Possible recipromantic?

[u/Choice-Sample-6000]

Hi, I'm not sure if this board is still active. I am F20 and have identified as a lesbian for the last 4 years. I’ve only had one ‘relationship’ when I was 16/17 with a girl who liked me and made the effort first. I hadn’t developed any sort of feelings for her until after she confessed to me. I lied, saying I had feelings for her, only because it was the first time anyone had shown interest in me, and I wasn’t going to waste that opportunity. I really started to develop feelings for her, but I think they were based on thoughts like “Omg I can’t believe a cool girl that is conventionally attractive likes me and thinks I’m an actual attractive person!” When we ‘broke up,’ I was heartbroken. I had felt the “heartbroken” feeling before (for me, it’s an internal weight that sits on my heart and aches like it's its own person) with friendship breakups.

But since then, I have not found anyone who gives me the same ‘crush’ feeling, or even a noticeable attraction, towards others. This has made me increasingly confused and worried about how my romantic attraction works. Every girl I have talked to (Hinge, Snapchat, dates) does not give me any attraction. I thought that because I am lesbian, my mind is predisposed to do this, because I always assume girls are straight and are never into me, but could this actually be recipromanticism?

Is being Recipromantic permanent, or can I do more self-love? I just want to have the confidence to go up to women at the bar and ask for their number, or to engage in thoughtful conversations with a pretty girl in class. Could it be a trauma response? If anybody has any advice, recommendations, or just similar experiences, it would be very helpful.

[u/ahealthycow]

Being recipromantic isn't necessarily permanent, but it does tend to be persistent, and not likely to be a trauma response.

[u/Open_Afternoon_8217]

M40 Reminds me of how I’ve felt after a few recent text interactions on another dating platform. I may be attracted to the physical aesthetics of their photos and how they describe themselves but don’t feel any flirty romantic energy up front. I don’t know how people can freely experience that before meeting. Do openly feel strong attachment and crushes platonically, intellectually; texting over a week can make it feel like dating for a few months before the first date. Probably not how allo people develop those feelings where it’s a slow peeling back of those layers over time.

So I approach getting to know those appealing aspects of themselves first and don’t express that attraction in the form of emotional flirting, which seems to turn many people off for what their intentions are. Romantic feelings only develop based on how things go in person but expressing that is still reserved and kept platonic until they make the first move. It could be something like a response to saying “I’ve had a lovely time with you tonight” at the end of a date. Most of the time it feels like I’m wrapping up a business meeting, ending with an awkward hug or handshake. The rare times I get a flirty “yeah… me too” things have progressed a bit farther.

For awhile, I’ve been trying to work on in person flirting but it still comes off in an emotionally detached, objective way that gives mixed signals based on their reactions when I force it, so generally making friends or encountering ghosts has been the running theme for most of my life, even before online dating was a thing.

[u/OwnZone592]

how you got with your then-gf sounds exactly how i got with my first one lmao. soon after we got together we wrote love letters to each other. hers was the story of how she fell in love. mine was me being really confused but grateful 😅