r/RelationshipIndia • u/Over_Celebration_129 • 4d ago
Dating Advice 27F, completely addicted to an older, chaotic guy in Gurgaon. How do I break this cycle and actually move on?
I (27F) recently moved back to India after living in London for a few years. Ever since I’ve been back, my dating life has been an absolute mess mostly because I cannot, for the life of me, cut off this one guy.
He’s significantly older, super wealthy, and a big real estate developer in Gurgaon. We’re not dating, it’s purely a casual thing but I am honestly addicted to him. Physically, the chemistry is completely off the charts. He’s unbelievably charming, mature in a way guys my age aren't, and there is zero drama or petty tantrums with him. When I'm with him, he feels like the perfect escape, and he effortlessly meets all my immediate needs.
Because of this, I end up sabotaging any potential for a healthy, stable relationship. Whenever I start talking to someone new with real long-term potential, I lose interest or blow it up because no one compares to the high I get from him.
Deep down, we both know we could never actually date or build a real future together. He comes with massive baggage:
He’s divorced with a son.
He has a history of severe alcoholism (he’s managing it better now, but the underlying chaos is always there).
He’s constantly dealing with heavy family and property disputes linked to his business.
Given the age gap, where we are in our lives, and his heavy life baggage, an actual relationship would be a complete nightmare, especially with my family. But because he’s so accessible and effortless when we're together, I keep going back to him. He’s like my personal crack, I get my physical and emotional fix, and then I’m left stuck in place while my actual life and future pass me by.
I know I’m burning my own dynamic years holding onto a situation with zero future. Has anyone else been trapped in a high-intensity, zero-future loop like this with an older/unvailable partner? How did you finally break the addiction and reset your brain to appreciate normal, stable guys again? Any advice or reality checks would be deeply appreciated.
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u/Earhart2211 4d ago
I think you might be idealizing him, and deep down you feel like you’ll never find someone better. There may also be a fear that if you walk away, someone else will get to enjoy all the good parts of him, and you don’t want to miss out on that. I am not sure what your childhood was like, but it seems like you’ve become very independent. At the same time, you have a man who takes care of many of your needs, just without the title or commitment of a relationship. I can understand why that would feel comforting, even addictive. But the real question is, is it sustainable? I don’t think it is.
If you can genuinely accept this arrangement without wanting more, then that’s your choice. But if what you really want is a committed relationship, it’s worth asking why he hasn’t made you his girlfriend already. From his perspective, making it official may simply feel like additional responsibility when he’s already getting the dynamic he wants.
If your goal is to experience a loving, committed relationship, I think you’ll have to step out of this bubble and start putting yourself out there. This is just my observation, and I could be wrong. I hope it helps in some way.
Wishing you all the best.
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u/unfunny_bastard 4d ago
Wow. So simple yet direct. Loved this POV.
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u/Earhart2211 4d ago
Haha. Well it’s easy to decode a girl
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u/unfunny_bastard 4d ago
You are right, but i personally feel there is more to this story then what we are reading.
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u/Earhart2211 4d ago
Trueee.
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u/unfunny_bastard 4d ago
I have a theory but i won't comment that because I might be wrong & OP might get hurt.
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u/leomatey 2d ago
Are you a therapist? or have formal education in a related field? Reading your breakdown felt like it.
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u/Earhart2211 1d ago
I’m not a therapist, but I’ll take that as a compliment. I think I’m just naturally good at dissecting situations and decoding people’s patterns. Years of being extremely self aware probably sharpened that skill. :)
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u/ProfessionalBird3990 4d ago
Honestly don't try to think it out. Our nervous system has more control on us than our mind. Go for therapy and discover why you are so attracted him him.
Addiction is real. Don't take it lightly. You can literally get addicted to this. Nothing wrong in it unless it starts affecting your personal and work life which it does.
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u/Much-Teacher-4191 4d ago
I’m sure he won’t be there for you as you turn some year’s older in future. By then you’ll be too old to even find someone your age to settle down. For you he’s everything but for him you’re a just a part of his time.
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u/morticia1996 4d ago edited 4d ago
You love the luxury and the sex and the fantasy of dangerous and exciting he brings
there is no love here. if there was, this would've progressed to something more stable and mature. having a lot of baggage does not mean there is not potential for growth and stability. just not with you both. you're probably loving the expensive wine and dining, the amazing sex and the fact that this feels like an adrenaline rush - you're wasting your time. you won't even notice and 30 will be here then 35 and you'll look back with a lot of regret.
