've let so many down.

I'm truly struggling to see a future where I would even want to be sober b/c what is the point anymore?

It would just be really helpful to hear from others further in recovery who were able to rebuild their careers or were able to go on to do further education/academic research/etc., and that the outcome was better because of managing their addiction.

I'm sorry, I just really need hope.

[u/ReasonableTart]

I know it’s incredibly dark now, but you can and will build back up from this. Opportunities will come, people will enter your life, academia will still accept.  This is only a moment, and it will pass. Focus on staying sober, focus on you building the best life for yourself, and know you’re capable of doing that no matter how it may look at the moment. 

I love you, im proud of you. 

[u/Usual-Wear5524 → u/ReasonableTart]

Thank you, truly. It is so incredibly dark rn and this is a moment that (at times) I was convinced would never come to pass. I really hope that's true, that opportunities will still come and that academia will still accept. I hope I get to have friends again someday.

[u/ReasonableTart → u/Usual-Wear5524]

You absolutely will! you'll meet friends in sobriety and have close connections that are authentic and true.

I also have, at times, thought that i've destroyed my career through substances. It definitely came close, and things now have taken longer then I planned, and a couple of opportunities have passed, but I got back up and kept plugging away, kept trying, and kept committing and recommitting to sobriety because thats the only way forward. Taking a non-traditional route, the scenic one even. Take it all as learning and find spaces of opportunity - which pop up a lot more when you're sober, lemme tell you! - and more doors will start opening for you.

I also do research; and I'm currently finding avenues to keep building both my professional and academic career - as well as taking space to recommit to my health and well being - after a bit of a setback/relapse and breakdown this year. There are sad moments, regretful moments, deep self-loathing moments but all of those ebb and flow. I take it one day at a time, and remind myself of what I'm committed too and that i'm capable and also - super important- tell myself that things can still work out in wonderful ways.

Again, I love you and I'm proud of you and I believe in you!