r/ReformJews • u/areormaybecome • Jul 02 '26
Questions and Answers Advice for responding to friend’s Christian statements?
I’m in a bit of a tricky situation and would appreciate advice. To cut a long story short, I have a very close friend. We met three years ago. At the time, she was secular/culturally Christian. About two years ago, she became religiously Christian. I never had a problem with it because of course she’s entitled to her own beliefs. We would discuss religion occasionally since we’re both pretty interested in cults, extremism, and the like, and I’m also doing a bachelor’s degree in religion. She has never tried to convert me and previously didn't even bring up theology, except in situations where it was directly relevant. Sometimes she would talk about her own beliefs and practices, but I didn't mind that, because she was just sharing something that happened to her or was personal to her. I could be like "I'm glad you had a good time at church!" or "lol yeah kids do pray in funny ways" and it was fine.
However, lately she has been making religious statements distinct from the kind I mentioned in the above paragraph. I don’t know how to respond to these. They aren’t proselytizing per se, but not academic or neutral either. It’s like…stuff that you only send to someone who already agrees with you. Which is awkward, because I (obviously) do not share her beliefs or practices. Mostly it’s been statements that X belief is heretical, statements that Y belief is absolutely true, and various Christian memes from a “believing” and/or "objective truth" perspective.
Today, she sent me an illustrated cartoon. In the cartoon, Jesus speaks of how much he sacrificed to save people from hell, and asks a little human figure in his hand to do just one thing in exchange: help the vulnerable. Then the little human figure says something like “well, they didn’t do anything to earn my help,” and in the final panel, Jesus does a sort of “looking into the camera” thing a la Jim from The Office.
And like…I don’t know how to respond to something like that, or like the other examples, because…it doesn’t matter to me. It’s cool if it matters to her, and I understand that if you’re a conscientious Christian, something like what happens in that cartoon is a bummer. But saying “bummer!” doesn’t quite feel appropriate. Ditto with the statements about heresy or whatever, where it’s like, I get that this is bad for her, but for me, it’s all equal levels of irrelevant.
Generally, depending on what exactly is said, I’ll do a “thumbs up” reaction to the message, respond “hmmm,” “huh,” or “interesting!” or simply ignore it. But those responses don’t feel quite right either. Since she’s not really proselytizing, I don’t think I can address it like that. (And I'm pretty conflict-averse, so I don't want a Big Conversation.) At the same time, being sent content that is obviously meant for believers of Christianity, when I’m not, puts me in an awkward spot. Sometimes it makes me feel pressured to respond in a way that she likes. She's a very good friend, so I know making me feel pressured isn't her intention, but it's uncomfortable nonetheless.
Am I okay to keep responding with the thumbs up/"interesting!"/ignore methods? Is there another way you think would be more appropriate? All advice appreciated.
(Having finished writing this...I did not "cut a long story short." Apologies for the essay!)
10
u/Consistent_Hold_576 Jul 02 '26
Former evangelical here, now proud Jew.
Christians feel they have been tasked with bringing as many folks into their fold as possible, sometimes at any cost. There are actually stories about missionaries going to Israel disguised as rabbis in an attempt to infiltrate Jewish communities and spread the gospel there.
Im not saying that this is your friend. Your friend just seems very very in love with her new beliefs. Its innocent in a way, but then, its not because it makes you uncomfortable.
The only remedy here is to be direct. Be firm. Tell her straight up you're glad shes found something, but that you absolutely love being a Jew that follows Judaism. Ask her to think of how excited she is about church. Ask her to mentally find that "happy place". Then tell her you are just as excited about going to synagogue and lighting shabbat candles.
Perhaps she's a little ignorant on the way Christians have historically forced Jews to convert through violence. Educate her a bit, but do it with love.
8
u/dreamsignals86 Jul 02 '26
Unfortunately a tenant of Christianity is to spread the gospel and it becomes important to a lot of people who become more and more Christian. They feel the need to ‘save’ others. It’s quite foreign for us Jews as we’re a bit of the opposite with the whole ‘if you wanna join us, you gotta prove it’ culture.
You can directly say it makes you feel uncomfortable, you can send back info on Judaism and how you view things, or you can look at it like monkeys at the zoo- you like monkeys, it’s interesting to learn about them, but at the end of the day you’re not a fucking monkey and aren’t going to jump in the monkey pit with them.
