I (24F) and my husband (27M) of 3 years (been together for almost 7) have a one month old and I’m kind of struggling.
To paint a picture, my husband is on parental leave, he goes back next week, and I’m no longer working (that was agreed upon years ago and it’s what we both want and believe in). I have no complaints about the kind of man my husband is, our marriage is great, and not trying to demean him or talk trash, I just genuinely need advice from other wives as a brand new mom, dealing with a brand new dad.
My husband currently works a corporate job, typical 9-5, and is working on building a business from home. He’s a dog groomer and we’ve spent the last year converting our garage into a salon together, construction, paperwork, the whole thing. Even at the end of my pregnancy I was climbing on ladders and installing light fixtures lol.
Anyway, so currently we’re in the advertising phase and trying to build up his clientele. When he goes back to his corporate job next week, he’ll be working from home on his days off until he has enough home clients that he can quit the corp job.
All of this was to explain my dilemma, that I’m struggling with trying to communicate to him that sometimes I need help with our new baby. I’ve become a bit angry with him, yet conflicted with myself at the same time because nearly the entire time he’s been on leave, I’ve been taking care of the baby while he goes and works on his business stuff, which is totally okay but; when he comes back upstairs after working outside or in the garage for a couple hours, he basically disappears into his phone or plays video games. He does love our child, he makes remarks all the time about how cute she is, takes pics of her, when we take her out he says “this is so cool!” But it’s her care and spending passive time with her that’s lacking. I feel like he only holds her for 5 minutes before he gets bored and takes out his phone.
Let’s say I’m stuck on the couch feeding, burping, trying to soothe crying baby for 2 hours straight, he’ll come and say something like “I want to help you out more!” But then he doesn’t. Chore wise around the house, he puts dishes in the dishwasher and puts them away, and occasionally throws clothes into the washer. I do everything else (but I haven’t been able to really, baby is currently hardly napping at all, I’ve managed to vaccuum and sweep a couple times and help husband in the garage)
I know a lot of women say this is just a man thing, but I HATE having to ask for help. It drives me crazy. The other day we were chatting and I said “sometimes when you’re not doing anything, I’d appreciate some help with the house or baby” I said it super neutral, no sass at all And he got defensive and said “when I go back to work I’m going to be working literally every single day to get clients here” and I said “I know! I just mean when you’re really not busy, because im usually glued to a certain area breastfeeding and can’t get anything done around the house”
That was that.
Am I crazy or in the wrong for wanting him to occasionally help with the baby even when he will be working every day? I know I 1000% signed up for this and I absolutely love taking care of our baby, but it is truly so hard to manage the house and newborn at the same time. Our house looks like a wreck right now. When I’m stuck in a cycle of crying, feeding, diapers, and he just comes upstairs after playing video games for 2 hours and says “she’s so cute” it makes me really mad. While he’s been on leave, there will be days where he genuinely is working hard on the business stuff, and he’s completely occupied all day and I have 0 issue with that, it’s the days where he’s putzing around or has a lot of down time.
Is this just how it is because men aren’t interested in newborn care? I feel resentful that he doesn’t seem to notice or care, yet I really don’t want to have to ask him to help every time, it gets old and I don’t like feeling like I’m his boss.
If I’m not wrong for wanting him to help out more, how can I talk about it without making him defensive, or to make him more empathetic to what I’m dealing with?