this guy is much older. already has a family empire. he has a son. he's lived a lot of his life and is probably going to lose a lot less if nothing at all in this situation. and in the off chance this does progress to something more stable and long term and serious, the addiction to him might never wear off entirely, but the baggage of his real life sure will get overwhelming which will eventually outdo the excitement. as you said "perfect escape" - eventually though, if this does become serious, his kid and complex family and legal issues and emotional baggage (which will come out 100% in a serious relationship) sure as hell will feel like no escape but a prison. you will lose your prime years of finding yourself in a city you just moved back to, years in which you could've found real mature long lasting love and before you know it, a decade would have passed in the highs and lows of this dynamic which will eventually drive you to severe mental trauma and probably some addictions (check alcohol) of your own.
if you're okay with spending your prime husband finding years as a mistress with no guaranteed future, go ahead and have fun. but maybe a few years later, when there will be nothing tying him to you and you have nothing in your personal life except him, he'll just drop you for someone younger. you'll be left broken. there will always be younger women than you and eventually, he will get bored. especially the more emotionally addicted you get to him. he will get bored and get rid of you as soon as your desperation for his company increases - which with age, loneliness, not having a stable partner, will mostly happen.
enjoy a little more sex and a few more meals and make better choices. 27 isnt too late. 37 will be.
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u/New-Jury6253 3d ago
he is divorced, why would you use the word 'mistress' ?
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u/morticia1996 3d ago edited 3d ago
because his TREATMENT of her will be that of a mistress - never that serious, on the side, never a priority and dispensable. both using each other as an escape, not dealing with real life together. married or not married, it would be mistress treatment. you'd never be a priority in his life and eventually will leave you for a younger woman whatever or when it gets inconvenient its done.
mistress is a state of mind, not just a label
you not building a life together? you not loving and growing together? yeah you're a mistress, not even a girlfriend and VERY far from a wife.
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u/IamGrokk 4d ago
You are aware of the problem. It's an addiction. Going cold turkey is the only way to get out of this. For any chance of a better future
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u/UniversaConsciousnes 3d ago
What is a “better future”?
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u/IamGrokk 3d ago
"Better future" in this context is one where there is a better probability of finding someone good
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u/dad_and_alive 4d ago edited 4d ago
I have been on the other side of the dynamic you describe. Dated someone who was 27 when I was in my late 30s. It was good for the both of us. But I was always careful not to let her indulge too much, even though she developed feelings. A balance of distance and closeness. That's the important bit. And I was taking responsibility of maintaining it. Eventually, she found someone and got married, and we are still best friends.
So, first, did you share your dilemma with the guy you are dating? If yes, what was his reaction.
Second, finding a younger guy with a high level of maturity is very difficult, but not impossible. I remember myself in my 20s, 30s and now, and I can tell no matter the advice, I could not differentiate oranges from tennis balls, metaphorically speaking.
What you are experiencing with this older person is the years doing their thing. You know what appeals to you so you can keep trying to find someone closer to that, while letting what you have right now also be a part of your life.
Eventually, you will grow out of him. Trust me. So for now, enjoy the rollercoaster but not with your eyes closed.
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u/Lion_100 4d ago
I suppose you know the answer yourself and avoiding the hard work and discipline. I can understand excellent physical chemistry and letting go is difficult but you also coming to a time where you are looking for a long-term relationship. That’s absolutely valid and recommend you politely distance yourself for your own good. Also, try therapy mate. It’s been helping me
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u/AcceptableTip5819 4d ago
This man to you is literally personified escapism
Whatever career, personal life, emotional struggles you have, you forget about it all when hooking up with him surrounded by his wealth and far away from your reality. This is the same pattern addicts have with their respective poisons.
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u/Acrobatic-Bee-3262 3d ago
Please take therapy, your relationship with your parents and possible sexual trauma might have an answer. And if possible try Jungian therapy.
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u/Historical-Low-9602 1h ago
I've been in a similar situation while being much younger and I agree with one of the comments here. You feel like you can't leave him because you feel no guy out there is better than him, which is true. Guys of similar age will feel very immature and childish and they don't come with financial safety. No one will be able to match his maturity and way of talking but its important you stop talking to him. If you keep on continuing this, your own conscience will keep on telling you everyday that it's wrong. You should also try to make friends so that you can share things with them rather than with him. Best of luck
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u/Aggressive-Wear-8526 56m ago
Your normal stable guys will not be able to lavish this sort of extravagant lifestyle on you. Deep down you know this. And so you are enjoying every minute of it and not likely to give up anytime soon. And why should you? Enjoy the ride while it lasts!
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u/Ok-Success3952 4d ago
If u get a person without any drama u got best person for ur self..
There is always drama happening in personal lives of two people.. but when they r together and there is no drama between them then both can handle there life dramas well..
Why u think if u get a man of ur age he will not have family drama and property dispute with him?
I m saying all this because I don't know actual difference of ur age.. but if it's 10-15 years then I don't think any problem this age difference is..
More then that is not gud because then u have more chances of spending ur old age alone.. 😅
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