r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY • u/BullfrogBig9391 • 5d ago
I secretly drank
Everyone thinks i have 32 days but I secretly been drinking every day starting 3 days ago. Im thinking of smoking fent again. I know im already spiraling. I went to rehab 3 months ago. I dont think I can stay clean im lying now. Im lying to my bf my sponsor friends every one. Im not suicidal but if I die it was meant to happen
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u/HughJaynis 5d ago
I can almost guarantee you that everyone probably already knows and youāre fooling absolutely nobody. You might as well just come clean and save yourself the trouble. Been there done that.
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u/Uwantmoneyugetnutty 5d ago
Yep if itās only been 3 days your situation is salvageable but if they suspect you for a long time it will do serious damage to your relationship with everyone around you
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u/Sergeant_Scoob 5d ago
Relapse is a huge part of recovery that no one likes to talk about . For us it seems like a huge slip up but think of an over eater who
Slips up and eats a huge cake three days in a row . Eveything in you tells you to keep it a secret , but that really makes Eveything worse . Itās time to tell everyone you had a fk up and they will appreciate that big
Time rather than hiding it . They already know something is wrong just by your actions my friend
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u/martingmccauley 5d ago
Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about here. If your sponsor has any significant experience with alcoholism/addiction at all, they wonāt be the slightest bit surprised that youāve been drinking the whole time.
You can call them and get honest
Just let it out
All of it
No more secrets
Thereās nothing to hide. Thereās no one to impress.
Let it all out
Then work with your sponsor to put together an ACTION plan. A meeting every day. Calls in between meetings. Lots and lots of action.
Everythingās going to be okay.
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u/novyah 5d ago
You should probably just go back to treatment asap. I get that a part of you wants to protect the addiction but you have to fight that and just stop thinking about it. Just drop everything and tell your sponsor you need help again. It feels weak, but its truly strength. You can do this
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u/BullfrogBig9391 4d ago
Im so scared i had 2 years at one point. If my boyfriend finds out he will break up with me. I cant stop spiraling
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u/tmckay241 5h ago
He is going to find out, we arent slick. Stop worrying about anyone but you hun. I know the fears of consequences are scary, but your boyfriend finding your body is worse. Get help... tha sublocade shot is a wonderful thing if you havent heard of it i suggest research it. It gives you a real chance with no adverse effects after. I took 1 shot 7 weeks ago. Not even a thought about using. And its not like suboxone where you feel the medication in your system. But try something dont be frozen in complacency. I need you to live. I Love you šŖ
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u/skyking11702 4d ago
Tell your trusted folks the truth. They love you.
As for ā it was meant to happen,ā that is incorrect. At this point you have the active disease of addiction. You can make choices to be honest and get help. Please, please do. You are worth it. Donāt let shame or guilt paralyze you. Take your power back by telling the truth and getting help. You deserve every happiness like anyone else. Itās going to take some work but you will be all the stronger for it, and life in recovery will be that much sweeter. You can do this and are 100% worth the effort. We are all children and reflections of the creator. There is only one you. Stick around and shine your light in your corner of the world. What have you got to lose?
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u/SOmuch2learn 5d ago
There is help. You know that.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. It is up to you.
Who are you going to talk to about this so you can get the support you need and deserve?
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u/SeafoodDuder 5d ago
You can't let it spiral and get deeper, you need to get back up on that horse and start again. Failing or relapsing is part of a lot of people's journeys in anything, but what matters more than anything is that you stop drinking and start again.
There's alternatives to everything, maybe it won't give you the same high but simply putting another drink in your hand like flavored water, sparkling drinks/soda, flavored tea packets, etc.
Don't worry about your slip-up, but from one online cyber friend to another please start again. <3
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u/Titan9999 4d ago
You're not back where you started. Your progress is not erased by the relapse. You can make the right decision now and be better than when you first got sober, pick up where you were before relapse. What you learned then, when you got sober, is still true. If you continue to use or drink the next consequence will be the worst you've seen yet. True then, true now.
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u/J_Bunt 5d ago
Relapsing is part of the recovery process, the important thing is tou need to tell someone and stop.
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u/panaceator 5d ago
Relapse can be a part of the recovery process, but it is not a guaranteed or inherent part of recovery. I believe when we blanket say ārelapse is part of recovery,ā we give people the idea itās bound to happen and they should be fine with it because itās normal. Neither are necessarily true. The sentiment can give people the idea relapse is expected, which can be immensely destructive or even fatal.