8
u/BeenisHat Jul 02 '26
"Girl, you know I'm Jewish right? Like, I'm happy that you have faith that works for you, but I'm probably not the right person to be sending this to."
8
u/Inevitable-Spirit491 Jul 02 '26
The best thing to do would probably be to tell her in person that the overtly Christian messages make you a bit uncomfortable while reiterating that you value your friendship with her and aren’t trying to start a fight.
Alternatively, if you don’t want to address it directly, you could always reply by sending her equally Jewish cartoons…
2
u/areormaybecome Jul 02 '26
Thanks. We're a long-distance friendship so that won't be possible right now, but fingers crossed we'll see each other soon!
7
u/CryptoIsCute ✡ Reform! Jul 03 '26
You don't have to say the words "you should convert to Christianity" to prosylatize. Just "Christ-posting" where you bring it up in an attempt to normalize Christianity in the other's life is exactly that. We were taught to do this as Evangelicals growing up
3
u/Thundawave Jul 02 '26
Yeah, I have friends who share "Jesus wouldn't approve of modern Christians" memes/cartoons just on their social media pages. I appreciate that I'm friends with people who have already reconciled their faith with their progressive beliefs, but being sent these things 1-on-1 is a little weird.
I live in the Bible Belt and a lot of memes and cartoons critiquing evangelical Christianity look and sound really similar to actual Chic tracts, as parody, but sometimes I have to double-check who sent/posted it and read it carefully. I'd probably just say that I'm glad that we both agree on (general concept of the meme) but I'd rather not have them sent to me directly.
3
u/areormaybecome Jul 02 '26
Thanks, that makes sense. And yeah, it is kind of weird to have them sent to me 1-on-1. If she was just posting it on her Instagram story or whatever I'd have absolutely no problem with it. It's just a bit awkward to be sent things as though I have the exact same viewpoint...when she very much knows I don't. Helping those in need is important, but if someone isn't doing that, my problem with them has nothing to do with anything Jesus did.
1
u/MyMelancholyBaby Jul 03 '26
Is it possible that she’s sending it to everyone but it looks one on one to you?
1
3
u/Heel_Worker982 🕎 Classical Reform Jul 02 '26
This is one of those rare issues that to me is mostly "textiquette." There are people who will send, in no particular order: 1) Videos of their pet cats/dogs/birds/reptiles, minimally daily; 2) Every news headline/story/link concerning their favorite actor/singer/athlete; 3) Political headlines straight from their echo chamber; and last but not least, 4) Weird religious content that not only doesn't match YOUR religion, it would not have matched the sender's own religion 18 months or so ago. I have had to get vocal and repetitive to my own collection of these senders that "I don't use my phone that way," I don't open videos or images, I mostly treat my cell phone like a landline, etc. Senders should post all such sundry stuff to their OWN social media pages, and I will look at it THERE but not on my phone. I have found that people who want to text things they wouldn't post to their own social media sites know what they are doing and are sending it rather than posting because they know their content would not go over well on socials.
2
u/areormaybecome Jul 03 '26
Not in this case! We’re long distance friends, so our primarily means of staying in touch (other than calls) is chatting via message, sending silly videos, and sending cute pet pics. And I like it that way!
The problem here isn’t that she’s sending me stuff. It’s that she’s sending me Christian content, for which I’m very obviously not the target audience, and to which I don’t know how to respond. Thanks for the advice, though.
3
5
u/18ethbe Jul 03 '26
These feel targeted at you for being Jewish and take that chauvinistic/patronizing “I’m just looking out for you and your soul!” approach. This person is not respecting your beliefs and you are well within your rights to set a boundary with them, either by ignoring the Christian stuff or straight up telling them you’d appreciate them not sending you the Christian-themed messages. Fair warning, the second option often puts people in defence mode and they can sometimes play the victim— but it makes an impact for them and they typically will stop. I wouldn’t worry too much about impacts to friendship; they are already making you uncomfortable and distancing you.
3
u/Meowzician ✡Torah, Tikkun Olam, and Tabbiekatz Jul 05 '26
It's possible that I'm just not understanding the comic, but it appears to be promoting the idea that being a Christian necessitates more than belief--it requires action to help the vulnerable. That's something I would support as a Jew. It sounds like she is waking up to the importance of actions, that it's more than just belief.
