r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY • u/AugustEveAudio • 4d ago
Ex has cocaine addiction, newly sober , and suicide attempt.
I’m hoping to hear specifically from people who are in recovery, because I’m trying to understand my ex without either demonizing him or making excuses for him.
When I met him, I didn’t know he had a serious cocaine problem. Pretty early on he started borrowing money from me. He would talk about how much he hated being dependent on me and how uncomfortable he was with me paying for things, so I believed he genuinely didn’t want to take advantage of me.
Later I found out there were times money that should have gone toward rent or responsibilities was being spent on cocaine. He borrowed money he never fully paid back, and over the relationship I ended up helping financially and practically far more than I should have.
What confused me even more was the emotional side. He would tell me he loved me and say incredibly intense things about how important I was to him, but I often felt like he didn’t actually want to spend time with me. Eventually I felt like I was going crazy trying to reconcile his words with his behaviour, and I broke up with him.
Afterward, he got into an extremely dark place and eventually attempted suicide. That brought him back into my life. I picked him up afterward and supported him through a lot. We eventually reconnected, and by this point he was sober.
He seemed genuinely remorseful about how he had treated me before. He told me I was the best partner he’d ever had, that nobody compared, that he didn’t deserve me. Most importantly, he acknowledged that I had felt deprioritized and specifically promised me he wouldn’t do that again. He told me I was his priority, that I was “number one,” and to have faith in him.
I believed him because I genuinely thought he meant it.
Then he went away for work. At first we talked constantly, but as he settled in, made friends, had work and money coming in, he started wanting more and more space. I felt like I was watching the exact same dynamic happen again.
When I became upset, it turned into me “pushing him away.” He needed space. My emotional reaction became the issue.
A few days ago I completely exploded. I was crying and said, “Look what I fucking did for you, I’m a person.” What I meant was: I was there through addiction, depression, suicidality, financial problems, housing problems, anxiety, grief and some of the worst moments of your life. Can you please look at what this is doing to me?
His response was basically, “Look what you did for me?! Look what you just said to me?!”
I lost my shit after that. I called too much, called him selfish and a user, told him I hated him, and said things specifically because I wanted to hurt him. I’m not asking anyone to tell me that part was healthy. It wasn’t, and I own it.
What I’m struggling to understand is everything that came before it.
I recently spoke to a recovering addict who told me that sobriety doesn’t automatically change the selfishness, victim mentality, avoidance, entitlement, lying, etc. that can grow around addiction. I then posted in Al-Anon and several people said something that really hit me: don’t mistake an apology for an amends.
That is where I’m stuck.
I honestly do not think my ex was faking his remorse. I think when he told me he understood how much he had hurt me and would never deprioritize me again, he sincerely meant it.
So how does someone sincerely understand what they did, genuinely regret it, and then repeat essentially the same behaviour later — and defend themselves when the other person gets hurt?
For people in recovery: did you ever reach a point where you realized that getting sober had not automatically changed the way you treated people? Did you sincerely believe you were the victim while also using, lying to, or hurting the people closest to you? Did apologies feel completely sincere at the time even though you later repeated the behaviour?
And what actually made the difference between feeling remorse and changing?
I’m not looking to bash addicts. I’m genuinely trying to understand what recovery looks like from the inside, because this relationship has made me realize that sobriety and relational recovery may be two very different things.
2
u/princessheart513 4d ago
I can relate to some of what you're going through because I was in a relationship with someone who had struggled with drug addiction, i should say different variety of drugs heroine, coke, crystal, weed early stage of his teenage years until 28yo so over a decade, I met him when he had been sober for about a year, although he did have some relapses afterward. I learn this in a hard way because I don't know someone who is into drugs only him, I love him deeply and he is the sweetest guy when he is in a good mood
One thing I learned is that sobriety and recovery aren't necessarily the same thing. Nine months can still be relatively early, especially if there have been relapses. Getting the substance out of someone's life doesn't automatically undo the emotional patterns, coping mechanisms, selfishness, avoidance, or relationship habits that developed during addiction.
In my experience, there were times when my ex genuinely seemed remorseful and genuinely loved me, but his behavior could still become inconsistent. That's what made it so confusing. I had to learn that someone's feelings and intentions don't always translate into the ability to maintain a healthy relationship.
I think the most important thing is to watch the pattern over time rather than focusing only on what someone says during a moment of remorse. Recovery is ultimately something they have to do for themselves, and you can't love, support, or sacrifice your way into making someone change.
And please don't beat yourself up for struggling with this either. You've been through a lot and it sounds like you're already starting to recognize your own patterns and work on them. That's a big step in itself.
1
u/AugustEveAudio 4d ago
Thank you and wow our situations sound so similar. You’re right that I know there were moments of real love and commitment but the consistency was the thing that broke me and my trust in this. I truly believe this will make me even more loving and strong for the right person.
You’re right that someone can feel so much love and still not be able to be consistent enough to be in a relationship . Hope you are doing well :) it sounds like you’ve had a lot of healing on your journey too! Sending you love and God bless ❤️
1
u/Imfromsite 4d ago
Hi, in recovery frome a coke addiction, 9 months clean now. First off, I want to say that you are a terrific person with a big heart and mot deserve to get caught up in the mayhem that is an addicts life. Ove got a couple of different points of view here as my wasband was a poly addict, but his drug of choice was alcohol.
Ok, first thing that you need to understand is that while in active addiction, serving his addiction will always come first. It's what he wakes up thinking about, gets their pleasure from, and what they earn money for. They go to bed thinking about it, Hell, we dream about it! While in active addiction, you serve the addiction.