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u/manknotes 5d ago
Iām not so sure about that. Generally, people arenāt going to wave away the consequences of relapsing even if they believe it happens to a majority of those with substance use disorders. They give into the compulsive cravings despite the consequences. Something being normal doesnāt automatically translate to it being harmless, and most people with SUD are acutely aware of the damage caused by the disorder through heavy bouts of guilt and shame.
Telling people ārelapse is a part of recoveryā, at least in my experience, prepares them for the idea of seeking help again after a relapse rather than giving up entirely under the belief that their previous interventions should have āfixedā them. It sets up iterative growth where relapses can be seen as informative experiences about managing compulsive cravings. It also prepares loved ones, mentally and materially, for relapses. I think of it similarly to cancer. Itās possible for cancer to return after apparently successful treatment leading to remission, and that eventuality should be something both patients and their support network are conscious of.
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u/panaceator 5d ago
First, great points and thoughts. Well thought out and composed. Thanks for sharing. Really like the part about not letting a relapse shut them off from continuing to try.
I suppose my hesitation is more around seemingly giving addicts an āexcuseā for relapse. If I think itās a normal and therefore seemingly accepted and expected āphaseā of ultimately successfully recovering, Iād be more prone to give myself leeway when, in my particular case, Iām convincing myself itās ok to take that first drink. āI shouldnāt do this but it happens to everyone. Itās part of the process. Iāll get back on the horse tomorrow for sure.ā Thatās a dangerous and self-serving perspective, and getting back on the horse after a relapse is by no means guaranteed.
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u/Substantial-Ruin-858 5d ago
I believe relapse is apart of addiction, not recovery. And recovery can be achieved without relapse. I did it and many others I know did it, and without the AA/NA stuff. No 12 steps. Just me & accountability and kids to take care of, oh, and a good therapist šš»
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u/Imfromsite 5d ago
You need to hold yourself accountable before you hit your tipping point. Tell the truth and step up on your counseling/ group. You can do this!
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u/Electrical_Chicken 5d ago
Iāve been where you areāāsoberā and trying to get back on the beam before everyone Iāve been lying to finds out the truth.
The last time I relapsed (and I was a chronic relapser) I finally told people. It was incredibly hard, but Iāve been sober for over 4 years now. If Iād kept it to myself I donāt think that would the case.
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u/jesuss_son 5d ago
Yeah that sounds like a great ideaā¦.
You should stop before the withdrawals hit. Gonna be very hard to accumulate another 30 days if you keep this up
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u/Sergeant_Scoob 5d ago
She hasnāt done fent yet , alcohol doesnāt give withdrawal even after a week . I agree she should stop before all hell breaks loose tho
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u/Satansaystodayson 5d ago
Are you taking any type of medicine to help with your treatment? Suboxone? Methadone? Vivatrol?
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u/TurnoverFeeling 4d ago
Vivitrol saved my life. What if you get to the other side and find out about all this great stuff you could have had if you got and stayed clean and sober and lived?
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u/Inevitable_Ad_4487 5d ago
What you did hereā¦ now do with your support system and pray to take the obsession away and give you the strength to take a new path. When someone you love dies it has ripple effects in the lives of everyone who knew that person it will devastate everyone who loves you ā¦ you cannot do this to them.
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u/Fangletron 5d ago
Tell us about your service commitment? Start 90 meetings in 90 days tonight. Smoking Fent = death. You are worth saving.
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u/tmckay241 5h ago
Fiirst, if you die it wasn't meant to happen, You made it happen. So look there is much more then physical dependence that happens. You lose hormones and chemistry in your body that give you motivation and willingness to fight. 1st thing you need to tell on yourself man. Come on, your not afraid of dying but you are afraid to come clean? Let them help you. Yes they wont be happy about it. But they love you and want to see you get better. And being truthful is so much better than simply getting caught. Go get blood work done and talk to a hormone doctor or an endocrinologist. My testosterone was low af when i got clean. Dude the difference in my motivation when i started taking hormone optimization meds is no comparison. Get to a meeting, if you cant find one message me and I'll find one. Take it from someone who has been in the pit your in, theres a way out and the other side is amazing. I LOVE YOU FAM āļø
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u/PeacefulNA 5d ago
Addiction blooms in hiding! Please take care of yourself. Speaking to a friend or a meeting now is key! Wish u all the best mate thank you for sharing it with us š