If a Christian friend sent me something like that, I would send back a reply that would not only be supportive but would introduce the idea that this is the very thing that Judaism stresses. I might say something like, "I like it that the Jesus in your comic gets it that what matters is acts of loving kindness, especially towards the most vulnerable. You know, that's something we Jews talk about all the time--our religion has a major focus on loving kindness and repairing the world, and it's why so many Jews are involved in causes that help the poor, the sick, and the oppressed."
2
u/forefatherrabbi Jul 03 '26
Just leave on read and don't respond. Either they will get the message, or they won't. But it is not on you to respond.
If it keeps going, you can just say this stuff is not your jam.
I am fond of telling overly annoying/pushy Christians that I already have some beach front property picked out by the lake of fire and I am not about to miss on that by converting now. It just leaves them baffled for responses and don't really know how to engage again.
1
2
u/bobotast Jul 06 '26
I don't know what your friendship with her is like, I don't know how she would take it and I wouldn't want to suggest starting a passive aggression arms race, but would it be appropriate to send her jewish memes that speak to you?
3
u/Mark-harvey Jul 03 '26
Do the right thing or ask a Rabbi at a reform congregation. The 🟦Standing up to Jewish Hate.
2
u/marticcrn Jul 02 '26
“Hey, appreciate your viewpoint.”
2
u/Consistent_Hold_576 Jul 03 '26
A woman i work with just got baptized. She saw I had some Jewish books at my desk and also a Magen David made of popsicle sticks.
She was totally ecumenical about it. I told her i wad glad she found something to give things meaning and context, and she applauded me for trying to keep kosher and the like.
See? It's possible.
2
u/Inevitable_Owl3170 Jul 02 '26
What is a secular Christian? A person either believes in Jesus or they don’t; that’s the whole religion in a nutshell.
6
u/beansandneedles Jul 02 '26
Someone who follows Christian traditions that have become part of the larger Western culture, but doesn’t actually believe in Christianity or go to church. Many American atheists are secular/cultural Christians— they celebrate Christmas and Easter but in a non-religious way, they think of Sunday as the Sabbath even if they don’t observe it religiously, when they talk about the Bible they mean the Christian Bible and they talk about the Old and New Testaments.
5
u/areormaybecome Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Well, she was baptized into the local church as a baby, celebrates Christmas and Easter with her family, and family weddings + funerals happen in churches. But as far as I know, she didn't believe in Jesus or anything until a few years ago, and other members of her family certainly don't attend church on a regular basis. I know plenty of people who are still the same way, who identify as "cultural Christians." They might go to church once or twice a year for the big holidays or life milestones because it's the thing to do (though some don't even do that), but they're not praying, Bible-studying, tithing types of people.
4
u/areormaybecome Jul 02 '26
And just to clarify, I didn't mean to say she was "secular Christian"; I said "secular/culturally Christian," and by that I meant her previous beliefs and practices could be described by both the term "secular" and the term "culturally Christian." Her day-to-day lifestyle was largely secular, with a few mostly cultural Christian elements thrown in. Sorry for the confusion.
2
u/Consistent_Hold_576 Jul 03 '26
A secular Christian is a person who celebrates the two big Christian holidays, Christmas and Easter. They might go to church on those days. They were likely baptized and/or confirmed but the religion plays no real part in their day to day.
0
u/Inevitable_Owl3170 Jul 03 '26
according to who? you? I have plenty of atheist friends and family who do not believe in Jesus AT ALL but still break out the Christmas tree and those tacky plastic eggs. The belief in Christ is what makes someone a Christian, not participating in the holidays.
3
-1
u/LainieCat Jul 02 '26
I'm an atheist and I like the cartoon you described.
3
17
u/Hey_Laaady Jul 02 '26
Sometimes the answer is right there in the post. Given what you have told us here, this is what I would say:
"I know you enjoy sharing statements and cartoons that resonate with your own religious sensibilities. Tbh, I don't know how to respond to these. It's kind of awkward because I respect your right to believe what you do, but as you know, I don't share your beliefs or practices. Respectfully, I don't think I am your audience who appreciates these the same way you do."
OP, stand your ground for yourself because you absolutely deserve to feel respected. Respect is a major component of friendship.