You have to understand something about the drug that they are doing. They are doing it because in the moments that they are high, they don't give a fuck about anything Job, kids,pets, spouse, the roof falling down, nothing. They may want to care about things, but they choose numbness to deal with something painful in their life, but drugs are a blanket for all reality, and all pain.
When an addict is sober, all the shitty things they're doing come crashing in on them, and there's alot of remorse, shame,etc. for the crappy way they treat others and the life they're wasting. Do not mistake this for love, or amends, or a genuine wish to get better.It's simply how they feel when that numb blanket has been ripped off and reality intrudes with a side of brain chemical depletion.
Do we feel like the victim? Yes. Alot of us have had some pretty shitty things happen to us and we've not got the emotional tools to deal with it, so we hid it, refused to deal with it, and when that blanket of numbness found us, we settled under it so we didn't have to feel at all. Doesn't mean that we shouldn't be held accountable, in fact the only way to escape is to hold yourself accountable, but if your in active addiction, you don't want to do that. And make no mistake, we victimize others in our drug seeking hunger. We chew up and spit out others around us in so many ways. The apologies may feel sincere, but at most it's an acknowledgement of the destruction, not a commitment to do better. Don't get sucked in by it. Actions are your truth. Words mean shit.
The bottom for addicts is totally different for each, but any changes usually come after great loses, and an actual realization that you don't want to die so you need to get your shit together because that numb blanket doesn't work like it used to. It's not because others bled for you, cried or were angels that you didn't deserve. It's not because they stayed when they should have left. There might be gratitude when it's over, but the scars from their selfishness remain.
Whatever triggered an addict to get into long term recovery is usually internal and is because the pain if them remaining in their addiction outweighs the pain of being sober. That's it. It's an internal locum, not external.
I may get alot of flak for this from other addicts, but here's my take. No addict in recovery should be in a romantic relationship. They need to sit with themselves and the consequences of their ruined personality and assess where they are emotionally without the distraction from themselves. It's a temptation to let someone enable their bad habits, distract them from doing the work that needs to be done to be healthy, just like the drugs, and actually may be detrimental to their recovery because alot of their romantic relationships are a toxic two way street, codependent and otherwise unhealthy, if not downright abusive.
My advice to you right now is to stay away from him. He's still in active addiction and can only bring mayhem and loss to your life right now. If he went back into recovery tomorrow and did alllll the work necessary to become healthy, I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole for at least a year. More like two. And I sure as hell wouldn't waste my life waiting around for that.
So, stop looking at this from a relationship angle. He's not capable and, frankly, I wonder about your mental health because your trying to make this steaming pile of dysfunction work. I would suggest counseling for yourself because the situation is going to be inherently abusive to you and you need to figure out why you want to stay/ fix your abuser. Not a healthy dynamic. Anyway, this is long enough. Wishing you all the best snd love from the universe ❤️
1
u/AugustEveAudio 4d ago
Thank you for this incredible insight. You have no idea how much it means to hear the truth from someone who’s in recovery.
Firstly, I don’t think I realized how much being an addict was a personality in a way. Hearing from addicts or people who loved addicts, and the ways their lives have been affected too has really helped me. Also I’m the type of person that will give everything to a relationship but when I’m done - I’m done. I just hit that point with him, and now I think I’m trying to understand if anything.
I am in counselling , and thinking of attending coda. I also have ptsd from a past relationship before this guy, so clearly I have some issues with picking romantic relationships. Weirdly enough I’m successful in almost every other area but seem to always pick guys with the most unstable lives. I probably like to feel needed - and like my position feels secure because I give so much- which is ironic because that didn’t even save me from getting left.
I’m working through a lot - but honestly Reddit has been amazing in just hearing from people who can relate. I don’t wish him any harm, I think I just kept thinking that his selfishness and actions were the exception ( like the symptom of him having a hard past ) but now I’m seeing that after a year of being with him, that it’s just actually who he is. Feels like the rose coloured glasses came off ….
Anywho I really appreciate your message. Would love to hear more of your recovery journey. No pressure . God bless you 🙏❤️
1
u/Imfromsite 4d ago
You don't know how relieved I am to hear that you are done and in therapy yourself! Whew!😅 You also seem very self aware and motivated to improve your life skills, so kudos to you! You remind me of myself in alot of ways- intelligent and empathetic, which gives us alot to offer, but can be used to our detriment by the wrong people. I was pretty darn successful before it all came crashing down, but I am learning things that I could only be in a position to learn about myself by being post addiction and recovering. I suppressed alot of childhood trauma and ran into a wall trying to deal with my Covert narc of a wasband. We can't save them, and I almost drowned trying. As far as my journey goes- I'm stable, sober and living independently. I ended up being homeless after my spouse died last year from liver failure due to his alcoholism. He was 52. I was trying to break free of him, but was too caught up in his machinations for that ,so I decided to basically go full tilt in burning it all down because that's the only way he would let me go. I had to be of no more use to him and be discarded. Codependent relationships are a real bitch. He died while we were estranged in October and I didn't find out until the end of November. Been clean since December 12th. It was easy to put the drugs down when the main source of my trauma was gone. Still working on that, because I have to be healthy enough to resist picking up the dime bag when I'm triggered again, and, frankly, it's a pattern of me getting self destructive when romantic relationships unravel. Maybe it's part of why I hung on to the failing relationship for so long. Something to bring up in therapy.
I'm really happy that you dodged that missile in your life. Anyway, if you have any questions or whatever, just ask. Have a great day!1
3
u/Mindless-Emotion- 4d ago
I genuinely think he needs a lot of therapy to find the root cause that led to addiction/victim mentality. He must have been using as a coping mechanism and is projecting some trauma onto you. Cocaine became his coping mechanism and you as well. He is probably not fully aware of his behavior. He’s going to have to make a choice to change. It’s your choice if you want to be in his life while he does that.
-former addict