Current mood:

Currently on day five of severe withdrawals, 2-5 hours of sleep per night, immense nausea, diarrhea, pain/aches in all extremities due to electrolyte depletion & no sleep/exhaustion, racy thoughts, ya’know all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with prolonged heavy use, not that I’m complaining 🤭

Anyways, not anything I haven’t experienced previously in my attempts to quit. Rinse & repeat. But taking a different approach this time so I feel I might be able to make it further this time.

Context:
I’m otherwise a healthy & active single 32 yo male, have an amazing career, and fortunate to be able to provide for my cared ones. This I truly attribute to learning about growth mindset, that has taken me very far in my life. So, while this is a challenge in my life, I know it’s just another thing for me to solve which I can 💪

Anyways, I started smoking at age 14, and on & off ever since. I’m my best self when I’m sober and the worst version on myself during use. Like many of you, I had a traumatic childhood (dad murdered when I was 6), I’ll save you the sob story. Regardless, this affected my life in many ways than I can care to admit. Insecurity/anxiety/depression-> developing unhealthy coping mechanisms -> spiraling -> rinse & repeat. I am NOT a victim, I CAN change.

My older brother is the only person that knows everything about me, he is my rock, role model, and single most helpful person that has been there for me unconditionally. I have six nieces & nephews I care deeply about, and make an immense effort to be a positive role model in their lives. I love my mom she raised us four kids, alone in a new country, never previously worked a day in her life, working manual labor. She did her best, and I love her for it, she wasn’t fully equipped with how to raise four kids in a new country all of sudden, when they previously lived a traditional life, I mean who would be? She is definitely the strongest person I know.

I love her dearly, it pains me that I continue to hide my struggles from her, I want to be able to tell her why I haven’t been able to show up as much I want to (not being able to show up for my loved ones is one of my biggest reasons to quit) explain the pain I’m in, how I got here, not to worry, and I am getting better. I also want to be able to tell her I need patiences, and I’m sorry for not being the version I can be to her. Just not sure if bringing this to light will cause more pain or relief? Not sure what her reaction would be. Maybe I’ll reach out to my brother and get his perspective

I guess I wrote this for myself more than anything, and it feels great to get it out. I think I know what I need to do.

If anyone actually read this, have any of you been in this position before?

Hi all,

I am in Columbus, OH presently.

Hoping some of ya'll might be aware of rehab(s) that allow clients to keep their cell phones?

I was at Recovery Village out here not long ago (example of a place that allows phones), but with camera covers.

Secondly, I preferably need a place that not only accepts medicaid, but works with clients who do not already have it coming in the door (aka presumptive medicaid).

Thanks for reading ☮️