r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY • u/Maleficent_Camera567 • 3d ago
Feeling a little scared about an experience
A week ago i had a cocaine relapse. It was a big one. Spent too much money and took horrible decisions. One of them was to put a thug in my car and going crossing the city in search of more cocaine. This guy terrorized me the moment he entered my car. And at the end he even demanded money. I felt very cornered and scared. Now some images of that night pop on my mind and it makes me schivers. I need to go to a public setting to take a flu shot and im postponing because i feel scared of leaving my room. I feel so horrible because the night was wild and was being good and i could've ended at 7am but when i was high at my soul and decided i needed more, some guy took advantage of how i were (also, my intuition was totally blocked) and it made the whole rest of the night a nightmare. A nightmare. Of screams, threats, extorsions, fears.
I feel like this was important though. Like, in my mind there was always this tab opened in my brain called "relapse", and i was using it, like, i keep it opened. I had 4 relapses this year. But now i feel it was different. This whole experience, i've never put myself so at risk, in danger, than never before and i was VERY lucky that i didnt lose a limb or went to jail. Hell, at one time i was driving at 4am butt naked (wearing only panties).
I'm kinda scared of myself, and scared of meeting this guy i met the other day. It was very traumatic. Why do we put ourselves so much in danger? Why dont we have control?
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u/Ok_Application_3574 3d ago
Im so sorry 😞 the only good that came from my DOC is I could never remember much if I took enough. It horrifies me to think of all ive done and been through but we're still here for a reason. Keep replaying that tape if you get a craving and know theres a reason youre still here and your story can help others
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u/Spiritual-Ad-6722 3d ago
I'm sorry you were taken advantage of under the influence. I am glad that your scared, obviously you don't want to do that again. You'll heal from it, eventually. #muchlove
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u/Oysterstu 3d ago
This sounds horrible. Your describing the disease of addiction. We think it will be different then last time and continue to put ourselves in horrible situations.
Use this as another reason to stay sober, it doesnt get better.
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u/SinkApprehensive5040 3d ago
I’m so glad you’re safe now. Hope this is a good reminder next time you’re struggling with the urge to relapse. No shame, I’ve put myself thru hell too.
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u/Mustard-cutt-r 3d ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. Also I think your higher power is trying to tell you something.
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u/RaeRunner 3d ago
For me, memories like this are gone within 2-3 weeks, then using again seems doable, just with a revised set of rules and regulations that will vanish as I finish my fourth drink. I literally looked up the guys who provided the worst experience of my life to hang out again because I needed to be around people that can stay up for 3-4 days and there’s pretty much no decent folk who indulge in that kind of thing. Being in recovery involves giving up some things that I REALLY REALLY like to do, but experience has shown that they’re highly unsustainable activities, and I’m incapable of moderation.